Category Archives: Comedic Bits On Purpose

My lame attempts at making you laugh

Kim Kardashian Ready To Marry Former Cro-Magnon Man: Kris Humphries


 Cro-Magnon men are well-known as the earliest modern humans with traces of their existence dating back about 35,000 years ago. From what scientists with brains larger than the average watermelon can assume is that their forehead was straight, with slight browridges along with a prominent chin and a tall forehead. They stood around 6 feet 3 inches tall and their limbs were long making them stand like a stretched-out Stretch Armstrong. All in all, you could expect them to look like what the ugliest human alive today might look like.

"Hmmm... What for dinner? Wooly Mammoth or that dude that died yesterday?"

It has long been assumed that these Cro-Magnon men died out long before the Wal-Mart deli made catching a saber-tooth tiger in order to feed your family seem like a desperate act of suicide.

Well, that’s what scientists with brains bigger than the average watermelon want you to think. What they’re not telling you is that several years ago they discovered one of the Cro-Magnon men completely well-preserved in a frozen pile of mammoth dung.

“The best we can tell is that he was the unfortunate recipient of a major blockage inside a very constipated wooly mammoth,” said Norwegian fecal scientist Ole Vogelstein who discovered the giant pile of crap. “Uh… judging by the fact he had a spear in his hand when we found him, we assumed he was sneaking up on the mammoth as a means to run him through with a spear. It didn’t pan out as he’d expected.”

Scientist Ole Vogelstein stands near the discovery of the largest pile of mammoth dung ever found. Shortly after this picture was taken, the frozen Cro-Magnon man was found inside.

The frozen Cro-Magnon man was found in the mammoth feces shortly after it was attempted to move giant pile of preserved poop.

“We ran a couple seismic tests on the pile and came to find a rather large, unusual lump within the pile that, had it actually come out of a wooly mammoth, would have torn it a new asshole.” said Ole. “Since it is just poop and we weren’t really worried about keeping it in mint condition, we broke it open and found a caveman inside, frozen all these years with a scream still on his face.”

Ole and his fecal scientist associates unfroze the cro-magnon man, named it Kris and taught it how to play basketball.

Unfrozen caveman basketball player: Kris

Before too long, the former Cro-Magnon man who was perfectly preserved in a giant pile of wooly mammoth shit, garnered attention from several basketball scouts from America.

“It appears that the mammoth shit he was preserved in helped his body stay warm and moist while slowing down his heart just enough to stay alive,” said New Jersey Nets scout Humphrey Smithbalm, “What most of us couldn’t imagine staying in for more than a few minutes, this kid survived in for 35,000 years! For what it’s worth, I think the mammoth shit regenerated his cells to a point where he’s almost unbreakable! Which is pretty amazing considering wooly mammoths only really ate tundra grass.”

For a life that began over 35,000 years ago in an arctic cave and seemed to have ended under an incredibly large meadow muffin, Kris’ life has really turned around. Several months ago, Kris asked reigning reality show queen Kim Kardashian to marry him (after he smashed her across the cranium with a giant club as was his former custom).

She said yes.

Going with what he’s known for the last 35,000 years, Kris runs to the next closest thing to a giant, steaming, rancid, frozen pile of mammoth droppings.
“Me like her,” said Kris in broken english, “She have big ass. I like. Not big like mammoth but still pretty big.”
 
“You know, he’s just the sweetest guy,” says Kim, “Other than those moments where he starts sweating and smells like a giant turd.”
 
 
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Search Engine Silliness, Part 3


The internet is like… big and stuff.  A lot of people use it.  A lot of them use search engines (Google, Bing, AskJeeves, etc.) to help them find what they’re looking for.  What follows are search engine terms that people have used to find my blog (quite mistakenly I assume… or I hope) for the last month or so.

So I present them to you for your entertainment (search engine terms in bold).

Wanna see part one?  Click here.  Wanna see part tw0?  Click here.

