Monthly Archives: June 2010

I’m Feeling A Bit Fluffy


Day THIRTY(!) of 30 posts in 30 days (holy balls I managed to do it!)

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So, here I am on the precipice of finishing the challenge I made to myself one month ago.  You know what?  There isn’t a lavish parade stampeding by my door.  Ed McMahon didn’t raise from the dead to give me $50 million dollars.  I didn’t suddenly realize I could speed up my heart rate fast enough to bend a bullet around Angelina Jolie’s face (that’s Wanted… in case you hadn’t seen it). 

None of that happened.

In fact… I feel a bit fluffy.  No, I don’t mean I feel overweight or a little pudgy.  I mean that over these last 30 days I haven’t really written a lot about things of relevance or things that I look back on and say, “Hey… I wrote the shit out of that topic!”  In the past, I may have taken me two or three days to get a post together.  This gave me time to formulate my thoughts, organize myself, take pictures, scratch my balls… whatever.  These 30 days (in amongst everything else I do) consisted of me busting my ass to think of something to write about every day!  I must say, it got a little overwhelming and I’m looking forward to not posting something every single day.

I also want to set something straight for you readers and myself as well:  I’m a God-fearing individual.  Perhaps I don’t make that statement enough.  I realize that I curse at times on my posts, I post pictures of my wife and Kim Kardashian (well done God… well done), say things like “scratch my balls” or “punch my testicles” or “I like boobies” and talk about my past that consisted of a lot of boozing and partying.  Truth of the matter is… I’m not worthy of the love God displays for me.  I’ve been incredibly blessed and that hasn’t been without living through times where I felt like dying. 

I don’t feel that writing a scripture passage after every post or having a moral message after every story is particularly endearing to some of my readers who may be atheist or agnostic.  I want to reach out to those readers as well.  Just because I am a Christian doesn’t mean that I can’t scratch my balls, think Kim Kardashian is hot or talk about my past in a light that may be humorous.  I’m not Mr. “Moral Majority” and certainly don’t want to come across that way so I talk about what I want and hope that my occasional post on my faith or my marriage or being a father can reach out to the masses in some small way. 

This blog rose out of the ashes that was my life for a while.  I was dead.  I was lost.  I was sincerely hurting.  “Hands To War” came from that.  My blog title actually comes from scripture!  Psalm 18 vs. 32-36 to be exact:

It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.  He maketh my feet like hinds’ feet, and setteth me upon my high places.  He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.  Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great.  Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.

When I was crumbling in my depression, it was He who helped me out.   This scripture resonated with me.  He helped make me strong.  If it had been up to me I would have literally died… and I mean that.  I feel that lately, I haven’t credited God with everything that I have.  So that’s what I’m doing right now in this post.

Quite frankly people, when you read this blog, you’re reading me… stains and all.  I use Hands To War as my creative, emotional and spiritual outlet.  It’s up to you whether you want to read it or not.

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Thanks for reading these last 30 days.  I hope you can look forward to more posts to come (just not every day).

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Search Engine Silliness


Day twenty-nine of 30 blogs in 30 days

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The internet is like… big and stuff.  A lot of people use it.  A lot of them use search engines (Google, Bing, AskJeeves, etc.) to help them find what they’re looking for.  What follows are search engine terms that people have used to find my blog (quite mistakenly I assume) for the last month.

So I present them to you for your entertainment.

But before I do… I have to give credit where credit is due.  I lifted this idea from Sci-Fi Dad and his blog: Tales From The Dad Side.  Check him out if you get a chance.

