He’s Out There

Now that you’re a regular reader of mine and I’ve got you pulled into my world of talking about random crap like boobies, beer, Megan Fox, my wife’s boudoir photographs and any other number of inappropriate things… I want to talk about something of substance for a moment: God.

My relationship with Him has been a rather incredible journey that I feel will only continue to hit its low moments and its high moments until I gasp my final Earthly breath (hopefully) many years from now.

It’s a funny thing having a relationship with an entity you cannot see, hear or touch.  In fact, as I wrote that sentence it seemed a little ridiculous.  What you may not know though is if you are an atheist, agnostic or struggling Christian… God may be a lot closer than you may think… you’re just so used to looking at things through your desensitized eyes

We’re bombarded constantly with TV shows, celebrities, books, magazines, etc. pushing the idea that pure chance created our world, our bodies, our environment, our brains and our ability to differentiate between right and wrong and on and on.  Science, with all its positive uses, has slowly and methodically given people a reason to doubt His existence.  Sadly, I am a piece of what the world has become.  I am in the middle of the sea of Earth’s population looking heavenward for a sign that God truly exists so I may rejoice in the fact that they were all wrong… and I was oh so right.  Unfortunately, I don’t think the face of God will appear in the sky or flames will consume Mount Everest.  Since this does not happen… all non believers will roll their eyes at me, shake their heads and continue living their life with the notion that when they die… they just die, or some other ill-conceived notion conceived from our tiny, pea sized intelligence.

But why do we need a sign of such insignificance?  Why does God need to do something as simple as write in the sky when he’s created the human reproductive system that gives you children from nothing!  Did pure chance create this:

Daddy’s Little Girl: created by complete circumstance?  I think not.

A non believer would tell you “yes”…that in 8 billion years anything is possible.  But I have to disagree… a human reproductive system created from nothing is entirely impossible without some massive intelligence running the show.

Science can show us how we maybe could have been created by chance with the help of controlled environments, experiments, lab results, microscopic studies of the human DNA, etc. but… aren’t we just the “less superior” intelligence looking at all the pieces to the Master Craftsman’s ultimate creation?  If we can create something in a controlled environment aren’t we just the far less intelligent creator of our own little “world”?  How ridiculous is it to think that if we can create something in a controlled environment… that it suddenly implies that it would happen entirely by chance in the real world?  If a bag of trash shows up in my back yard… I’m going to assume that some asshole dumped it there… not that it materialized all by itself!  And that’s just a bag of trash… not a human reproductive system (at least I hope one’s not in there).

Point being… we are completely incapable of seeing the “big picture”.  We are so focused on ourselves and the things that God doesn’t do we can’t see Him right in front of us!

Some common utterances:

“Chris, what about 9/11?  Where was God then?”

“Why is there disease?  If God really cared there’d be no disease.”

“What about all the innocent children kidnapped and murdered by unstable freaks?  Seeing that stuff makes me doubt there is a God.”

All of these are good questions and questions that should be explored before embarking on a relationship with Him. 

These are all horrible things.  And from the depths of my piece-of-corn sized brain I cannot 100% answer your question as to “why”.  But what I do know is that we live in a fallen world.  We made the decision long ago for God to take a back seat and He has obliged us in our choice.  Thus, we know how much He loves us.  Despite his longing for us to come home He allows us to see for ourselves what life without Him is like.

And let me tell you people… have you seen the world lately?  We’re not doing so well on our own.  Through the centuries we’ve continued to fall more and more away until God has turned into an undistinguishable blur on the forefront of our brain that continues to whisper to us time and time again only for us to push it aside for the next immediate satisfaction.

I’m convinced the supernatural God is right in front of us.  But that’s exactly what he is: supernatural.  Since we’re vastly far from being supernatural ourselves, the idea that there’s actually something there is completely preposterous to most.  It may be a good thing we can’t actually see God come to think of it because I’m sure the creator of the universe looks vastly different from anything we could conceive in our minds eyes.  Pooping your pants would be the least of your worries.

In closing, I’m the furthest thing from perfect… drastically far from it in fact I’m sorry to say.  Some might even say that I’m a sinner… to which I would say “yes, I am”.  But I know where I came from.  I know where my wife came from.  I know where my daughter came from.  I know that when I do something wrong… I feel guilt and I repent.  Because of this, I know that one day… it’ll be my time to go and I probably won’t be ready… my OCD won’t let me.  But in my heart of hearts, I know there’s an incredible place beyond the realm of human understanding that not even though most brilliant minds that have walked this Earth would be able to conceive.  There will be no OCD, there will be no struggle for power, there will be no pain and there will be no more questions.  I really don’t know what there will be… but just knowing what isn’t there… is enough reason for me not to explore the question any further.