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do guys go to hooters just to see women
I can tell a woman searched this…

the uninvited lips
“Were those lips on the list?  I didn’t think so.  Get ’em outta here!”

best birthday present for horny man
Hmmmmmmmmmmm… is that a rhetorical question?

yorkshire terrier sandwich
$5 footlong at Subway now I think

baby i hate you i wanna stab you in the nuts
Ooh. Well… I guess whoever you are you can at least take solace in knowing she still is calling you “baby”

what is my real name? no more than name. where is my real face? i have no face anymore
Uh… sounds like you’ve got some serious questions that Google ain’t gonna be able to answer for you

ugly blonde giants
I laughed at this initially… then I realized they happened upon MY blog while searching for ugly blonde giants.  Am I an ugly blonde giant?

farting at badminton
In case you didn’t know it takes extreme talent and concentration to be able to do both of these at the same time

jillian michaels tongue punch fart box
I don’t watch The Biggest Loser but I’m pretty sure I still wouldn’t know what a “tongue punch fart box” is even if I did

knitting pattern for penis
Hey… “it” gets cold too

why do my testicles move
By themselves?  That’s a little frightening…

my wife is making me get boobs
I can’t say I haven’t considered getting a pair myself…

how to be hilarious 
If you have to ask Google how to then you’ve probably got no chance…

And perhaps my all-time favorite search engine term that people used to find my blog:

you’re the most handsome man in the world
Believe it or not, NINE people found my blog by searching this phrase… kinda makes up for the “ugly blonde giant” from earlier!

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If you’re the proud owner of a blog… what are some of the funnier words or phrases have been used to find it?

Wasted Youth? I Think Not.


It may come as a surprise to all of you that I was a sheltered youth.  It was my fault mostly.  I begged to be homeschooled after I couldn’t adapt to private school once my family moved back to the States from Norway.  I had endured a year and a half of this school and had enough of being the social outcast.  I wanted to bury myself within the confines of my house walls and never have to worry about conversing with anyone ever again.

I did a pretty good job of making that happen.

I did such a good job that I was completely socially inept by the time I did enter the confines of a public school four years later.

In those formative years where I should have been learning how to talk to girls and dealing with awkward pubescent moments I was doing things like this instead:

Keanu Reeves in a gray tunic with matching skirt

I had to find ways to fill the empty moments where I could have been playing with my equally awkward friends.  So… I cut the heads off of famous actors in magazines and glued them over the faces of women in my mom’s Avon Fashions magazine.

Arnold Schwarzenegger in a nice, quality, pinstriped suit.  Doesn’t he look nice?

I think despite running through the gamut of weirdness as a middle-school loner I somehow wound up being quite normal.  Well… as normal as a kid who got his kicks from pasting Leslie Nielsen’s face on some other woman’s face in an Avon Fashions magazine. 

Leslie Nielsen in a nice pair of Dockers (at 20% off)

What you might be wondering is, “How the hell do you still have these?”  Well… it seems my mother saw the creativity in my work and kept the magazine in which I had pasted all these famous people’s faces in.  I have her to thank for preserving memories like this one:

Danny De Vito in a hideous jacket and equally hideous pair of “mom jeans”.

Before I go and scare you all away from reading my blog again please understand I haven’t done this in at least a year and I don’t miss doing it at all……………………………………… well………………… maybe just a little.

Wasted youth?  I think not.

When Is Science Going To Bring Mannequins To Life?


Anyone ever seen the movie Mannequin?

If you haven’t then consider yourself lucky.

It happens to be one of my wifes favorite movies and every time we happen upon it while channel surfing she demands we watch it despite my groans of agony. 

In the movie, a female mannequin comes to life and the clerk involved in arranging her in the department store window falls in love with her.  “Hilarity” ensues.

