You know what is one of my most favorite things to do? It’s sitting in any dressing room with my wife as she tries on new clothes.
Maybe it has something to do with having to take off clothes in order to try on new clothes!? The only times I really get to sit and watch my wife take off her clothes is when (1) we’re going to make a baby, (2) we’re going to practice making a baby or (3) she just spilled a mountain of spaghetti sauce all over herself. So, two out of three times, I’m going to see some action once clothes are removed. Watching her try on clothes in the dressing room is an opportunity to sit there and watch her undress, get dressed and then undress over and over again. It screws with my instincts. My brain knows that nothing’s going to happen… but my body starts gettin’ all excited!
I imagine myself looking something like this… except not quite as hideously disgusting
This battle between my brain and my flesh usually results in me just staring, in a trance, as my wife as she asks me, “How’s this look?” or “Does this make my butt look weird?” or (my favorite) “Is this too tight?”
“BA DOO BLORK BA DA DEE BA!” is my usual response to all these questions. The blood being drained from my brain to supply elsewhere has rendered my mouth about as helpless as gnat in a sumo wrestling match.
I’m getting off course… that’s not what I really was trying to write about.
Anyway… it just so happened that I was with Bunny in a Macy’s dressing room and currently in one of these trances when DLG’s little voice shattered all the enjoyment I was currently soaking in.
“I have to go poo-poo.” She said.
Bunny and I have really started working hard with DLG on her potty training and the fact that she was telling us that she had to go potty in a public place was a big step.
“Oh babe,” Bunny said as she was in the middle of undressing and while I was in the middle of soaking it all in, “She has to go poop… will you take her?”
Before she was even done asking me to take DLG to the bathroom I had snatched her up, felt her diaper (to see if she had gone already) and was out the door with all the necessities. You see, I have probably more invested in getting DLG potty trained than Bunny does. Since I’m the stay-at-home parent, the quicker she gets potty trained then the quicker I don’t have to change diapers all the time!
I ran to a Macy’s employee, “Where is the men’s bathroom?”
“Uh,” said the half-dead employee, “There’s a woman’s bathroom down here but the men’s bathroom is upstairs next to the ‘insert something I don’t remember here‘ through the ‘insert something else I don’t remember here‘”.
Not hearing where exactly she said the bathroom was other than it was “upstairs”… I charged up escalator and frantically ran around from department to department looking for THE MEN’S BATHROOM! After finally locating it through a maze of kitchenware and creatively displayed mattress comforters… I blasted through the door while simultaneously digging through the diaper bag in an effort to find some wipes. Upon opening the door to THE ONLY STALL in the bathroom I threw up in my mouth a little. The toilet was covered in shit. Not just on the inside… but on the outside. Who craps on the outside of the toilet?
Needless to say, I wasn’t about to sit my little one on a shit-stained toilet. It was too late anyway. In the time it took me to find the bathroom DLG had pooped her pants. I just wasn’t sure if she still had to go or not.
So I decided I would go ahead and change her diaper since I was already in the bathroom. But, as it turned out, THERE WAS NO CHANGING TABLE!!!
There wasn’t even a “Turd Station”!
W… T… F!!!
What year is it? 1890?
Last time I checked dads have been a little more involved in the “changing diapers in public” scene than they were 110 years ago. Macy’s must not be on to this movement yet.
I bet this is the first time this guy has even met his kids… never mind changing their diapers…
To make them aware of the fact that there was no changing table, I went out and changed DLG’s diaper full of poop on one of their beds they had so eloquently placed their designer pillows, 1000-thread count bedsheet and “Bordeaux” style comforter.
That’s what they get.
Sooooooooo… you can afford a giant Spongebob Squarepants balloon but you can’t afford a changing table in the men’s bathroom?
Go to Hell Macy’s.
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Have you ever been somewhere where they didn’t have a changing table for you and it was extremely inconvenient?
Who Is Papa K? 
Chris, you bring up a great point. I have a friend going through a visitation battle with his baby whom he fathered out of wedlock with someone he was bein “casual” with. He has found that courts now recognize fathers as having JUST as much right as the mother, so long as they are fit and able to care for the child.
So Macy’s needs to get with it, because daddys have just as much involvement these days as mommys. I shall cease shopping there in your honor 😉
I have been many places where the restroom is completely inconvenient and with a potty training child, I almost wish they made a potty that folded up and fit in my purse.