God bless you… whether you want to believe it or not.

 

What Are We Going To Do!!!

I just realized something.  It’s going to be 2010 in several weeks.  For the past 10 years, we’ve been wearing glasses for New Years parties that look something like this:

Or this…

Now that one of the eye holes is going to have a “1” in it instead of a “0”… what kind of fun glasses are we going to be able to wear?  I can’t see your eyes being in both the zeroes while the “1” is planted right between your eyes!  Something like this:

That would look weird and you’d get all off-balance with most of the weight of the glasses shifted to the right side of your face.  I believe this massive difference of weight on partiers faces, coupled with whatever mixture of Southern Comfort, Ecstasy, Keystone Light and buffalo wings they have in their system may cause a mass riot in Times Square during the New Years celebration.  I’m staying home! 

What about the companies that made these “2007”, “2008” and “2009” glasses?  Are they going to go out of business?  I would assume that those glasses probably sold out and accounted for a huge profit.

Forget all the hype around 2012… we need to be preparing ourselves for the mass hysteria that will be known as “The Massive Weight Shift Caused By The ‘2′ On One Side Of The Celebratory Glasses That Read ‘2010′ And The Absence Of Equal Weight On The Other Side Of The Glasses Worn During The New Years Celebration Causing Mass Chaos In The Streets Of New York City”… or “The Worlds Dumbest Riot” for short.

 

Five Questions

1.  What’s the number one thing you hope Santa brings you this year?

Since I already got everything I wanted for my birthday… I wouldn’t mind seeing this movie again for Christmas!  Also… this:

2.  What’s more disturbing?

Fat guy in a Mini Cooper

OR….

 Just Tara Reid in general?

3.  What question would you like to ask me?  Anything goes!  You could ask me about my favorite soft drink or you could ask me about my favorite fast food place or you could ask me about the growth I once had in my bellybutton that looked like a swollen tick!

4.  If you were abducted by aliens and they gave you a choice of one memory you did not want erased… what would you say?

A truly inopportune time to be abducted for sure…

5.  Fill in the blanks: “Once upon a time there was a girl named ____________.  She had huge ___________ and a _________ like _________.  One day when she was _________, she met a boy named ________.   She was very _______.  Then they __________ and lived happily every after.  THE END. (get your head out of the gutter)

A shot of Bunny and I taken in the year 2078.  I’m still horny for her.

 

Five Dudes I Wouldn’t Mind Bein’

The title of this post could have been a number of different things: “My Five Dudes”, “I Got Me Some Man Crushes!”, “If I Were A Woman…I’d Own A Calendar Of At Least One Of These Guys”, “I’ll Pay These Guys To Be My Friend” or “I’d Like To Skin These Dudes, Wear Their Skin And Pretend To Be Them”… but I thought all those titles were a little too gay and/or obsessive and/or psychotic sounding.

Admit it guys… without sounding like your porch swing goes the “other way”, there are some guys in the limelight you might consider a “man’s man”.  A person you have to admit… looks pretty sharp for a fellow baboon like yourself or leads the life and took the opportunities you didn’t to get where they are today.  Or maybe they’re just cool and would make you giddy like a school girl if you ever saw them in person.

Now, just to clarify again… I love boobies and will never be interested in something that I already have ().

This is my totally non-gay list:

1.  Ryan Reynolds

One of the few pictures of Ryan Reynold I found on the internet with his shirt on…

This dude’s got it all: humor, acting chops, a freakin’ six back built from the four corners of Hell AND he’s married to Scarlett Johanssen!  You really can’t get much better than that!  Who wouldn’t want to be him!

They’ll make some hot babies…

 

2.  Josh Hamilton

Watching one of his record setting 28 first round home runs during the 2008 All Star Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium

Josh Hamilton was the Cinderella story of the baseball season two years ago because he happened to come back from an addiction to alcohol and crack (FYI… you don’t come back from crack) and was in the front running for American League MVP.

He’s an incredibly spiritual person who credits his comeback to a deep belief in Jesus Christ, but is born with the human tendency to fall back into his old ways as he so disappointingly proved last off season.

I wouldn’t want to be Josh to go through all that he went through with addiction… but he’s probably one of the most naturally blessed baseball players out there whose talent was seriously diminished from his years of alcohol and drug abuse.  I would only dream of having that kind of talent.

Also… he’s got a lot of tattoos (although he regrets all of them).

Also… his wife is pretty good looking.  And she put up with all his crap for so many years so you know she’s a good woman. 

3.  Sean Connery

He’d shoot you in the face right now if he was here…

I doubt Sean has ever been “uncool” or made a bad movie… okay, Highlander 2 was pretty lame.

He’s got that wicked cool voice where he manages to insert “sh” in almost every word, i.e. “Relaxsh darling… I on topsh of the schituation” (from “Diamonds Are Forever”).

