Santa Is A Real Asshole (A Papa K Archive Pick)

I’m on the verge of taking a small hiatus from blogging to fine tune my writing and perhaps upgrade a few aspects of this here blog… so stay tuned. 

In the meantime… let’s take a trip down memory lane shall we…

I wrote this last Christmas.  I think it’s funny.  You decide.


It’s Christmas again and once again we’re bombarded with Christmas music.  Have you ever really listened to the Christmas song “I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus”?  Allow me to indulge you for a moment:

Christmas toys all over the place
Little Shelby wears a funny smile on his face
Shelby has a secret
And the secret he must share
He wants to tell somebody
So he tells his teddy bear

I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then, I saw Mama tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mama kissing Santa Claus last night

Okay… so… this song was written in 1952… times were much more innocent back then.  I realize that “Santa Claus” is probably “Daddy” dressed up as Santa but if you are to take this song literally… it makes this whole situation seem ripe for the Jerry Springer show.

First of all, if you don’t realize the playful nature of this song and that Shelby is probably just peeking in on his dad and mom kissing under the mistletoe you might accidentally think that Mama is cheating on Daddy with this old, fat, hairy bastard.

Santa should never be trusted to be alone with your wife

Despite the fact that this song was written over 50 years ago… there’s still something deeply disturbing about it!  All of us listening to it might say, “Oh! Ha, I get it!!  Shelby is actually just seeing his Dad and Mom have a sweet Christmas Eve kiss!  He’s just misunderstanding what’s really going on!  How cute!”

Well let me tell you something people… Shelby actually thinks his Mom is getting it on with SANTA CLAUS while Daddy is (more than likely) asleep!!  And he thinks Daddy would have laughed about it!!  I’ll tell you what I would have done if I had gotten out of bed to find my wife mugging down and “tickling the beard” of some random fat dude in our house… I’d have collapsed his frontal lobe with the nearest blunt object I could find.

What happens after Shelby creeps back to bed?  Does he lay there and worry about if he should tell Daddy or not?  Does he pray that his Mom and Dad don’t get divorced because Dad can’t “clean her chimney” like Santa can?  Does he cover his head with his pillow to muffle the sound of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho’s” and Mama’s “Oh-oh-oh’s”?

What kind of light does this song shed on Santa?  It makes him sound like a real slut.  He gets one night a year away from Mrs. Claus and apparently he takes the opportunity to get his game on.  Mrs. Claus thinks he’s off spreading good will.  Well… I’m here  to tell you Mrs. Claus that that’s not the only thing he’s spreading.

Anyway… I think the song is a little dated for where our world is at this point in time.  Santa should stick with gifts and stockings… not Mama’s fun bags. 

Santa’s been pulling the wool (in more ways than one) over our eyes for years…


6 responses to “Santa Is A Real Asshole (A Papa K Archive Pick)

  1. I remember this.

    I still think the song is creepy. *shudder*

    Fat guys. Beard. “Tickle”. Wait a minute…..

  2. Please do kick Santa’s ass…after all, ’tis the season of giving. LOL

    When you are on hiatus, don’t forget to check in on us. 😉

  3. Have a very productive break. Merry Christmas!

  4. Peace out bro! Don’t be a stranger!

  5. Shelby knows that Santa is a eunuch.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s