Hi. My Name is Papa K… And I’m A Selective Listener


“Oh… when you go to the store, can you get some ‘honey turkey’?  We’re all out.”

“Sure thing babe, I’ll add it to the list.” I reply.

I carefully write “turkey” below “toilet paper”, “string cheese”, “colored ice cream cones” and the endless number of other things we “need”.

Upon my return from the black hole known as “Wal-Mart”, I unload the mountainous pile of groceries I’d so effortlessly funneled into my shopping cart, ran through the checkout and piled so delicately on top of each other in the back of our Toyota Sequoia.

My wife grabs the turkey I’d been in the deli meat line for fifteen minutes to obtain, tears a small piece off and pops it in her mouth and almost instantaneously formulates a completely horrific look upon her face.

“What is this?”  She unhappily blurts.

“It’s turkey!” I say.

“Uh… it’s disgusting!  On the label it says this is ‘smoked turkey’!  Didn’t you hear me say ‘honey turkey’?”

I smile sheepishly and my mind races. 

“What do I say?” I think to myself!  “Should I blame it on the deli-meat-slicer-guy?  Should I say they were all out and I got the next best thing?  Should I quickly change the subject?”

I go for the latter, “Look honey, I got your favorite toilet paper: Charmin!”

She looks at me through half-open eyes, “Babe.  We buy Cottenelle.”

Dammit.

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Not to sound ostentatious, but I think I’m a good husband, friend and all around cool dude.

But… I have a problem…

For some reason, I can’t remember what size eggs I’m supposed to get at the grocery store, what time DLG’s gymnastic practices are or where Bunny told me I could find that dress I’m supposed to return to Dillard’s for her.  Yet… I can remember what bra size she wears, which brand of jeans make her ass look incredible and how many home-runs Juan Gonzalez hit for the Texas Rangers in 1996.  It is an incredible phenomenon that I can remember how many inches of cleavage Bunny was showing me on our first date (three) but forget whether she told me to grab the dark green hair-bow or the lime green hair-bow for DLG!

This disability is a growing concern for me and my wife suffers the most.  I HONESTLY feel horrible about it.  For whatever reason, I’m unable to absorb THE DETAILS about anything that doesn’t pertain to boobs and baseball!

I know we’re supposed to be somewhere… but I’ve forgotten what time we’re supposed to be there!

I know I’m supposed to buy DLG a particular brand of diaper… I just can’t remember what brand it is!

I bring DLG’s sippy before our long car ride… but I forget to fill it with new milk!

I buy turkey at the grocery store… but I buy the wrong kind of turkey!

Do you see what I’m getting at?  In a humoristic way I’m admitting that I, Papa K, completely and totally select the things I want to remember!  I really have to make a conscious effort to remember the details!

So, switching gears, I know I joke about this, but I’m really honestly and genuinely asking all the other husbands (and wives) out there… do you have a problem with selective hearing as well?

Your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated!

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Don’t forget to ask me any questions you want!  Just comment after this post!  Answers coming this Tuesday (8/17).

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7 responses to “Hi. My Name is Papa K… And I’m A Selective Listener

  1. Listening is a skill that can be developed…if you want to take the time to learn. Caring is 95% of the skill and actual memory is the other 5%. Make listening, especially to your wife, #1 on your list while she is talking to you…and if something is going on to distract you (maybe she isn’t wearing a shirt) you have to tel her to wait so you can give her your undivided attention. Our whole generation tries to do three or four things at a time…it is called “multitasking.” But listening to someone is not a skill that can be shared.

    Trust me on this one.

  2. Absolutely! I remember exactly the things I concentrate hard enough on to remember. The rest gets chucked out almost immediately as irrelevant yapping from the background. Sometimes, however, I get busted for forgetting actual important things that I had categorized incorrectly as trash in my mind. I do believe these are the pieces of information of which you speak 🙂

  3. This is a big problem for me too. My mind grabs only the parts that I want to hear I guess.

    Maybe we should have a support group. You know, with beers and all…

  4. Well unfortunately this hits close to home, as forgetfulness is an all-too-common occurrence at the Thomas household. Just the other day I’m taking Mason with me to softball and Val was meeting us there. Along with his stuff, she also asked me to pack her a folding bag chair, which I of course forgot. She even wrote me a LIST! What’s worse, we were going to a birthday party for our friend’s 3 year old the very next day and what do you think I forgot to put in the car AGAIN just before leaving!

  5. What is the point of remembering anything more that sex and sports? When women ask “Why am I always the one who has to do these things?” the answer is “Because you are the only one who cares about them!”

  6. If it’s not a guy thing, then it’s definitely a Koenig thing. Tell Bunny I feel her frustration. Seriously. And after having to repeat everything I say to River about 5 times before she does what I say, repeating it to husband (and sometimes brother in law) is enough to drive a person mad. MAD I TELL YOU! It doesn’t mean that you’re not thoughtful and awesome in other ways. It’s just that sometimes you make us want to hit our head on the wall until blood drips from our ears. But we still love you!

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