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how to give a forehead rug burn
run then dive forehead first on rug… guarenteed to work

can apple juice make you wet your bed?
only if it threatens you menacingly 

die by the sword double pack – white lab
someone clue me in on what this could possibly mean

going to the bathroom made my ass hurt
you should probably see someone about that

chicken tattoo leg piece
and I thought I regreted some of my tattoos

your mom test my salad
your dad test my steak… ha ha… so there…

emily browning uninvited panties
I’ve never seen Emily Brownings panties but I haven’t been invited either

moms caught peeing
some people are really freakin’ sick… on the other end of the spectrum this would make a really cool name for a band

yes master i am hypnotized
great… now go fetch me a beer, dust the entry way and then make me a sandwich

cage fighting, boner
uh-oh… that’s a good way to REALLY get your ass kicked

grandpas, hangers
Lets try and think of the two most random things and see if we can connect them through the magic of the internet

who’s breathing for me
here’s a clue: you

mc hammer bulge
Not through Hammer pants he ain’t

it should be illegal to judge me for the
…….. for the…… for the…. for the WHAT!  The suspense is killing me

do rangers get pants in hands of war
I’ve got nothing…

kid born into puberty
skip potty training and dive right into teenage defiance… brilliant idea!  Not.

arse full of chips
I ‘ate it when that ‘appens to ma arse

youngest 40 year old
Unbelievably, the youngest and the oldest 40-year-old are both 40!

pancake batter on naked skin
just when you thought you’ve heard of ever fetish in the book… there’s a pancake one

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As I stated at the end of yesterdays post, I would link to the bloggers who commented on that previous post.

Many thanks to Seattle Dad (of Luke, I Am Your Father) and Keith Wilcox (of Almighty Dad) for stopping by and commenting on my crappy little blog yesterday.  Go check them out… they’re much more elegantly versed, relevant and poignant than me.

The Wiggles: The Spawn Of Satan Himself


Day twenty-eight of 30 posts in 30 days

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I remember as a young teenager thinking that I would never EVER EVER allow my child to watch Barney.  Barney made my stomach heave and wretch like I was about to unleash a obscene amount of goolash.

While Barney in no way makes me feel quite the same way these days (although it still is a bit like getting razors shoved under your fingernails) there is one show that DLG watches occasionally that does: The Wiggles.

Have you seen a group of four men look more frightening?

Formed in Sydney, Australia… this group of four men claim to be your “child’s first rock band”.  I’m more inclined to teach DLG that: “if a man who looks like any one of these guys ever tries to talk to you then scream for the police”.  While they may sing catchy tunes that I catch myself humming sometimes (right before I sock myself in the testicles) there are far more shows out there with more bearable songs than theirs.

Believe me… this is just the tip of the iceberg…

Okay, so Barney’s got the dinosaur thing going… kids like dinosaurs.  The Wonder Pets are all cute little pets… kids like cute little pets (and one wiff a lysp… I’m team Ming Ming).  Yo Gabba Gabba has acid-trip characters, celebrity sing alongs and a giant dildo named Muno. 

What does The Wiggles have?

Captain Feathersword:

Why does he have a feather for a sword you might ask? Well… it’s because feathers are less violent than swords! Duh!

Anyway, if the worst thing about being a father is having to endure a 20-block moment of time where DLG wants to watch The Wiggles… I guess I ain’t got it so bad.

But that doesn’t mean I still don’t want their Wiggles plane to crash in the Himalayas and be reduced to eat each other to survive.  Just sayin’….

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Who get’s the linkage today?

I don’t know.  I have an idea… if you read my blog, have your own blog and would like me to link to your blog in my next post then comment on this post… and I’ll link to you tomorrow.

Listen… even if I’ve already linked you… just leave me a comment and I’ll link to you again. 

I’m just a stand up dude… what can I say?

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For Ice Cream


Day twenty-seven of 30 blogs in 30 days

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Ice Cream is the devil’s work.

I really can’t get enough of the damn stuff.  My addiction is mint chocolate chip in those colored cones that stand up by themselves.  I vindicate eating two of them because “the cones are so small”.

Their crispity crunchity goodness cannot be denied!

Although, I have discovered Blue Bunny’s Birthday Party Ice Cream Sandwiches:

If I was the Blue Bunny CEO I would stock my entire nuclear holocaust bunker with Birthday Party Ice Cream Sandwiches.  There’d be nothing better to live on for the next several nuclear winters…

They are incredible and almost like soaring away on a magic carpet ride with Jasmine (not Aladdin)… she was hot.

