Barney The Purple Dinosaur: The True Hollywood Story


If you Google, “What kind of dinosaur is Barney The Big Purple Gay Ass Dinosaur” you’ll find out that at one time he came from a tribe of dinosaurs known as “Tyrannosaurus Rex” that roamed the Earth during the late Cretaceous period an estimated 92 million years ago.  This dinosaur was responsible for eating countless other dinosaurs, reaking havoc on a colossal scale and may just have been the main cause for the extinction of all dinosaurs when they ate everything on the planet including each other.  The “T. Rex”, as it’s more commonly called, weighed 5-7 TONS and was known for its fiery temper.  The T. Rex’s serrated teeth were most likely used to pierce and grip flesh, which it then ripped away with its brawny neck muscles.  Some idiots maintain that he was able to eat up to 500 pounds in A SINGLE BITE!!

Barney was born into this fearsome tribe of dinosaurs but from the get-go he was always a little… different:

“Son… get that dumb ass hat off your head RIGHT NOW!” was a common phrase coming from the steel jaws of Barney’s mother.

Barney the Tyrannosaurus Rex didn’t like to rip the flesh from a still living (yet slowly dying from massive blood loss) Edmontosaurus or Triceratops!  He wanted to sing.  He wanted to dance.  He wanted to count to seven in creative ways!  Most of all he wanted to jump high in the air and say “SUPER-D-DUPER!” then giggle in an incessantly after doing so.

This did not amuse anyone.

His classmates at “Eviscerate and Decapitate Elementary” made fun of him for his gentle ways.  Sometimes the bullying was so extreme they would toss him the shallow graves of recently consumed Anatotitan body parts that were deemed unhealthy to eat.

His parents, ever the ruthless and demonic dinosaurs they were, didn’t like that he didn’t like to eat other living things or that he seemed to be headed down a path of unimaginable passiveness.  So, going against every fiber of their being, they decided not put him out of his misery by consuming him and instead released him into the wild and let nature take its course against the gentle, incredibly annoying dinosaur they’d somehow spawned.

Barney, feeling the pressure to conform to the way society was at that time, decided to speed up nature’s process by going on his own terms… and pitched himself off a cliff into the icy waters known now as the Pacific ocean. 

What can only be described as a miracle, Barney somehow went unconscious before his life expired while bobbing in the icy Pacific.  He did not drown.  He did not die.  In fact… he continued to live on as the icy waters slowed down his heart rate just enough to keep him alive while ice encapsulated his entire body and he eventually became permanently affixed in a slow-moving glacier (but as we’ll soon find out… maybe not quite so permanent).

92 million years went by and Barney continued to live on in a sort of hyper sleep.  A lot happened while he slept and/or was in a coma.  More dinosaurs roamed the Earth and died off, Cavemen hit cavewomen with clubs, Marilyn Monroe married Joe Dimaggio then divorced Joe Dimaggio, the hula hoop was invented and Justin Bieber was born.  It wasn’t until a Carnival Cruise Ship named The Chocolate Starfish on its way through Alaska nearly struck the glacier he was floating inside of and the cruise line picked him out of the water thinking they might sell him on the black market in exchange for cruise ship workers and cheap box wine.

This didn’t happen though because Barney defrosted on the deck of The Chocolate Starfish several hours later and woke up from his 92 million year slumber.

What happened next made it clear why God had chosen Barney to be stay alive all these millions of years: children loved him.

While Barney had learned how to swallow 500 pounds of Triceratops flesh without gagging 92 million years ago… he’d never learned about this thing called “love” and “compassion” that these “children” of these “humans” seemed to exude.

He was born 92 million years to early in the body of a carnivorous monster who wanted nothing more than to be loved… and now he was.

As it is with most 92 million year old, carnivorous, wild animals though… his lack of tact and his born instincts got the better of him and he swallowed a couple of unusually happy kids considering they were being swallowed:

No sooner had Barney been freed from his ice prison than he was placed in a prison of six-foot concrete walls and double reinforced iron bars for consuming two human children.

It wasn’t until several years later under the court of law on two charges of “Consumption of Unknowing Children” that Barney came face to face with what would be his life calling.  The presiding judge, seeing that the suspect was nothing more than a giant reptile incapable or really knowing right from wrong, decided to drop the charges and slap a lifelong charge of community service to make amends for what he had done. 

