Who Wants To See My Junk?

No you perv… I’m not talking about my testicles!!  You think I’m some kind of freakin’ freak?  I’m talking about all the junk cleverly hidden all throughout our house!

Weirdo.  What kind of blog do you think I’m running here?

Anyway, back before DLG was born, Bunny and I decided to clean out each and every nook and cranny of our house in preparation for the arrival of our little one.  We meticulously scoured every room, every closet, every drawer and every cabinet of our house and successfully gathered enough crap to acquire $350 worth of cash at our garage sale.

That was almost two years ago.

We need another one.

How does this happen?  We’re not particularly “rich folk” that squander our money on golden shoelaces and diamond-rimmed Styrofoam cups.  We buy block cheese… only them “rich folk” can afford that “shredded kind”.  We don’t buy “Post-It Notes”… we buy “Post ‘Em Notes”, the bastard child of the “Post” family.

You’ll know you’ve “made it” when you can afford this stuff on a regular basis.  Us normal folk have to shred it ourselves.

Yes somehow we manage to accumulate “stuff”.  While it may not appear if you walked into our house that we were particularly cluttered (and we’re not), then you haven’t opened a closet door, a drawer or gotten brave enough to look in our attic (God save us all).  In fact I don’t know if “accumulate” is the correct word… we “absorb” stuff… kind of like “The Blob”.

I sure am using quotations a lot in this post… kinda like Chris Farley… loved him…

Gone far too soon…

Anyway… we absorb things because while it outwardly may seem we’re pretty clean people we actually just do a very good job of keeping things out of sight and consequently… out of mind.

Kind of like the booger I just wiped into the deep inner recesses of our couch.

One of the things on my “to do” list this summer is to clean out my attic:

An unassuming door, the tip of the iceberg, the whole kit and kaboodle

If you don’t hear from me in several days… I’ve been eaten by the giant rats and spiders that have procreated in this virtual megatropolis for the vermin I can only most closely relate to the spawn of the devil.

Wish me luck.  I’m goin’ in (some day).


4 responses to “Who Wants To See My Junk?

  1. OH mercy I hear you. Throw in 12X the amount of children, and HOMESCHOOLING and you’ve got yourself some hideous clutter. Yikes. Life would be so much cleaner without school, let me tell you. Good luck with the attic; you can do it! Maybe you’ll unearth some forgotten treasure amidst the rat poo.

  2. Mollien (Mom) Koenig

    And when you’re done, come over here.

    My theory is that “things” (inanimate objects)actually have the ability to procreate. YES THEY DO! UH-HUHHHHH!So if you leave just one of something (they don’t need two), it will multiply. And there you are…starting all over again. Mercy Me is right. we’re doomed.

  3. You’re too funny man. Love the Chris Farley quote fingers.

    And we too eateth from the block-o-cheese.

  4. I laughed out loud at the ‘Post-Em Notes’ being the bastard child of Post-It Notes’. It’s amazing how much MORE stuff you accumulate with a kid – especially if you’re planning on having more than one. Gotta keep everything – just in case. I just organized a majority of bins of River’s old clothes. It’s INSANE how much there is!! And she’s only 3!!

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