Top Three Tattoos To Consider If You’re a Douche


Before I get started on this list… I’d like to point out that I have a douche tattoo:

Yes… that is a badly faded tribal scorpion that’s apparently about to pounce on my tasty, pre-cancerous mole.  Also… quit looking at my tiny nipple.  I know that it keeps staring at you but you be the bigger person and just look away.

So if you want to get mad and huffy because you may already have one of the dreaded tattoos I’m about to mention… then just remember that I have also defamed myself before getting starting.  Although… I still don’t think a tribal scorpion is anywhere near AS douchey as these.

Panther or Lion or Shark Or Dragon or Other Ravenous Beast “Ripping” Out From Underneath Your Skin:

Uh… dude… THERE’S A SMALL TIGER RIPPING THROUGH YOUR BACK!!!  HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN!!! Oh… it’s a tattoo!  My bad.

I don’t really understand what’s trying to be said here.  Other than trying to “trick” the public into believing that you actually have an animal tearing out from your insides.  Perhaps someone would get it to represent being “animalistic” or perhaps they may be all calm on their exterior and have a wild beast literally screaming to be unleashed from inside their rear deltoid or from behind their spinal cord.

I suppose the notion of it is cool i.e. “cool piece of artwork made to look as though it’s actually tearing your skin”… but it doesn’t translate that way for me.  If you wanna create an optical illusion tattoo that makes someone do a double-take then try finding an artist good enough to do something like this:

While this is still a “tearing skin” tattoo it doesn’t have the same douchey qualities of a wild boar bursting from your skin… rather, it appears as though you had a horrible motorcycle accident in which your skin was raked off and *SURPRISE* you’ve got a Spiderman suit underneath there!  Well I’ll be derned…

Or this:

I’d wake up every morning screaming in fear that there was a spider on my foot big enough to cast a shadow…

Barbed Wire (Around The Bicep In Particular):

His muscle seems somewhat deflated… perhaps it was the barbed wire…

Other than Pamela Anderson… I’ve never seen this tattoo look even remotely cool on anyone else!  I believe that barbed wire was the first real cult tattoo (of my generation anyway).  I seem to remember when I was a young little jerk that a lot of people had it and I actually thought they were cool at the time! 

What happened?  Were you riding on your pet jaguar and got tangled in a fence line?  It screams “HELLO, I’M A DOUCHE”.

Superman Logo:

Not surprisingly… Googling “douchebag” brings up this guy…

Alright… I have a Marvel superhero leg sleeve so I’m not beyond wanting to get superhero stuff forever inked into my skin.  But for me,  if you’ve tattooed the superman logo on you and not just perhaps some artwork of Superman, then you’re conveying to the masses that YOU are Superman!  Who is Superman?  He’s the man of steel!  He can stop bullets with his eyeballs!  He can fly!  At the speed of light no less!  Jump tall building in a single bound and fart so hard it blows the toupee off your step-dad.  Are we all to assume, if you’ve gotten this tattoo, that you’re THAT cool!  No one is that cool my friend… not even you.

It’s also TOTALLY unoriginal.

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Now it’s your turn.  Agree with me.  Argue with me.  Offer your opinion on other tattoos.  Your two cents needed.

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20 responses to “Top Three Tattoos To Consider If You’re a Douche

  1. There was a day when you thought the scorpion was cool…all tattoos are douchey…or turn douchey after a couple of years.

    • I thought the scorpion was cool back before I knew any better… whereas I think I know a little better now.

      • Right. And ten years from now your opinion will change again. Hey! Maybe it’ll change in a way that you’ll think the scorpion is cool again.

        This is not a “reasoning” decision though…it is impulse.

        • In 10, 20, 30 and 40 years I’ll gradually begin to disentegrate, become wrinkley and scaley and be unable to hold back my flatulance in such a way I won’t give a damn how I look… whether there’s tattoos there or not.

