It’s been a rough day.
First of all, when I got up this morning, I realized that my DVR did not record “Quick Pitch”, a daily one-hour show that records late at night recapping all the Major League Baseball Games that had aired the night before.
Then… I came to find out we were out of Rice Krispies.
Then… I had an accident in my pants.
Then I cried an endless waterfall of tears.
“It’s gonna be one of those days!” I thought to myself, “Good thing I got this”!
I reached into my pocket and drew out my best trusted friend to whom I resort to when days begin to look as though they’re sliding into the pit of Hades: a faded green pacifier.
“Hello old friend” I said as I cradled it gingerly almost expecting it to respond back to me. “When everything else fails… I can always depend on you!” I said as I popped the bulb of the pacifier in-between my lips and then began frantically sucking away the pain of the day.
You may think this is strange and ask me, “Why are you, A GROWN MAN, sucking on a pacifier?” Well… my mother never weaned me off of it and before she knew it I had moved out of the house using my “Nub Nub” to help get me through the stressful moments in life.
Who was there for my end of semester finals? Nub Nub.
Who was there when my college girlfriend broke up with me? Nub Nub.
Who was there after I killed that hobo and feared I was going to get caught? Nub Nub.
Who’s been there through 11 years of the Texas Rangers not being in the playoffs? Nub Nub
Watching close games stress me out. Who’s there for me? Nub Nub.
So… you can imagine the kind of rift this created in my relationship with Bunny when I pulled Nub Nub out after our first major argument.
“What are you doing? Is that… a pacifier?”
“NO! THITH ITH NUB NUB!! AND HETH THE ONLY ONE WHO CARETH ABOUT ME!!” I screamed around Nub Nub who I held so delicately between my teeth.
“HA! Are you a man… or are you a baby?” she responded while simultaneously yanking Nub Nub between my pursed lips.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Give it back poo-poo face!” I screamed again before close-lining her then slamming her to the floor in order to wrench Nub Nub from her vice-like grip. I sure as hell knew that I wasn’t no baby!
So don’t judge me. I may be the largest person you’ve ever seen sucking on a pacifier… but it’s my own business. My mommy never told me I had to give it up… so I’ll give it up when I’m ready.
Post Post Disclaimer: if you didn’t notice my complete and total sarcasm… then you are indeed a complete moron.
On a more serious note: what’s your thought on pacifiers? Should kids be allowed to decide when they don’t want a pacifier any more? Or should there be some rules established i.e. “only a nap-time” or “only at bed-time” or “pretty much whenever they scream loud enough?” Or do you have no rules i.e. “Let them suck on that thing until they’re 30 years old… like Papa K!”
I’m interested on starting a heated debate… make my wishes come true.