He also apparently drinks from the same water that Richard Gere and Dick Clark drink from because he is quite literally immortal.  Hell… he was 900 years old when he made “The Rock” with Nicholas Cage and I don’t think he was acting!  I think he was actually killing those guys by crushing them with air conditioning units and throwing them out of runaway carts in the mineshafts under Alcatraz. 

Then he was about 1200 years old when he shot that documentary called “Entrapment” with Catherine Zeta Jones and romanced her all throughout the movie.  The guy is a lady killer and he’s older than most fossils from the Cretaceous period.

The documentary “Entrapment”.

I hope when I’m one million years old I’m half as suave as Mr. Connery.

4.  Spiderman

He’s gonna getcha!

Okay… so Spiderman is not a real person but let’s pretend he is.

Spiderman (personally) has the coolest, most unique powers of any character in the superhero universe.  Despite these powers he seems to be unable to get his personal life in order.  His great powers can’t seem to help him in his personal life… kinda like me.

Bunny and I actually met Spiderman a while back and he was actually very down to Earth.  As a fan… he didn’t make me feel small or insignificant.  Rather, he encouraged me to follow my dream of cultivating my superpowers and one day we may perhaps fight side by side when mutant Junebugs try to devour the city.

Upon meeting Mr. Spiderman I told him I’d waited my whole life to meet him, he patted me on the head and said, “That’s nice young man… now let’s take the picture because I’m late for my colonic.”

His effort to retain me as a fan really struck a cord with me and I would gladly fight side by side with him whether I had super powers or not.

Also… if I were Spiderman… I’d be more aggressive in going after Black Cat and forget about Mary Jane.

Bad kitty… down kitty… DOWN!

*Side Note* – Buy Black Cat outfit for Bunny.

5.  Justin Timberlake

If it’s any consolation to myself… I think I’m better looking…

The title of this post is “Five Guys I Wouldn’t Mind Bein’” and quite frankly… I wouldn’t mind being Justin Timberlake at this point in his career.

There was a time when he was with N-Sync where I wished someone would make him swallow the Ebola Virus but since he’s left the boy band era behind he’s done nothing but make movies, make #1 records, collaborate with other artists, appear on several episodes of Saturday Night Live (quite well I might add) host the Victoria’s Secret fashion show and date Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johanssen, Janet Jackson, Cameron Diaz, my wife, your wife, your mom, my mom and the Tooth Fairy.

If I can’t be Justin Timberlake… perhaps I might be able to wear his skin… if only for a little while.

I will say… despite what all these guys do have… they don’t have this:

I can’t stop looking at these pictures!  Best. Birthday. Present. Ever!!

And… just for giggles…

Five Guys I Want To Kick In The Nuts

1.  Jon Gosselin

For what he did to his kids and single handedly bringing down the Ed Hardy empire.  Although… that’s not really a bad thing.

2.  David Beckham

For being way too overrated… and I think he’s the anti-christ.

3.  Brett Michaels

For being everything wrong with America right now.

4.  Ray J

See # 3.

5. Brody Jenner (Bromance Show Guy, The Hills Guy, Bruce Jenner’s Son, Professional Jackass)

No editing needed on this picture…

For just being a douchbag

 

My Tattoos: What They Mean And The Stories Behind Them: Part 3

Part 1 HERE

Part 2 HERE

Number 9:  I always liked the idea of having a pin-up tattoo, but wanted to incorporate my wife into it somehow.  So I simply found a pin-up photo I liked and substituted Bunny’s face. Unfortunately, when dealing with facial features, it’s hard to represent what you’re trying to convey on a tattoo of the size I chose.  Now, if I had gotten a pin-up tattoo covering my entire back, some of the smaller idiosyncrasies of Bunny’s face would make it clearer who I was trying to represent… but the artist who I chose to accept the challenge of permanently inking my wife’s face on the body of a pin-up did an acceptable job. 

After dealing with the dragon lady, her mammoth husband and their fantastic double-wide trailer in getting my last name tattooed on the back of my arm… I decided to go elsewhere to get this more intricate tattoo.  I came across this artist in the Paseo district of Oklahoma City who came with a fairly impressive resume known as “Rodney”.

He is probably the most slow-moving-yet-genuinely-interested-in-the-details artist I’ve ever gone to.  It took him forever to complete the tattoo and the end result I felt was somewhat depleted by the aspect he was TOO careful in making it look real.  The skin colored ink was exactly that: the color of my skin.  So… with a tattoo of a girl in lingerie it looked like some red stockings, a teddy and some eyeballs.  It wasn’t until my follow-up appointment that I convinced him to outline the body parts that were almost the same color as my skin.

