Some Trucks Should Be Neutered

You should be so blessed if you’ve never seen these before:

These are silver metallic “nutz”.  Other colors include pink, titanium, black, orange and for all you hunters out there… camo. 

They go on any range of vehicle… but mostly trucks driven by guys who think they’re cool… like this:

This owner went with a more traditional, flesh-colored set of truck balls

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say if Jeff Foxworthy was still doing his “You know you’re a redneck if…” jokes, then half of them would be at the expense of the those brainy individuals who purchase these hard plastic male gonads for their truck.

I can tell you that the image I have of everyone who has these on their truck is something like this:

“Yessir… I thank them ther truck balls are the derndest funniest thang I e’er seen.  I like my blue ones the best… it goes best with mah eye color.  Where’s my Milwaukee’s Best at?”

Perhaps they’re only more prevalent where I live in Oklahoma because people here are ignorant and don’t have anything else better to do.

Why do I hate these “ornaments” so?  Well… I’ll tell you with four reasons.

First of all, I don’t want to look a testicles.  Plain and simple.  Now… if you’re a truck ball owner… you may like to do that and that’s okay.  I personally like boobs… that doesn’t mean I’m going to put them on the front of my car.

Hmmm… maybe there’s an idea here:  “Car Boobs”!  What do you think?

Secondly, I believe the presumption is that if you hang a pair of these saggy balls from the back of your truck is that your truck is a “male truck”.  The most common kind of saggy balls I see are on un-neutered dogs or bulls.  So, I am made to presume that your “male truck” is a fierce bull or rabid killer dog like a Pit Bull, Doberman or that dog from the movie “Kujo”.

What a farce.

What you have here is a common misconception that all trucks are “boys”.  These “ball hangers” are probably the same people who think all lady bugs and cats are “girls”.  What if your truck happens to be a girl?  Hanging the defining characteristic of the male anatomy will not suddenly turn your girl truck into a guy. 

Sorry Jed… you might want to check the sex of your truck before you go hangin’ some male marbles on it.

Thirdly, if you’re a big cowboy redneck who wears your skin-tight Levi’s, ten gallon cowboy hat, belt buckle bigger than your head and super starched western shirt while spitting your huge wad of chewing tobacco into a used Coke bottle… don’t you have enough working against you?  Truck balls aren’t going to get you any more attention than you’ve already gotten. 

My guess would be… if you’re trying to impress your lady friend with a romantic evening of dinner and a movie… she might just tell you she came down with a sudden illness when she sees you pull up in your mammoth truck that has saggy balls still swaying from the momentum of pulling into her driveway.  That is… if she hasn’t tucked tail and ran just from seeing you in your full regalia the first time.

My fourth and final reason is the plain and simple fact that it just isn’t funny nor are you seen in a positive light by anyone except maybe other oversized testicle owners!  You may think you’re being creative because you’re pretending that your truck is a big, bad, testosterone filled machine with one hot Rico Suave driving it when in fact you’re a giant hick driving an oversized vehicle to compensate for your lack of confidence and creativity.

I think I ate too many rage muffins this morning.


5 responses to “Some Trucks Should Be Neutered

  1. I am SO with you on this one. Except it’s not to compensate for lack of confidence and creativity. It’s to compensate for the smaller appendage that is placed above the testicles. Hence, the testicles on the car, to make it even MORE obvious what they’re compensating for. Seems to me that if the general knowledge is that the bigger the truck, the smaller the you-know-what (I will edit since this is read by family), then you wouldn’t further advertise that you are compensating for that appendage by adding what usually accompanies it. It’s like screaming, “I HAVE A SMALL PRICK!” Perhaps guys who do that to their trucks (or even drive big trucks to begin with) don’t realize that that is what pretty much every girl in existence thinks when she’s sees a guy in a big truck – much less a big truck with balls attached. Silly poorly endowed men. Guess maybe the smaller the package, the smaller the brain as well…..

  2. Hahahahahahaahaha – rage muffins. LOL

  3. and i could do without the ain’t skeered stickers too

  4. That’s a pretty excellent post, i was studying something identical on another web page not too long ago that essentially said the same thing although yours is better, plus its great to have some validation on seeing two resources agree.

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