Starring: Emily Browning, Elizabeth Banks, David Strathairn, Scary Crap
Total Running Time: 87 minutes
After watching the latest “Real World” episode on DVR with my Real-World-junkie wife last night, we happened upon “The Uninvited” on one of the movie channels we shell good money for… yet hardly watch. We were sans the first couple of minutes… but I’ve seen plenty of movies like this in my time.
If you’ve seen “The Grudge” (FREAKIN’ SCARY), any M. Night Shamalomadingdong movie (Signs, Sixth Sense, Unbreakable), “Scream” (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10) or “The Others” (also known as The Sixth Sense… only not) then you know there’s got to be a twist at the end!
I’m usually pretty good at figuring these movies out halfway through. This leads Bunny to think I’m some sort of Zen Master or something. Truth is… it’s hard to trick someone when they’ve seen all the tricks before.
This movie was no different.
The movie deals with two sisters trying to put the past behind them as their bedridden mom was accidentally killed when the house blew up. Oops. But accidents happen right? Unfortunately for them, their dad quickly moves on with the nurse who took care of their mom RIGHT BEFORE SHE BLEW UP!!!
See the plot line thickening?
Come to find out… the nurse isn’t who she really says she is but…. HOLY SHIT!!! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!
Ha… got you. You thought some zombie was about to stab you in the neck with a syringe full of air didn’t you. You didn’t? Okay then… moving on.
Elizabeth Banks is the nurse/future step mother who seems to be out to claim what’s hers… no matter what gets in her way! I love Elizabeth Banks. She’s an excellent actress… but I’m not sure horror movies are her game. I didn’t think the match-up between her and Steven (actor David Strathairn, the cheating sonofabitch dad) was all the believable. I mean… he’s old. She’s young and cute. How does that work out? I envision her in movies like “The 40 Year Old Virgin” and “Role Models” when she was funny… I don’t like her serious and scary.
Better funny… not spooky
While Elizabeth Banks was the most recognizable actress in this movie, I found myself drawn to the lead, Emily Browning who plays Anna, the youngest daughter who’s dealt with her mothers death by means of a trip to the mental ward… and now she’s seeing ghosts and shit. Aside from the common plotline… I found myself drawn to her in a way other than her acting ability but I couldn’t figure out why.
Eventually Bunny pinpointed it, “She’s got great lips doesn’t she?”
Suddenly I felt as though the scales fell from my eyes and I was staring at the most perfect pair of puckers I’d ever seen! “Why, yes they are!” I said. “They’re… beautiful… so… beautiful.”
I… am… hypnotized…
While the rest of her face was “eh… okay”, it was her lips that were incredible! When she talked they were like two giant flesh-colored, jelly-filled croissants slapping together. This made watching the movie all that more enjoyable.
Every scene that took away from “lip time” had me craving more and more lips.
I could put my entire DVD collection in those…
The other sister, Alex (actress Arielle Kebbel), didn’t have near as nice of lips. This made me question the casting director’s decisions on who to cast for this movie because I would think you’d obviously want to create some semblance of uniformity in the family with these “genetically superior lips”. If the uniformity was to take place… the whole family would have to have lips as incredible as those the lead so proudly purses throughout the movie.
Far, far less superior lips
The movie ended with the typical twist I was expecting, i.e. “Oh… you’re a ghost. I’m crazy. She’s not a loon. I am. What the F did all those scary visions have to do with anything other than make the audience jump? Wait, I still have unanswered questions. And finally… my lips are awesome.”
The Uninvited, on a scale of other horror movies of its kind, gets a paltry 1 out of 5 pencil thin lips.
On the other hand… if I were to rate Emily Browning’s lips in the movie… I’d have to give them five out of five pencil thin lips.
That adds up to a total of 3 out of 5 full luscious lips over the course of the whole movie.
Those lips saved this movie. Those lips should win an Oscar for their performance.