The title of this post could have been a number of different things: “My Five Dudes”, “I Got Me Some Man Crushes!”, “If I Were A Woman…I’d Own A Calendar Of At Least One Of These Guys”, “I’ll Pay These Guys To Be My Friend” or “I’d Like To Skin These Dudes, Wear Their Skin And Pretend To Be Them”… but I thought all those titles were a little too gay and/or obsessive and/or psychotic sounding.
Admit it guys… without sounding like your porch swing goes the “other way”, there are some guys in the limelight you might consider a “man’s man”. A person you have to admit… looks pretty sharp for a fellow baboon like yourself or leads the life and took the opportunities you didn’t to get where they are today. Or maybe they’re just cool and would make you giddy like a school girl if you ever saw them in person.
This is my totally non-gay list:
1. Ryan Reynolds
One of the few pictures of Ryan Reynold I found on the internet with his shirt on…
This dude’s got it all: humor, acting chops, a freakin’ six back built from the four corners of Hell AND he’s married to Scarlett Johanssen! You really can’t get much better than that! Who wouldn’t want to be him!
They’ll make some hot babies…
2. Josh Hamilton
Watching one of his record setting 28 first round home runs during the 2008 All Star Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium
Josh Hamilton was the Cinderella story of the baseball season two years ago because he happened to come back from an addiction to alcohol and crack (FYI… you don’t come back from crack) and was in the front running for American League MVP.
He’s an incredibly spiritual person who credits his comeback to a deep belief in Jesus Christ, but is born with the human tendency to fall back into his old ways as he so disappointingly proved last off season.
I wouldn’t want to be Josh to go through all that he went through with addiction… but he’s probably one of the most naturally blessed baseball players out there whose talent was seriously diminished from his years of alcohol and drug abuse. I would only dream of having that kind of talent.
Also… he’s got a lot of tattoos (although he regrets all of them).
Also… his wife is pretty good looking. And she put up with all his crap for so many years so you know she’s a good woman.
3. Sean Connery
He’d shoot you in the face right now if he was here…
I doubt Sean has ever been “uncool” or made a bad movie… okay, Highlander 2 was pretty lame.
He’s got that wicked cool voice where he manages to insert “sh” in almost every word, i.e. “Relaxsh darling… I on topsh of the schituation” (from “Diamonds Are Forever”).
He also apparently drinks from the same water that Richard Gere and Dick Clark drink from because he is quite literally immortal. Hell… he was 900 years old when he made “The Rock” with Nicholas Cage and I don’t think he was acting! I think he was actually killing those guys by crushing them with air conditioning units and throwing them out of runaway carts in the mineshafts under Alcatraz.
Then he was about 1200 years old when he shot that documentary called “Entrapment” with Catherine Zeta Jones and romanced her all throughout the movie. The guy is a lady killer and he’s older than most fossils from the Cretaceous period.
The documentary “Entrapment”.
I hope when I’m one million years old I’m half as suave as Mr. Connery.
He’s gonna getcha!
Okay… so Spiderman is not a real person but let’s pretend he is.
Spiderman (personally) has the coolest, most unique powers of any character in the superhero universe. Despite these powers he seems to be unable to get his personal life in order. His great powers can’t seem to help him in his personal life… kinda like me.
Bunny and I actually met Spiderman a while back and he was actually very down to Earth. As a fan… he didn’t make me feel small or insignificant. Rather, he encouraged me to follow my dream of cultivating my superpowers and one day we may perhaps fight side by side when mutant Junebugs try to devour the city.
Upon meeting Mr. Spiderman I told him I’d waited my whole life to meet him, he patted me on the head and said, “That’s nice young man… now let’s take the picture because I’m late for my colonic.”
His effort to retain me as a fan really struck a cord with me and I would gladly fight side by side with him whether I had super powers or not.
Also… if I were Spiderman… I’d be more aggressive in going after Black Cat and forget about Mary Jane.
Bad kitty… down kitty… DOWN!
*Side Note* – Buy Black Cat outfit for Bunny.
5. Justin Timberlake
If it’s any consolation to myself… I think I’m better looking…
The title of this post is “Five Guys I Wouldn’t Mind Bein’” and quite frankly… I wouldn’t mind being Justin Timberlake at this point in his career.
There was a time when he was with N-Sync where I wished someone would make him swallow the Ebola Virus but since he’s left the boy band era behind he’s done nothing but make movies, make #1 records, collaborate with other artists, appear on several episodes of Saturday Night Live (quite well I might add) host the Victoria’s Secret fashion show and date Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johanssen, Janet Jackson, Cameron Diaz, my wife, your wife, your mom, my mom and the Tooth Fairy.
If I can’t be Justin Timberlake… perhaps I might be able to wear his skin… if only for a little while.
I will say… despite what all these guys do have… they don’t have this:
I can’t stop looking at these pictures! Best. Birthday. Present. Ever!!
And… just for giggles…
Five Guys I Want To Kick In The Nuts
1. Jon Gosselin
For what he did to his kids and single handedly bringing down the Ed Hardy empire. Although… that’s not really a bad thing.
2. David Beckham
For being way too overrated… and I think he’s the anti-christ.
3. Brett Michaels
For being everything wrong with America right now.
4. Ray J
See # 3.
5. Brody Jenner (Bromance Show Guy, The Hills Guy, Bruce Jenner’s Son, Professional Jackass)
No editing needed on this picture…
For just being a douchbag