If I had it to do over again, I would probably go with something a little more cartoonish that way the lines in her face would be a little more defined and so much detail wouldn’t have been spent making it look “real” as opposed to looking sharp and having it “jump” off my arm.

Tattoo before the outline was done around the flesh tone…

… and the tattoo after the outlining…

Total cost: $350

Number 10:  I went back to the same artist for this one despite my concerns with the way the pin-up had turned out and I was glad I did.

Some artists deal better with certain bits of art over others and when it came to this tattoo, Rodney did not disappoint.  The lines are harder, the colors are brighter, there’s not as much shadowing and the tattoo does indeed “jump” of my arm.

I always had a fascination with “Mom” tattoos.  People have been giving props to their mom’s for years with tattoos and I thought my mother should be so honored.  I decided to stray away from the typical heart that says “mom” on it with an arrow through the heart.  But rather, have “mom” on a heart with wings on the heart… because my mom is indeed… an angel.  Probably a saint in fact.

I added “dad” on a hammer because my father has worked by the sweat of his brow for everything in his life, built our childhood home and dedicated 35 years of his life to an oil company from which he is now retired.  Aside from the work aspect… he is also a tireless man, hell-bent on having things his way and tries to control everything he’s involved with.  I thought a hammer best represented him.

When Rodney was done with this especially tender area to get a tattoo, I was extremely pleased… elated in fact.  It’s positioned on my arm perfectly and is completely symmetrical. 

My mother didn’t know what to think.

Total cost: $250

Tattoos 11-16:  Since I probably won’t be able to get an arm sleeve anytime soon due to the restraints most work environments put on you to keep tattoos covered… I decided I would begin the long and arduous process of getting a leg sleeve.

I’m a big fan of the Marvel superhero movies (Spiderman, X-Men, Fantastic Four, etc.) and started to become interested in the artwork of these characters.  Despite not having a history behind any other these superheroes, I decided that having the coolest characters represented in my leg sleeve would make one damn cool tattoo.

Unfortunately, Rodney moved so I was left without an artist once again.  Believe it or not, tattooing finally got completely legalized in Oklahoma around this time (Ridiculous? I know.) so I found a guy through a heavily tattooed friend of mine from the gym.  His name was Curtis and he gladly accepted this challenge because a full leg sleeve means big money over a length of time since it takes a while and depends on the recipients’ cash flow.

I went with some of my more favorite characters and some that would translate the best into a tattoo.  I finalized the first six as Spiderman, Human Torch, Gambit, Ms. Marvel, Nightcrawler and Emma Frost.

This sleeve is still a work in progress.  Currently I number these tattoos as numbers “11-16” when in fact it will eventually all be “one” tattoo because once all the characters are complete… a background will blend them all together.  While I have all my current characters completely finished I plan on getting at least two more superheroes (probably Hulk and Wolverine… maybe Iron Man) before beginning the background which will more than likely be a burning city.

Spiderman and Nightcrawler before color…

Spiderman after getting colored…

 

… and Nightcrawler after getting colored.

Gambit before coloring…

Gambit after coloring (hurt like a beeeeooottcch!!).

Ms. Marvel before color…

Ms. Marvel after color…

Emma Frost before color…

… and Emma Frost after color.  Just so you know… this is Bunny’s least favorite tattoo. 

 

But when you look at the stricking similarity between what I was going for and what he put on my knee… you have to admit he did good work.

Finally the Human Torch… I unfortunately don’t have a pre-color picture of him.  He is really probably my favorite just because of how brilliant the colors are.

Total running cost to date: $1500

More recently, when Daddy’s Little Girl was born, I deviated from my superhero tattoos, dipped into the savings and shelled out $260 on her name over my heart.  That would be tattoo number 17.

Now you know Daddy’s Little Girl’s real name… I’ll have to kill you now…

As having the “sickness” to believe that the ultimate form of respect is to get a symbol of someone close to you forever tattooed on yourself… it was the utmost logical thing to do in my mind.  I didn’t give it a second thought.  I even placed it a little closer to my collarbone so I’d have room to place more names under it… when that time comes.

Total running cost of all tattoos: $2900 which is equal to a nice 55” television or a new matching sofa and loveseat or about 1850 cans of AMP Energy Drink… however you wanna look at it.

I don’t spend money on a lot of things… but spending money set aside for myself usually involves getting myself bludgeoned with a tiny needle millions of times until the end result is something permanently placed into my epidermis. 

So… that’s all my tattoos.  They won’t be my last (sorry mom!).  If there’s one thing I can tell you, don’t believe that you’re ever going to get “just one”… because it’s awfully hard to stop.

Happy tattooing folks!