It’s all fine and good but I dislike the movie because it gives certain individuals an unrealitic view on a time where, through science, we will be able to bring mannequins to life.  It’s not fun to toy with people’s emotions like that. 

While the mannequin in the movie was a semi-attractive one, there are some mannequins that would scare the partially digested BLT right out of me if they came alive.  You know the ones I’m talking about.

Or

Or

What’s up with that?  Are these mannequins with half a head or no face a product of department stores that can’t afford the rest of the head and/or face?

Anyway, while most mannequins are pretty creepy, there are a few who warrant some sort of futuristic plasma ray gun that brings them to life.  Like this one:

Bunny, DLG and I were in Miami last year going in and out of souvenir shops when we happened upon a shop that had nothing but extremely realistic looking female mannequins.  Well… perhaps I should say they were realistic looking “erotic swimsuit models with unnatural enhancements” mannequins.

It was a little shocking and I had to stop myself from staring.  I had to look away because I thought I might get beat up by the mannequins boyfriend once she tells him how much I stared at her.  This is of course after he’s brought to life through the miracle of science in probably another year or so.

I quickly arrived that we were in Miami and that there’s really no way for an enraged mannequin-boyfriend-just-brought-to-life to find out where I live in a years time.  So I did this:

Yes.  I’m five.

It’s been a year and I haven’t had a silver-faced dude with the upper half of his head sliced off knocking at my door yet so I assume I’m in the clear. 

In closing I… wait a minute… there’s someone at the door.  OH HOLY SH…………………………….

helllo mynam is bret and i am a mannequin brot to lif throo the miracle of sients i jst smashd papa k face wit a larg steel beem becaz he exposd my grlfrend boob last yeer let this b a warnng to al of yoo to stay awa from my grlfrend

sory its hrd fr me to tipe becaz the top haf of my hed is slised off,,,,,

Who Wants A Papa K T-Shirt?


In a shameless attempt to get someone (Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox,  to wear a T-shirt promoting myself and this little blog I rather half-heartedly put together a rough draft of what I think could be the most awesome T-shirt since Ed Hardy smoked all that crack.

What do you think?

Would you buy one?  If not… would you wear one for free?  If not… would you at least use it as a dust rag?

I dunno… I think they’re pretty awesome.

Did You Look In Your Butt?


I’m five.  I’ll admit it.  I chuckle every time I fart and laugh when some poor sap gets kicked in the crotch on America’s Funniest Home Videos.  I can’t help it and I think it’s okay for me to do so because I don’t try to act like it’s not funny.

Sometimes when Bunny is in another room, I’ll strip down to my underwear and then create a makeshift pair of thong underwear with my boxer briefs and then walk by her as if nothing has happened like this:

Crap.  The image of myself in a makeshift pair of thong underwear has been deleted by my blog provider.  Oh well… moving on…

When I walk by her I might say something like, “Do you like my body?” to get her attention.

She’ll slowly adjust her gaze from what ever she’s doing while saying, “What are you talking abo……… OH GAWD!!!! WHAT IF THE NEIGHBORS WALKED IN!!”

Anyway… I’m telling you all this to illustrate my adolescent nature and penchant for being shockingly semi-crude sometimes.  From this semi-crude/adolescent behavior has evolved perhaps my most favorite saying which in answer to most any question brings a grin to the five-year-old boy stuck in a 31 year-old body.

Lets say, my wife and I are walking out of the supermarket and she can’t remember where she parked the car.  “Honey,” she’ll ask, “Do you remember where I parked the car?”

I’ll respond, “Uh… no.  Did you look in your butt?”

Another example could be that Bunny and I are frantically trying to find DLG’s birth certificate because we need to get a copy of her social security card we seem to have misplaced.  At the height of extreme frustration, when nothing seems to be going right, Bunny will probably scream something like, “AAAARRRRG!!! Where did we put that damn thing!!”

I’ll quietly and confidently ask her, “Did you look in your butt?”