Barney, wanting nothing more to do with his old life, decided to go under the knife and through the magic of plastic surgery create what he viewed of himself.  He didn’t feel like a 7-ton, scaly, sharp-toothed menace to society!  He felt like a rotund, purple, blunt-toothed menace to parent’s sanity.

So that’s what he became:

To make up for eating the two children, he dedicated his lifelong community service to making children happy… and parents suicidal.

Unbelievable, after 92 million years plus… Barney got his own television show and began clouding people’s memories about those two kids he ate.  So much so in fact… that parents let their kids hug Barney, kiss Barney and tell Barney THEY LOVE HIM! 

What an unbelievable story, eh?

Despite knowing everything there is to know about Barney’s storied, troubled, cannibalistic past, I know DLG loves him so and as a result of her winning a contest (thanks to all you voters BTW) she got to be on stage with Barney in a recent show.  While I was initially reluctant… I crumbled under her baby blue-eyed stare and let her go. This was on the condition that I was close by while she was on stage lest Barney revert back to his child-eating at which point I’d shove a carefully hidden shunt I’d sneaked into the show deep into his brain stem.

It’s amazing to me that they’re able to pinpoint his birthday when it happened in the Cretaceous period.

That’s our friend who gave up her Friday evening to go to the Barney show with us… yes… that’s not a typo

HOLY SHIT!! There he is!  He’s got that crazy look in his eyes!  Well… maybe that’s just Botox injections.

“DLG… if he trys to put your head in his mouth I will use the Samurai sword I snuck in to slice him in two perfectly symmetrical halves”

HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WHAT THEY HELL IS THAT!!!

While being incredibly nervous that my child is about to meet a dinosaur that’s been known to eat children… I’m remarkably calm…

It appeared to me that Barney was starting to get that look in his eye… but I think it’s probably all the medical marijuana he’s smoking for his cataracts

Don’t think that I didn’t know that orange motherfucker with the green boils behind me was staring at my ass…

So despite Barney’s torrid, almost unbelievable past, we had a pretty good time.  That is… until Baby Bop, Barney’s Triceratops friend, impaled a cotton candy vendor on one of her horns and ran from the arena frothing at the mouth.

THE END

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13 responses to “Barney The Purple Dinosaur: The True Hollywood Story

  1. That is awesome!! Love the story. Lol over the “get that gay-ass hat off your head”!!

    Looks like you guys had a great time. 😀 Way to go Dad – DLG will be talking about this for weeks!

  2. That orange dinosaur has hair! That’s way creepier that being painted purple. Being the carnivore that he is, what do you suppose they feed him? Prisoners? Scientologists?

  3. I was fascinated with dinosaurs when I was a kid.

    And no, there weren’t any still around!

    UP

  4. What the heck was that orange dinosaur? Really, I would have been worried if he was checking out my ass! That’s a great thing you did getting her onstage, she will remember it forever. Great parenting man.

  5. Did you check out Hugh Grant movie “Nine Months”? That movie will indulge your hatred for Barney in a healthy way. 😉

  6. Enjoyed your story…brightened my Monday for sure!

  7. Barney *shudder* I hid him from my children. I never had his show on. Really. I used to work at JCPenney, and they ‘introduced’ him way back when. So I was already Barney-ed out by the time my kids came around.
    Which totally makes you the most awesome dad evah! You let her have Barney AND get her to win the contest!! See that? That’s called putting your kids first. 🙂
    Also? Your wife is smokin’ hot. And I mean that in a totally complimentary way. The way one woman can tell another that she is beautiful and it’s ok. (and somehow guys can’t do this) Anyway, she looks amazing, as usual I’m seeing. Which makes me dislike her only a littletinybit 🙂

  8. Barney is the anti-Christ. Seriously!

  9. She won? Sweet!! It means my registering for that OK news site was not in vain!!!

    Seriously though, that is awesome.

  10. YAY! She won! I second what Seattle Dad said! hehehe. So glad it was a good time.

    HOpe you don’t stay away too long… we will miss your sarcasm!

  11. Possibly your best post ever. Thanks for the laugh!

  12. I seen this twice but my brother just wanted to kno. So I went on this website and this is what really made me laugh: Barney THE BIG Gay Ass Dinosaur!!! Haha! Too funny .you should laugh too.

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