One positive thing about becoming Paris Hilton would be that I’d never have to go to Wal-Mart. But, if for some strange reason I did become Paris Hilton, I’d have to say I’d gladly go to Wal-Mart in exchange for a brain and/or the removal of all the venereal diseases I have swimming around in my reproductive system.
Regardless… Wal-Mart is a strange place. While I understand it’s a “monopoly” of sorts I cannot ignore the fact that their oatmeal is twenty cents cheaper than Homeland’s, their canned mandarin oranges are ten cents cheaper than Target’s, their adult diapers are almost a dollar cheaper than Geriatric World’s and their fertility testing is almost a thousand bucks cheaper than the local hospital’s!
Although, low prices don’t always tend to attract financially saavy individuals hell bent on saving money for retirement… they also attract some of the weirdest damn freaks you’ve ever seen!
Case in point:
I myself fell victim to a Wal-Mart troll about a week ago… although it wasn’t so much what I saw than what I heard.
Allow me to explain…
DLG and I had just turned the corner of the bread aisle because we were looking for some tortillas to make chicken enchiladas for some friends that particular evening. A quick glance down the aisle revealed I was sharing it with one other man. He was an older gentleman carrying a food basket. He sported a very trailer-trashy ensemble with a long trench coat, flowing greasy hair and combat boots. This indeed really wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for Wal-Mart but as we closed in on crossing paths I noticed he was talking on the phone in very hushed tones. I’m not one to really try to listen in on other people’s conversations but as we passed I couldn’t help but catch what he was saying in very forceful tones:
“I’m sticking my tongue in your mouth and I’m swirling it all around all in your mouth. Oh. It feels so good…..”
Needless to say I was slightly taken aback… yet strangely intrigued by this multi-talented man who could apparently shop for bread while deeply engrossing himself in such an emotional phone call. I don’t stare at people EVER… but this just wasn’t any old people. This was perhaps one of the weirder things I hope to ever see at a Wal-Mart.
So, I positioned myself amongst the wheat breads in such a way where I could keep an eye on this guy and see if I could hear anything else he was saying.
I didn’t have to wait long.
As he continued strolling amongst the breads he stopped and began slapping his hands together right next to the receiver of his telephone while saying, “… And I’m spanking your ass so hard! Oh, and you like it! Oh yeah, c’mon baby!”
For as quickly as I was intrigued by this dude… I was just as quickly completely disgusted and felt a bit like vomiting on the english muffins.
I tucked tail and got out of that aisle as fast as I could lest I contract some airborne “freak-weirdo” virus and feel inclined to conduct a phone sex call in Wal-Mart or something.
While it could have been any number of scenarios, I believe he was more than likely a phone sex-operator on the phone with “a client”… or he was just a complete freak getting his rocks off on a phone-sex call! I’m not one to judge (okay maybe I am), but isn’t there a better place to conduct such a phone call than in the bread aisle at Wal-Mart?
I felt a little less queasy once I came home and took a shower to wash all the heebie-jeebies off.
I wanna hear good stories from you all on some of the weirdness you’ve seen at Wal-Mart. C’mon… gimme somethin’ good!