Papa K Grants You The Wish Of Answering Your Questions (Part One)!

Alright… so I’ve learned something from my post requesting all of you to bombard me with questions… and that is to be careful what you wish for.

I was betting on my  internet obscurity to barely harness enough to complete my goal of at least ONE question from TEN people… turns out I got 44 questions from twelve people.  Don’t get me wrong… I’m EXTREMELY flattered that you guys are interested enough in me to ask me questions at all!  But I don’t think I’m going to be able to answer all questions in just one post. 

So without further ado as Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas would say, “Let’s get it Sta-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ted in heeeeeeeearearearearaer!” and then I’ll pee my pants:

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In the order they were received:

Jonathan said…

How do you know I have screws?

(in reference to rule six I made in my post about these questions stating: “I will respond to your questions in a future post (in about a week) and give you Earth-shattering answers bound to loosen your screws a little bit)

Well Jonathan… I happen to know that you have a screw planted firmly in your forehead because I shot it in there with a nail gun that one time we ate mushrooms and I got scared because I thought you looked like one of those creepy bird things from “The Dark Crystal”:

 

Creepiest kids movie EVER…

 Next question.

Gucci Mama had TEN questions all by herself…

1. Of the following three people, you have to marry one, kill one, and sleep with one. Who gets what? Whoopi Goldberg, Richard Simmons, Bea Arthur

I definitly not marrying or sleeping with Richard Simmons… so I guess I’ll have to kill him.

I’m not sleeping with Whoopi Goldberg because that’s just gross… so I guess I’ll marry her.

I guess that mean I have to get it on with Bea Arthur… of the three… it doesn’t look so bad.

2. What is the first thing you noticed about your wife the first time you met her?

Ohhhhhhhhhh Gucci Mama.  Gucci Mama, Gucci Mama, Gucci Mama… I’m not going to give you a super hard time on this because I happen to know you haven’t been reading me THAT long.   The answer is a quick and simple and I’ve actually written about it: her amazing boobs.  I’m one of those typical dudes.  I love boobs.  While my mind may be here:

 

It’s actually always here:

There ain’t nothing wrong with that and I ain’t ashamed to admit it!  They’re what drew me to her and WHADAYA KNOW… we’ll be married five years in September!! 

3. You know what makes me want to eat nails and spit them at nuns? When I get sucked into “texting”, which I hate, and I end the conversation with something that requires no response and the other person sends back, “K”. That’s really more of an observation than a question.

In answer to your non-question… I like texting actually.  I’m not much of a phone talker so any time I get to skip the speaking part of a phone conversation I’m gonna take it.

4. Fun fact; I can balance just about anything on my boobs. I’ve even vlogged it for the world to see, and I will tell you, those were some pretty high traffic days over at MSWG. What, if any, special and surprising bodily talent do you have?

For a man, I have some fairly sturdy breasts… but not large enough to balance anything on other than my tiny nipples.  I guess if I had to come up with a bodily talent (one that I could talk about) I’d have to say that I can do this:

Unbelievably… this is a family talent that ALL my brothers and sisters can do as well as both my parents.  I guess it’s sewn into our genetic code.

Oh… and I was also able to melt my neck one time:

Although… I haven’t been able to do it since this picture was taken.  Thank God because it frightens me so.

5. What do you find most irresistible about me? My stunning good looks? My razor sharp wit? My brilliant political analysis (it’s not boring when I do it)? Or all of the above?

None of these are the MOST irresistible…  I have to say it’s the fact that you don’t give a flying EFF what anyone thinks!  You pour your soul out on your blog daily… regardless of how you feel.  Whether you’re having a bad day, creating your own reality show, loving the hate or standing up against idiots who want to teach sex-ed to Kindergarteners… it’s all done with a real “this is the way I am so get used to it” attitude.  I like that.  I try to approach my blog the same way… although not as political, a little more weird, some spiritual issues sprinkled in and a whole lot more pictures of Kim Kardashian

6. If you could be any kind of tree in the forest, what kind of tree would you be?

I don’t care what kind of tree I was just so as long as I was planted firmly next to this tree:

7. Sapete cosa dice questo?

Alright… I only speak English and Klingon so I had to try and translate this by utilizing several online translating forums and this is what they came up with: “Sapete questo says anything?”  That doesn’t help me much.  So… I don’t know what you’re asking me!  All I can say is, ” jIH rur nga’chuq tlhej wIj be’nal”.

