You know what is one of my most favorite things to do? It’s sitting in any dressing room with my wife as she tries on new clothes.
Maybe it has something to do with having to take off clothes in order to try on new clothes!? The only times I really get to sit and watch my wife take off her clothes is when (1) we’re going to make a baby, (2) we’re going to practice making a baby or (3) she just spilled a mountain of spaghetti sauce all over herself. So, two out of three times, I’m going to see some action once clothes are removed. Watching her try on clothes in the dressing room is an opportunity to sit there and watch her undress, get dressed and then undress over and over again. It screws with my instincts. My brain knows that nothing’s going to happen… but my body starts gettin’ all excited!
I imagine myself looking something like this… except not quite as hideously disgusting
This battle between my brain and my flesh usually results in me just staring, in a trance, as my wife as she asks me, “How’s this look?” or “Does this make my butt look weird?” or (my favorite) “Is this too tight?”
“BA DOO BLORK BA DA DEE BA!” is my usual response to all these questions. The blood being drained from my brain to supply elsewhere has rendered my mouth about as helpless as gnat in a sumo wrestling match.
I’m getting off course… that’s not what I really was trying to write about.
Anyway… it just so happened that I was with Bunny in a Macy’s dressing room and currently in one of these trances when DLG’s little voice shattered all the enjoyment I was currently soaking in.
“I have to go poo-poo.” She said.
Bunny and I have really started working hard with DLG on her potty training and the fact that she was telling us that she had to go potty in a public place was a big step.
“Oh babe,” Bunny said as she was in the middle of undressing and while I was in the middle of soaking it all in, “She has to go poop… will you take her?”
Before she was even done asking me to take DLG to the bathroom I had snatched her up, felt her diaper (to see if she had gone already) and was out the door with all the necessities. You see, I have probably more invested in getting DLG potty trained than Bunny does. Since I’m the stay-at-home parent, the quicker she gets potty trained then the quicker I don’t have to change diapers all the time!
I ran to a Macy’s employee, “Where is the men’s bathroom?”
“Uh,” said the half-dead employee, “There’s a woman’s bathroom down here but the men’s bathroom is upstairs next to the ‘insert something I don’t remember here‘ through the ‘insert something else I don’t remember here‘”.
Not hearing where exactly she said the bathroom was other than it was “upstairs”… I charged up escalator and frantically ran around from department to department looking for THE MEN’S BATHROOM! After finally locating it through a maze of kitchenware and creatively displayed mattress comforters… I blasted through the door while simultaneously digging through the diaper bag in an effort to find some wipes. Upon opening the door to THE ONLY STALL in the bathroom I threw up in my mouth a little. The toilet was covered in shit. Not just on the inside… but on the outside. Who craps on the outside of the toilet?
Needless to say, I wasn’t about to sit my little one on a shit-stained toilet. It was too late anyway. In the time it took me to find the bathroom DLG had pooped her pants. I just wasn’t sure if she still had to go or not.
So I decided I would go ahead and change her diaper since I was already in the bathroom. But, as it turned out, THERE WAS NO CHANGING TABLE!!!
There wasn’t even a “Turd Station”!
W… T… F!!!
What year is it? 1890?
Last time I checked dads have been a little more involved in the “changing diapers in public” scene than they were 110 years ago. Macy’s must not be on to this movement yet.
I bet this is the first time this guy has even met his kids… never mind changing their diapers…
To make them aware of the fact that there was no changing table, I went out and changed DLG’s diaper full of poop on one of their beds they had so eloquently placed their designer pillows, 1000-thread count bedsheet and “Bordeaux” style comforter.
That’s what they get.
Sooooooooo… you can afford a giant Spongebob Squarepants balloon but you can’t afford a changing table in the men’s bathroom?
Go to Hell Macy’s.
Have you ever been somewhere where they didn’t have a changing table for you and it was extremely inconvenient?