Confessions Of A Beer Snob


Day five of 30 posts in 30 days.

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The first beer I ever had was a Bud Light.  It was disgusting.  In fact I had two.  The reason I was drinking them was because I was preparing for my first “night out”.  It was my junior prom and I (on my own accord… or unwillingness to make an effort) didn’t have a prom date.  Through my “connections” with some of the dudes on my baseball team, I got invited to some prom parties and after-parties.  My parents also happened to be out-of-town and left me with my much older brother so there was no issue in trying to devise a story to get myself out of the house or curfew to abide by.

I was a sheltered kid and completely socially inept because I was homeschooled all through junior high.  Because of some rejection I received from the elementary school I went to before being homeschooled through junior high, I quickly disappeared into the black cave of my house hovering over baseball cards and Archie comics like I was Gollum protecting his “precious” ring.

Good ol' days | DORKS OF THE WORLD UNITE!!!  And drink tea. | Papa Koenig

Similarities?  I see one with the way our hair is parted.  I also think Gollum liked ice tea.

My sophomore year and most of my junior year in high school were forgettable because I was forgettable!  I had made no effort to put myself out there or make any new friends regardless of the circumstances or atmosphere. 

I can’t even begin to tell you how I was around girls.  If one looked at me or talked to me I got so scared I shat myself or came up with some word never before uttered throughout history.

This was my first opportunity (to not shat myself).

“If I want to be ‘cool’ with all these other kids… and maybe even girls… I have to at least look like I know what I’m doing” I thought to myself.

So I drank up these two Bud Lights the night before prom to ready myself of what was going to become of “my first party”.

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If you’ve ever been a high school kid going to your first party, I’m sure you can imagine to some extent how the party went.  Because I was such a “goody-goody” and most of the people at the party were shocked to see such an unusual participant in their nefarious acts I was giving somewhat of the star treatment.  I was offered a different sample of everyone’s favorite poison.   As the night went on, I wasn’t offered any more… I just took what I wanted.  I’m sure that was annoying.

I passed out on the floor watching some documentary about tornados.

And that was the first time I drank.

It wasn’t the last.

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I’ve had my bouts with some scary situations resulting from my stupidity with alcohol and there’s no one to blame but myself.

Regardless of all that, through the years I have become somewhat of a beer snob.

“What exactly is a beer snob?” You may ask. 

Well, a beer snob is someone who looks down on those “domestic beer drinkers” .  I have a tendency to look down on people who drink Bud Light, Coors Light, Budweiser, Coors Original, Keystone, Keystone Light or (God forbid) Milwaukee’s Best REGULARLY.  If there’s nothing else to drink but these beers… I just won’t drink beer.  I’ll drink my own piss… it tastes better (at least I heard that).

Now, I drank plenty of domestic beers when I was a college student.  I remember how we would drive to this one particular grocery store where we could buy a 30 pack of Keystone Light for around $15.  We’d buy three of four of them. 

So I have walked the domestic line for quite some time and I’m done. 

This is what you get for drinking domestic…

One other thing you may not know unless you live in Oklahoma is that Oklahoma is a few cans short of a six-pack… almost literally.  Since we live in a place where tattooing only got legalized a couple of years ago, the state’s strict rules say that convenience stores are not allowed to sell ANY beer over a 3.2% limit (while all our surrounding states have a 6.0% maximum).  This makes the beer (all domestic) watered down and if you drink around three or four beers you start to swell like a tick at a blood bank.  Your only solace is to go to the liquor store (before 9PM and not on Sundays) where they sell the beer over 3.2% and not the domestic urine you find at the neighborhood 7-11.

The more quality beer I drink, I find it harder to understand why people refuse to go outside their own little comfort zone and NOT try new and different beers?

Just like wine, there are so many different types and tastes of beer. 

I’m a big advocate of wheat beer or hefeweizen.  Boulevard Wheat is my beer of choice.

