Monthly Archives: July 2011

Kim Kardashian Ready To Marry Former Cro-Magnon Man: Kris Humphries


 Cro-Magnon men are well-known as the earliest modern humans with traces of their existence dating back about 35,000 years ago. From what scientists with brains larger than the average watermelon can assume is that their forehead was straight, with slight browridges along with a prominent chin and a tall forehead. They stood around 6 feet 3 inches tall and their limbs were long making them stand like a stretched-out Stretch Armstrong. All in all, you could expect them to look like what the ugliest human alive today might look like.

"Hmmm... What for dinner? Wooly Mammoth or that dude that died yesterday?"

It has long been assumed that these Cro-Magnon men died out long before the Wal-Mart deli made catching a saber-tooth tiger in order to feed your family seem like a desperate act of suicide.

Well, that’s what scientists with brains bigger than the average watermelon want you to think. What they’re not telling you is that several years ago they discovered one of the Cro-Magnon men completely well-preserved in a frozen pile of mammoth dung.

“The best we can tell is that he was the unfortunate recipient of a major blockage inside a very constipated wooly mammoth,” said Norwegian fecal scientist Ole Vogelstein who discovered the giant pile of crap. “Uh… judging by the fact he had a spear in his hand when we found him, we assumed he was sneaking up on the mammoth as a means to run him through with a spear. It didn’t pan out as he’d expected.”

Scientist Ole Vogelstein stands near the discovery of the largest pile of mammoth dung ever found. Shortly after this picture was taken, the frozen Cro-Magnon man was found inside.

The frozen Cro-Magnon man was found in the mammoth feces shortly after it was attempted to move giant pile of preserved poop.

“We ran a couple seismic tests on the pile and came to find a rather large, unusual lump within the pile that, had it actually come out of a wooly mammoth, would have torn it a new asshole.” said Ole. “Since it is just poop and we weren’t really worried about keeping it in mint condition, we broke it open and found a caveman inside, frozen all these years with a scream still on his face.”

Ole and his fecal scientist associates unfroze the cro-magnon man, named it Kris and taught it how to play basketball.

Unfrozen caveman basketball player: Kris

Before too long, the former Cro-Magnon man who was perfectly preserved in a giant pile of wooly mammoth shit, garnered attention from several basketball scouts from America.

“It appears that the mammoth shit he was preserved in helped his body stay warm and moist while slowing down his heart just enough to stay alive,” said New Jersey Nets scout Humphrey Smithbalm, “What most of us couldn’t imagine staying in for more than a few minutes, this kid survived in for 35,000 years! For what it’s worth, I think the mammoth shit regenerated his cells to a point where he’s almost unbreakable! Which is pretty amazing considering wooly mammoths only really ate tundra grass.”

For a life that began over 35,000 years ago in an arctic cave and seemed to have ended under an incredibly large meadow muffin, Kris’ life has really turned around. Several months ago, Kris asked reigning reality show queen Kim Kardashian to marry him (after he smashed her across the cranium with a giant club as was his former custom).

She said yes.

Going with what he’s known for the last 35,000 years, Kris runs to the next closest thing to a giant, steaming, rancid, frozen pile of mammoth droppings.
“Me like her,” said Kris in broken english, “She have big ass. I like. Not big like mammoth but still pretty big.”
 
“You know, he’s just the sweetest guy,” says Kim, “Other than those moments where he starts sweating and smells like a giant turd.”
 
 
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Spiked Heels Look Good And Could Kill Someone


Having an interest in heels doesn’t have to scare a man away. While (I hear) heels aren’t the most comfortable shoe to wear 16 hours a day, they do add to the sensuality of a woman. It’s hard to be slump shouldered in a pair of heels meaning they force her to stick her chest out and walk with a little zip in her do-da.

Why wouldn’t we, as men, take an interest in our women’s interest in high heel shoes? While they aren’t something that affect the way we look, it does affect the way our wife/girlfriend/robot wife feels about themselves which in turn makes them happy. Aaaaand if there’s one thing I know to be absolutely true, it’s “if mama ain’t happy… ain’t nobody happy.”

I ain’t no fashion expert. I certainly didn’t know how to dress the better part of my life before Bunny stepped into it and showed me that dressing like the Salvation Army had thrown up on me wasn’t going to make her swoon over me too much longer. Regardless of the fact I used to dress like Billy Madison, I have been able to pick out shoes for her since we’ve been together.

Call it… a gift.

So the other day when we were walking through Dillards I stopped at the sight of some shoes that looked like this:

What appears to be a medieval torture device is actually a shoe

“Ooooooo honey you’d look great in these naked with that new outfit you bought!” I said.

She actually rolled her eyes at me! ME! The shoe aficionado!!

