Phoenix Blade: Now Taking Calls

I have a small obsession with the superhero genre.  Superheroes are everything I’m not: smart, good-looking, strong, able to wear skin-tight outfits and still look good, full of themselves… wait, I’m all those things too.  I guess the only difference between me and superheroes are their super-freakin’-powers!!

Case in point:

Human Torch: 

Can fly and catch fire


Can climb up the sides of buildings, make webs, spider strength, spider senses, extraordinary angst, etc.

The Hulk: 

Super strength, becomes green, pants expand without ripping off


Shape-shifter yet chooses to remain a hot blue chick!!

Emma Frost:

Able to wear beverage napkins over her no-no spots without them falling off!!


Able to have 8 babies AT ONE TIME!!  Also… giant lips.

Verne Troyer: 

Can stay short forever!  Stronger than a shoe!

 I’m tired of being nobody!  I want to change the world!  I want to leap tall buildings in a single bound!  I want to have super strength!  I want to rescue kidnapped babies from evil masterminds!  I want crush a piece of coal between my buttcheeks and make a diamond!  I want to pee so hard it knocks the urinal clean off the wall in the mall bathroom!

So how do you become a superhero?  Usually it’s with toxic waste, evolution, radiation or some complete robotic makeover because you’re rich and/or brilliant and/or the beneficiary of some random new medical procedure that hasn’t been approved to use on humans yet.

So do I have any:

–          Toxic waste?  Nope.

–          Evolutionary evolved mutant ability?  I just turned 30… they would have manifested before now I would think.  So… no.

–          Robotic makeover capabilities?  I am neither rich nor brilliant and don’t thing my chances are REAL good at getting picked for an illegal, robotic surgical procedure.  So that idea’s out the window.

–          Radiation?  Hmmmm… will micro waves work?

Holy balls… IT WORKED!!!

Uh oh… I feel a little queasy… yet… strangely… different!?  My stomach… it hurts!  It’s clenching up on me!!

Uh… wow.  Where did those come from?

Hmmmmmm… I should make a costume…

Ladies and gentlemen… I am no longer Papa K… but “THE PHOENIX BLADE”!


So all this time… all I had to do was stick my head in my microwave to harness all the powers of the universe?  What took me so long to microwave my head?  Well it doesn’t matter…  I guess after I’m done flexing my new muscles I’m going to go save someone.

Anyone need saving?  Anyone?

Alright… I know it’s Friday so all the bad guys are taking the evening off so if anyone needs me you can either yell, “HELP ME PHOENIX BLADE” and I’ll hear you with my new supersonic hearing or I’ll just sense it with my new heightened awareness or you can flash this in the sky:

I’m off to make diamonds by crushing coal between my ass-cheeks now.  If you need me… probably the best way to get my attention is to flash the sign.


10 responses to “Phoenix Blade: Now Taking Calls

  1. You are creative. The Octo-mom picture was grotesque, could have done without that!

  2. Didn’t I tell you a millyun times you were letting your hair grow TOO long???? Now look at it! And…don’t be buying too many skin-tight outfits right now.

    Btw, I laughed…a lot.

  3. I will save Phoenix Blade #1 in hopes it becomes a wanted collectors item..

  4. You might need to save yourself if any group of villians decides to break into your ass for a diamond heist.

  5. That had me laughing so hard! My sister and I were just talking a few weeks ago about what super power we’d have. I’m thinking I’ll pass on yours…!

  6. Phoenix Blade!? That, my friend, is unique! Microwaves work for EVERYTHING, and cooking.

  7. Unfortunately, while most other ways to obtain Superpowers also bless you with long life, radiation just gives you cancer. Enjoy your new Superpowers! You just cut 50 years off your life, so you’ll get to be a Superhero for about 5 years. Live it up!

  8. I wanna be friends with Emma Frost…cartoon or no…In fact, you can throw Mystique in there also, just to mix things up a bit!

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