Just Wanted To Keep You Abreast Of A Way We Can All Unite As One People

What’s one thing that atheists, Christians, evolutionists, creationists, gays, straights, different races, giants, midgets, mutants, humans, terrorists and freedom fighters can all agree on? 

Well… it’s that boobs are incredibly awesome.

Quite literally where my mind was at the time…

I know I’ve talked about this before but it is one of the easier things for me to write about because they are so close to my heart… and hopefully my face later tonight if I’m lucky.

As I’ve mentioned before, when I first met Bunny, my eyes weren’t drawn to her hair, her high cheekbones, her incredibly sharp jaw line or her beautiful green eyes.  My mind was racing at the possibility of one day actually being able to cliff-dive into the plunging neckline of the white tank top she was wearing that night.  I was forced to whisper to myself not to “look down there” for fear of getting caught and denied of ever being caught in her headlights.

“Okay… she’s looking at the camera!  QUICK GLANCE!  Man… hope the camera didn’t catch that!” I thought.

This brings me to a quick question: “What is it that is so fascinating about these mammary gland duos?” 

I’d be interested in hearing your theories.

If you think about it… they’re really nothing more than two sacks of flesh filled with a varying degrees of  fat, muscle, veins, glands and milk (depending on the situation) that tastes like its been diluted with tap water.  It’s great for helping make chocolate chip cookies though.  Just ask my sister.

Thus concludes the most unattractive description of boobs ever written.

I suppose the reason they’re so fascinating is that they aren’t revealed so easily.  If everyone started leaving their nether regions exposed while covering up their hands, feet and face then all teenage boys would eventually be clamoring to catch a glimpse of Pamela Anderson’s bare forehead in the newest issue of “Sexy Forehead Magazine”. 

Whoa… you better put that cosmetically enhanced forehead away before you put someone’s eyes out!

Victoria’s Secret would carry their newest line of sleek, sexy socks with underwire push-up for your hammertoes or ankles.

These are “The Miracle Ankle  – by Victoria”.  Notice the underwire under the ankle that enhances the ankle, creates more ankle cleavage and makes the ankle look bigger than it actually is.

Cinemax would replace all their late night programming with storylines centered around getting the characters to shake hands… without their gloves on!

It’s time to make a mocha handshake…

That seems like a reasonable explanation to me.

Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that boobs are a pretty universal symbol of something that EVERYONE in the world is fond of, correct?  If this is so, then is it so hard to believe that our world can’t get along?  Despite our differences in religion, politics, race, orientation and world views… why can’t we arrive at some sort of peace in the realization that we all like b00bs?

Does Fidel Castro (I think he’s dead… but that’s besides the point) have weapons of mass destruction?  I don’t know… but I know he likes boobs.  So he and I are bro’s now… in a very very very very incredibly small way.  But hey, it’s something.

Does Richard Dawkins have completely skewed views on how our human race came to be?  Yes… but he likes (monkey) b00bs too!  I could give him a fist pump for that.  Then I’d punch him in his old British face.

Richard Dawkins will tell you that boobs came from an evolutionary need for sustenance… I’ll just put him into a banana outfit and throw him in a ring with hungry silverback gorillas!!  Yeah… take that Richard Dawkins… let’s see if your “science” can prove me wrong there!! HAHAHA!!  Also… did you just *pop* you head out of that sweater-shirt thing?   Because it kind of looks like it…

Does Tom Cruise annoy everyone?  Most definitely.  But I’m willing to bet he likes boobs too because he’s been married to Nicole Kidman, dated Penelope Cruz and is currently married to Katie Holmes (notice they’re all women with b00bs).  I’ll give him a high-five for our one similarity right before kneeing him in the groin.

Does Richard Simmons make you want to jump in a vat of steaming hot maple syrup?  Sure, but I’m willing to bet that he likes b00bs because….. well… because…. uh….

Okay… maybe he’s the exception.  Off with his head.

Now, I’m not saying we should resort to walking around topless all the time, but I’m saying we should consider it.  Wait… that’s not what I meant to say!

Let me start over: I’m not saying we should resort to walking around topless all the time, but in a world where we’re bombing our neighboring countries because they’re different or because they did something bad or because they said something threatening, shouldn’t we be saying “Do you like b00bs brother?”  99.95% percent of the time, the answer will be “yes”.  Then you have something in common… and something to build on.

So I now hoist my flag for a new world revolution!  An Earth where, despite our differences, we all know that peace comes in knowing we share one common bond.  A day and age where countries can once again be united!  A world where estranged brothers can once again be together!  A world where peace lies in knowing when everything else fails… there’s always a universal love of boobies.

I will raise my flag and fly in proudly.

Copyright of “Hands To War”… feel free to borrow it… but don’t claim that you made it up…

WHO’S WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


6 responses to “Just Wanted To Keep You Abreast Of A Way We Can All Unite As One People

  1. boobies! ahhah dude i agree. plus where else can you motor boat and never leave shore. haahha

  2. Mollien (Mom) Koenig

    Well…it’s an idea (I started to say a “good” idea) but I doubt seriously that the folks at the United Nations would be…well..serious…
    about it. I mean, I can’t really see Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan,or China publishing manifestos on the Boob Factor. BUT..
    if the UN does HAPPEN to ask you to speak on the subject, I suggest that you let Bunny “do the talking”; she wouldn’t need an interpreter.

  3. Mollien (Mom) Koenig

    And oh, btw, that photo of Richard Simmons is truly frightening.

  4. Sure, litter the post with great boob references, then throw in Richard Simmons? What the hell are you trying to pull Chris?

    I too am a boob loving guy. Proudly.

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