  2. Agree? Disagree?

    I myself also have some “douche” tattoos, before I knew better. Although I don’t know that “douche” is a great word to decribe a chick.

    I *also* have a tribal scorpion tattoo. Who’d of thought that? I let some random boy put a homemade lizard tattoo on my ass when I was 15. (Covered that up, but not with anything great.) And I had a garfield tattoo. That wasn’t too douchy, but worth mentioning. Poor guy got sacrificed for my sleeve.

    I agree with the shark/dragon/large carnivorous animal tearing out of your skin being totally stupid. I have seen sooooo many of those.

    Barb wire = total dork.
    Superman = unoriginal, but not as bad as the other two, especially if it’s not on the chest like that.

    How about some dorky chick tattoos??

    A rose, especially if the stem is twisted into a heart shape and it’s on your ankle. *throw up*

    A butterfly, or some other “cute” bug (like a ladybug) on your ankle.

    Any kind of tribally-nothing-in-particular tattoo on your lower back. Seriously? Do people get those anymore? They scream “I am easy” or at least “I am stupid”. (Almost as bad as the homemade lizard-ass tattoo.)

    Of course, they would be even WORSE on a guy.

    • Holy cow. A lizard-ass tattoo… that’s great.

      • Yeah. I was 15. FIFTEEN. I thought it was “cool”. I realize looking back now, I really just wanted my mom to pay attention to me. She didn’t care one bit.

        And then I had it covered up, years later, with something I don’t even like. I was just soooo desparate to have it GO AWAY. There’s douchy tattoos done with actualy tattoo machines by actual artists. Then there’s “letting some boy with a needle and india ink scribble on your ass”.

        I wish I’d had parents that helped me learn to make good, grown up decisions.

        At least I can be a grown up now. 🙂

  3. Mama midwife knows whats up!! Tribally nothing in particular tattoo…otherwise known as a TRAMP STAMP and i despise them!!
    The rose..oh help me..seriously that was white trash 10 years ago and will continue to be white trash for eternity.
    I must also mention that I know a female that has ankle tatto with barbwire and hearts…NOT SO COOL.

    • Oh! I forgot the most douchy/stupid/i-suck tattoo out there:

      Your boyfiend/pimp’s/girlfriend’s name tattooed in script font on the side of your neck in the bluish/black india ink color. Ewwww.

  4. looks like full agreement. barbwire, tribal, and trying to b a super hero, or let animal rip out of ur body are douchie. i would say though unless its something u have wanted for a year don’t get it right away, wait, and look at it everyday see if u still like the design after months. but it ur in ur like late 20’s to 30’s do it. like u said ur body will be wrinkly and u won’t care what the picture was ur just trying not to poop ur self.

  5. Pingback: Top Three Tattoos To Consider If You're a Douche « Hands To War | Pamela Anderson

  6. I have zero tattoos, but I know someone who has a really bad superman tattoo on his ankle. It’s soo girlie. 🙂

    My sister has three on her back and she wore a opened back dress for her wedding. I’ve gotta admit that that took some guts with all the old people in the church! 🙂

  7. Whew, I don’t qualify as a douche bag. Oh wait…I don’t have any tattoo. Does that put me on the extreme end of the spectrum? LOL My wife is pushing for me to get inked and I can promise that this one is something you haven’t seen before. Can also promise that it won’t land me in that dreaded category. 😉

  8. White Kartrashian

    I see bewbs. But what i dont see is a balding skull w/ red eyes that is riding a motorcycle backwards…tattoo

  9. Not to be judgemental…ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …but seriously, SUPERMAN! Yeah, right!

    The Douchieness the likes of which UP’s never seen!

    UP

  10. And that is why I will never get a tattoo. They will ALL be douchy when you’re about 65.

    By the way, that spider tat is disgusting.

  11. You forgot about “Mr. Cool Ice.” He’s the douchiest!

    By the way, apparently WordPress sells based on keywords because you have an ad for Summer’s Eve on your blog. Either that or they just know you really well ;0).

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