Perhaps one day when I’m the smartest man on the planet (as a result of some highly controversial science experiment) and a contestant on the show “Jeopardy”, Alex Trebek will ask me under “Cat Anatomy” for $600:  “In one theory, purring comes from membranes in the throat called ‘false’ these.”

I’ll buzz in and say, “What is ‘Did you look in you butt’, Alex?”

Alex Trebek: hasn’t looked in his butt

Regardless of whether you’re a goody-two-shoes or not, you have to admit that replying to someones question with such an off-the-wall answer makes you want to bust out laughing.

I’m serious!!  Just try it!  I want you all to try it out and come back here and tell me how it went.

If you say, “Papa K… I’ve got better things to do that ask that question!”

I’ll just say, “Like what?   Looking in your butt?”

Papa K’s New Years Resolutions for 2011


Last year, I made a resolution to get back in “pre-Papa K” shape… I failed.

I also made resolutions to grow this blog to where I garnered a certain number of hits and comments per day… I succeeded.

Lastly, as sort of an afterthought, I wanted to get DLG potty trained in a years time… mission accomplished.

I guess that two out of three ain’t bad.

So, that begs the question… what am I going to resolve to do this year?

I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo on my face or learn how to hang from my scrotum and channel the pain into small energy bursts I can throw at pencil-thin moustached bad guys… but I don’t know how reasonable those resolutions are.

I could always resolve to sell my soul in exchange for Ryan Reynolds abs… but I know I won’t do it.  Mainly because my soul is worth much more to be than some well-defined abdominal muscles and I’m pretty sure than Ryan Reynolds employs a sorcerer to keep himself looking like that.

Ryan Reynolds abs: a source of good eating habits and proper exercise… or the product of evil black magic and ancient sorcery?  I chose the latter.

If I want to attain something of consequence in the year 2011, I have to strive to do something that is no SO far-fetched that it’s unattainable yet something that requires a modicum of effort not normally achieved during my normal, every day routine.

So, while I certainly will try to feel as though I am again living in my 21-year-old body, I am going to accomplish these goals for the 2011 AD:

 – I’m going to stop drinking AMP Energy Drink.

Amp Energy Drink: if I continue… I fear it will kill me eventually

This shit is addicting and for some reason I fell into its magnetic pull.  I wake up in the morning NEEDING IT as I’m sure some people need their morning coffee.  Well… I’m done.  One day fifty years from now, everyone who regularly drank energy drinks is going to unexplainably self-destruct.  I’m sure of it and for this reason I need to stop.

 – I’m going to write a book

Now… I didn’t say I was going to get a book published or say if it was going to be a children’s book or even if it was only going to be two pages… all I’m saying is that I’m going to write a book.  It’s going to be epic.. would you expect anything less from me?

I’ll even give you a sneak peak by giving you the title I’ve tirelessly struggled with for weeks: “To Kill A Mockingbird”.  Pretty catchy, eh?

The Papa K Family is going to move

We unsuccessfully tried to sell our house this year but that has not squelched the desire for us to pick up and move to a new place.  We’ve lived in our starter home since October 2005 and while it’ll always hold a special place in our hearts… there’s no more rooms to try and make babies in so we need a bigger house with more rooms.

Bunny hates my “Dole” shirt

While Bunny has a never-ending checklist of amenities for a new house… I have only one: I need a man-cave.

And lastly:

 – It would be really great to get a celebrity to submit to my Fanroll

I plug my damn Fanroll constantly with minimal participation… and that’s cool.  I get that people are busy and it’s asking a lot of readers to take pictures of themselves proving their devotion to me (then emailing them to me at papak4324@live.com).  I get it.  Really I do.  But I would poop my pants if I got even a semi-famous, Z-list celebrity (Any band member from O-Town, etc.) to submit their picture to my fanroll.

I know, I know… you’re saying, “But Papa K… they put on their pants one leg at a time just like you!”

