If you’re like a lot people… you find it hard to make it to the gym every day. Maybe you had to work late. Maybe you had to meet a client after normal working hours. Maybe you ran over a homeless man in your car. Maybe you couldn’t wait any longer to get that sex change operation. Maybe you think your gym is ground zero for the next meteor shower. Maybe you urinated in your big boy pants. Maybe you can’t afford those high priced “at-home gyms”!
Believe it or not… this one folds up nicely and can be placed in your garage. You’ll only have to give up TWO parking spaces!
Or maybe you can’t afford to have this chick to scream at you all the time…
Jillian Michaels tells a Biggest Loser contestant to slim down or she will punch her in the neck… or necks…
Whatever the reason… here are some simple exercises you can do at home to get yourself that body you always wanted… and you don’t have to spend ANY MONEY!!!
BUT FIRST… ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO STRETCH
Touch your toes
Jog in place
Pull your face back
Rip your sc0tum doing the splits
NOW THAT YOU’RE WARM, AND YOUR SCROTUM IS FOREVER TORN IN TWO… YOU’RE READY TO BEGIN
Push-ups (works your chest, biceps, triceps)
Push yourself up… then let yourself down. Repeat 300 times.
Sit-ups (works your abs)
Sit on the floor with you hands behind your head. Lower yourself to the floor using your abs then back up again. Repeat 5000 times.
Triceps Extension w/ Dog (triceps)
Find a small dog (or one you’re able to life above your head), grab in by the front legs and lower behind your head. Slowly extend the dog over your head and sqeeeeeeeeze those triceps. Feel the burn. Repeat 800 times.
Bench Press with Pillows (chest)
Find the largest pillow on your couch and press it until you see stars. If you accidentally drop it on your face it won’t hurt… because it’s a pillow.
Tear a phonebook in half (wrists, forearms)
Tear the largest, fattest phone book you can find IN HALF!!!
… but if you can’t… then find something you’re more capable of tearing in half… like a page from your wife’s day by day calendar.
Blink Hard (eyelids)
Open your eyes as wide as you can… then shut them really hard and fast. This will help you become lightening fast at blinking. Repeat until you cry.
Smell Hard (nose)
Suck in with your nose so hard that you pass out. Then get up and do it again you big pansy.
Couch press (Quads)
Put one end of the couch on your back then slowly squat to the ground and lift yourself back up again. Repeat until you crap your pants.
WARNING: THIS EXERCISE IS DANGEROUS AND COULD RESULT IN YOU GETTING SMASHED!! PLEASE EXERCISE WITH CAUTION!!
Ride your cat (hamstrings, grip)
Ride that buckin’ feline until it splits your face in half.
Once you’re done with these excercises and you heart rate is going at a good steady pace (200-250 beats a minute)… it’s always good to cool down. This can be done by putting your hands over your head and walking around for a little bit…
Whew… good workout people…
Or by sticking your ass in the freezer.
This is the part you look forward to for the whole workout people.
Follow these simple excercises with these EVERYDAY ITEMS you have around your house… and with hard work and good genetics… you could just look like me!
Happy excercise everyone!!