How I Know I’ve “Made It”

I think everyone has a different standard on what it means to “make it”. 

What was your “one thing” you wanted as a kid?  Did you want a garage full of fast cars?  Did you want a bunch of money in your bank account?  How about a 4-story, 10 bedroom, 7 1/2 bathroom house and five car garage?  Or your face on the cover of “US” magazine?  Or a sex change operation?  A penthouse in the south of France?  A third boob?  Two buttholes?  A permanently hairless body?  Steel wool instead of hair?  A girlfriend from a rap video?  X-ray vision?  A midget slave?

For me… for some reason… in my mind… the way I feel as though I’ve made it… is… to have a crapload of movies.

Ahhhh… my lifes work.  Something that I’ll pass along to my kids who will pass along to their kids and so on and so on until the end of time.  I have this picture framed at work.

A closer up shot of my movies, or as I like to call this particular area of my movie collection, “shelf two, DE through IN”

When I was a kid, I imagined having a house with an entertainment room and the walls filled with a library of movies.  Then I could have a movie night at my house where every one of my friends would come over, we’d pull out the list of my movies and pick one.  Maybe two.  Maybe a trilogy!  Drama night?  Comedy night?  Keanu Reeves night?  Sean Connery night?  Julia Ormond night? Macaulay Culkin night?  Pick your poison.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my parents had (and still have) a 13-inch television (that is now almost officially 20 YEARS OLD MOM AND DAD!!!)for me to watch my movies on.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact that movies were really my only friends for a long time during the 4 year period in which I was homeschooled.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had stars in my eyes and I would pull these actor’s talents from the screen and burn them into my subconscious only to let them sit there and suffocate within the deep inner recesses of my psyche, destined never to show their face unless by some miracle I’m discovered by a Hollywood agent as I act like a mime on a sugar high in front of my one year old.

Whatever the reason, for me Lots of Movies = Success.  So if that is the true measure of success in a worldly sense… then I guess I’m pretty successful.

The really sad thing about having this as a way to measure my success is that I tend to just sit there and stare at them.  When no one else is around… I’ll sit on the side of my couch and take it ALL IN. 

My thought process might go something like this:

“Chris… you are the coolest person alive!  Look at all your movies!  You have finally made it!  Your collection is so finely distributed that any person who enjoys a particular genre would be able to pick a movie they like!  Wow… go make love to your wife you Godfather of movies you!”

Embarrassingly enough, Bunny once caught me making sexy eyes at my movies and took pictures of me.  Now I know what it’s like to be famous and followed by paparazzi who catch you in compromising situations.

Moments before the flash caught me off guard…

Moments after the flash caught me off guard…

Moments before smashing the only digital camera we have then promising to buy a new one…

Recently I just alphabetized them.  Next I plan to itemize them on a spreadsheet complete with links to the synopsis of each movie.  I’m also in the process of engineering something like a jukebox… but for movies where someone can choose a movie then… BAM… it plays on the TV.  Then I plan on making love to the movies… wait… what?  No, no… I didn’t mean to say that.

If anyone breaks into our house while we’re gone… they can have anything… just don’t take my movies… please.

Help me.


8 responses to “How I Know I’ve “Made It”

  1. Ohhhh Chris, you have outdone yourself. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Are you serious about the spreadsheet? I am calling Bunny right now to tell her to put on a low cut shirt so you have something to focus on other than admiring your movie collection 🙂

    • Ah yes… thank you for the cleavage imagery Billie. I needed that! And to answer your question… No… I wasn’t serious about the spreadsheet. I was exaggerating just a tad. 🙂

  2. dude so hilarious… but i gotta tell ya i understand completely i have the same thing with cd’s and music in general. that if some came over that they would be impressed with my wide selection, or need the right song for a moment in life. the perfect break up song..or a song for they’re first dance i’d have it. cheers another great blog!

  3. Bruce Wilson has the jukebox movie player. Just press the button and the movie plays onto the giant screen that drops down from the ceiling (at the touch of a button). You would poop your pants.

    And the mother in me must say…I hope that cupboard is bolted to the wall. It could seriously kill someone if it fell on them.

    • Wow… thats awesome. I did just poop my pants.

      And yes… the movie shrine is bolted to the wall. Additionally… if for some reason it did fall, it wouldn’t hit the floor as the couch is in the way. The father in me already played this scenario out so no need to worry… 🙂

  4. Jenni is right! You’d never go to a movie theater again if you ever had a setup like Bruce! LOL

    Spreadsheet smedsheet… you need one of these!

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