Pooping Your Pants Ain’t Cool DLG


All the things I feared before becoming a father seemed to mostly center around poop and other bodily functions.

When I used to babysit my nieces and nephews long before I was a father, I had to MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE my sister(s) had taken them to the bathroom and/or changed their diapers before she left.  There was no way in hell I was going to wipe a butt or change a poopy diaper… that was just disgusting.

I looked forward to the day I would become a father so I could relish in all the fun and rewarding things about being a parent… I just wasn’t sure about “the dirty work”.  The fears of how I would handle certain scenarios loomed large in my brain.  Certain scenarios such as:

Changing a diaper (yes… that was a fear of mine)
Getting thrown up on (been there)
Getting peed on (done that)
Getting pooped on (that too)
Having your kid poop in the tub (read about it here)
Wiping their booty during potty training (every day at this point)
Handling diarrhea (unfortunately so… I don’t even like writing that word!)
Potty training in public restrooms (you gotta do what you gotta do)

Mere minutes into fatherhood and I was already changing a diaper… and checking that fear off my list

If you’ve been a parent for any length of time… you’ve undoubtedly had your hand (quite literally) in these situations.  In a backwards way of thinking, I believe I was ready for them to happen so I could say, “Whew.  Okay… I got that out-of-the-way!  Now, give me my ‘Fatherhood Valor Award For Those Who’ve Been Pooped On.”

None of them were as bad  as I’d anticipated them.  In fact I lived through all of them so they couldn’t have been THAT bad!!!

Although… an item I didn’t list above that I was still scared of was what I would do if DLG pooped her pants (not with a diaper on)!  I’d been waiting for quite some time to administer the necessary procedures to mend such a scenario.

My fear became a reality at Chick-Fil-A (we go there a lot if you haven’t noticed) DLG had eaten her lunch then had just got done playing in the kid’s area for a little bit when she approached me with a simple request, “Daddy…. I need to go poo poo”.

I sprang into action as I  knew the window of opportunity to make sure these turds got flushed was decreasing with each passing second.  We carved a path and prayed that the men’s restroom stall wasn’t occupied.

“Hallelujah! There’s no one in here!” I thought to myself as I entered the lone bathroom stall that Chick Fil-A has in the men’s bathroom.

Upon entering the stall, I noticed the warm glow emanating through DLG’s jeans and onto my bare arm.

“Sissy!  Did you poop?” I asked her.

She said, “Yes Daddy!” as though it were completely obvious.

The next several minutes were spent trying to figure out how to effectively manipulate everything to where I could change her clothes, get her dirty clothes put away, make sure she’d gotten all “it” out and keep her feet out of the apparent pool of urine directly in front of the toilet (dudes… seriously?  C’mon now).  Keep in mind she is two-years-old and extremely hard to keep focused.

It was an adventure to say the least.

Poop has no business being in your underpants DLG… let’s keep it in the potty from now on.

“Okay daddy.  Okay.  I won’t poop my pants anymore!”

But at least I can mark it off my list!

Oh… and I need my medal.

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16 responses to “Pooping Your Pants Ain’t Cool DLG

  1. Ah yes, the “not-only-have-I-pooped-my-pants-but-we’re-not-even-at-home” Medal. Congrats! It’s yours!

    Those are not my favorite moments of toddlerhood. But they go away fast (thank God!). I have had some really interesting scenarios with poopy pants. It’s really fun when you think you are “well past” that stage and you stop carrying extra clothes….only to find out that was a stupid idea. 😉 (Yes, that has happened to us.)

    My son actually pooped his pants between my wedding and the reception. In my defense, he was in my mother’s “care” while I was actually “getting married”. When we went to go take pictures ans he said he had to poop, she did not apparently take note of the urgency of those words (or didn’t remember what it was like to have a toddler need to poo…1st grandchild). They ended up going back to my place to change clothes before the reception. She has never doubted any other kid who has said they need to go potty RIGHT NOW. 😀

  2. You don’t get the medal unless you keep your cool. Did you keep your cool? Did you refrain from making your kid feel like the biggest loser on the planet? That’s the most important part. I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, since I’ve seen how sweet you are with Story. Your medal is in the mail.

    • I totally kept my cool. I took all the poop then put Story’s nose really close to it and said, “BAD STORY! Look what you’ve done. NO!”

      I’m kidding. You don’t even have to ask me if I kept my cool sis! Mindy asked me the same thing and I was like, “Well yeah. She told me she had to go we just didn’t make it to the potty fast enough. I can’t fault her for that.” I’m superdad… you know that.

  3. Wear the medal proudly Papa K!

    UP

  4. Great job!! You took your newly potty trained daughter out in public! Once again, I’m impressed. SO many dads shy away from that. Mind did not, thankfully, but friends of ours? Like you would not believe. Some advice: Never stop carrying those extra clothes. John is almost four, hasn’t had an accident since September. But yesterday he uhh, ‘mis aimed’ and we were soaked, at the book store. I’ve thrown away more underware . . .

    • You know what’s funny… I didn’t throw away the underwear! I didn’t even think about it. I just packed ’em up, took ’em home and put ’em in the wash! Next time though, I think they’re going in the trash.

  5. Oh yes…we just throw away (!) the underwear. Don’t even *try* to clean it. It’s not worth it.

    Oh. And I like what your sister said: “Did you refrain from making them feel like the biggest loser on the planet?” That is the most important part, amd usually the hardest. Not because you want you kid to feel bad (you don’t), but because it’s hard not to make an icky face when you clean a mess like that up (and it’s worse than the same mess in a diaper) and kids seem to think that icky face is directed at them personally, which it’s not.

    I think you probably did a great job.

  6. I’m only laughing out of sympathy.

    The pressure of that first diaper change much have been excruciating. You’ve got 3 females, 2 of whom are probably grandmas to someone, all staring at you. With the arms crossed or holding cameras. Not to mention the person taking the picture, who is obviously not your wife. Oh the humanity… I feel for you dude.

  7. Wait until you know the joy of having a boy! As you know, we guys don’t always have the best aim, and as an infant the little peepee can go off at all times. My son peed on me like 2 minutes after he was born. He hasn’t stopped since! Sounds like you did a great job with DLG, keep it up.
    I’ve been meaning to ask, are you okay with Cliff Lee going back to Philly, or are you in a deep funk?

  8. u handled that well it seems, im not a father and iv changed diapers, of a niece and at work. that one was bad and messy smelly but hey for those lil faces how can u not help’em out.

  9. All the accidents have just blurred together at this point! But I will never forget Matt, in his very early infancy, pooping all over your Dad’s lap, most notably his western belt buckle, filling up all the grooves and indentations. Oh it was a fine mess! And required much scrubbing with old toothbrushes. It’s a wonder he ever wore it again! Of course, YOU never did anything like that.

  10. You’d honestly think that over the course of centuries that the human animal would have mastered the art of strategic deification.

    Take the wildebeest, within minutes a new born calf is up and running as it gets tracked down by a hungry lion.

    Why couldn’t my children approach pooping the same way? The second words out of their mouth after da-da is poo-poo. Then you’d know its times to go to the bathroom.

    Thank the Holy Lord Almighty that I do not EVER have to potty train another child…

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