Real Housewives? Gimme A Break…


Several years ago, in an effort for the Bravo Network to stay in the ever growing competitive market of reality television and to feed off the success of Desperate Housewives on NBC and Laguna Beach The Real Orange County on MTV they created what could very well be the most damning evidence as to why terrorists want all of us dead: The Real Housewives of Orange County. 

I would throw that orange away… it looks spoiled.

Let me say first that I don’t watch this show religiously and I probably would never watch it if it wasn’t for my wife.  The show targets women, but more often than not the men in their lives are trapped on the couch next to them… forced to continually regurgitate then swallow the chili they ate minutes earlier.

Allow me to explain the concept of this show for a minute.  In the vein of all reality shows it follows around individuals who just happen to make “great television” by living their lives as they normally do.  In this instance… these individuals happen to be five “housewives” living very affluent lifestyles with nothing better to do with their time than spend their husbands/sugar daddies/ex-husbands/boyfriends money.  Hilarity, drama, and “real life” ensue.

A typical storyline could be this: “30-year old Gretchen stays at home to attend a party while her 80-year old fiancé travels out of the state to get treatment on his leukemia.  From his hospital bed he buys her a new 10 carat diamond engagement ring.  And a motorcycle.  And a new car.  And a bracelet.  And a small to scale replica of the golden gate bridge carved from the femur bone of fossilized mammoth. She calls him and tells him she loves him so much!  One fake tear rolls down her cheekbone and onto the only cellular device assembled using nanotechnology and capable of collapsing entire planets by punching the correct sequence of keys… and also bought for her by her leukemia ridden fiancé from the money he earned selling cloned babies on the black market.”

So I might have exaggerated that a little… but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true.

“Oh whoops!  I misplaced your medicine with hydrochloric acid!!  Sorry!!  You’ll be fine.  I want a new Porsche.”

Or this:  “Top heavy Kim’s sugar daddy only known as ‘Big Papa’, buys an 8 carat diamond engagement ring and proposes to her boobs despite the fact he’s still married with children.  She goes to a party proudly showing it off to everyone.  Everyone is too busy looking at Kim’s boobs to notice her ring.  Other ‘saintly’ housewives are disgusted and talk about Kim behind her back while they pick delicacies like chocolate covered bald eagle embryo and sour stem cell candy from their bowls made from the skulls of orphan children.”

So that was a little exaggerated too… but again, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true.

“Why yes… I am a skank”

The show is quite false in advertising the show as having “Real Housewives”!  They aren’t like any real housewife I’ve ever seen!  Most of them on the show aren’t even married and some don’t have kids!  A more appropriate title might be “The Fakest, Most Spoiled, Money Grubbing, Fake B00bed Prostitutes You’ve Ever Seen!”

What’s even worse… is the success of the original show has spun off three more shows: The Real Housewives of Atlanta, New York and New Jersey.  What’s next?  Real Housewives of Anchorage?  Real Housewives of Compton?  Real Housewives of Matamoras?  How about Real Housewives of Somalia?

Just as reality shows before and after it… this show makes celebrities and (God forbid) role models out of these people whose lives are nothing to be mirrored.  The last thing I want is my daughter growing up thinking it’s no big deal for her to suck the final pennies from a dying man in order for her to “love” him and… to add insult to injury… televise her ploy for the whole world to smirk at and call a skank.  Or even worse, grow up to be a beautiful woman hell bent on destroying the marriage of a man with children and parade herself as the “other woman” in his life whom he’ll leave his family for… one day.

Are we sure these are the people we need to be giving a reality show to?

Shouldn’t we have given a reality TV show to Mother Theresa?   Wouldn’t that have instilled some good things in our minds?  Wouldn’t that have given us some hope that there is still some good left in the world?  I’m even sure her life was light years away from being more interesting.

But “Real Housewives” is just entertainment, right?  We watch it to laugh at these people, right?  If it bothers me so much, why don’t I turn it off?  Well… of that much I am guilty.  I get pulled into watching the slow train wreak happen only to shake my head in disbelief.   

With all that being said, it is not the “Housewives” who are going to cause our world to swing off its axis and crash into the sun but it certainly is contributing to it.  With the media having you believe that a housewife can be nothing more than a cheap, made up, cheating floozy who can barely raise her Chihuahuas… then we’re headed towards our own demise faster than you can tell this joke:

Me: Knock-Knock.

You: Who’s there?

Bam.  You’re dead.  I didn’t even get to the punchline.

I’m happy though.  I’m happy that I can differentiate between the real world… and the “Real Housewives”.

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3 responses to “Real Housewives? Gimme A Break…

  1. A reality show featuring Mother Theresa would have been ALL WRONG. It would have convicted people and challenged them to be more than they are. Horrors!!

    Reality shows exist for one reason, and one reason only: to make sorry-ass people feel better about their own sorry-ass lives. Blech.

  2. **gag**

    I’m glad I don’t have tv.

    I really love your rants, though. I loved your “storylines”, LOL. They make me want to write again. Hilarious!

  3. Mollien (Mom) Koenig

    In agreement with the above comments – the “storylines” will be bought up in a snap by all -haha – producers of said tripe.

    Those same producers are counting on you to tune in and laugh AT the above-mentioned sorry-ass people. I mean, what do they care WHY you tune in? Just so long as you do. It’s all about $$$$$.

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