NEWSFLASH: Gorilla Loose In City


A large silverback Gorilla named “Gatorade” escaped from the Oklahoma City zoo early Saturday morning.

Gatorade never liked being confined to a cage

Gatorade orchestrated his escape in a fairly unconventional method. 

As Camilla Andrews, an employee of the zoo, entered Gatorade’s cage, he appeared to be sleeping along with the other gorillas.  The zookeeper laid down his food in the corner as she did every morning.  When she turned around, Gatorade was eye level with her.

An eyewitness says that Gatorade handed Andrews what appeared to be a small palm tree fashioned from his own feces.  Before Andrews could visibly thank Gatorade, she was attacked from behind by Gatorade’s mate: a gorilla named “Sags”.  It is now obvious that the feces palm tree was a distraction.

Sags “hangin’ out”

Sags had apparently fashioned a machete out of her own feces and used it to chop off Andrews face. 

Now faceless, Andrews was unable to see Gatorade, Sags and the three other gorillas: an albino male named “Powder”, a female named “Liza Minelli” and their gorilla baby named “Fresca”, exit the holding cage and start running for the zoo exit.

Security was called and efforts were made to contain the gorillas within the confines of the zoo.

Three zoo security officers were shot with what are now confirmed to be feces bullets coming from a feces gun, both fashioned from what is assumed to be the collective feces of their cage.

All three officers were pronounced dead at the scene.

Tranquilizer darts were powerless against the gorillas as it also appeared the gorillas had made full body armor from their feces making a tranquilizer dart unable to penetrate the gorilla’s skin.

Faced with a sudden depletion of men due to death by feces bullets, security called their lesser known companions: the zoo ninjas.

Did I mention… the zoo ninjas were Chris Farley ninja clones?

Before all the gorillas were able to escape, the zoo ninjas were able to subdue Sags, Powder, Liza Minelli and Fresca with a series of roundhouse kicks, karate chops and throwing stars.

Unfortunately, Gatorade was unable to be brought back in.  He made it all the way to a highway overpass with the ninjas in tow, but jumped off the overpass onto the trailer of passing semi and escaped.

———————————————

Gatorade is roughly five feet, six inches tall when standing straight up but usually travels slightly hunched over.  He has black hair and brown eyes.  Last time he was seen he was wearing feces body armor but is believed he dumped it (no pun intended) upon his escape.  He isn’t known to wear clothes and travels with just his body hair which is mostly black except for his back, which is silver.  He is armed with feces weapons and is VERY dangerous so do not approach him or try to pet him if you do see him.

His favorite food is bananas.

His favorite toy is a stuffed kitty cat.

It is believed that Gatorade is somewhere in the Oklahoma City area but has family at the Dallas zoo so it is possible he may be traveling down I-35 to reach his family. 

Do not pick up any hitchhikers that appear to be gorillas.

Please use caution when picking up hitchhikers…

We’ll keep you up to date on the latest developments.

If you spot Gatorade please call our hotline: 1-800-96FECES.

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3 responses to “NEWSFLASH: Gorilla Loose In City

  1. LOL!You have lost your mind and im so glad your documenting it and we can all witness it. So hilarious!!

  2. Mollien (Mom) Koenig

    Okay, I laughed out loud (oh excuse me, I mean LOL)oh-minny times. You know what this reminds me of? All your insane warrior myths you made up (and yes, Mandal, they are all documented, so we shouldn’t have any trouble having him commited at some point)

    Anyway, I’ll be on the outlook for Mr.Gatorade. Actually, I think he’s in the backyard right now fertilizing the lawn with his armor.

  3. Mama K – you crack me up!! You definately play along well with your boy. Your daughter’s got a nice blog too!

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