If I Were Superman…


With a lack of nothing better to talk about…

“Hi!  I’m a dork!”

I would fly around on my back instead of my stomach.

I’d never lose an argument.

I could have ice cream whenever I wanted.

I would break all the records in “The Guinness Book of World Records” so they could change the name to “Superman’s Accomplishments”.

I would pee a hole in the wall.

I’d wear my red underwear inside my pants.

I would stop a bullet with my eyeball (like in the movie).

I would stop a cannonball with my eyeball.

I would stop a missile with my eyeball.

I would see how long I could leave my eye open while hanging out the window of a moving car until it started to water up.

I’d station my headquarters on the moon.

I’d crash any party I wanted to.

I’d try to pet a cat and accidentally smash it because I was so strong.

I’d play soccer and when I’d kick the ball… it would disintegrate.

I’d sneeze in a restaurant and everyone would suffer a massive concussion.

I would chop down trees with my laser eyes.

When I’d clear my throat… people would go deaf.

I’d explore the center of the Earth… but would be really lonely.

I’d charge people to have me fly them around.

I’d have to get an assistant to keep my social networking sites updated for me… because I would accidentally smash every keyboard I typed on.

I’d eat a hamburger with my mind.

I’d swallow the entire Pacific Ocean.

I’d become hugely obese then anorexic in a 24 hour period of time.

I’d travel back in time and bring back a dinosaur.

I’d make the sun my bitch.

I could do the splits.

What would you do?

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4 responses to “If I Were Superman…

  1. oh my word dude.. u are hilarious, the randomness and crazy from your mind is awesome. i love the line ‘change guinness book to supermans accomplishments’ sooo funny. i would spin cd’s on my finger and use my lazer eyes to play them. maybe even take a job at the airport as the new x-ray machine..

  2. My favorite:
    “I would see how long I could leave my eye open while hanging out the window of a moving car until it started to water up.”

  3. Mollien (Mom) Koenig

    If I were Supey-Doopy Man’s wife, I would cut off that goofy curl (when he was asleep of course…oh wait, that’s another story).

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