Man Math


Allow me to let all of you into the types of conversations that men have occasionally.  Or… perhaps “cavemen”, “pigs” or “horn toads” would be better words to describe the male gender at these moments in time.

But first… a few quick points:

I consider my wife and I in a unique situation because she’s completely comfortable with me talking to her about these kinds of things. I can tell her that Megan Fox is ultimately one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen and she won’t go into a jealous rage then eviscerate me using the nearest ball-point pen.

My ability to spot beauty on completely shallow level in members of the opposite gender… is exactly just that.  What I mean is that’s only as far as it goes.  I love my wife too much to stray.  I’ve never understood how a man could cheat on their wife!  The closest situation I’ve ever put myself in to cheat on Bunny… is occasionally in my dreams at night… and even there in the deep subconscious of my mind I’m unable to do so.  Being faithful is part of my DNA, it’s part of my make up, it’s just who I am.

I don’t want to paint a picture of a man without fault though.  I laid it out there for  the world to know several months ago in admitting a secret addiction I had that rocked our relationship for a time.  Seeing the disappointment in Bunny’s eyes after such an episode stirred my soul in such a way that I never wanted to put us in even a remotely similar situation again for the rest of my life.  For the first time in our relationship, I had a moment where I thought I might lose her… and it scared me.

Bunny knows I’m extremely attracted to her because I tell her every day.  I thank God every day for blessing me with such a beautiful wife… both outside AND inside.

But this post was supposed to be about Man Math…

Men, to our core, are visual creatures and there’s nothing wrong with that… it’s the way we’re wired, programmed and unfortunately it seems to drive conversation once a few beers are consumed at local sports bars on their “free” nights.  Four large draught beers can lead to some pretty inane conversations.  What was a pretty deep conversation can turn south as fast as a random thought will allow it.  In this instance, we were talking about our childhoods, how we shaped out to who we are today and how we met our wives.

Then suddenly… we were coming up with a point system.  A point system with a scale of zero being the lowest and ten being the highest to rank our favorite physical qualities on the female form with which God apparently loved more because face it… women are the more attractive species.

Our favorite physical attributes (and what I’m sure to be the favorite physical attributes with most red blooded males) in no particular order: face, chest and rear.  While the face is clearly out there for the world to see and make judgments on… the other two attributes are hidden behind varying degrees of different clothing where only the shape of these meaty objects is seen.  For men, the idea of what’s behind the curtain will keep them up at night, give them fits of memory loss and the ability only to speak in sentence fragments.

It’s attraction at its most basic level.  It’s testosterone doing its job.

“How piggish and chauvinistic” you must be saying to yourself if you’re a woman who’s out of touch with reality.  If you’re a man… then you’re shrugging your shoulders saying “Uh… I plead the fifth.”

Now, if you’re giving up to ten points to three different body parts that would make a “score” of 30 as the highest an unknowing participant in our little game might obtain.  Some of the more recognizable females and their scores would be:

Janet Reno – 0 points

Richard Simmons – 1 point

Rumor Willis – 5 points

Kate Hudson – 10 points

Drew Barrymore – 19 points

Fergie – 22 points

Megan Fox – 27 points

Kim Kardashian – 30 points

Bunny – 30 points

Officially, this is the shallowest list on the planet because I’m strictly going off the physical attributes these women were born with… or added on later in some cases! 

But alas, despite the seemingly shallow nature of this post, there is a hidden message: BEWARE!  But beware of what?

Before you lose all hope with me… I want to let you know this list is strictly made from my initial attraction instinct.  Their “X” factor makes them undesirable.

“Well Chris,” you might say, “I’m ready to close this post down because you’ve righteously lost my respect and I’m reporting you to the authorities… but before I do… what’s the ‘X’ factor?”

Good question “Voice Of The Annoyed Female Reader”. 

The “X” factor takes away the physical attributes.  Quite simply the “X” factor is… attitude and personality.  This vastly changes the above list.  Without knowing most all of these people personally, I would assume based on what I hear through the media and from my friends in the business (Hey P. Diddy!)… the list might rearrange to something like the following (from worst to best and the reasons why):

Janet Reno (great personality still wouldn’t help)

Megan Fox (stuck on herself)

Kim Kardashian (dumb)

Richard Simmons (doesn’t know he’s a woman)

Kate Hudson (dated Alex Rodriguez)

Rumor Willis (must be nice to have Demi Moore as a mom and Bruce Willis as a dad… I’d be an actor too)

Fergie (peed herself during a concert)

Drew Barrymore (once flashed David Lettermanm, brilliant personality, sense of humor)

Bunny (no contest… Boudoir photographs, makes beautiful children, has curves for miles, priceless)

Quite a different list now!  I’m unashamed in saying who I think is beautiful physically but equally unashamed in admitting they probably have the intelligence of a post-it note and if it were possible… would marry themselves.

The good thing about what I have stated as my opinion here is exactly that: my opinion.  You may like girls that look like dudes in which case Janet Reno may be at the top of your list.  Or you may like girls who wear sparkle shorts in which case Richard Simmons would be at the top of your list.  You may have a different “three things” you look for physically! Maybe you like legs, eyes and armpits.  Or maybe you like stomachs, backs and knees.  Whatever your poison may be… my “30” may add up to be your “10”… just depends on your preference.

In closing, whether you want to believe it or not… we all (both men and women) play this game in some capacity.  We all may not add points in our head, but we all size up a person when we meet them.  Any straight man is going to look at any hint of cleavage when given the opportunity.  Sorority girls are going to fight for the attention of the football quarterback.  But the fact of the matter is if your wretched soul happens to be wrapped in a pretty package… you may find yourself back at “0” on the list that really counts!

