Let Go

If you’re a new reader of mine… you know I’m a ball of stress A-L-O-T.  I’ve even been officially diagnosed with a (sometimes) seemingly overwhelmingly crippling form of OCD.

Before I became a father… I had more humorous form of the OCD condition i.e. checking locks on the door incessantly before bed, checking and re-checking to make sure everything was off before leaving the house, having to drive back home to make sure the garage door was not left open, etc. etc. etc.

When a baby human… not just any baby human… MY BABY HUMAN was added to the mix my condition mutated into a much more horrifying thought process that dragged my mind to the pits of despair and back again… continually.

I never knew depression. 

I never knew anxiety. 

I know them very well now.

I want to protect my little girl and ensure the safety of her soul, mind and body.  I want a signed document delivered to me that DLG will leave this Earth as a 100-year-old woman destined for the biggest castle in heaven while leaving a legacy of love behind her affecting the lives of millions.

I know that document will never come.

And therein lies the problem with my OCD condition.

I’ll never know the answer to every question.  I’ll never know the end to every story.  I’ll never be able to figure out every problem.

And it drives me fucking nuts.

DLG doesn’t understand what I’m going through and when I’m going through it I don’t let her know.  I play and roll around with her, I tickle her and throw her in the air, I smash play-do and color with markers despite the fact I may have a sad look hidden behind my eyes.  She knows me as the same daddy regardless of what emotions I may be going through… and that’s the way it’s always going to be.

During a recent struggle of mine, I was snuggling with DLG during our night-time ritual of bedtime stories, prayers and singing songs.  While rocking her and worrying enlessly admidst some of her aimless blather she so commonly displays on her way to dreams of helium balloons and pools full of books she looked up at me and said this: “Let go. Let go.” 

There’s no way she knew that what she was saying might have tied into what I was feeling… but it did.

It’s not even that what she said wasn’t something that was especially new to my thought process.  But coming from her, the one of whom I worry about incessantly, was all the more real.

Her four words told me this: I need to realize there’s only certain things I can control and the rest I need to rest in the hands of God.  Worry and stress that lead to depression and anxiety does not prevent whatever your worried about from happening.

Can a meteor fall from space, smash through my house and reduce us all to smithereens?  Yes.  Does it help to worry about it?  No.

This was an example… I don’t worry about meteors smashing us to bits.  I’m sure there are probably those out there that do.

DLG’s demeanor, occupation, marriage partner and even her fate were written long before the Earth was much more than a glimmer in the eye of God.  I, unfortunately, have no control over this.

What I do have control of is this: LOVE.  There is not a day that goes by where I don’t hug and kiss her and tell her I love her at least 100 times.  I feel as though I’m especially called to do this.  Love evolves into many other thing i.e. a responsibility to take care of yourself, take care of others and treat your fellow man as you wish to be treated. 

Every day that goes by, she grows a little more independent.  One day, A LOOOOOOOOOONG time from now, she’ll be completely independent from me and her mother and the one thing I’ll be able to control at that point is just loving her unconditionally, trusting that I raised her well… and letting go.

Sounds a little like Someone else doesn’t it?

I never knew love until I knew them


13 responses to “Let Go

  1. wow. i don’t know what else to say but wow. i think this was one of ur most powerful blog to date. dude i dont think u really know the inner strengh u have in side ur self and the impression u have on others and ur family. wow again to an amazing blog.

  2. Depression is scary thing, but luckily you still hold God as your center. This will be your saving grace. Also, I know I’ve told you this… but your wife and dear girl child are GORGEOUS! From what you wrote they are lucky to have you because you love them so much.

  3. Very powerful writing, Chris.

    Have you read, “The Road Less Traveled” by Scott Peck? If you have not, get it immediately and read it. It’s an amazing culmination of personal and spiritual growth, and how our own growth relates to raising our children.

    I’m re-reading, but if you want to borrow when I’m done, let me know.

  4. Letting go is the hardest thing for me. I take this to Confession on a regular basis. I know I need to put it in God’s hands, but he anxiety and worrying get to me A LOT.

    I completely understand where you’re coming from worrying about DLG. My upbringing was pretty screwed up (alcoholic father, divorce, living across 2 states, early sex, you name it). I am constantly worrying if I am doing a “good enough” job that my kids don’t go through the same crap. To anyone looking from the outside, this of course seems unrational. My kids are growing up in a far better situation than I could have ever dreamed of and are surrouned by love. Still, I let the worrying get me.

    You’ve got a wise little girl there. 🙂

  5. Amen, brother. I mean, son. This is a very wonderful post. I can just imagine DLG looking into your eyes, with her own blue laser beams, and saying “let go”. Simple, but profound. God always uses his most innocent creations to deliver some BIG moments. This was one of them. Heed it.

  6. I just reread this and caught something: you said the word “unfortunately” …in that you couldn’t control all the aspects of DLG’s life. Uh uh…no..that’s monumentally FORTUNATE. You would make a really, really scary God. FORTUNATELY, we don’t have to worry about that (but we love you just as you are..hehe).

  7. Haha! I was JUST going to say the same thing Mom did. Great minds think alike. ;o)

    This whole post is so full of truth. It’s something that we know intellectually but I’m not sure we will ever really, truly get into our hearts until we are made perfect in Heaven. When we finally “know as we are known” then we’ll be able to see how perfect His plan always has been. Until then, we struggle. More or less at times, but always, there it is.

  8. This is a great post. I sort of know how you feel because I’ve had my young niece and nephew live with me since they were born. They aren’t my kids but I couldn’t love them more if they were and yes, I worry all the time about them. I also try to spend as much time with them as I can. I’m getting to that point where I know there are things I can’t control but at the time that doesn’t really stop me from worrying.

  9. “Let go.”

    It’s so difficult to do, isn’t it?

  10. Excellent post brother. I hope you are feeling better about things in general very soon. sounds like you are and that DLG is helping in those regards.

  11. Stephanie Scott

    I can’t relate as a parent, but I can as a daughter. And I just want you to remember that while God does help us through everything, at times, mental illness needs more help than prayer. The best thing you can do for your family is to keep an eye on it, ask your closest family and friends to help you, and seek help if necessary. I lived with a mom who was embarrassed and afraid to seek help and her road was longer than it had to be. Don’t let that happen to your family. We’re doing well now, but only because we talk about these things–like you are–we add tangible solutions to our plans with prayer, and we aren’t buying into any stigma. Best to you.

  12. I love it when God speaks to us through our children. Priceless!

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