NEWSFLASH: Man Who Gave Up Breathing Dies

Quick note: I’m Catholic so this story is in no way meant to make Catholics look silly… it just fit with the story


Thomas R. Lipsofglass of Hollywood, CA died Tuesday after a massive lapse in judgment.

Mr. Lipsofglass, a practicing Catholic, decided that for the 40 day penance period known as “Lent” he would give up what was most precious for him to survive: air.

He was found by the mailman who was ordered every day by Thomas to throw his mail to him like a Frisbee so he could catch it with his teeth.  When Thomas didn’t answer the door, the mailman knew something was wrong.

Fr. James T. Kirk of St. Monica’s, the church Mr. Lipsofglass attended, had this to say, “Usually, people want to give up sugar, soda, television or something else they find themselves remotely addicted to as a means to offer it up in remembrance of Jesus’ suffering on the cross.  The church never preaches to give up something as vital to living as oxygen!  Mr. Lipsofglass will be greatly missed as he was one of our more active members… but I honestly don’t know how he thought he would be able to live without breathing for 40 days.”

The last known picture of Thomas actually shows him holding his breath

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the longest anyone has been able to hold their breath is 7 minutes.  40 days would shatter the previous record.

Friends say Thomas’ unusually quirky nature was nothing they thought would ultimately lead to his demise.

Margerie Mayonnaise is the secretary for the church.  She says about Thomas’ demeanor: “He once asked me if it might be possible to bring Darth Vader back to life.  When I told him Star Wars was just a movie, he said ‘You look like an apple turnover from Arby’s.’  I thought that was a little strange.” 


Similarities?  I think not.

Hank Hound is a parishioner who volunteers his free time by keeping the gardens of the church well kept.  He worked with Thomas at times and had this to say: “Thomas was always eager to help me when I needed help.  Although, I thought it was kind of odd that he liked to eat birdseed and stick his head in topsoil while saying, ‘Look!  I’m Big Bird!’  He’ll be greatly missed.”

Known as a loner, Thomas lived by himself over the exhaust vent of a paint manufacturing facility in the lower valley.  It’s believed that the years of breathing paint might have resulted in some of his quirkiness.

Thomas was 34 years old and is survived by a tiny paint chip family he created by scratching paint chips from the walls of his house then molding them into little people.


4 responses to “NEWSFLASH: Man Who Gave Up Breathing Dies

  1. Hilarious! By the way, you could have used any number of denominations to represent Mr. Lipsofglass…Catholics are not the only ones to celebrate Lent.

  2. Hi-freakin-larious! I love it. I get scoffed at sometimes for my refusal to give up sweets for Lent. I enjoy them, but I don’t think that’s my ideal sacrifice, for Pete’s sake. They just don’t mean enough to me. Air, though, sheesh. That’s got to be at LEAST an hour off Purgatory. 😉 (Who says Catholics don’t have a sense of humor?!)

  3. Mollien (Mom) Koenig

    It’s a good thing I didn’t have a mouth full of food when I came to the part about Ms.Mayonaise or I would have spewed it all over the screen. Where DO you come up with this stuff? Never mind; I know all too well. Anyway, just for the record, she looks nothing like an apple turnover, from Arby’s or anywhere else. Small comfort for Mr.Lipsofglass.

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