Kansas City April 2008 | YAY!! BEER!! | Papa Koenig

One of the happiest days of my life: my tour of the Boulecard Wheat brewery in Kansas City

I’ve never liked stouts or ales very much.  Drinking Guinness, I feel, is worse than sucking honey through a straw… it’s just too thick for my enjoyment.

While I have my likes and dislikes with the finer aspects of beer and consider myself somewhat of a snob… nothing get’s my panties in bunch much more than when I’m out with a friend where there’s a multitude of beers on tap… and they order a Bud Light. 

“W… T… F are you thinking dude?  There are all these beers and you order a Bud Light!  You can buy that at ‘Wong Fangs Kum and Go Food And Gas Mart!'” I’ll say.

Much of the same way Wal-Mart snuffs out alot of the mom and pop stores with cheaper prices and cheaper products, so do the large conglomerate beer companies like Anheuser Busch and Coors.  Their beer is awful but it’s everywhere.  Some people just get used to drinking it so that’s what they go with.

So for all you beer drinkers out there continuing to refuse to stray from your Coors Light or Busch Light, we can still be friends, but grab something with an unpronounceable label from a unpronouncable country and taste what REAL beer tastes like.  It doesn’t taste like pee… I can guarantee you that…

Non-domestic… the more sophisticated choice

What’s your favorite beer?  Don’t say Bud Light.

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Get this blogger on your list… she’s one of my 30 blogs to follow in 30 days.

Wanna hear about how  life is from a woman not afraid to spew an F-Bomb here and there to get her point across?  Look no further than Life According To Candice.  Shenanigans are something she doesn’t stray away from.  I find her pretty hilarious and I hope you might too.

Click her button and it’ll take you strait there:

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22 responses to “Confessions Of A Beer Snob

  1. Chris my man,

    I have to disagree and agree with you

    1st, I used to be someone that would only drink domestics and wouldnt even try anything different.

    Then I became someone who would try all kinds of beer just so I wasnt drinking domestics.

    After all of these years I can now tell you that A) Stouts and ales usually taste like crap to me B) I do love wheat beer C) I am not afraid to try any beer D) Going by taste I can honestly say that the only non domestics I have every truly enjoyed the taste of are wheat beers and some French beer (forgot the name) which was delicious. I really enjoy the taste of Bud Light and Miller High Life, those are my two domestics of choice.

    • chriskoenig4324

      The only domestic I can stomach even slightly is Miller Genuine Draft. You know… at most sporting events you go to they don’t have anything BUT domestics so I’m kind of forced to drinking bud or coors unfortunately.

      You know what… we can still be friends even though you like Bud Light. I just think youre crazy.

  2. Okay, okay, I JUST HAVE TO SAY ONE THING. You were NOT socially inept because you were homeschooled. You really need to stop with the stereotypes. One would think from reading your blog that every kid in public school is the epitome of gracious social conduct and all homeschoolers have their thumbs up their butts. Let’s face it, people are socially inept for many reasons, and your sheltered lifestyle had much more to do with the father who raised you (yeah, he’s a great guy in many ways but he would have been happy to raise a hermit clone of himself) than your method of schooling.

    Rant over. But I couldn’t contain it anymore.

    • …and I’m so glad you’re not a piss-drinker anymore. My favorite beer of all time is Nude Beach by the Point company. It only comes out for the summer. I plan to buy some to drink as soon as baby arrives in November! Hey, it’s good for milk production, donchaknow?

    • chriskoenig4324

      Yes yes yes… I was trying to imply it wasn’t the homeschooling that made me a hermit but rather my own decision to lock myself away from civilization. Perhaps I didn’t make that completely clear. So, for the record, when I told mom I wanted to be homeschooled I wanted to do it so I wouldn’t have to face other school kids and deal with rejection and ridicule. It wasn’t the homeschooling that made me socially inept, but rather my own decision to not be a functional member of society. It may sound like I’m blaming homeschooling… but I’m not. I just used it as a means to lock myself away. Mom, to all her credit, TRIED like hell to get me involved in extra curicular (sp?) activities but I adamently refused (excpet baseball). So anyway… I’ll try to get away from that stereotype and stick with penny pinching Jews.

