I have a small obsession with the superhero genre. Superheroes are everything I’m not: smart, good-looking, strong, able to wear skin-tight outfits and still look good, full of themselves… wait, I’m all those things too. I guess the only difference between me and superheroes are their super-freakin’-powers!!
Case in point:
Can fly and catch fire
Can climb up the sides of buildings, make webs, spider strength, spider senses, extraordinary angst, etc.
Super strength, becomes green, pants expand without ripping off
Shape-shifter yet chooses to remain a hot blue chick!!
Able to wear beverage napkins over her no-no spots without them falling off!!
Able to have 8 babies AT ONE TIME!! Also… giant lips.
Can stay short forever! Stronger than a shoe!
I’m tired of being nobody! I want to change the world! I want to leap tall buildings in a single bound! I want to have super strength! I want to rescue kidnapped babies from evil masterminds! I want crush a piece of coal between my buttcheeks and make a diamond! I want to pee so hard it knocks the urinal clean off the wall in the mall bathroom!
So how do you become a superhero? Usually it’s with toxic waste, evolution, radiation or some complete robotic makeover because you’re rich and/or brilliant and/or the beneficiary of some random new medical procedure that hasn’t been approved to use on humans yet.
So do I have any:
– Toxic waste? Nope.
– Evolutionary evolved mutant ability? I just turned 30… they would have manifested before now I would think. So… no.
– Robotic makeover capabilities? I am neither rich nor brilliant and don’t thing my chances are REAL good at getting picked for an illegal, robotic surgical procedure. So that idea’s out the window.
– Radiation? Hmmmm… will micro waves work?
Holy balls… IT WORKED!!!
Uh oh… I feel a little queasy… yet… strangely… different!? My stomach… it hurts! It’s clenching up on me!!
Uh… wow. Where did those come from?
Hmmmmmm… I should make a costume…
Ladies and gentlemen… I am no longer Papa K… but “THE PHOENIX BLADE”!
So all this time… all I had to do was stick my head in my microwave to harness all the powers of the universe? What took me so long to microwave my head? Well it doesn’t matter… I guess after I’m done flexing my new muscles I’m going to go save someone.
Anyone need saving? Anyone?
Alright… I know it’s Friday so all the bad guys are taking the evening off so if anyone needs me you can either yell, “HELP ME PHOENIX BLADE” and I’ll hear you with my new supersonic hearing or I’ll just sense it with my new heightened awareness or you can flash this in the sky:
I’m off to make diamonds by crushing coal between my ass-cheeks now. If you need me… probably the best way to get my attention is to flash the sign.