To All Spiders: If You Come In My House I’m Gonna Have To Eff You Up

For those of you that don’t know… when I started the “Stay-at-home-dad” gig… I only partially left my job.  I was able to come away from my full-time salary position with a part-time, work-from-home hourly position.  Because my work-from-home position requires me to put in so many hours a week I’m usually reduced to recording most of those hours in the late evening time.  It’s not rare for me to work until 1AM once DLG has gone to bed. 

“Why are you telling me all this when this post is clearly about spiders?” you may be asking yourself.

“Well,” I’ll say, “First of all… shut up.  Second of all… I’m setting up my story about spiders!”

We good?  Alright… moving on.

It was during one of these late evenings  around 12:30 AM while I was perched on the floor, with my legs under the coffee table and my laptop sitting on top of the coffee table (yes, the same one I smashed with my ass) when I spotted movement with my overly sensitive perifial vision.  It was coming from in front of the fireplace.  I swiveled my head on its axis, also known in some circles as being called “a neck”, and very nearly lost control of my sphincter.

There, very creepily mind you, was a freakin’ spider the size of coin-purse walking its happy ass in my direction.

The thought “Oh balls that is a HUGE spider” had no sooner reached my brain than I had raised my six-foot frame on my two powerful hind legs as if I was a black bear mama protecting her babies from a hunter who accidentally stumbled onto her den. 

I didn’t see the look in the spiders six beady little eyes but I could tell by his immediate reaction to my sudden defensive stance that  he was startled too as to why this giant creature was now pearing down at him.  “What… the… EFF IS THAT!!!!” I could almost hear him scream.

We both momentarily stood there staring each other down contemplating our next move.  After a few seconds of running through our options, he made the first move: a maneuver called “I’m going to get the hell out of here before that giant thing smashes me”.

Unfortunately for him… it didn’t work out so well.  I was initially impressed at how fast he tried to get back to the fireplace from whence he came but I reaped the benefit of having several magazines within an arms length of where I was.  While I’m sure I may have given him a fleeting moment of hope that he was going to be able to escape… that moment of hope was quickly dashed after I ceased his existence by giving his hairy frame a massive amount of internal and external trauma with the most recent double-issue of “Entertainment Weekly”.

Upon closer inspection of his lifeless (yet still momentarily twitching) body, I was able to discern that it was not what I feared it may have been: a Brown Recluse. 


If he had only given me more time to study the shape and color of his ass… it may have killed my sense of urgency to splatter his organs all over Harry Potters face (who appeared on the cover of Entertainment Weekly) and provided him with the few extra milliseconds it would have taken to escape to the fireplace and through whatever hole it is that these spiders keep crawling through to get into my house!  But I doubt it.

You see… if you’re a spider and you decide to come into my house… all bets are off buddy.  Your ass is grass homeboy.

Now, if you’re chillin’ in your natural habitat, which can even include THE BRICK WALLS OUTSIDE MY HOUSEI’m not going to crumple your body within the confines of an aloe-infused Kleenex.  This is because you are where you belong: outside my house.  Once you cross the threshold of what’s considered outside to what’s considered inside my house… there’s a bounty on your ugly head.  Consider yourself squished.

Let this be a warning to all you spiders out there reading this… this will be the last thing you see:


Does anyone else hate spiders or have a good spider story?


14 responses to “To All Spiders: If You Come In My House I’m Gonna Have To Eff You Up

  1. *heavy sigh* I wish more people didn’t kill things just because they are scared of/grossed out by them.

    Oh well, I guess I still love you ;P

  2. A GOOD spider story? Isn’t that a contradiction in terms? Or adjectives?

    You know only too well of our ongoing drama of “Arachnidology” – most particularly the dreaded *shiver* brown recluse. I just LOVE leaning over the tub getting ready to fill it and settle in for a nice hot soak and there preening him/herself near the faucet (or worse, behind the shower curtain) is a gee-gi-dantic recluse, not being at all reclusive. At that point, I have to agree with you that squishing is inevitable. Sorry Molly, but I am NOT going to get a clean jar and scoop the critter up and release him to the wild. He will somehow find his way back into my drain and by then, he will be MUCH bigger than a coin purse.

  3. I have never really had a fear of spiders until moving to Oklahoma. Growing up in Wyoming, there are no brown recluse spiders up there, they do have black widows but those are much much easier to spot. As a child I would pick the spider up and put them outside, saving them from death. However after moving to Oklahoma and hearing about the dreaded brown recluse and what its venom can do to you, all spiders seem to look alike to me now and I don’t waste any time trying to figure out what kind it is.
    I do have one semi-funny story about a spider. When I was living in my apartment, I was walking up to my door one night and I see this huge spider on the sidewalk. He looked friendly enough, so I let him live. After all, he was in his outside space, minding his own business. I went inside, put in the movie that I had just rented and laid on the floor to watch it. About 20 minutes later, something caught my eye and I turn around and that damn spider was sitting right there on the floor just a few feet away from me! I got up, grabbed my shoe and actually said out loud to the spider, ‘you had your chance and you blew it’ SMASH!
    After that I moved to the couch…no more laying on the floor for me!

    • Yes. Especially during the summer… i enjoyed laying on the floor. Now, unless I want a spider crawling across my forehead, I’ve taken up camping on the couch

  4. I totally think you played this as maturely as you possibly could. I mean… spiders are really not pretty creatures… and they are creepy.

    I am always scared to swat at them though, because one time, I was with my friend, and he went to kill the spider… and it was pregnant and he smashed it and all these itty bitty spiders come jetting out of the big one…

    I will never be the same

  5. Oh, do I have a spider story for you. It was epic. So epic, I wrote an epic about it. You ready? It’s called An Epic Battle Between Gucci and Evil. Here it is.

    Read at your own risk.

    Glad you survived your encounter. Phew.

  6. Now that’s one hell of a maniacal look you’ve got there! And where are the spider guts on the mag? Or, I guess if he was still twitching then it must have been slightly less violent. Anyway, I have the same rule. I usually try to save the small spiders because they don’t scare me, but the big ones? Yeah, no. They gotta die!

  7. Bugs, spiders, snakes – invade myspace and die!

    Seriously, “the bug must die”.

    Also, a spider bit my ass once, i still have a scar!



  8. agreed spiders must die if they think they are coming in to live with me and not pay rent. ghaaa last yr in cuba mad big spider blocked my path to the condo the security laugh cause i had my friend wrangle that little dog size spider off the path. hey if it can shake my hand and welcome to cuba then its got to go the other way

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