To All Spiders: If You Come In My House I’m Gonna Have To Eff You Up

For those of you that don’t know… when I started the “Stay-at-home-dad” gig… I only partially left my job.  I was able to come away from my full-time salary position with a part-time, work-from-home hourly position.  Because my work-from-home position requires me to put in so many hours a week I’m usually reduced to recording most of those hours in the late evening time.  It’s not rare for me to work until 1AM once DLG has gone to bed. 

“Why are you telling me all this when this post is clearly about spiders?” you may be asking yourself.

“Well,” I’ll say, “First of all… shut up.  Second of all… I’m setting up my story about spiders!”

We good?  Alright… moving on.

It was during one of these late evenings  around 12:30 AM while I was perched on the floor, with my legs under the coffee table and my laptop sitting on top of the coffee table (yes, the same one I smashed with my ass) when I spotted movement with my overly sensitive perifial vision.  It was coming from in front of the fireplace.  I swiveled my head on its axis, also known in some circles as being called “a neck”, and very nearly lost control of my sphincter.

There, very creepily mind you, was a freakin’ spider the size of coin-purse walking its happy ass in my direction.

The thought “Oh balls that is a HUGE spider” had no sooner reached my brain than I had raised my six-foot frame on my two powerful hind legs as if I was a black bear mama protecting her babies from a hunter who accidentally stumbled onto her den. 

I didn’t see the look in the spiders six beady little eyes but I could tell by his immediate reaction to my sudden defensive stance that  he was startled too as to why this giant creature was now pearing down at him.  “What… the… EFF IS THAT!!!!” I could almost hear him scream.

We both momentarily stood there staring each other down contemplating our next move.  After a few seconds of running through our options, he made the first move: a maneuver called “I’m going to get the hell out of here before that giant thing smashes me”.

Unfortunately for him… it didn’t work out so well.  I was initially impressed at how fast he tried to get back to the fireplace from whence he came but I reaped the benefit of having several magazines within an arms length of where I was.  While I’m sure I may have given him a fleeting moment of hope that he was going to be able to escape… that moment of hope was quickly dashed after I ceased his existence by giving his hairy frame a massive amount of internal and external trauma with the most recent double-issue of “Entertainment Weekly”.

Upon closer inspection of his lifeless (yet still momentarily twitching) body, I was able to discern that it was not what I feared it may have been: a Brown Recluse. 

*SHIVER*

If he had only given me more time to study the shape and color of his ass… it may have killed my sense of urgency to splatter his organs all over Harry Potters face (who appeared on the cover of Entertainment Weekly) and provided him with the few extra milliseconds it would have taken to escape to the fireplace and through whatever hole it is that these spiders keep crawling through to get into my house!  But I doubt it.

You see… if you’re a spider and you decide to come into my house… all bets are off buddy.  Your ass is grass homeboy.

Now, if you’re chillin’ in your natural habitat, which can even include THE BRICK WALLS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE… I’m not going to crumple your body within the confines of an aloe-infused Kleenex.  This is because you are where you belong: outside my house.  Once you cross the threshold of what’s considered outside to what’s considered inside my house… there’s a bounty on your ugly head.  Consider yourself squished.

Let this be a warning to all you spiders out there reading this… this will be the last thing you see:

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Does anyone else hate spiders or have a good spider story?