It Seems I Ain’t No Spring Chicken Any More


My back is killing me.

Before we were married, I used this same back to help Bunny move her washer and dryer out of her apartment and into a new apartment ALL BY MYSELF.

I used this same back to help my father clear the pastureland on our 301 acre farm back home by throwing huge branches he’d just cut down into a rapidly growing brush pile.

It was with this same back that I flipped a 530lb tire over four times in a strong man competition.

It was with this same back that helped me lift countless weight in the gym since I was thirteen years old.

This back helped me throw an 85 MPH fastball as a sophomore in high school.

This back has been there for me the last 30+ years when I’ve needed it the most.

Now… it must be really pissed at me for never giving it enough credit.  It doesn’t even let me get out of bed in the morning without making me ooze out of bed like I’m 90 years old!  Or bend over to snatch clean dishes from the dishwasher without grimacing like I’ve just stepped on a tack!  Or walk like I’m pretending to carry a watermelon between my knees!  Or take a dump without having the most spectacular posture anyone in the history of the world has ever had while taking a dump!

I very stupidly have tried to push through the pain as though it was nothing more than an annoyance to my daily activities.  Usually after I took some ibuprofen and stretched out a bit… it would feel a little better.  So what would I do?  Well… I would do something like break the coffee table with my bubble butt or rearrange the furniture or mow the lawn as fast as I could or awkwardly yank DLG out of her car seat because I didn’t want to take the time to better position myself where it wouldn’t strain my back.

The result of all this is me barely being able to lay DLG into bed without holding back the urge to yelp in pain.

I’m about to turn 31 and beginning to realize the superhuman ability I used to have that enabled me to recover from seemingly minor injuries in under 24 hours… is rapidly starting to dissipate.  I’ve been waiting over two weeks for the pain in my back to magically disappear when I get up in the morning and it hasn’t happened.

You may not realize this… but one of the prerequisites of being a full-time Dad is to have a fully functioning back.  Without it, you won’t be able to fling your kid in the air to their never-ending delight or crawl into the tunnels in the Chick-Fil-A play area to snatch your kid when they won’t cooperate or comfortably complete the simplest task of picking them up to kiss their boo-boo when they’ve hurt themself.

I wish it was the year 3010 so I could just purchase a new robotic back that included a jet-pack but since I’m stuck with the one I got then I guess I better start learning to take better care of it.  I’m gonna start by 4-wheeling to the nearest doctors office.

Healthy back = more moments like this

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6 responses to “It Seems I Ain’t No Spring Chicken Any More

  1. dude u were in a strong man competition? very cool.yea backs are trick things but sad to say it comes with age … not that i would know (so far) my back is holding in there. but welcome to the 30’s its a fun time of watching your self getting to be like your parents and talking about ale ments and what meds your on for the thing u always talk about with your friends.

  2. I was in gymnastics for 100 years and also on the powerlifting team in high school. Back issues caught up with me, too. Sucks. I hurt my back last week bending over to straighten a door mat. Real cool and smooth.

  3. Here’s an analogy for you. Your body is like a car. Eating well is fueling your car, exercise is like driving your car well. When your car breaks down you take it to a mechanic(specialist). If you never do any kind of “body work” ie. massage or some other form of therapy how can you NOT expect your body(car) to break down?

  4. It doesn’t get any better as you get older. Good to get it taken care of now.

  5. Just go to a friggin Chiropractor already! One that has a good massage therapist working in their office. Then start working out your abs again. Not necessarily for looks (though Bunny might like that side effect), but because without strong abdominal muscles, you cannot support your spine. So take care of yourself! 🙂

    • Yes yes I know… I’ve already started going to a chiropractor AND a massage therapist… I’m a stubborn buffoon… what can I say…

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