Hmmmm… see any similarities to someone? Hint: .

What exactly is it about ice cream that dissolves me into a shivering mass of uncontrollable muscle spasms?  Well… I think it’s because all ice cream contains some sort of addictive drug or sedative.

Every time I eat an ice cream cone or an ice cream sandwich or a scoop of ice cream off the nape of Bunny’s neck… I’m not only hungry for more but I could eat so much  more ice cream I may just resemble a rotting, bloated carcass of a beached whale!  It’s only my extreme will-power that stops me from taking the dive into an ice-cream overdose.

Ugh.  That last ice cream sandwich effed me.  I’m going to be here a while…

So… Ice cream is my Achilles heel.  What’s yours?

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More linkage.  Since it doesn’t seem that my previous plea (from my last post) for more submissions to my Fanroll really worked worth a damn… I’m going to do it again.

WHY!!! WHY!!!! WHY WON’T YOU PARTICIPATE IN MY FUN GAME!!!  WHY MUST I STOOP SO LOW AS TO MAKE MYSELF AN OLDER PLEADING WOMAN TO GET YOU TO PARTICIPATE!!

What’s that?  No one likes it when you start to beg?

Okay fine.  Don’t submit anything.  See if I care.

Don’t click this… right here… I don’t want you too anymore.

Sick Obsessions


Day twenty-six of 30 blogs in 30 days

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So I got sunburnt today going to this pool:

No… it’s not our pool.  It’s a friend of ours with money.  Lots of money.  The kind of “lots of money” that just kinda pisses you off.

Regardless, they’re extremely nice people and have given us somewhat of an open door whenever we want to come and pretend like we’re living in our own palatial estate.

Also, I got to wear goggles and Bunny flashed me underwater.  It was awesome.

Anyway… I got sunburned.  Getting sunburned sucks.  But a little pain and suffering never hurt anyone right?  Besides, after you go through the annoyance of not being able to sleep cause your burn hurts too bad or when your skin starts to heal and ITCHES worse than that time you got crabs… then your skin starts TO PEEL!!

OH MY GAWD HOW EXCITING!!!

If you deny that you enjoy trying to peel the biggest piece of dead skin off your formally sunburned body… then you ARE A LIAR!!!  It always makes that cool noise too like you’re pulling Saran wrap out of a box.

I’m always a little disappointed because I get a little over-anxious and start to peel before the whole area is ready to peel.  This results in some much smaller flakes of dead skin as opposed to the potential parachute I could have peeled from my back if I had just waited an extra day or two.

C’mon…. c’mon…  stay together… stay together…

Bunny always liked to pop my back zits (when I had them) or requested that I call her into the bathroom before squeezing one I had on my face.  If she was lucky, I’d squeeze one that shot the poison out of my pimple like a bullet and brutally splash on the bathroom mirror.  Anything even remotely close to this scenario would result in her squealing with glee and requesting to get an up close look at what I’d just vanquished.

Don’t look at me like that.  You have some sort of ridiculous, sick obsession… and I want to know about it.

So I ask you, my diligent readers… I know you’re there reading RIGHT NOW… what is your sick, twisted obsession?  Do you eat your scabs?  Do you have an insatiable need to smell armpit body odor?  Do you save your pubic hair in a pickle jar?  I have laid myself out here to TELL YOU I LIKE PEELING MY DEAD SKIN TO MAKE PARACHUTES THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS EVEN ANONYMOUSLY EMBARRASS YOURSELF!!

I mean c’mon… it’s just the internet… who’s gonna find out?

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Alright.  Who’s it gonna be today?  Who’s gonna get their blog linked to from me?

How about…. ME!!  Actually I want to keep pushing my FANROLL!  C’mon… people it’s fun and it’s simple.

Step 1 – Take a picture of yourself holding a sign saying “I Read Hands To War Because _________”.

Step 2 – Send it to me at papak4324@live.com where I will then post it in my fanroll along with your URL or product or whatever and we’ll both get what we want.

For a more concise information on how to do all this click here and here.