 

Boy Is Born, Boy Gets Bad Haircut, Boy Does Stupid Things, Boy Meets Girl, Boy Makes Girl, Boy Turns 30

So I was trying to get this posted on my ACTUAL birthday… but that didn’t happen.  My birthday was yesterday, December 9th… while today is December 10th and I believe the way it has been since the beginning of time is that your birthday only lasts from 12 o’clock midnight to 11:59 PM on your birthdate.  Alas… I am no longer in that time frame… but let’s just make-believe I am.

Today is my birthday.  It’s not a normal birthday… it’s my 30th birthday.  Being the sentimental and OCD person I am… I reflected on the last 30 years of my life quite a bit the last several days.  Being 30 not only means the disappearance of the number “2″ anywhere near the first digit of my age… but it gives me a feeling of being “grown-up”.  I suddenly feel as though my age reflects the fatherly figure I should be… yet inside I’m still that 14-year-old kid dying to stay up late, watch rated “R” movies or dreaming of when I might be able to… one day… see boobies (and today for my birthday… I finally got to!).

Today was a special day.  It was a special day because I felt inundated with love… something that I pride myself overwhelming on others rather than feeling overwhelmed by it!  Your birthday is in place for people to remind you how much they love you and how grateful they are that you’re here… but there was a special significance behind this birthday.  Perhaps it was because of all I feel like I’ve been through spiritually and emotionally the past year.  Perhaps when you turn 30… you’re entitled to let the floodgates open a little bit.  Perhaps… just perhaps… it is because I realized I do have friends, family and acquaintances that do actually LOVE me!  Something you do tend to forget when roaming about your daily activities.  For example:

When helping a friend at work through a difficult situation, he told me, “I was really a great friend”, after I told him I would keep his situation in my prayers.

My big sister wrote this about me!  As I read it today and with tears welling in my eyes, I felt so undeserving of such words written about me.  I feel like I’ll be coming back to it quite frequently when I’m feeling down!

Bunny finally succeeded in surprising me at my work!

Yes… I know… I look constipated.

And only several days ago, during our trip to Miami, our hosts surprised me with a birthday cake as well!

I’m in trouble because I was actually unable to effectively blow out all 30 candles

 I probably got more phone calls from friends and family wishing me well than any other birthday

 And perhaps the best of all, Bunny gave me the best gift a husband could dream of: boudoir photographs…

What?  You didn’t think I was actually going to show you one did you?  For Papa K’s eyes only my friend...

So… with all that being said… I really want to thank everyone who made this birthday the best 30th birthday any old fart could possibly dream.

And now… memories…

That’s me… in the middle with the “1″ on my shirt (duh).  Holding me is my rebel sister Pam, to my right is my sister Jenni, brother Paul is to my left, and brother Matt in the background

I think I was turning six in this picture.  This picture is 24 years old.  Damn.

Yeah!  Classmates huddled closely around me to see what I’m getting!  Guess what?  Crap!  Also… my thumb looks really long.

Enjoying my birthday with my family because I had no friends at this point in time… seriously…

… maybe it was because of this hideous haircut.  Yes, those are racing stripes and yes that is a mullet…

… remember this post a while back about how much I hated mullets?  Maybe I should have made sure there wasn’t thing out there to blackmail me with.  Oh well… it’s almost been 20 years since I sported the ol’ “racing stripe mullet”… I can talk smack now.

Puberty wasn’t nice to me.  If you’re wondering… that’s a birthday “pie” with a “12″ in the middle.  I also don’t have any friends to celebrate with me here.  Probably because I wore a shirt that said “Don’t Fight Naked” on it.

14th birthday.  What I’m wearing here was my typical homeschool attire: Looney Toons t-shirt and cardigan accompanied with sweat pants.

Then there’s suddenly a lull in Birthday photos.  Probably because I became to cool for them, grew up and started doing this:

Drinking cheap beer in college, hanging out with asian looking guys who I have no recollection of what their name is and growing hideous “pube” chin hair.

Taking pictures of myself with a throw away camera after I had jumped a barbed wire fence (and successfully ripped off my left eyebrow) in an effort to get my car that was 13 miles away.  Also… if you hadn’t already figured it out… I had been drinking.  I don’t recommend doing this.

Going to Vegas on minimal cash…

… and, uh… yeah… just basically… throwing my life away.  I really don’t have any other comment for this picture other than, “wow”.

Then I met a girl who really made my drunk and/or hung over ass look better in pictures:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Much better…

Then that girl gave me this:

Which made me do this:

Nice view from the mountain in our backyard…

Then that little girl turned into this:

And subsequently… we’re one big happy family:

Then I turned 30…

Let’s see what the next 30 years will bring shall we…

 

And Now… An Old Blog Post: “What If?”

