Long before DLG was even a twinkle in my eye… I had bought children’s books for Bunny that I would read to her before we went to bed. I saw it as kind of a romantic thing to do because with each passing book I bought, it always went in the bookshelf accompanied with the thought, “One day we’re going to read these to our kids!”
With each book also came a quick passage of my undying love for Bunny as well as the date I presented it to her. When our kids are old and then read these books to their kids… everyone will know how gross it was that Grandma and Grandpa used to read these books to each other and then DO IT!
“EEEEWWWWW GROSS!!” I can hear them say.
The first children’s book I bought for Bunny was “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” nearly seven years ago.
I had remembered what a cool book it was when I was a kid and she’d never read it… so to me… it offered her a glance into my childhood.
The passing years we were together brought more books like:
One of my personal favorites…
Each added book to our pile made having a kid that much more exciting… I even read to her while she was still in her mama’s belly. Although it wasn’t as cool reading to her when she was a tiny fetus in her mama’s uterus as compared to now when she’s almost two YEARS old (and comfortably outside her mother’s uterus).
I really believe that reading to her from early on has paid off in her development as “The World’s Smartest Kid” (it’s in the Guinness Book of World Records… look it up wise guy).
Every night when I sit down to read to her though… there’s one book that I honestly can’t stand… and it’s been around forever: Mother Goose and Her Book Of Morbid and Sadistic Rhymes.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!
Humpty Dumpty seconds before death…
You can’t tell by the rhyme itself… but Humpty Dumpty is a giant living egg. Then he falls to his death while breaking into a million pieces. While it makes about as much sense as a land where it rains meatballs or a dog whose farts help rob a bank… its central character dies! These are supposed to be stories that parents read to their kids before they drift off into dreamland. I don’t want my kid dreaming of some “Egg-man” falling off a wall and shattering his body into a million bloody pieces!
Three blind mice,
See how they run!
They all ran after a farmer’s wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife.
Did you ever see such a sight in your life,
As three blind mice?
While the central characters in this rhyme didn’t die… they got their tails cut off!!! With a carving knife no less!!! Don’t get me wrong… I don’t want mice in my garage more than the next guy but I’m not sadistically cut off their tails!!! I’m going to set out a mousetrap.
How about this one:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth,
Without any bread,
Whipped them all soundly, and sent them to bed.
Man… what a bitch. Call social services! Sorry about your luck having to live in a shoe (how’s that possible anyway) but it ain’t your kids faults!! This lady just “didn’t know what to do” so she starved them and whipped them. Ooooookaaay… where’s the good moral fiber in that story?
If all the world were paper,
And all the sea were ink,
If all the trees
Were bread and cheese,
What should we have to drink?
Okay… that’s not sadistic… it’s just stupid.
One final time:
Three men in a tub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker —
They all jumped out of a rotten potato!
‘Twas enough to make a fish stare.
W… T… F! Okay, so I want my little daughter envisioning three men in a tub together. No. And how I ask you… HOW… did they jump out of a rotten potato? What were they doing there in the first place?
I could go on forever… but I’ll stop.
What a sociopath! I don’t know who “Mother Goose” was or why she felt the need to reveal the innermost workings of her twisted mind to CHILDREN! All her stuff is a mix of randomness, death, torture, child abuse, etc. etc. etc. I think she’s really more suited to write lyrics for Slipknot as opposed to writing books for kids!
Rumor has it that the dude in the lower left corner is actually Mother Goose!
I know I may seem a little extreme and I’m not seriously on the “blacklist Mother Goose” bus but seriously folks… seriously… if they made Mother Goose into a movie it would be rated X.
What do you think?