Yes, I’m aware of that… don’t rain on my parade.

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So, those are my resolutions for 2011.  Which of mine are you looking most forward to coming to fruition?  What are your resolutions?  Do you want to submit a picture to my Fanroll?  What is the capitol of Uranus?

Seriously folks, thanks for reading me this year… I’ve got lots of stuff planned for 2011 to write about and I’m happy you’re here along for the ride.

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If you’re going to spend NYE out on the town than be safe out there.  As my dad would say, “There’s a bunch of idiots out on the road tonight.”

 

Santa Is A Real Asshole (A Papa K Archive Pick)


I’m on the verge of taking a small hiatus from blogging to fine tune my writing and perhaps upgrade a few aspects of this here blog… so stay tuned. 

In the meantime… let’s take a trip down memory lane shall we…

I wrote this last Christmas.  I think it’s funny.  You decide.

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It’s Christmas again and once again we’re bombarded with Christmas music.  Have you ever really listened to the Christmas song “I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus”?  Allow me to indulge you for a moment:

Christmas toys all over the place
Little Shelby wears a funny smile on his face
Shelby has a secret
And the secret he must share
He wants to tell somebody
So he tells his teddy bear

I saw Mama kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then, I saw Mama tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mama kissing Santa Claus last night

Okay… so… this song was written in 1952… times were much more innocent back then.  I realize that “Santa Claus” is probably “Daddy” dressed up as Santa but if you are to take this song literally… it makes this whole situation seem ripe for the Jerry Springer show.

First of all, if you don’t realize the playful nature of this song and that Shelby is probably just peeking in on his dad and mom kissing under the mistletoe you might accidentally think that Mama is cheating on Daddy with this old, fat, hairy bastard.

Santa should never be trusted to be alone with your wife

Despite the fact that this song was written over 50 years ago… there’s still something deeply disturbing about it!  All of us listening to it might say, “Oh! Ha, I get it!!  Shelby is actually just seeing his Dad and Mom have a sweet Christmas Eve kiss!  He’s just misunderstanding what’s really going on!  How cute!”

Well let me tell you something people… Shelby actually thinks his Mom is getting it on with SANTA CLAUS while Daddy is (more than likely) asleep!!  And he thinks Daddy would have laughed about it!!  I’ll tell you what I would have done if I had gotten out of bed to find my wife mugging down and “tickling the beard” of some random fat dude in our house… I’d have collapsed his frontal lobe with the nearest blunt object I could find.

What happens after Shelby creeps back to bed?  Does he lay there and worry about if he should tell Daddy or not?  Does he pray that his Mom and Dad don’t get divorced because Dad can’t “clean her chimney” like Santa can?  Does he cover his head with his pillow to muffle the sound of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho’s” and Mama’s “Oh-oh-oh’s”?

What kind of light does this song shed on Santa?  It makes him sound like a real slut.  He gets one night a year away from Mrs. Claus and apparently he takes the opportunity to get his game on.  Mrs. Claus thinks he’s off spreading good will.  Well… I’m here  to tell you Mrs. Claus that that’s not the only thing he’s spreading.

Anyway… I think the song is a little dated for where our world is at this point in time.  Santa should stick with gifts and stockings… not Mama’s fun bags. 

Santa’s been pulling the wool (in more ways than one) over our eyes for years…

Barney The Purple Dinosaur: The True Hollywood Story


If you Google, “What kind of dinosaur is Barney The Big Purple Gay Ass Dinosaur” you’ll find out that at one time he came from a tribe of dinosaurs known as “Tyrannosaurus Rex” that roamed the Earth during the late Cretaceous period an estimated 92 million years ago.  This dinosaur was responsible for eating countless other dinosaurs, reaking havoc on a colossal scale and may just have been the main cause for the extinction of all dinosaurs when they ate everything on the planet including each other.  The “T. Rex”, as it’s more commonly called, weighed 5-7 TONS and was known for its fiery temper.  The T. Rex’s serrated teeth were most likely used to pierce and grip flesh, which it then ripped away with its brawny neck muscles.  Some idiots maintain that he was able to eat up to 500 pounds in A SINGLE BITE!!

