Do you know the first time I knew I was a full-blown heterosexual male?
I was five and in kindergarten.
I honest to God don’t remember her name and I only have this picture of her:
At the time, for some reason, the kindergarten I attended had two kindergarten teachers… I’ll let you guess on which one I had a crush on.
Yep. Not the dark-haired one.
We’ll call her, “Ms. Badonk” since I can’t remember her name.
Now, when I was five, Ms. Badonk was so fresh and so clean that I would have gladly ate all the glue in class just to get her to pay attention to me more than the other kids. In the above picture… I had just competed in the Kindergarten talent show. I had done some magic I’d learned.
“And now… I will make Ms. BaDonk love me!”
From what I can remember (I’ve smoked a lot of crack since then), Ms. BaDonk was so proud of me and my incredible magic that she asked my mother if it would be okay if she took me to the strip club she worked at on weekends for a drink. My mother emphatically answered “no” and reported Ms. BaDonk to school officials. I never saw Ms. BaDonk again… but man I loved her with as much passion a five-year-old could muster.