We might be onto something!
Actually Billie… THEY DO! Bunny found one at some consignment sale. It is a toilet seat that folds up and fits in a diaper bag! I was going to use it of course but the toilet in Macy’s was covered in shit.
OMG I’m laughing my ass off right now. You are too funny!!!
Thanks Texasn Mama!! Hope yuh keep on comin’ back now yuh hear!!
There are several things I can’t get over here, because they just don’t relate to my world at all. You…you…go…shopping? With your wife? And you don’t, like, bitch constantly? You’re NICE to her in the store? That is just so damn beautiful I’m tearing up over here.
And…and…you change diapers? Like, for real?
Do you have a brother? Perhaps a clone?
I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry. You are so like my hubs in so many ways!
And here I thought only women were disgusting. WTH?
That is horrible. That you missed out on some naked viewing.
I mean that your kid had to crap her pants. That totally sucks.
I agree now a days even mens rest rooms have accomidations for changing babies.
I would write a letter to Macys.
Great story. Loved it. I also saw my future flash before my eyes as my little man is about 18-months-old so the potty training and all the joy that it brings will be starting sooner than I am probably ready for.
Hey Matthew!! Thanks for commenting and reading!
You should have just took her to the Womans and said go to hell to anyone who gave you shit about it. Would have been cleaner.
Next time have your little one take a shit in the corner of the dressing room.
She’ll have fun, and you’ll make your statement.
Voila!
Chris your blog kills me! You spill the truth and are honest and its awesome..i wish more men would do stuff like this. Its awesome!! Keep it up!
Hey Emyloo!!! You comment kills me!! Thanks so much for reading!! C’mon back now!!
I know that when River was still in diapers, Paul HATED taking her into ANY men’s room, because there NEVER was a changing table. Sexist Capitalists. He had to lie that changing pad down on some disgusting floors (in tiny stalls), that’s for sure. Now that she’s potty trained, it’s really not that much better, because the men’s rooms are always gross! Shit ALL OVER the toilet, like you said!! WHAT is up with that?! Don’t men know that while they don’t have to sit to piss, they really should to take a crap?
Stupid Macy’s. At least SOME places (IKEA) have FAMILY restrooms now, where you can take your kid in, whether you’re the mom OR dad! They even have little tiny toilets at kid’s level.
I will tell you, that I MY biggest pet peeve is when River has to potty, and I go into a place and they say they don’t have a bathroom. Really. They think we believe them? Are they all wearing diapers? Or are they not allowed to eat or drink while on shift, so they don’t have to use the restroom? Liars. We were downtown Portland one day, when River claimed she had to go ‘little poops’ (pee), we had to speed walk a good 4 blocks to get to the public plaza, I went over to Nordstroms (who are usually pretty good), there was a lady at the door, and she said we couldn’t use the restroom because they JUST closed. Yes, it was 6:00 on the dot (this was a Sunday), and she suggested I go across the street to the Starbucks on the square, that they had a bathroom. So I walked across the street, and didn’t see one, there was a huge line, but I was able to ask where their bathroom was. She said they didn’t have one, they used the one downstairs in the Visitor’s Center, but that it was closed now. She suggested I go across the street to Nordstrom’s. By then the lady at the door was safely behind her cash register, and the doors were locked. I was so angry, and River was dancing the Pee Dance. So I pulled her pants down and held her above their giant flower pots in front of Starbucks to let it loose. Kind of like that scene in Big Daddy when they won’t let him use the restroom in the restaurant, so they pee on the wall outside the restaurant. If they won’t let a 3 year old use their bathroom, it just means they will have to clean it up somewhere else.
Which reminds me: If you don’t have a potty seat in your car, put one in now. They will save your more often than not. 10 minutes after you leave the house, and you are in the middle of nowhere, you will hear, “I have to go potty”. You will have to pull over to the side of the road and a potty seat sure comes in handy. Holding little girls up off the ground without getting pee on them or you is REALLY hard.
Guess what I’m saying is that no changing tables is the beginning of gross adventures in Potty Land. And we understand your plight.
“Little Poops”… that’s funny.
Putting a potty in the car is a good idea… we might just do that.