It’s kind of like the much much much much much much much much poorer version of Facebook.

Anyway… If you’re interested in joining my fanroll then click on my screaming fans:

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DLG’s Top Five Books


Day twenty-five of 30 blogs in 30 days

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My kid loves to read.  I credit myself because I used to read to her when she was still in her mama’s belly and when her ears were nothing more than nubby pinholes.

She loves a good episode of Yo Gabba Gabba or Wonder Pets… but nothing beats cuddling up to her old man and reading a book.  I also enjoy it because it’s the only reading I get besides Entertainment Weekly. 

And there are pictures. 

And they’re only like twenty pages.

And there are pictures.

So here’s a countdown of the top five books that DLG likes her daddy to read to her:

5. I Love You Through And Through

Books hardly come more heartfelt. 

The book allows you to hold your kid close and tell them how much you love them.  If you haven’t read it before it will also help your kiddo learn different body part and emotions as the book tells you, “I love your hair and your eyes… your giggles and your cries.”  If you’re anything like me then you’ll have kissed your kid 20 more times after the book is over.

4. No, David!

I believe that we got this book at a baby shower before DLG was even born.  I remember skimming through it and thinking that I would never read it to DLG because it seemed so negative.  It basically follows David as he does all these bad things (jumping on the bed, chewing with his mouth open, etc.) and yelled at to not do something in a varying number of ways (“Not in the house David!” or “Stop that this instant”, etc.).  Why would I want DLG to be hit with all that negativity?

Also David looks like a little demon with his sharp little teeth.

What I didn’t know before she got here is that it is a very visual stimulating book for the little ones and it’s easy to follow along.  Since “No” is one of the first words most kids learn then they can really get involved with the story and “read” along with you. 

After reading it several hundred million times… I don’t see that the book has had any reverse effects on DLG regarding it’s “negativity”.  I was perhaps just being too much of an anal father before she was even birthed.

3. Where’s My Teddy?

This book was also purchased for us before DLG was even born.  What was once a crisp, new book is now a ripped, torn, chewed on mess of pages held together by a few staples.  The book kinda plays into my own fears: the deep dark woods, being alone, etc.  But what surprises you is its element of comfort at the very end.

It also rhymes and (like a song you hear on the radio) you’ll find yourself repeating the words while you carry on your menial tasks throughout the day.

2. Little Pea

Little Pea is a clever spin on the whole “getting your kid to eat their vegetables” idea.  Little Pea is… well… a little pea who main food consists of candy, while his dessert is spinach.  It’s a simple idea… but one I didn’t think of.

Little Pea’s authors also have two other books: Little Hoot and Little Oink with clever spins as well.

We don’t actually own this book.  I have checked it out from the library four months in a row now though.  Her birthday is coming up… I know at least one thing she’s getting.

1. Panda Bear, Panda Bear, What Do You See?

I don’t know what it is about this book… but DLG loves it.  Between her mama and I, we’ve read it no less that 150 times.

I always think it’s humorous when these books are “written by” someone.  All this book does is recite what differing animals see in the zoo.  It ain’t a book on nanotechnology so I can’t imagine the author spent a long time grinding their teeth on what was going to happen next.

Regardless, Eric Carle is the artist who’s has drawn all the pictures in the book and he’s fantastic.  I didn’t know this until recently but Eric Carle has written and illustrated something like 75 books and DLG loves every one of them.  But Panda Bear holds a special place in her heart because it’s the first book she was able to “read” (or memorize) all by herself.

Also check out “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” and “Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You See?”

What books do you read to your kid(s)?  What books do you remember getting read to as a kid?

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Who gets the esteemed privilege of getting their blog linked to today?

Well… God Will Provide is another one of my Catholic friends who writes about her walk of faith, her children (she’s preggers with #6), her struggles and other things we all like to release upon our bloggy friends.

If you know what’s good for you (like I do) then go visit my bloggy friend LauraZim at God Will Provide and suck up a healthy dose of  what’s good for you!

