Wal-Mart: The Weirdo-Freak Capitol Of The World

One positive thing about becoming Paris Hilton would be that I’d never have to go to Wal-Mart.  But, if for some strange reason I did become Paris Hilton, I’d have to say I’d gladly go to Wal-Mart in exchange for a brain and/or the removal of all the venereal diseases I have swimming around in my reproductive system.

Regardless… Wal-Mart is a strange place.  While I understand it’s a “monopoly” of sorts I cannot ignore the fact that their oatmeal  is twenty cents cheaper than Homeland’s, their canned mandarin oranges are ten cents cheaper than Target’s, their adult diapers are almost a dollar cheaper than Geriatric World’s and their fertility testing is almost a thousand bucks cheaper than the local hospital’s!

Although, low prices don’t always tend to attract financially saavy individuals hell bent on saving money for retirement… they also attract some of the weirdest damn freaks you’ve ever seen!

Case in point:

I myself fell victim to a Wal-Mart troll about a week ago… although it wasn’t so much what I saw than what I heard.

Allow me to explain…

DLG and I had just turned the corner of the bread aisle because we were looking for some tortillas to make chicken enchiladas for some friends that particular evening.  A quick glance down the aisle revealed I was sharing it with one other man.  He was an older gentleman carrying a food basket.  He sported a very trailer-trashy ensemble with a long trench coat, flowing greasy hair and combat boots.  This indeed really wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for Wal-Mart but as we closed in on crossing paths I noticed he was talking on the phone in very hushed tones.  I’m not one to really try to listen in on other people’s conversations but as we passed I couldn’t help but catch what he was saying in very forceful tones:

“I’m sticking my tongue in your mouth and I’m swirling it all around all in your mouth.  Oh.  It feels so good…..”

Needless to say I was slightly taken aback… yet strangely intrigued by this multi-talented man who could apparently shop for bread while deeply engrossing himself in such an emotional phone call.  I don’t stare at people EVER… but this just wasn’t any old people.  This was perhaps one of the weirder things I hope to ever see at a Wal-Mart.

So, I positioned myself amongst the wheat breads in such a way where I could keep an eye on this guy and see if I could hear anything else he was saying.

I didn’t have to wait long.

As he continued strolling amongst the breads he stopped and began slapping his hands together right next to the receiver of his telephone while saying, “… And I’m spanking your ass so hard!  Oh, and you like it!  Oh yeah, c’mon baby!”

For as quickly as I was intrigued by this dude… I was just as quickly completely disgusted and felt a bit like vomiting on the english muffins.

I tucked tail and got out of that aisle as fast as I could lest I contract some airborne “freak-weirdo” virus and feel inclined to conduct a phone sex call in Wal-Mart or something.

While it could have been any number of scenarios, I believe he was more than likely a phone sex-operator on the phone with “a client”… or he was just a complete freak getting his rocks off on a phone-sex call!   I’m not one to judge (okay maybe I am), but isn’t there a better place to conduct such a phone call than in the bread aisle at Wal-Mart?

I felt a little less queasy once I came home and took a shower to wash all the heebie-jeebies off.


I wanna hear good stories from you all on some of the weirdness you’ve seen at Wal-Mart.  C’mon… gimme somethin’ good!


12 responses to “Wal-Mart: The Weirdo-Freak Capitol Of The World

  1. Some people don’t know how to control themselves. He’s probably one of those guys who looks at porn at the office. Did you hear about the guy who pulled up to a fast food window naked and holding his ding dong. He said to the girl at the window “Wanna hold my Whopper?” I mean — COME ON, People! 🙂

  2. The photo…and the true story…are just gross. I hear that if you go to WalMart during the early morning hours, you will see people who would not otherwise go out in public (so that they do not have to endure the staring and comments) So sad. BUT…this is different. Yes, PLEASE, some other place besides the bread aisle.

  3. ‘Welcome Wal-Mart Shoppers, today we have a special running on phone sex located on isle 3.’ For today only get your rocks off or totally grossed out for 50% off our everyday low prices.’

    ‘Thank you for shopping at your neighborhood Wal-Mart, where we are always rolling prices back and freaking you out”

    I refuse to live anywhere that there isn’t a Wal-Mart within a 10 mile radius. I totally love that place.

  4. I used to work at Wal-Mart, and my wife still does(in the Vision Center) so I have a ton of stories that I could tell you. What you talked about is tame for some of the crap you see on 3rd shift. I was propositioned for sex, had someone take a dump in the aisle I was working in, and watched two people basically suck each others face. I even did a blog post about a guy who is known at the local store as “Creepy Guy.” You should check it out. That store just seems to draw the lower end of society for some reason. However, there are a lot of nice people who shop and work there as well.

    • I’m sure there are plenty of nice people who work and shop there… but it is the freaks you remember. There was a guy in my hometown known as “walking Tom” who you was notorious for jacking off in store bathrooms.

      Somebody took a dump in the aisle? THAT’S FREAKIN’ CRAZY DUDE!! I’ll def look for your post on “Creepy Guy”.

  5. Walmarting can be fun…check out my post on the topic…why be bored at the store…



  6. My interesting Wal-Mart story took place about 5 years ago. At the time, my husband and I had just started trying to start a family and one day while I was shopping at Wal-Mart I decided to buy a pregnancy test. This was one of the first pregnancy tests I had ever bought, so for some reason I was feeling a tad bit nervous. I decided to go through an older lady’s check out line hoping I could make the purchase and get out of the store. That was a big mistake…
    I put all of my grocery items up on the belt and the first thing the woman sees is the pregnancy test. She then proceeds to grill me: “Are you pregnant?” she asks….I was completely caught off guard and was thinking, uh, hello! I wouldn’t be buying a test if I knew the answer…but I simply just said, “I’m not sure”. To this she replies, “have you missed your period?” At this point my mind was racing, was I really being asked these questions by a Wal-Mart employee?!!! This is where I completely tuned out…she continued on, asking me more personal questions while I muttered something about babies being a blessing, paid for my things and walked out of the store in complete shock and feeling slightly violated.
    It was then I made the decision to only go through guy lines when making those type of purchases, because I knew they wouldn’t ask me about my monthly cycles or my sex life. 2 years and many pregnancy test purchases later we got that positive test that made it all worth it and got me over my slight embarrassment of buying them!! Now its just a funny memory to me, but I still can’t believe that it happened.
    I do boycott Wal-Mart though as much as I can. (Not b/c of what happened, I just get sick of rude employees and long lines because only two check out stands are open) Thank goodness we have Crest, which has lower prices and is a much, much nicer place to shop.

    • That’s quite a story kristi. Bf we got pregnant we’d heard all types of pregnancy horror stories like yours. Fortunately… I don’t seem to remember any of them happening to us!

  7. omg this picture is insane!!!!

  8. I like that People of Wal Mart site, too, man. Loads of freaks in all their glory there. Your story about the freak on the phone was hilarious. I doubt you could take a shower hot or long enough to get those heebie jeebies off.

    As a previous employee of Wally World, I have so many stories that it’s hard to pick just one to share. How about the time when we found a customer in the women’s lingerie dept. holding/sniffing a pair of new panties up to his nose and openly masturbating at the same time. He was still wanking even as the cops arrived and were about to handcuff him. Or how about the time, in the late night hours, where we caught two teenagers fucking on a futon in housewares. Even when we made our presence known, it didn’t stop them. I think it may have even made them hornier.

    There’s much more than that, though. I could write a book just on the employees alone. Take care, Papa K.

  9. I hope someone wasn’t paying for that. Ewwww.

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