8. What, if any, sports did you play in high school/college?

I played baseball for about twelve years.  I could have played in Junior College but I gave up playing because I was “in love” with this girl.  Stupid mistake.  If I knew then what I know now I’d be in the majors. 

My small little claim to fame is that I struck out current St. Louis Cardinal Matt Holliday twice when we were both in high school.

I remain a gigantic Texas Rangers fan and travel to see them every year for a couple of games.  I’ve well documented my last several outings here and here and have even gotten a tattoo to commemorate my devotion to them… although it remains slightly unfinished:

9. I hate ice cream. Really, really hate it. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being totally normal and 10 being crazier than a shit house rat, how psycho is it that I hate ice cream?

Well… I happen to love ice cream!!  So I guess I think you’re crazier than a shit house rat.

10. I would rather climb into bed with ten angry cobras than come within twenty feet of a single grasshopper. What is your most irrational fear?

So I’ll get serious on this one.  Since I’ve become a father… I struggle daily with irrational fears.  They used to be much much worse and I was actually diagnosed with a form of OCD known as “Pure O – OCD” or “OCD Bad Thoughts”.  It was an incredible struggle in my life and still is from time to time.  I’ve written about it frequently and my first blog (VirtualHugs) was actually the outcome of an incredible amount of anxiety, depression and need for myself to formulate the millions of thoughts and emotions that were spinning around in my head.  So, perhaps my most irrational fears involve the people whom I’m closest to and love the most i.e. my wife and child.  I wrote a post a while back called “Let Go” that reflected on how far I’ve come from the pit of anxiety and depression I found myself in after DLG was born.  Read it if you get a chance.

 

Kim Kardashian asked…

I’ve gotten your calls and your tweets and your emails and your carrier pigeons and seen you tailing my BMW on your BMX bicycle.  If I send you a picture for your fanroll of me in a bikini with your blog URL written on me with cherry red lipstick will you LEAVE ME ALONE?!

Send me a few locks of your hair, some toe nail clippings and some flakes of your dead skin along with the picture and we’re cool.

Tit For Tat asked…

#1. Do you believe that a talking snake convinced a woman to get her husband to eat an apple and because of that we all became shitheads for eternity?

First of all, thanks for the question.  I don’t feel as though I talk spiritually enough anymore… so this gives me the opportunity.

I’m sure whole books have been written on this subject of whether or not the stories in the Old Testament actually happened or if they are just stories.  What I know is the words on those pages were written centuries ago and have been translated and interpreted in a million different ways.  So do I believe that a snake actually talked to Eve and her husband actually ate an apple and because of that we actually became shitheads?  I really don’t think so… but if you believe in God then you know he can do whatever the hell he wants to do so if that’s the way he wanted to make it happen I ain’t gonna argue with him.

Secondly, I don’t really think making it your life’s work to prove or disprove whether or not Adam and Eve were actually real would prove to be a real salvation issue.  Whether the story is real or it never happened… it’s an illustration of the human condition and we should use it as a means to better ourselves.

#2. Because of question one why do you think a really nice guy decided to get nailed to a cross and die and comeback to life to forgive you for the shit that the apple guy caused?

 This question cannot be answered in a few short paragraphs and I can’t figure out if your kind of mockingly asking me this, if you really want to know or if you’re trying to test my theological skills… but I’ll do my best.

Why?  Grace of course.  If you haven’t read a book called, “What’s So Amazing About Grace” then I urge you to do so.  While grace seems so vastly illogical to a world today that is so deeply rooted in itself, instant gratification and what Christians call “sin”… it’s everything He is. 

The best way I can describe it is that He was taking the bullet for us.  If your child had a gun pointed to their head… you would gladly take the bullet instead of them, correct?  We are God’s children.  We had the gun pointed to our heads… and He took it for us.  Plain and simple.

Reverend Papa K is now leaving the building

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If you sent me a question and I have not yet answered it… do not despair.  I will get to you.  Look for more answers to your questions soon.

If you want to ask another one… feel free to do so after this post or if you’d like to make it easier on me and my OCD… leave it after this post.