Ever since that moment, I’ve tried to talk her in to buying a pair because I think that they’ll grow on her! I’ve also come to find out that wearing this spiked footwear is quite the rage with the famous folk and cause some fairly significant damage to someones ass should you choose to kick it.

I don't know who this person is but they appear to be famous and are wearing spiked shoes. Isn't that enough of a reason?

I mean, c’mon… at least I’m not asking her to wear this:

These shoes were made for GWAR

While I certainly don’t suggest that my wife wear high-heeled shoes without any clothes on all the time, I do think she could make a pair of these look EXTREMELY sexy.

 Your thoughts on this spiked footwear? Perhaps if I get enough positive feedback than I can get Bunny convinced that this is really the coolest thing since rat-tails.
 
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For those of you interested in reading some more of my stuff, I’ve got a guest spot on a new entertainment website called Joe Crazy! It’s so crazy… I can hardly contain myself. Anyway, I wrote about the 10 Celebrities Who’ve Cheated Death (So Far). I think you’ll find it both entertaining and emotionally stimulating.
 
Seriously… go there. Make a comment! NOW!!

Hide Yo Kids… Doug Hutchison Is Creepin’!


51- year-old character actor Doug Hutchinson recently hoped to expand our minds when he decided he wanted to stop being seen as “that guy who looks like he’s going to murder you with an axe” and instead be seen as a loving, caring individual who believes love has no boundaries. He accomplished this by marrying a 16-year-old (at least we’re made to believe she’s 16) aspiring contry singer named (Courtney) Alexis Stodden. 

Doug Hutchinson is creepy. Not just because of his most recent marital situation, but because of his face:

If you’d asked me who Doug Hutchinson was a month ago, I wouldn’t have known who you were talking about right away. If you’d have told me, “He’s that creepy dude from The Green Mile!” Then I would have said, “Oh yeah! That guy who is always looking like he’s going to murder the world as he stares at you from underneath his protruding brow!”

 

Perhaps age is “just a number”. It seems these days old dudes can now climb Mount Everest and old grandmas can give birth to twins so why can’t a man marry a 16 year-old girl who is 35 years younger than he is! Oh yeah, wait… did I mention she looks like this:

Uh….

Let me guess what you’re asking yourself right now: “So, you’re telling me that this:

Plus this:

Equals this?”:

Yes. Yes that’s exactly what I’m telling you.

While I don’t advocate that love can’t be found between three and a half decades of age difference and the mere fact that the man happens to look as though this face was run over by the San Francisco 49ers but, you have to admit… this is just a tad creepy.

As you can see in the video below, what would even possess a man 35 years old her senior to put up with her annoying cackle of a laugh and obvious lack of life experience other than the fact she’s perhaps an automatonic Barbie robot he built in his mad scientist basement.

“What we’re here to do is touch each other and love each other the best we can.”

*shiver*

Well… who am I to argue with God. I guess they really do love each other.

What do you guys think? Creepy or is this legitimate (I’m trying not to laugh) love.

Like The New Digs? It’s Still A Work In Progress.


I’m making a few new changes ’round here. What do you think of them? They’re of the “Free on WordPress” variety but I think the ol’ blog needed a little overhaul don’t you?

I’ve updated a few pages. Feel free to check them out if you like (here, here or here). Nothing huge… but it still leaves me up until 1:30 in the morning to do (It’s called “having OCD”).

Since this is a post about nothing, I might as well make it worthwhile and plug my Facebook and Twitter page. If you don’t follow them already then you need to.

More to come.

I’m An Asshole


I haven’t called.

I haven’t written.

Hell… I haven’t made a single attempt in the last several weeks to reach out to you: my readers.

I’m like that person you dated who you really, really liked and you thought everything was cool only have me not call you back, return your texts, avoid you in the hallway, assimilate myself somewhere else other than where you are or do everything I can to avoid eye contact with you at 7-11 because if I do that means I have to talk to you.

I, my dear readers (of whom many I have lost I’m sure), am an ass.

What if I were to tell you that I want you back?

What if I were to tell you that I’ve seen the error in my ways? That it wasn’t you… it was me? I just needed to find myself! To spread my wings and fly only to find myself back here where I belong!

C’mon… I’m crying here…

I sold myself and my talents to the industry giants who paid me only to throw my talent to the curb like I was a dirty, snot soaked tissue incapable of absorbing any more phlegm or containing one more rouge booger.

WHO ARE THEY? THEY DON’T KNOW ME!

You know me… and I missed you.

I’m coming back. It’s official… if you’ll take me (and tell everyone we’re back together via email, Facebook, Twitter, carrier pigeon, etc.).

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Oh, and in case you haven’t noticed, I’m making a few changes! I know it kinda looks like poop right now but I’m doin’ the best I can with the time I have.

Word homeys.