Barney was born into this fearsome tribe of dinosaurs but from the get-go he was always a little… different:

“Son… get that dumb ass hat off your head RIGHT NOW!” was a common phrase coming from the steel jaws of Barney’s mother.

Barney the Tyrannosaurus Rex didn’t like to rip the flesh from a still living (yet slowly dying from massive blood loss) Edmontosaurus or Triceratops!  He wanted to sing.  He wanted to dance.  He wanted to count to seven in creative ways!  Most of all he wanted to jump high in the air and say “SUPER-D-DUPER!” then giggle in an incessantly after doing so.

This did not amuse anyone.

His classmates at “Eviscerate and Decapitate Elementary” made fun of him for his gentle ways.  Sometimes the bullying was so extreme they would toss him the shallow graves of recently consumed Anatotitan body parts that were deemed unhealthy to eat.

His parents, ever the ruthless and demonic dinosaurs they were, didn’t like that he didn’t like to eat other living things or that he seemed to be headed down a path of unimaginable passiveness.  So, going against every fiber of their being, they decided not put him out of his misery by consuming him and instead released him into the wild and let nature take its course against the gentle, incredibly annoying dinosaur they’d somehow spawned.

Barney, feeling the pressure to conform to the way society was at that time, decided to speed up nature’s process by going on his own terms… and pitched himself off a cliff into the icy waters known now as the Pacific ocean. 

What can only be described as a miracle, Barney somehow went unconscious before his life expired while bobbing in the icy Pacific.  He did not drown.  He did not die.  In fact… he continued to live on as the icy waters slowed down his heart rate just enough to keep him alive while ice encapsulated his entire body and he eventually became permanently affixed in a slow-moving glacier (but as we’ll soon find out… maybe not quite so permanent).

92 million years went by and Barney continued to live on in a sort of hyper sleep.  A lot happened while he slept and/or was in a coma.  More dinosaurs roamed the Earth and died off, Cavemen hit cavewomen with clubs, Marilyn Monroe married Joe Dimaggio then divorced Joe Dimaggio, the hula hoop was invented and Justin Bieber was born.  It wasn’t until a Carnival Cruise Ship named The Chocolate Starfish on its way through Alaska nearly struck the glacier he was floating inside of and the cruise line picked him out of the water thinking they might sell him on the black market in exchange for cruise ship workers and cheap box wine.

This didn’t happen though because Barney defrosted on the deck of The Chocolate Starfish several hours later and woke up from his 92 million year slumber.

What happened next made it clear why God had chosen Barney to be stay alive all these millions of years: children loved him.

While Barney had learned how to swallow 500 pounds of Triceratops flesh without gagging 92 million years ago… he’d never learned about this thing called “love” and “compassion” that these “children” of these “humans” seemed to exude.

He was born 92 million years to early in the body of a carnivorous monster who wanted nothing more than to be loved… and now he was.

As it is with most 92 million year old, carnivorous, wild animals though… his lack of tact and his born instincts got the better of him and he swallowed a couple of unusually happy kids considering they were being swallowed:

No sooner had Barney been freed from his ice prison than he was placed in a prison of six-foot concrete walls and double reinforced iron bars for consuming two human children.

It wasn’t until several years later under the court of law on two charges of “Consumption of Unknowing Children” that Barney came face to face with what would be his life calling.  The presiding judge, seeing that the suspect was nothing more than a giant reptile incapable or really knowing right from wrong, decided to drop the charges and slap a lifelong charge of community service to make amends for what he had done. 

