This is something I’ve been struggling a lot with lately. While I do believe I am probably one of the hotter dads in the universe… I’m a little sketchy on if I am The Hottest Dad Alive.
Let’s explore the possibility shall we?
Some things that may inhibit me from being THDA are the fact that I don’t have a six-pack, I’m not a model (yet), I can’t ride a lion without a saddle, I haven’t quite yet perfected the worm and I laugh every time I fart. I am currently in the process of amending these things to try and solidify my case for THDA.
While those things are working against me… there are many more things that are working for me: I can bounce my pecs to the beat of any song, I have a sweet ass that will hypnotize you if you walk behind me, you can get lost in my eyes, I can sneeze while keeping my eyes open at the same time, I have 17 well placed tattoos, I can make stimulating conversation, I exude love and compassion, I can’t go a day without putting on deodorant and I always put down the toilet seat.
While most of the more prominent fathers in the world think they are quite assuredly THDA by making headlines in the pages of the New York Times, People Magazine, Us Magazine or Playgirl Magazine… I quietly take my place among the sea of normal fathers and build my army of followers who believe that I am indeed… more than likely… The Hottest Dad Alive.
Let me see if I can prove it to you and myself with a random cross section of the world of dads as we know it:
Papa K VS. Brad Pitt
This is no contest really. While Mr. Pitt may have me beat in the amount of money he makes, numbers of countries he’s been to, movie stars he’s dated and kids he’s adopted I decidedly crush him in a number of areas:
– my wife is hotter… Jolie looks like she’s hanging on a coat hanger
– He’s never made a good movie
– I’m not an asshole
– I’m pretty sure I could defeat him in a cage match… if they allowed us to have weapons
Papa K VS. Twilight Freak
Okay… so he’s not a dad yet… but there are plenty of Twilight obsessed chicks who’d want to have his baby… so it’s only a matter of time. I crush him in these areas:
– Unbelievably… I’m more tan
– He’s not really a vampire… neither am I but that’s not the point
– He’s British… I’m not
– I’m not ugly as hell
Papa K VS. Jon Gosselin
This one’s going to be easy:
– I’m not a douchebag who thinks wearing Ed Hardy clothes make me cool
– I didn’t marry a lesbian
– I didn’t wh0re my children (child in my case) to make a million bucks
– I’m not followed by paparazzi all day with nothing better to do than follow my pathetic life
Papa K VS. Male Praying Mantis
– My wife did not consume me after we consummated our relationship
– My eyeballs are positioned on the front of my face and not the sides
– I am decidedly bigger and much more attractive
– I can be camouflage if I want… but decide to not be most of the time
So… with these random examples I have hands down completely obliterated the competition.
I am officially 100% hotter than these examples!
I think this proves my theory and solidifies my place as The Hottest Dad Alive. We could do this all day but just to save everyone time and money… I officially appoint myself as such. I expect to be addressed as “Hottest Dad Alive” in all future correspondence. Thank you.
I accept this trophy in complete and utter humility. You like me… you… really like me!! Really… I couldn’t have done it without you. Don’t worry… maybe you’ll win next year.