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18 responses to “Man Math

  1. “…perhaps “cavemen”, “pigs” or “horn toads” would be better words to describe the male gender at these moments in time.”

    I disagree with this statement. I think it does a great injustice to the pigs and horn toads of the world.

    So very grateful that in God’s eyes I’m perfect and don’t have to live up to any man’s judgement of what I should look like. Although this post makes me feel really insecure, and sad for all the girls out there who will forever feel like they can never measure up. I gotta be honest. sigh.

    • Oh my lovely sister… that’s not the mood I was going for over this post. It was simply an illustration of the shallow nature of men and how we tend to judge purely on looks yet it’s not what’s on the outside that counts. There are those men though that see the beauty on the inside of a person which is what truly matters. Sorry to have made you feel insecure because you truly are one of the most beautiful people I know!

  2. dude you let out the secret of what men do in our man meetings from the bars! side note definatly right on the list but would add jennifer love hewett. ps you and bunny cute couple, you’re a lucky man…

  3. ps.. note for jenni we all feel insecure the the opposite sex. we all know we’re being judged byt the other to see if we are attractive to them… (secret coming here) men feel the same way when an attractive woman comes in the room hope that she see’s you and that she thinks your attractive too.. just sayin. we’re all in the same judgment boat.

  4. I see the point in the last couple of paragraphs, but in all honesty they are so overshadowed by the sheer enormity of shallowness of the beginning that I don’t think they carry a lot of weight…

    • Well… then I blame my inexperience at being able to convey what I was trying to say. It certainly wasn’t meant to upset the wide majority of my (5) readers… but take a lighthearted jab at the culture (of which I am an unfortunate guilty party) that tends to qualify worth with outward beauty rather than inward beauty and quality of character. While it’s always nice to look at outward beauty… that’s not what counts (yes… how cliche).

      While I may be guilty of some of this sub par male activity… I’m smart enough to realize that it is shallow and (to my detrement) I’m stupid enough to write about it!

      I love you sissy and appreciate you not holding back what you really feel of my post. You know I take it to heart and always value what you think of my writings.

      In closing… Kim Kardashian is hot even though she has the intelligence of a stapler, the spirituality of a chimichanga and emotions like that of a stuffed deer head. That’s all I was trying to say. Also… I’ll admit… Dave Ramsey is kind of cute.

  5. You’re a good man, Chris, and I love you.

  6. bottom line: everybody, who has eyeballs that work, looks at everybody. even though i am an overweight middle-aged woman i still will look at a woman who is fatter than me and think “god what a lard-ass. yay i’m not that fat!” or i will look at jacob in new moon and completely ignore the whole movie because i am paralyzed by his stunning beauty. (team jacob! woooh!). you have two lists: the physical, and ultimately less important, list happens first, (and you can have quite a lot of fun with that list), and then the supremely important personality list kicks in as soon as the object being viewed opens their mouth. so. if someone doesn’t want to get to know me because they looked at me and thought i was too fat to know – their big fat loss. lol. and if i ever talk to jacob (i forgot his real name, who cares) and he’s an asshole, oh well, he’s an asshole with an amazing, hot, drool-worthy bod. haha! but he’ll miss out on having ME as a really great friend.

  7. wow you really got ppl talkin this time chris… but i think really we all know our society is based on looks. and if ppl don’t like it they prove us wrong. most people find someone attractive and they go up to them to get to know them better, find out what they are like make a connection. if no connection there just a pretty face with nothing to offer. thats what datings for right? i hope that make since and helps clear things up and takes the heat off chris for saying a life observation… its a human thing.. we are just here living it as best we can.

  8. Chris. You’re dumb. You’re supposed to give your wife 31 points. EPIC FAIL!!!

    • Ah yes… How could I be so stupid. I AM an epic failure. 🙂

      • hahah i don’t think thats it. i don’t think most people understand human behavor to read the truth on observations that they don’t like. anyways i was a good blog reading what everyone thinks and you wrote it. i do it every day say the things people think but i don’t care i’ll say it.. good for you chris for your courage. don’t let it stop… freedom of speech and all that junk : )

  9. I object. My comment was not tongue-in-cheek! I honestly and without reservation believe this to be the stupidest post you have ever written. 🙂

    Love you, Chris…but it really is dumb.

    • Well… if we’re not being tongue-in-cheek anymore then allow me to make my statement. Thank you. You’re certainly entitled to your opinion and frankly if you can’t take a little light jab and get the underlying motive of the whole post then I’m sorry.

      Let me condense the underlying motive of the post in one simple sentance for you:

      “Real beauty is on the inside… what’s on the outside does not matter.”

      That’s all I was trying to say. So if you can’t get over all the superfluous fluff leading up to that then I don’t know what to say anymore.

  10. Chris – just got around to reading this post, been busy over the holidays, and . . . oh, hell – I haven’t been that busy, but I forgot, ok?

    Anyway, just wanted to weigh in – don’t let the bastards get you down, you’re doing a fine job with your blog, and this post was pretty harmless, IMO . . . actually, you really seemed to bend over backwards to make amends in anticipation of the inevitable shitstorm of protest. In fact, I think you could have been quite a bit more “piggish” and still made your point; that might have been considerably more fun for the reader, as well.

    Pam’s got the right attitude. Of course it’s shallow, but I believe that was your point, yes?

    P.S. Jacob from New Moon is arguably hotter than Kim Kardashian.

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