Barney, wanting nothing more to do with his old life, decided to go under the knife and through the magic of plastic surgery create what he viewed of himself.  He didn’t feel like a 7-ton, scaly, sharp-toothed menace to society!  He felt like a rotund, purple, blunt-toothed menace to parent’s sanity.

So that’s what he became:

To make up for eating the two children, he dedicated his lifelong community service to making children happy… and parents suicidal.

Unbelievable, after 92 million years plus… Barney got his own television show and began clouding people’s memories about those two kids he ate.  So much so in fact… that parents let their kids hug Barney, kiss Barney and tell Barney THEY LOVE HIM! 

What an unbelievable story, eh?

Despite knowing everything there is to know about Barney’s storied, troubled, cannibalistic past, I know DLG loves him so and as a result of her winning a contest (thanks to all you voters BTW) she got to be on stage with Barney in a recent show.  While I was initially reluctant… I crumbled under her baby blue-eyed stare and let her go. This was on the condition that I was close by while she was on stage lest Barney revert back to his child-eating at which point I’d shove a carefully hidden shunt I’d sneaked into the show deep into his brain stem.

It’s amazing to me that they’re able to pinpoint his birthday when it happened in the Cretaceous period.

That’s our friend who gave up her Friday evening to go to the Barney show with us… yes… that’s not a typo

HOLY SHIT!! There he is!  He’s got that crazy look in his eyes!  Well… maybe that’s just Botox injections.

“DLG… if he trys to put your head in his mouth I will use the Samurai sword I snuck in to slice him in two perfectly symmetrical halves”

HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WHAT THEY HELL IS THAT!!!

While being incredibly nervous that my child is about to meet a dinosaur that’s been known to eat children… I’m remarkably calm…

It appeared to me that Barney was starting to get that look in his eye… but I think it’s probably all the medical marijuana he’s smoking for his cataracts

Don’t think that I didn’t know that orange motherfucker with the green boils behind me was staring at my ass…

So despite Barney’s torrid, almost unbelievable past, we had a pretty good time.  That is… until Baby Bop, Barney’s Triceratops friend, impaled a cotton candy vendor on one of her horns and ran from the arena frothing at the mouth.

THE END

Search Engine Silliness, Part 2


The internet is like… big and stuff.  A lot of people use it.  A lot of them use search engines (Google, Bing, AskJeeves, etc.) to help them find what they’re looking for.  What follows are search engine terms that people have used to find my blog (quite mistakenly I assume) for the last several months.

So I present them to you for your entertainment (search engine terms in bold).

Wanna see part one?  Click here.

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im not crying my eyes just decided to pee
You might want to get that checked out

you’re not wrong you’re just an asshole walter
Wait… what?  Who’s Walter?

hypnotize yourself to poop yourself
Note to self: become hypnotist, then make people poop themselves

can a grandma wear a thong on the beach
She can!! I’ve seen her!!  In Boca Raton:

does mens pee go all over the toilet
Undoubtedly written by a pissed off woman

how to break your leg without it hurting
Answer: smoke a bunch of crack

at hooters do they rub their boobs in your face
Typed by an eager 13 year old boy on his birthday.  Wishful thinking… but no.

why does muno look like a dildo
I’ve honestly wondered the same thing myself:

pamela anderson forehead
That’s probably the first time in the history of the internet someone has searched for Pamela Anderson’s FOREHEAD

does farting on someones pillow give them pink eye
I sure hope not… Bunny just went to sleep and I farted on her pillow earlier!

let me twist your nipples
No thanks.  I’ll leave that to myself thank you very much

blue berry muffin tattoos
What a great idea for my next tattoo!  I love blueberry muffins!!

my mom kicked me in balls some times ago
Well I’m sorry to hear that

things better than boobs
Whoever typed that in a search engine came to the WRONG place because them are fightin’ words!!!

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Yes… I’m stalling again.  I’m working on answering all your questions.  I’m about halfway done.  Should be up within 24 hours from now.

Don’t lynch me.