Man Math

Allow me to let all of you into the types of conversations that men have occasionally.  Or… perhaps “cavemen”, “pigs” or “horn toads” would be better words to describe the male gender at these moments in time.

But first… a few quick points:

I consider my wife and I in a unique situation because she’s completely comfortable with me talking to her about these kinds of things. I can tell her that Megan Fox is ultimately one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen and she won’t go into a jealous rage then eviscerate me using the nearest ball-point pen.

My ability to spot beauty on completely shallow level in members of the opposite gender… is exactly just that.  What I mean is that’s only as far as it goes.  I love my wife too much to stray.  I’ve never understood how a man could cheat on their wife!  The closest situation I’ve ever put myself in to cheat on Bunny… is occasionally in my dreams at night… and even there in the deep subconscious of my mind I’m unable to do so.  Being faithful is part of my DNA, it’s part of my make up, it’s just who I am.

I don’t want to paint a picture of a man without fault though.  I laid it out there for  the world to know several months ago in admitting a secret addiction I had that rocked our relationship for a time.  Seeing the disappointment in Bunny’s eyes after such an episode stirred my soul in such a way that I never wanted to put us in even a remotely similar situation again for the rest of my life.  For the first time in our relationship, I had a moment where I thought I might lose her… and it scared me.

Bunny knows I’m extremely attracted to her because I tell her every day.  I thank God every day for blessing me with such a beautiful wife… both outside AND inside.

But this post was supposed to be about Man Math…

Men, to our core, are visual creatures and there’s nothing wrong with that… it’s the way we’re wired, programmed and unfortunately it seems to drive conversation once a few beers are consumed at local sports bars on their “free” nights.  Four large draught beers can lead to some pretty inane conversations.  What was a pretty deep conversation can turn south as fast as a random thought will allow it.  In this instance, we were talking about our childhoods, how we shaped out to who we are today and how we met our wives.

Then suddenly… we were coming up with a point system.  A point system with a scale of zero being the lowest and ten being the highest to rank our favorite physical qualities on the female form with which God apparently loved more because face it… women are the more attractive species.

Our favorite physical attributes (and what I’m sure to be the favorite physical attributes with most red blooded males) in no particular order: face, chest and rear.  While the face is clearly out there for the world to see and make judgments on… the other two attributes are hidden behind varying degrees of different clothing where only the shape of these meaty objects is seen.  For men, the idea of what’s behind the curtain will keep them up at night, give them fits of memory loss and the ability only to speak in sentence fragments.

It’s attraction at its most basic level.  It’s testosterone doing its job.

“How piggish and chauvinistic” you must be saying to yourself if you’re a woman who’s out of touch with reality.  If you’re a man… then you’re shrugging your shoulders saying “Uh… I plead the fifth.”

Now, if you’re giving up to ten points to three different body parts that would make a “score” of 30 as the highest an unknowing participant in our little game might obtain.  Some of the more recognizable females and their scores would be:

Janet Reno – 0 points

Richard Simmons – 1 point

Rumor Willis – 5 points

Kate Hudson – 10 points

Drew Barrymore – 19 points

Fergie – 22 points

Megan Fox – 27 points

Kim Kardashian – 30 points

Bunny – 30 points

Officially, this is the shallowest list on the planet because I’m strictly going off the physical attributes these women were born with… or added on later in some cases! 

But alas, despite the seemingly shallow nature of this post, there is a hidden message: BEWARE!  But beware of what?

Before you lose all hope with me… I want to let you know this list is strictly made from my initial attraction instinct.  Their “X” factor makes them undesirable.

“Well Chris,” you might say, “I’m ready to close this post down because you’ve righteously lost my respect and I’m reporting you to the authorities… but before I do… what’s the ‘X’ factor?”

Good question “Voice Of The Annoyed Female Reader”. 

The “X” factor takes away the physical attributes.  Quite simply the “X” factor is… attitude and personality.  This vastly changes the above list.  Without knowing most all of these people personally, I would assume based on what I hear through the media and from my friends in the business (Hey P. Diddy!)… the list might rearrange to something like the following (from worst to best and the reasons why):

Janet Reno (great personality still wouldn’t help)

Megan Fox (stuck on herself)

Kim Kardashian (dumb)

Richard Simmons (doesn’t know he’s a woman)

Kate Hudson (dated Alex Rodriguez)

Rumor Willis (must be nice to have Demi Moore as a mom and Bruce Willis as a dad… I’d be an actor too)

Fergie (peed herself during a concert)

Drew Barrymore (once flashed David Lettermanm, brilliant personality, sense of humor)

Bunny (no contest… Boudoir photographs, makes beautiful children, has curves for miles, priceless)

Quite a different list now!  I’m unashamed in saying who I think is beautiful physically but equally unashamed in admitting they probably have the intelligence of a post-it note and if it were possible… would marry themselves.

The good thing about what I have stated as my opinion here is exactly that: my opinion.  You may like girls that look like dudes in which case Janet Reno may be at the top of your list.  Or you may like girls who wear sparkle shorts in which case Richard Simmons would be at the top of your list.  You may have a different “three things” you look for physically! Maybe you like legs, eyes and armpits.  Or maybe you like stomachs, backs and knees.  Whatever your poison may be… my “30” may add up to be your “10”… just depends on your preference.

In closing, whether you want to believe it or not… we all (both men and women) play this game in some capacity.  We all may not add points in our head, but we all size up a person when we meet them.  Any straight man is going to look at any hint of cleavage when given the opportunity.  Sorority girls are going to fight for the attention of the football quarterback.  But the fact of the matter is if your wretched soul happens to be wrapped in a pretty package… you may find yourself back at “0” on the list that really counts!