Mother Goose Needs Therapy

Long before DLG was even a twinkle in my eye… I had bought children’s books for Bunny that I would read to her before we went to bed.  I saw it as kind of a romantic thing to do because with each passing book I bought, it always went in the bookshelf accompanied with the thought, “One day we’re going to read these to our kids!” 

With each book also came a quick passage of my undying love for Bunny as well as the date I presented it to her.  When our kids are old and then read these books to their kids… everyone will know how gross it was that Grandma and Grandpa used to read these books to each other and then DO IT

“EEEEWWWWW GROSS!!” I can hear them say.

The first children’s book I bought for Bunny was “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” nearly seven years ago.

I had remembered what a cool book it was when I was a kid and she’d never read it… so to me… it offered her a glance into my childhood.

The passing years we were together brought more books like:



One of my personal favorites…

Each added book to our pile made having a kid that much more exciting… I even read to her while she was still in her mama’s belly.  Although it wasn’t as cool reading to her when she was a tiny fetus in her mama’s uterus as compared to now when she’s almost two YEARS old (and comfortably outside her mother’s uterus).

I really believe that reading to her from early on has paid off in her development as “The World’s Smartest Kid” (it’s in the Guinness Book of World Records… look it up wise guy).

Every night when I sit down to read to her though… there’s one book that I honestly can’t stand… and it’s been around forever: Mother Goose and Her Book Of Morbid and Sadistic Rhymes.

For example:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!

Humpty Dumpty seconds before death…

You can’t tell by the rhyme itself… but Humpty Dumpty is a giant living egg.  Then he falls to his death while breaking into a million pieces.  While it makes about as much sense as a land where it rains meatballs or a dog whose farts help rob a bank… its central character dies!  These are supposed to be stories that parents read to their kids before they drift off into dreamland.  I don’t want my kid dreaming of some “Egg-man” falling off a wall and shattering his body into a million bloody pieces!

Another example:

Three blind mice,
See how they run!
They all ran after a farmer’s wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife.
Did you ever see such a sight in your life,
As three blind mice?

While the central characters in this rhyme didn’t die… they got their tails cut off!!!  With a carving knife no less!!!  Don’t get me wrong… I don’t want mice in my garage more than the next guy but I’m not sadistically cut off their tails!!!  I’m going to set out a mousetrap.

How about this one:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth,
Without any bread,
Whipped them all soundly, and sent them to bed.

Man… what a bitch.  Call social services!  Sorry about your luck having to live in a shoe (how’s that possible anyway) but it ain’t your kids faults!!  This lady just “didn’t know what to do” so she starved them and whipped them.  Ooooookaaay… where’s the good moral fiber in that story?


If all the world were paper,
And all the sea were ink,
If all the trees
Were bread and cheese,
What should we have to drink?

Okay… that’s not sadistic… it’s just stupid.

One final time:

Three men in a tub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker —
They all jumped out of a rotten potato!
‘Twas enough to make a fish stare.

W… T… F!  Okay, so I want my little daughter envisioning three men in a tub together.  No.  And how I ask you… HOW… did they jump out of a rotten potato?  What were they doing there in the first place?

I could go on forever… but I’ll stop.

What a sociopath!  I don’t know who “Mother Goose” was or why she felt the need to reveal the innermost workings of her twisted mind to CHILDREN!  All her stuff is a mix of randomness, death, torture, child abuse, etc. etc. etc.  I think she’s really more suited to write lyrics for Slipknot as opposed to writing books for kids!

Rumor has it that the dude in the lower left corner is actually Mother Goose!

I know I may seem a little extreme and I’m not seriously on the “blacklist Mother Goose” bus but seriously folks… seriously… if they made Mother Goose into a movie it would be rated X.

What do you think?



9 responses to “Mother Goose Needs Therapy

  1. Effin’ right. WTF? She’s totally off her rocker. How about “Hey Diddle, Diddle” – Complete Effin’ Nonsense! She and those Brothers Grimm guys should get locked up in the same cuckoo ward.

    And so, I see I get no recognition as your 799 and 801 commenter. I see how it is. See if you be getting anymore sunshine awards from me. Ha.

    • chriskoenig4324

      Hey Mama… actually you were 799 and 803… but who’s counting right? J/k…love you like the dickens… thanks for keepin’ on readin’

  2. Agreed. Some of the books we’ve had given to us have been intentionally left out of his nighttime stack.

    BTW, I’m pretty sure the guy in the lower-right corner of the Slipknot picture just died a few days ago. Maybe Mother Goose will be his replacement.

  3. You’re welcome. I am just messin’ with you anyway, because really there aren’t that many people I can do that with these days.

    I keep coming back for the randomness and occasional insightful post. And the weird stuff. And funny stuff.

    Ok, I like it all.

  4. That Slipknot photo is cracking me up.

    I think most people who actually read Mother Goose have a similar reaction. That is: “WTF?”

    Have you ever read “The Christian Mother Goose”? It’s actually quite nice, and the rhymes make sense for a change. I thought you had it as a kid?

  5. Pingback: Tweets that mention Mother Goose Needs Therapy « Hands To War --

  6. A long time ago, before there were psychologists and DHS and all that, I think these rhymes were “morality tales” of some sort – beats me what was intended other than scaring kids half to death. Same with the Brothers Grimm…very appropriately named for sure. Maybe kids saw humor in it somehow like we do with Monty Python squirting blood everywhere – or Bizarro comics – or Edward Gory tales & cartoons (where DO they get these names? It’s probably not spelled that way). BUT, I’m with you on not reading them to DLG (although I don’t think she’d be too emotional about a busted egg).

  7. Thanks for ruining the Dog Fart book for me. Next time throw in a spoiler alert ;).

    • chriskoenig4324

      Sweet dude. Thanks for the comment. You know… they are actually making a movie of Walter the Farting Dog

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