  3. hmmm.. beer.. so good but im more of a vodka drinker. i do enjoy the random beer here and there and being from canada our beer is awesome so i don’t mind the local brew melson,or labatt blue ect.., hawaii has an interesting blend they did a coffee beer which was really good too,and a friend of mine brought back prague beer called ‘kozel’ it was really good… yeah thats my in put. bottom line beers good but vodka is better. just sayin

  4. I don’t really think Gollum mentions iced tea. That would be me you’re thinking of (hahaha).

    BEER…yuck, yuck, yuck and double yuck. So there. Never liked it, never will.

    Thanks for exonerating me from the homeschool issue. You WERE rather a brat in the socialization department. I was tempted many times to hogtie you and throw you into the middle of a social gathering (of any kind)…or
    …a volcano.

    I learn more things about your mysterious “other” life from reading this blog. Now not so mysterious.

  5. Less than a year ago I was still drinking domestic water type beer.
    But now I have been enlightened to the real taste options out there!
    I have found that for me oak is to Chardonnay as hops is to beer.
    In either case, the more the better.
    And that puts RiverHorse Hop Hazard or Hoppolatumus on the top of my list.

  6. Dude, you could be Gollum in any futute remake with that look. LOL.

    I am with you on being a beer snob. We have an abundance of high quality craft beers up here in the Seattle area. (Manny’s Pale Ale by Georgetown Brewing is a fav) but my absolute favorite right now is Trippel by New Belgium (7.8%) One and I am in heaven. In fact, the whole New Belgium line including Ranger, 1551, Fat Tire, Mothership Whit, are all top notch. I want to get them to sponsor a giveaway on my blog.

    • chriskoenig4324

      Okay… well when the sponsorship works out then I want to be the “winner”. C’mon… PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!

  7. OKay well, I have a confession to make… I don’t drink beer period.

    Are we still friends?

    I do however feel the same about water… why drink from the tap when you can buy quality water? 🙂

    I commented earlier but I just found out none of my comments published with my phone? Sucks.

    I do read Candice and she is awesome!

  8. Beer. Ew.

    Then again, I haven’t had a drink in 5+ years (thank you pregnancy and breastfeeding).
    I think I’d have an El Presidente Margarita if I were to have a drink.

    So to hear about your mom.

  9. beer is for sissies. who’s up for some Jägermeister? ;D

  10. Amen, and Amen!!! It’s so nice to find out that someone besides me and my dad appreciate good beer!

  11. Don’t shoot me but I rather enjoy an ice-cold Coors Light once in a while (at least it’s not Michelob Ultra, my go-to when I first started drinking beer). That being said…my favorite beer/ale is most definitely Blue Moon. I don’t care what anyone says, one tall pilsner of that yummy goodness with a slice of orange and I’m in summertime heaven.

  12. Chris,
    I have never been, nor will ever be a beer drinker. I simply don’t like beer.
    Barrett works at a Brewery in Blanco, Texas that is growing in leaps and bounds, and has made a huge name for itself in a very few years.
    Try it and let me know what you think……Barrett would love to hear your thoughts !!! here’s their facebook link :
    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Blanco-TX/Real-Ale-Brewing-Company/85360426538#!/pages/Blanco-TX/Real-Ale-Brewing-Company/85360426538?v=wall&ajaxpipe=1&__a=7

  13. Chris,
    This is the first reply I’ve left, but I’ve been reading you blog awhile and it’s freakin great. One of the greatest collections of literary observations I’ve digested (mentally or course…electrons fire up my IBS) in a long time. REALLY great and funny and on-point.
    Jason Shuck

    PS: On topic, I’d rather eat beets than drink typical American swill…and I f’n HATE beets!!!! (This of course doesn’t include the many fine micro-brews and Sam Adams-type brewers of hoppy goodness.)

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