How To Become A Trophy Husband


Here at Hands To War… I’m all about helping my fellow man because let’s face it dudes… sometimes we’re pretty moronic.  Also, our attention span lasts about as long as it takes Liza Minnelli to suck a human face from whence it came.

 

Moments before she swallowed David Gest’s entire face…

Additionally, if you’re a guy, you’re not reading this right now because you’re busy looking at these:

Yes… it is a cartoon drawing of boobs… that’s besides the point.  Remember as a wise man once said, “Cleavage is likes the sun… you’re not supposed to stare directly into it.” 

So anyway… here are a few PRICELESS things you can do that will skyrocket you to “Trophy Husband” status.

WARNING: I’m not saying it WILL happen if you do (most of) these things… but will merely increases your chances. 

DUST THE HOUSE

Don’t hate.  Bunny had to wear it when she cleaned the house… now I have to.  What’s that?  Yes… I have no shame.

BUY HER UGGS

Men… you will never know how expensive these are until you’re asked to buy them for your wife.  If she comes home with a pair… don’t ask!

WATCH HER MOVIE OR SHOW

Like “Nights In Rodanthe”… where you undoubtedly have to endure scenes like this:

Geez… get a room… oh wait…
 
Anything is game in regards to movies or TV if you wanna be a trophy husband… but you will be called to hand in your Man Card if you’re caught watching this movie:
 
 
There has to be some boundaries.

TAKE A BULLET FOR HER

You could get some wristlets like Wonder Woman.  With enough practice… you just might not get shot in the testicles.

WRITE HER NAME ON THE MOON

Oh man… this is so going to get me some action…

 

AND THEN… THERE ARE THESE SUREFIRE WAY TO HANG GLIDE FROM 3000 FEET INTO A GRAVEL ROADWAY WITH NOTHING TO SLOW YOU DOWN EXCEPT THE LIMITED AMOUNT OF SKIN ON YOUR FACE (TAKE NOTES GUYS)!!

 

PEEING ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR

This is also a good way to get your ass kicked out.

EATING YOUR SCABS (AT LEAST IN FRONT OF HER)

Ah yes… just about ripe enough…. I mean… SICK!!!

STARING AT ANOTHER WOMAN’S CLEAVAGE

DON’T LOOK!! DON’T LOOK!! AAHHHHHHHHAAHHHHH YOU LOOKED!!!!

PICKING A FIGHT WITH A LADYBUG

VS.

You’re not going to impress anyone beating up a ladybug.  Pick on someone your own size if you want to impress your woman.  Something bigger like a mountain lion or Edward James Olmos…

VS.

Now that’s probably a little more fair…

STARING TOO LONG AT A VICTORIA’S SECRET COMMERCIAL

Staring too long will eventually result in a face something similar to this… which will eventually lead to this:

No… that’s not me punching myself… that’s Bunny punching me.

ADMITING THAT FABIO IS “PRETTY GOOD LOOKIN’ FOR A DUDE”

Ew.  Freakin’ gross.

 

So… there you have it.  The prophet has spoken.  Abide to these simple rules and you will become “A Trophy Husband”. 

Godspeed gentlemen.

Godspeed.

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8 responses to “How To Become A Trophy Husband

  1. Weirdest post ever. The pic of you after ‘staring too long at a Victoria’s Secret commercial’, however, is pure gold.

  2. Agreed Jenni. Weirdest post ever.

  3. I was going to say: “you are SO bizarre”. I think I’ll stand by that, even though wierd is good too.

    I hope Matt sees this; we would hear his laughter all the way from Oregon.

    I am going to have to look at Harper’s next time i’m in the store…that can’t be a real cover. Pleasssseeeee…don’t let it be. Hilary Clinton’s boobs? For all to see? (hey, that’s a poem). If it’s true, then the appropriate name would really be Harper’s Bizarre…as in, this post.

  4. how do you manage to make me giggle and puke so many times during the course of one post?

    I gotta say, man-maid is impressively busty in that outfit.

  5. O….M……G.
    Just when I think you can’t top yourself, you prove me wrong. Not to mention top the number of pics in one post that I never wanted to see. Now I have to go wash my eyes out with battery acid. Thanks, Chris.

  6. I never need to see you in a maid outfit again. Ever. M’kay?

    Please tell me you photoshopped or copied that magazine cover of Hillary from somewhere. Ewww.

    And don’t ever get caught watching “Nights of…” Whatever it was. Maybe I’d make my hubby watch “Twilight”, but none of that Richard Gere stuff.

    Now where’s the bleach to clean my retinas??

  7. My eyes were still burning from that picture of you in the maid outfit, then you throw in that Hillary cleavage one.

    I’m still a bit queasy.

    • chriskoenig4324

      Hey… you were my 800th comment on Hands To War! You win… NOTHING!! Well… you win my adoration. I guess that counts for something.

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