Five Questions


Day twenty-four of 30 posts in 30 days

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1. After I’m done with 30 posts in 30 days, what challenge should I give myself next?

2. Does this make you laugh?

3. Have you checked out my first post over at Hot Dads?

4. Can you say “toyboat” three times real fast without messing up?  It’s not possible and most importantly… IT’S REALLY FUN!! AAAAAHAHAHAHA.

5. For your summer bikini wax, what shape are you going to get? I’m going to get a heart.

Hmmm… I can’t wait to rip the hair from my crotch in a quick, violent manner

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No link for you and sorry this post is so lame.  I’m just trying to catch up on my 30 posts in 30 days… another post coming in the next couple hours!

Defending Kim Kardashian


Day twenty-three of 30 posts in 30 days

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My celebrity crush was recently massively crucified for tweeting this:

“EWW Im at lunch,the woman at the table next 2 me is breast-feeding her baby with no coverup then puts baby on the table and changes her diaper [sic],”

After a hurricane of backlash she tweeted this:

 “My sister breast feeds! Its a natural beautiful thing, there’s nothing wrong w it, but she covers herself, not w her boobs exposed” [sic]

I’ve never fooled myself into thinking that Kim Kardashian’s smarts matched her extraordinary beauty… if she had known any better she’d know that “lactavists” aren’t to be effed with.

I do know what she was trying to say in her original tweet.  Both my sisters breastfed their 15 kids (between them), my wife breastfed DLG and I breastfed until I was seven years old… the list goes on.  I know how important breastfeeding is and I support it 150%.  While I know how important it is I also thing there’s a tactful way of doing it.  Just because it’s a womans right to breastfeed in public doesn’t mean that they should just fling their boobs all over the place and not receive some sort of backlash from it.

Video’s kind of blurry… but it is humorous.

Don’t think for one second I don’t advocate breastfeeding and breastfeeding IN PUBLIC… because I absolutely do.  I just don’t see why mothers of kids wouldn’t want to cover themselves up in public?  But that’s just me… and Kim Kardashian apparently.

What’s your take?

BTW… I didn’t breastfeed until I was seven… I was trying to see if you were paying attention.

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Who will reap the benefits of me passing along their blog information to all my (6) readers?

Juggling Eric is a good read.  Here’s a guy who’s a dad to FIVE kids and still finds time to blog on a fairly consistent basis.  I also enjoy a recent post he did about superhero attack strategies… pretty funny stuff.

So go check out Juggling Eric by clicking the juggler:

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ALSO… I’ve got first post up at HOT DADS of which I’m a contributing writer now!  How cool is that!?

I should have my first post by 5AM on 6/24 so click the button to take you there (if it’s after 5AM on 6/24).

Hot Dads

How My Wife Can Get Me To Do Anything


Day twenty-two of 30 posts in 30 days

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So I’m  going to cheat on my post today and post a slightly edited post I posted on my previous blog about a year ago.  How many times can I say the word “post”.

Not to sound too much like a typical dude… but when I first met my wife… my eyes weren’t drawn to her loving, caring soul or her desire to be completely committed to me if I turned out to be “the one”.  The plunging neckline of her white tank top had me timing the moments where she looked away to steal a glance into sights that pumped blood through the chambers of my heart a little faster than usual.

This totally unedited photo caught me in the act of looking down Bunny’s shirt

My sister always told me I would marry a girl with giant flesh pillows.  She always attributed my love for the enlarged female pectorals on the fact that I was nursed as a baby until well after my first birthday.  This may have affected my unconscious memory to a point where I knew there was comfort, sustenance and happiness to be found in between the two of the greatest wonders of Gods creation.

Don’t let the face (or double chin) fool you… I’m comfortable, sustained and extremely happy.

I definitely would not say that if Bunny wasn’t sporting a pair to my liking… I wouldn’t have been interested in her because that is the furthest from the truth.  The fact that she was on her way to back problems past the age of 50 certainly received an immediate check mark on my list of “Things I Like About Bunny”… next to “Incredible Laugh and Smile”, “Beautiful Face”, “Hypnotic Eyes”, “Ridiculously White Teeth” and “Easy to Talk to”.

