I’m not an aggressive driver, I’m not even an overly fast driver… I just have my cruising limit and I don’t like to break it. Yet it happens without fail that every time I drive on the highway there is bound to be some inbred toddling along in their Hyundai as if they’re the only person in the Universe.
Road rage is imminent.
Quite recently, Bunny and I were returning from my hometown from a visit we had with my family when we came upon a person driving in the fast lane who hadn’t seemed to notice that a good number of cars had to go around her in order to continue their route. I’m not someone who approaches confrontation often and I usually resort to giving the driver an icy stare as I swerve around them in hopes they’ll notice my bloodshot eyes bulging from their sockets. But I didn’t feel like doing that this time… I had swerved around too many blockheads without them even registering what the hell they were doing wrong.
So this time I rear-ended them. This caused their car to fishtail then flip over the side rail of the bridge we were on. I didn’t stop but as I looked in my rear view mirror I did notice a small mushroom cloud. Hopefully that’ll resolve that problem.
I’m kidding. I didn’t do that. I can’t say I didn’t imagine it though.
Instead of crashing into the car on purpose I simply continued to cruise on as I would if I expected the car in front of me to move. They didn’t despite the obvious 15MPH+ faster I was going. When I was a good half second away from their bumper I slowed down and flashed my brights at them. When nothing happened… I flashed them again.
THEN THEY TAPPED THEIR BRAKES!!
THEY EFFING TAPPED THEIR BRAKES AT ME AS IF I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS IN THE WRONG!!
Needless to say I didn’t do the most Christian thing I could have done at that moment in time. I was caught in the moment and extremely frustrated.
So after doing my un-Christian activities, I did what I’ve always done a thousand times before that: I swerved around her and iced her with my bulging eyeball stare.
I could not believe the audacity of this person! Even after I sped well in front of her I watched in my rear view mirror as other cars had to swerve around her. Are people seriously THAT clueless? I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt a lot but c’mon… buy some Miracle Grow and sprinkle it on your brain stem because there ain’t nothing there.
So, since neither of these two methods have worked for me up to this point, I’ve decided to spell it out for these jackasses. Every time I pass by someone holding up the fast lane I’m simply going to place this sign in my driver’s side window:
If that doesn’t work I may just have to start carrying a bazooka.