This post was originally published on MySpace back on January 21st, 2009.  I had just started blogging and had just started to experience what life was like as a new father.  I perused some of my old stuff the other day and came across this which brought back alot of emotions and showed to me how far I’ve come in just less than a year.  It’s a little wordy but I wanted to share it with all of you…

==============================================

As many of you know who have read my blogs, I deal with a lot of irrational fears and “what if” scenarios in my mind being a new father.  Unfortunately, a scenario rocked our world yesterday… and fortunately it didn’t wind up with us in the emergency room or worse.  It’s more than a story about irrational fears though… it’s a story about so much more…..

Story contracted RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus, a virus that can cause colds and coughs in adults but can produce severe pulmonary diseases like bronchitis and pneumonia in young children) about a week ago and it has required Mindy and I to balance work and taking care of her.  She hasn’t been to day care all this week as we’ve been trying to get her back on a healthy track where she’s not so sad all the time…..

She coughs like she’s been smoking for 20 years and her nose runs like Niagara Falls.  This requires Mindy and I go get up several times in the night to sooth her because she coughs so hard and rough it wakes her up.

It’s moments like these where you’re really challenged.  You’re challenged because you didn’t know it was going to be like this.  When you realize you’re going to be a parent, it is a joyous moment.  There’s lots of crying and hugs and phone calls to loved ones letting them know the good news.  People will tell you “being a parent is hard work” and “get all your sleep now”, etc.  All I could picture was her playing and laughing and saying “I love you daddy”.  What no one can clearly relay to you is the moments where you feel like you can’t take it anymore.  Times when you think something else can’t possible go wrong and it does.  Times where you want to just scream and throw your hands in the air and say “I give up!”

Sunday in particular was rough for me because we were both dealing with minimal sleep and I honestly hadn’t gotten a moment to myself (other than my job… not the kind of “me” time I want) in several weeks.  Story had been up and down all night and hadn’t taken a nap worth anything all day and most of her actions involved her whining and crying.  Mindy had allowed me to try and take a nap to catch up on some sleep but I couldn’t sleep past 20 or 30 minutes because of her crying.  Mindy suggested we take a drive with Story to see if the car would lull her to sleep which usually happens on normal circumstances.  On the drive, I broke down and cried and just felt like a limp noodle.  I never realized it was going to be THIS HARD.  I had always imagined myself being a great father and at this moment I felt so vulnerable.  Mindy assured me I was a great father and this happens to everyone.  She has had her moments where I picked her up from what felt like the point of no return.  It was my time to break down I guess.  I felt guilty, I felt useless, I felt hopeless… I was just so sad. ….

Once we got back to the house, Mindy suggested I leave the house for a little while so I could have some time to myself.  I decided to go to this park by our house and walk around a bit.  On the way to the park I was crying out to God to take away my pain, guilt, uselessness, etc.  “Where are you?” I would say.  “I thought you’re supposed to help me through this.”  I got out of the car once I made it to the park and walked around some baseball fields.  It felt good to have the fresh air blow on my face.  The baseball fields added some comfort as well because it reminded me of my childhood and how old I had gotten.  I decided to sit down in the grass for a little bit and pray.  I prayed hard.  I prayed as I watched the beautiful sunset for God to send me a sign that he was really here and he heard me and that everything was going to be okay.  There was nothing.  No cross in the sky, no flaming bush, no ghostly figure of Jesus on the baseball field wanting me to play catch with him… nothing.  I got up and walked to the car feeling better yet not completely healed from my frustration at the feeling of God’s absence in my life…..

The next day (Monday) I took off work to stay home with Story while she got over her sickness.  Mindy and I decided we would split Tuesday.  I would go to work in the morning and she would go in the afternoon.  Mindy called me while I was at work to let me know she thought Story was wheezing a little bit, something the doctor had told us to watch for.  If she did start to wheeze then we were supposed to set up another appointment.  I got the duty of taking her to the appointment.

After the doctor examined Story she decided to prescribe her some Albuterol.  This is basically inhaler medicine.  You see asthmatics taking it a lot.  Since Story is only 6 months old, she has to take the liquid brand.  The prescription came with a warning from her doctor: “Do not give Story over the allotted amount that I tell you… any more than that and it can be potentially harmful.”  She even went through the trouble of showing me on a small syringe and giving it to me.  The amount we were supposed to give Story was 1.5 CC’s.

I dropped the prescription off at CVS Pharmacy by our house and Mindy picked it up on the way home from work.  The doctor had told me this medication was probably going to make Story a little hyper so it was best for it to work a little bit before putting her to bed so we decided to give it to her then.