Again… this completely unedited picture shows me sucumbing to the gravitational eye pull of Bunny’s boobs… fortunately for the other guy in the picture he was able to overcome because he knew that I would smash him like a egg shell if I caught him looking…

Like most men, I am a visual person.  My initial attraction to Bunny was a physical one, and really… there’s nothing wrong with that.  If she hadn’t been wearing a swimsuit the size of two pieces of pepperoni held together with dental floss… oh wait… that was a different time!! Sorry…

Let me start over… like most men, I am a visual person.  My initial attraction to Bunny was a physical one, and really… there’s nothing wrong with that.  If she hadn’t been wearing that airline stewardess outfit and asked me if I “wanted to join the ‘Mile High’ club” then… wait… dangit!!  That was my dream last night.

One more time… like most men, I am a visual person.  My initial attraction to Bunny was a physical one, and really… there’s nothing wrong with that.  If she hadn’t been wearing what she was wearing the initial attraction might not have been there to learn everything I know about her now.

So… I’m not scared to say that her breasts brought us together.  Perhaps God had a different plan in mind when he destined our lives together before time began… perhaps “plan A” was to meet at a bible study.  But as seeing that our lives didn’t work out that way, the magnetic pull towards each other converged over cleavage and smoke at a bar.  I’m sure that was somewhere around “Plan ZZ”.  Now, in some backwards way, we’re having bible studies together and staying away from the bar.

If she knew any better… those weapons are a good way to get me to do chores and menial tasks around the house.  Hmmm.  Food for thought there honey.

If I had a beer right now, I’d raise my glass and say a toast to the greatest boobs the world has ever known… but will never see… except for me that is. 

Yeeessssssssss….

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Who’s going to get my bloggy link of the day?

Creative-Type Dad was one of the first daddy bloggers I discovered.  He hasn’t been posting very often (recently because his wife just had a baby and he got the chicken pox!) but when he does I generally read an make a comment.  And you should too.

Click the newborn to go there too:

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What Tattoo Should Papa K Get Next?


Yes… I always refer to myself in the third person… don’t you?

Day twenty-one of 30 blogs in 30 days (I’m in the HOME STRETCH!)

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My Father’s Day present rocked.

Bunny presented me with a gift certificate to the tattoo shop where I get all my obsessive skin-art.  I haven’t gotten a tattoo since I got DLG’s name over my heart (or left titty… however you wanna look at it) a little over a year and a half ago so I’m due.

I just need to decide what I’m going to do.

I’ve narrowed the selections of what I want to get next to three choices.  Let me know which one you think I should get next.

 – “Est. 1979” across my back like this (this isn’t a very good picture and it’s not on the back… but you get the idea):

I’m leaning towards this across my back because I don’t have anything on my back yet and I think it’ll be pretty close to what I have to spend.

 – “The Hulk” on the inside of my left leg in an effort to complete my superhero leg sleeve (this one would really hurt):

 – Or Dean Yeagle’s “Mandy” on my left ribcage.  I would customize her into leaning on a baseball bat, holding a baseball and wearing some Texas Ranger gear… although I would just be able to afford the outline for the timebeing since this would be a fairly big piece:

Put in your two cents.  I might take your advice… I might not.

If you’re my mom… telling me “not to get another tattoo” isn’t a viable option.

Oh… and I’m going to see if I can get this small tattoo thrown in:

I’m not kidding…

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I’ll take this opportunity to list probably the least interesting for all my readers but still feel the need to honorably display it because I read it all the time.

Baseball Time In Arlington (or BBTiA) is a very well written Texas Rangers blog.  I live, breath, sleep, eat, poop, sweat, fart and snort the Texas Rangers and this is the best fan source for anything Texas Ranger related.

If you’re a baseball fan, you don’t even have to be a TEXAS RANGER fan… you should check out this site because it is so well put together.  Click the pic of Josh Hamilton (my favorite player and man-crush) to take you there:

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