“Excuse me sir… no dogs allowed in the airport.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I barked with the anger rising in my voice, “I know you’re not talking to me because I don’t even have a dog!”
“Well sir… then what do you call that on the end of the leash you’re holding there?” said the airport security guard.
“This?” I said, holding up the leash, “This? This is my kid asshole!”
“Oh. I’m sorry sir”, said the embarrassed officer, “I just saw the leash and assumed that there was a dog at the end of it! My sincere apologies sir!”
I didn’t care about his apologies, “I wanna speak to your manager!” I said.
I hope I got him fired.
If you were thinking that this was actually a story about me… then you must think I’m a real douche. I would NEVER in a million years put a leash on my kid! The above story is more of a fictional account of what I believed may have happened to a couple that Bunny and I saw during our layover in the Houston airport on the way back from Boca Raton about a month ago.
It had actually been several years since I’d seen a kid on a leash and this would mark the first time I could observe one of these “leash children” from a safe distance (airports are great to people watch) without making it too obvious I was scribbling notes, taking pictures and rolling videotape. It was a small boy in somewhat of a natural habitat who was hooked to the leash, probably about two or three years old. He had a crazy look in his eye… most little boys do. The kind of look that says, “I’m gonna embarrass the shit out of you in this highly crowded atmosphere… it’s a good thing you got me on a leash!” But you know what… I’ll be damned if once the parents sat down if they didn’t unhook that little guy!
“Oh no,” I said to Bunny, “All Hell is about to break loose… they just unhooked the leash kid!”
Bunny braced for an apocalyptic scene and I immediately started scanning the airport terminal for higher ground, “Those ‘arrival/departure’ monitors are pretty high up” I thought.
But you know what? There were no eviscerated airline stewardesses or decapitated pilots as a result of this kid being released! There was no marking of his territory or unabashed mating rituals! In fact, the kid was quite the normal two to three-year-old. He was a little hyper, ran around the terminal a little bit and actually made some of the other people waiting for their flight chuckle at his antics.
This got me thinking, “Why did those parents feel the need to put their kid on a leash?” Granted, I wasn’t THIS kids parents. He might have had some hyperactivity, head-exploding disorder or something. Maybe he had superpowers like “The Flash” or something so they had to keep him pinned down in order to make sure he didn’t run to China.
Or maybe they’re just lazy.
I think that if I ever got to talk to one of these “leash parents” then I’m sure I’d get some sort of dissention on their part. I believe they truly think that what they’re doing isn’t completely weird. They would probably say things like:
“You don’t know how crazy my kid gets!”
“Oh, she’s just misbehaves so much when we get out in public… the only way I can keep track of her is this leash!”
“Look here asshole, you take my kid for 24 hours and see if you don’t want to put him on a leash too!”
Quite simply, leashes are for dogs… not kids. If your kid is a crazy, homicidal maniac that can’t look at himself in the mirror without frothing at the mouth then perhaps you just shouldn’t go anywhere. Or perhaps you should start looking at yourself in the mirror… because that might be where the real problem is.
There’s something dreadfully wrong with this picture
I may have just started World War III.
And a video to help you come up with some thoughts: