Cro-Magnon men are well-known as the earliest modern humans with traces of their existence dating back about 35,000 years ago. From what scientists with brains larger than the average watermelon can assume is that their forehead was straight, with slight browridges along with a prominent chin and a tall forehead. They stood around 6 feet 3 inches tall and their limbs were long making them stand like a stretched-out Stretch Armstrong. All in all, you could expect them to look like what the ugliest human alive today might look like.
It has long been assumed that these Cro-Magnon men died out long before the Wal-Mart deli made catching a saber-tooth tiger in order to feed your family seem like a desperate act of suicide.
Well, that’s what scientists with brains bigger than the average watermelon want you to think. What they’re not telling you is that several years ago they discovered one of the Cro-Magnon men completely well-preserved in a frozen pile of mammoth dung.
“The best we can tell is that he was the unfortunate recipient of a major blockage inside a very constipated wooly mammoth,” said Norwegian fecal scientist Ole Vogelstein who discovered the giant pile of crap. “Uh… judging by the fact he had a spear in his hand when we found him, we assumed he was sneaking up on the mammoth as a means to run him through with a spear. It didn’t pan out as he’d expected.”
The frozen Cro-Magnon man was found in the mammoth feces shortly after it was attempted to move giant pile of preserved poop.
“We ran a couple seismic tests on the pile and came to find a rather large, unusual lump within the pile that, had it actually come out of a wooly mammoth, would have torn it a new asshole.” said Ole. “Since it is just poop and we weren’t really worried about keeping it in mint condition, we broke it open and found a caveman inside, frozen all these years with a scream still on his face.”
Ole and his fecal scientist associates unfroze the cro-magnon man, named it Kris and taught it how to play basketball.
Before too long, the former Cro-Magnon man who was perfectly preserved in a giant pile of wooly mammoth shit, garnered attention from several basketball scouts from America.
“It appears that the mammoth shit he was preserved in helped his body stay warm and moist while slowing down his heart just enough to stay alive,” said New Jersey Nets scout Humphrey Smithbalm, “What most of us couldn’t imagine staying in for more than a few minutes, this kid survived in for 35,000 years! For what it’s worth, I think the mammoth shit regenerated his cells to a point where he’s almost unbreakable! Which is pretty amazing considering wooly mammoths only really ate tundra grass.”
For a life that began over 35,000 years ago in an arctic cave and seemed to have ended under an incredibly large meadow muffin, Kris’ life has really turned around. Several months ago, Kris asked reigning reality show queen Kim Kardashian to marry him (after he smashed her across the cranium with a giant club as was his former custom).
She said yes.