I was holding Story in my lap and Mindy came out of the kitchen with a different syringe than the one the doctor had given me.  We have about 20 syringes from different medicines we’ve accumulated and this was one of them.  Mindy had referred to what the prescription on the bottle told her to take from it.  Once she got closer to me and at about two seconds before she stuck the syringe in Story’s mouth I proclaimed that amount just didn’t look like what the doctor had told me to give Story.  I told Mindy to double check the prescription.  On the bottle the pharmacy had given us it said “1.5 TEASPOONS”!  We called to confirm with the doctor what she had told me was correct, that she was to receive 1.5 CC’s… not 1.5 TEASPOONS… over FIVE times the required amount of this “potentially harmful” drug if taken in excess.  The pharmacy had righteously screwed the pooch on this one.  One call to the Pharmacy manager sent enough chills through his body to make him question if he would still be employed tomorrow.

Only after a good night’s sleep on the whole situation does the entire picture really come in to focus.  It has brought out a lot of “What if’s”. What if the doctor hadn’t taken the time to show me on a syringe how much to give Story.  What if I wasn’t paying attention (which I have a hard time doing sometimes) while she was showing me?  What if I wasn’t holding Story when Mindy came around with the syringe that could potentially overdose our child?  What if the unthinkable had happened?  We won’t even go there.

The unbelievable aspect of it was that we were two seconds away from potentially life threatening circumstances and if everything hadn’t been lined up specifically the way it had happened… we would be in the emergency room right now.  We probably wouldn’t even know why it happened before it was too late.  The repercussions of such an event would have trickled throughout so many lives it is incomprehensible.

Yet several days ago… I prayed for a sign.  I prayed for God to show me His is working in my life and He is there.  I wanted a cross in the sky or a flaming bush.  He gave me the life of my baby girl.  I don’t believe that this could have happened by circumstance because there are so many other more believable circumstances that would have led to Story taking a potentially disastrous amount of Albuterol.  God was showing me He has control.  He wasn’t going to show me with what I believed I needed.  You see… He’s running the show and He knows what I need for a wake up call.

It is so hard for me to give up the reins to my life and believe that God’s ultimate plan for me and my family is a better one than I have.  I hate to say that God has been the literal backseat driver in my life.  I am not the Christian I want to be because it continually involves trusting Him… who I cannot see.  Despite not being able to “see” God does not mean that my eyes are not more open.  Slowly but surely I can clearly see Him working in my life.  Yesterday’s Albuterol incident are clear examples of Him saying, “Chris I am not putting a cross in the sky!  That’s so Old Testement!  I am very much present in your life… you just need to know where to look!”  After yesterday… He is sitting in the passenger seat next to me.

Most people reading this believe in “someone out there”.  Most people’s perception of Him is a distant god who isn’t much of a factor or who “probably doesn’t care about me”.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  He probably doesn’t seem close because we probably haven’t taken the time to get to know Him or we believe he doesn’t care because we haven’t reached out to Him and had the patience to find out what can happen.  Take some time to get to know this God guy… you just might like what you see… or what you can’t “see”.

On a separate note… please take the time to make sure your prescriptions are filled correctly.  Never ever just assume that the pharmacy has filled it correctly…..

 

Five Questions

1. What do you like about my blog?

You like the random nature of what I talk about?  You think I talk about Daddy’s Little Girl just enough?  You think I talk about my wife just enough?  You think I’ve got it all figured out? 

2.  What do you not like about my blog and/or what can I improve on?

You don’t like the random nature of what I talk about?  I could talk about Daddy’s Little Girl more?  I could talk about my wife more?  I could be funnier?  I could be more serious?  I could add some flashier stuff on my web page?  Anything goes here people…

3.  Can you write a caption for this picture?

4.  Who has time to do Soduku?

YAAAAWWWNN!

5.  Kim Kardashian vs. Megan Fox in a cage fight to the death… who wins?  Whoever wins will subsequently be ranked #1 on Papa K’s “Hottest Woman Other Than My Wife” list.

 vs.

My money’s on Megan…

 

Santa Is A Real Asshole

Have you ever really listened to the Christmas song “I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus”?  Allow me to indulge you for a moment:

Christmas toys all over the place
Little Shelby wears a funny smile on his face
Shelby has a secret
And the secret he must share
He wants to tell somebody
So he tells his teddy bear
I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then, I saw Mama tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mama kissing Santa Claus last night

Okay… so… this song was written in 1952… times were much more innocent back then.  I realize that “Santa Claus” is probably “Daddy” dressed up as Santa but if you are to take this song literally… it makes this whole situation seem a little jacked up.

First of all, if you don’t realize the playful nature of this song and that Shelby is probably just peeking in on his dad and mom kissing under the mistletoe you might accidentally think that Mama is cheating on Daddy with this old, fat, hairy bastard.

Santa should not be trusted

Despite the fact that this song was written over 50 years ago… there’s still something deeply disturbing about it.  All of us listening to it might say, “Oh! Ha, I get it!!  Shelby is actually just seeing his Dad and Mom have a sweet Christmas Eve kiss!  He’s just misunderstanding what’s really going on!  How cute!”

