Sentimental


I like to be funny… but I also like to get sentimental 

So, allow me to get sentimental for a moment.

Once I became a father… things changed.  Things changed like they’d never changed before.  You always hear how much of a change it’s going to be from your friends and family members who happen to be parents and somehow the severity of it goes right over your head. 

When I heard that things would be different I was comfortable enough to say, “I can handle it… the late nights, the sickness, the disciplining, etc.”  Truth of the matter is… I could handle those things.  What I hadn’t prepared myself for were the changes that would take place in the folds of my gray matter, in the sparks of neurons in the hemispheres of my mind… in my brain… in my thoughts.

Once Daddy’s Little Girl was born, the world was suddenly a much more dangerous place.  Uncertainty clouded my every thought.  The two people I loved more than anything on this Earth were suddenly in danger from every imaginable situation you could think of.

Tears.  Headaches.  Sleeplessness.  Depression.  Anxiety.

The worst fear I could have ever imagined.

All of these things happened to me at rate that made me believe I literally was losing my mind.  I was officially diagnosed with a detrimental form of OCD.  I was in a position I had never believed I was capable of being in. 

To make things worse… in my unconscious mind I thought that by worrying myself into a frenzy I was somehow helping the situation.  That by worrying… I was somehow preventing situations from happening.  I was in an inescapable situation and destined to be miserable at moments that were supposed to be the best moments of my life.

At least that’s what I thought at the time.

I know that some of you who read this may not believe in God… and that’s fine.  But I do.  I have never believed in Him more than after my trials through the fires of my mind. 

I could be angry at God for allowing these things to happen to me… but alas I am not.  I am the unfortunate product of a world that has taken His gift of free will and made the decision to carry on without Him.  The years of cultivating myself in the stew of the secular world had suddenly manifested itself as the huge, pussy, pulsating sore on my soul that it had been building up to for so long.  I had no one else to blame but myself for this one and it was only through His grace that I’m pulling myself out of it.  I refuse to give credit to myself.

I’m sure you’ve heard people talk about times in their life where they hit rock bottom… only to pull themselves out, look back and say, “Wow… look how far I’ve come!”  Soon, it’s going to be a year since I felt like I’d hit rock bottom.  Now, my emotions are a bit like the history of the stock market: always on the rise, but with peaks and valleys here and there.

I can’t say that I’m happy that I went through all this… but I know I’m stronger, more confident, more appreciative, more loving and hell… maybe a little bit better of a writer because of it!

The morning I discovered Bunny and I were having a baby… I cried that whole day because I had contributed in the miracle of creating a new life.  If I had only known how much that little baby was going to contribute in creating a new life in me… then I might have just cried for a whole week.

No two more unassuming lines have made such an impact in my life as these (in case you’re wondering… yes, we still have the positive pregnancy test from over two years ago)

But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me that through me the message might be fully proclaimed, and that all the Gentiles might hear; and I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion.  And the Lord will deliver me from every evil work and preserve me for his heavenly kingdom; to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen. ~~ 2nd Timothy 4:17-18.

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8 responses to “Sentimental

  1. yet again great blog. are u a writer as a career? if not you should be. your really good at writing and conveying a great story. good job again. enjoy reading them. congrats and thanks for the stories!

    • I’m seriously flattered you think I’m such a great writer Mandal. I honestly only started writing seriously about a year ago but I come from a gene pool of good writers so maybe I have a genetic advantage to be able to write well. Thanks for your continued comments and kind words.

  2. You forgot humble. Parenting will be the single most humbling experience of your life; humiliating, even. Count on it. ;o)

    Beautifully written, Chris. The scripture is perfect.

  3. Chris…
    You brought tears to my eyes because I to have had my anxieties with being a new mom. I started having serious panic attacks around 3 months after the twins were born.I have had so many issues and like you I am slowly pulling myself out and if it wasn’t for my God and prayer I would not have made it. Thanks for sharing! I love you and Mindy and soooo much… miss you guys. By the way you are a terrific writer!

    • Hey Julie… so glad to hear that you’re on the up and up too! I’ll keep you in my prayers as I know all too well how difficult it can be!! We all need to get together some time!

      Thanks for the props as well!!

  4. Awww, I love it! And I agree with comment above, you definitely have it in you to write! For a second, I thought that pregnancy test was current and I was gonna call Mindy and scream at her for not telling me!

  5. Mollien (Mom) Koenig

    I’m laughing at Billie’s comment because I too read “the” as “this” and thought the preg.test was current (for a micro-second).

    This was beautiful Chris…you’re getting better and better at expressing yourself. The scripture tells me that my prayers for you are being answered daily. Love you so much…

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