Santa Is A Real Asshole


Have you ever really listened to the Christmas song “I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus”?  Allow me to indulge you for a moment:

Christmas toys all over the place
Little Shelby wears a funny smile on his face
Shelby has a secret
And the secret he must share
He wants to tell somebody
So he tells his teddy bear

I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then, I saw Mama tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mama kissing Santa Claus last night

Okay… so… this song was written in 1952… times were much more innocent back then.  I realize that “Santa Claus” is probably “Daddy” dressed up as Santa but if you are to take this song literally… it makes this whole situation seem a little jacked up.

First of all, if you don’t realize the playful nature of this song and that Shelby is probably just peeking in on his dad and mom kissing under the mistletoe you might accidentally think that Mama is cheating on Daddy with this old, fat, hairy bastard.

Santa should not be trusted

Despite the fact that this song was written over 50 years ago… there’s still something deeply disturbing about it.  All of us listening to it might say, “Oh! Ha, I get it!!  Shelby is actually just seeing his Dad and Mom have a sweet Christmas Eve kiss!  He’s just misunderstanding what’s really going on!  How cute!”

Well let me tell you something people… Shelby actually thinks his Mom is getting it on with SANTA CLAUS while Daddy is (more than likely) asleep!!  And he thinks Daddy would have laughed about it!!  I’ll tell you what I would have done if I had gotten out of bed to find my wife mugging down and “tickling the beard” of some random fat dude in our house… I’d have collapsed his frontal lobe with the nearest blunt object I could find.

What happens after Shelby creeps back to bed?  Does he lay there and worry about if he should tell Daddy or not?  Does he pray that his Mom and Dad don’t get divorced because Dad can’t “clean her chimney” like Santa can?  Does he cover his head with his pillow to muffle the sound of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho’s” and Mama’s “Oh-oh-oh’s”?

What kind of light does this song shed on Santa?  It makes him sound like a real slut.  He gets one night a year away from Mrs. Claus and apparently he takes the opportunity to get his game on.  Mrs. Claus thinks he’s off spreading good will towards men… when he’s actually spreading the legs of housewives on the “naughty list”.

Oooooooh. I think I just went too far.

Sorry.  I couldn’t help myself.  I was just being frank with you.

Anyway… I think the song is a little dated for where our world is at this point in time.  Santa should stick with gifts and stockings… not Mama’s fun bags. 

Santa’s been pulling the wool (in more ways than one) over our eyes for years…

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4 responses to “Santa Is A Real Asshole

  1. I did NOT need to see that first picture first thing in the morning. Urp.

  2. I agree with Jenni – that picture is just wrong. You better hope Santa doesn’t see this blog and pound you with coal this Christmas for blowing his cover. That being said, I laughed my ass off on this one. Keep em coming! (heehee, that’s what HE said!)

  3. Wait- what are you saying here.
    Santa ? and Dad? Same DNA? no way!
    Don’t mess with me – especially not now when it is so important to believe…

  4. Mrs Lonely no more

    Santa you can park your sack under my tree anytime and fill my ‘stocking’.

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