Am I The Worlds Hottest Dad?


This is something I’ve been struggling a lot with lately. While I do believe I am probably one of the hotter dads in the universe… I’m a little sketchy on if I am The Hottest Dad Alive.

Let’s explore the possibility shall we?

Some things that may inhibit me from being THDA are the fact that I don’t have a six-pack, I’m not a model (yet), I can’t ride a lion without a saddle, I haven’t quite yet perfected the worm and I laugh every time I fart. I am currently in the process of amending these things to try and solidify my case for THDA.

While those things are working against me… there are many more things that are working for me: I can bounce my pecs to the beat of any song, I have a sweet ass that will hypnotize you if you walk behind me, you can get lost in my eyes, I can sneeze while keeping my eyes open at the same time, I have 17 well placed tattoos, I can make stimulating conversation, I exude love and compassion, I can’t go a day without putting on deodorant and I always put down the toilet seat.

While most of the more prominent fathers in the world think they are quite assuredly THDA by making headlines in the pages of the New York Times, People Magazine, Us Magazine or Playgirl Magazine… I quietly take my place among the sea of normal fathers and build my army of followers who believe that I am indeed… more than likely… The Hottest Dad Alive.

Let me see if I can prove it to you and myself with a random cross section of the world of dads as we know it:

 

Papa K                                       VS.                                      Brad Pitt

This is no contest really. While Mr. Pitt may have me beat in the amount of money he makes, numbers of countries he’s been to, movie stars he’s dated and kids he’s adopted I decidedly crush him in a number of areas:

– my wife is hotter… Jolie looks like she’s hanging on a coat hanger
– He’s never made a good movie
– I’m not an asshole
– I’m pretty sure I could defeat him in a cage match… if they allowed us to have weapons

 

 

Papa K                                       VS.                          Twilight Freak

Okay… so he’s not a dad yet… but there are plenty of Twilight obsessed chicks who’d want to have his baby… so it’s only a matter of time.  I crush him in these areas:

– Unbelievably… I’m more tan
– He’s not really a vampire… neither am I but that’s not the point
– He’s British… I’m not
– I’m not ugly as hell

 

 

Papa K                                       VS.                                      Jon Gosselin

This one’s going to be easy:

– I’m not a douchebag who thinks wearing Ed Hardy clothes make me cool
– I didn’t marry a lesbian
– I didn’t wh0re my children (child in my case) to make a million bucks
– I’m not followed by paparazzi all day with nothing better to do than follow my pathetic life

 

 

Papa K                                      VS.                                        Male Praying Mantis

– My wife did not consume me after we consummated our relationship
– My eyeballs are positioned on the front of my face and not the sides
– I am decidedly bigger and much more attractive
– I can be camouflage if I want… but decide to not be most of the time

So… with these random examples I have hands down completely obliterated the competition. 

I am officially 100% hotter than these examples!

I think this proves my theory and solidifies my place as The Hottest Dad Alive.  We could do this all day but just to save everyone time and money… I officially appoint myself as such.  I expect to be addressed as “Hottest Dad Alive” in all future correspondence.  Thank you.

I accept this trophy in complete and utter humility.  You like me… you… really like me!!  Really… I couldn’t have done it without you.  Don’t worry… maybe you’ll win next year.

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4 responses to “Am I The Worlds Hottest Dad?

  1. A few flaws in your logic:

    12 Monkeys (Pitt was brilliant)
    Pattinson is gorgeous (not so much as a vampire, but otherwise)

    In spite of this, I will concede that, using your rationale, you are definitely…

    The SECOND hottest dad alive.

    (and most assuredly one of the funniest)

    Jenni

  2. LOL…

    Sorry, Chris, but I’m gonna have to put you down for 4th hottest dad (although you definitely beat Pitt and the vampire freak…and that other guy…ew…no contest whatsoever). 😉

    (you do know that when pecs bounce, they qualify as man-boobs, right?)

  3. Okay.

    When I read the words “Twilight Freak”, I just about peed my pants. You really should put some kind of disclaimer on you posts – like “Pee first.”

    However: Pitt, I like the Ocean movies. Pattison, well he’s grown on me since Cedric Diggory. Jon, Ew. He got worse looking. And I’m sure you could beat a bug.

    Unfortunately, I already gave this award to MY husband. That award you have there is a fake. Sorry.

    • chriskoenig4324

      Thanks for visiting Mama. Although… you may want to check with the National Association Responsible For Appointing The Worlds Hottest Dad (NARFATWHD)… that was the 2009 award… given to yours truly…

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