Well let me tell you something people… Shelby actually thinks his Mom is getting it on with SANTA CLAUS while Daddy is (more than likely) asleep!!  And he thinks Daddy would have laughed about it!!  I’ll tell you what I would have done if I had gotten out of bed to find my wife mugging down and “tickling the beard” of some random fat dude in our house… I’d have collapsed his frontal lobe with the nearest blunt object I could find.

What happens after Shelby creeps back to bed?  Does he lay there and worry about if he should tell Daddy or not?  Does he pray that his Mom and Dad don’t get divorced because Dad can’t “clean her chimney” like Santa can?  Does he cover his head with his pillow to muffle the sound of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho’s” and Mama’s “Oh-oh-oh’s”?

What kind of light does this song shed on Santa?  It makes him sound like a real slut.  He gets one night a year away from Mrs. Claus and apparently he takes the opportunity to get his game on.  Mrs. Claus thinks he’s off spreading good will towards men… when he’s actually spreading the legs of housewives on the “naughty list”.

Oooooooh. I think I just went too far.

Sorry.  I couldn’t help myself.  I was just being frank with you.

Anyway… I think the song is a little dated for where our world is at this point in time.  Santa should stick with gifts and stockings… not Mama’s fun bags. 

Santa’s been pulling the wool (in more ways than one) over our eyes for years…

 

The Universe Was Upset… But Only For A Moment

Daddy’s Little Girl is about to turn 17 months old very soon and up until last night… she has not consummated one of my ultimate fears regarding fatherhood.

We’re one of those strange parenting couples who give our kid a bath every night.  Our view is that you can’t be too careful with viruses like H1N1, strep throat and Lindsay Lohan running around wreaking havoc on the lives of parents and their spawn. 

 vs.

Which is worse?  I’m going with Lindsay…

So needless to say the opportunity has been there for DLG to float a log in the tub.  But alas she has not.

Until last night that is.

I was pegged then with watching DLG in the tub while Bunny cleaned up the tornado that had limited itself to the living room.  I did what I normally did: splashed and played with DLG while she would chirp unintelligible words and carry on a conversation with me in her language only she and Jesus understand.  Occasionally, a word might have escaped her lips that I understood: “ba” (ball), “ba-oon” (balloon), “pash” (splash) or “da-zee” (Jazzy… our dog).

Then after a short while in the water, she said a word any one could understand:  “Pee pee!”.

“Daddy… I pee peed!!”

“Ohhh did you pee pee?” I said enthusiastically, “It’s okay… don’t worry about it”.

Then she started to get this worried look on her face while pointing to the more private areas of her anatomy.

“Too.  Too.” She said under furrowed brow. 

“Uhh… I tooted”.

She normally only says this after I let out one of my purposefully loud flatulent blasts.  I noticed moments after she said this that bubbles started make their quickened ascent from underneath where she was sitting to the surface of the water line.

“Uh… are you pooping?” I said very nervously.

“Poop” she answered me back with a smile.

“Tee hee.  I just pooped in the tub!!”

I cautiously leaned over the tub and gently picked her up and affirmed what I had feared.  Two malt ball sized turds quickly floated to the surface

“HONEY!!!” I screamed. “SHE’S POOPING IN THE TUB I’M NOT KIDDING… I’M TOTALLY SERIOUS!!!”

I unfortunately had “cried wolf” on this situation a couple times before with the result being me rolling on the floor laughing because Bunny had rushed to my side only to find out I was joking.  I felt the need to clarify in my loud statement that this was no joke, but rather… a freakin’ emergency!  The only thing grosser than regular turds are wet, floating turds in the bathtub.

Bunny fortunately sensed the urgency in my voice and rushed to my aid.  We quickly whisked her out of her little tub, flushed the renegade turds down the toilet and washed her down of any possible turd molecules that may have found a way to her through the madness that ensued moments after they become free from the constraints of her lower intestine.

Once she was cleaned off, the turds were flushed and the tub was vigorously rinsed with soap, hot water, bleach and hydrochloric acid… all was right in the Universe once again.

Like most things you fear as a parent… is the fear of the unknown.  I didn’t know what would happen if DLG pooped in the tub!  But after living through it I can tell you it’s not as bad as I had imagined! 

In fact, she tried to tell me!  She told me what she was doing but since we’ve only really touched the tip of the iceberg concerning potty training… there was nothing I could do but sit there watch little guys shout “Freedom!!” as they shot through the endless expanse of water they had been birthed in to. 

Maybe potty training won’t be so bad!

“Potty training?  I don’t know what that is but it sounds like fun!!”

Famous last words…