Category Archives: Endorsements

Of Myself or Otherwise

Spiked Heels Look Good And Could Kill Someone


Having an interest in heels doesn’t have to scare a man away. While (I hear) heels aren’t the most comfortable shoe to wear 16 hours a day, they do add to the sensuality of a woman. It’s hard to be slump shouldered in a pair of heels meaning they force her to stick her chest out and walk with a little zip in her do-da.

Why wouldn’t we, as men, take an interest in our women’s interest in high heel shoes? While they aren’t something that affect the way we look, it does affect the way our wife/girlfriend/robot wife feels about themselves which in turn makes them happy. Aaaaand if there’s one thing I know to be absolutely true, it’s “if mama ain’t happy… ain’t nobody happy.”

I ain’t no fashion expert. I certainly didn’t know how to dress the better part of my life before Bunny stepped into it and showed me that dressing like the Salvation Army had thrown up on me wasn’t going to make her swoon over me too much longer. Regardless of the fact I used to dress like Billy Madison, I have been able to pick out shoes for her since we’ve been together.

Call it… a gift.

So the other day when we were walking through Dillards I stopped at the sight of some shoes that looked like this:

What appears to be a medieval torture device is actually a shoe

“Ooooooo honey you’d look great in these naked with that new outfit you bought!” I said.

She actually rolled her eyes at me! ME! The shoe aficionado!!

Ever since that moment, I’ve tried to talk her in to buying a pair because I think that they’ll grow on her! I’ve also come to find out that wearing this spiked footwear is quite the rage with the famous folk and cause some fairly significant damage to someones ass should you choose to kick it.

I don't know who this person is but they appear to be famous and are wearing spiked shoes. Isn't that enough of a reason?

I mean, c’mon… at least I’m not asking her to wear this:

These shoes were made for GWAR

While I certainly don’t suggest that my wife wear high-heeled shoes without any clothes on all the time, I do think she could make a pair of these look EXTREMELY sexy.

 Your thoughts on this spiked footwear? Perhaps if I get enough positive feedback than I can get Bunny convinced that this is really the coolest thing since rat-tails.
 
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For those of you interested in reading some more of my stuff, I’ve got a guest spot on a new entertainment website called Joe Crazy! It’s so crazy… I can hardly contain myself. Anyway, I wrote about the 10 Celebrities Who’ve Cheated Death (So Far). I think you’ll find it both entertaining and emotionally stimulating.
 
Seriously… go there. Make a comment! NOW!!

Like The New Digs? It’s Still A Work In Progress.


I’m making a few new changes ’round here. What do you think of them? They’re of the “Free on WordPress” variety but I think the ol’ blog needed a little overhaul don’t you?

I’ve updated a few pages. Feel free to check them out if you like (here, here or here). Nothing huge… but it still leaves me up until 1:30 in the morning to do (It’s called “having OCD”).

Since this is a post about nothing, I might as well make it worthwhile and plug my Facebook and Twitter page. If you don’t follow them already then you need to.

More to come.

I’m An Asshole


I haven’t called.

I haven’t written.

Hell… I haven’t made a single attempt in the last several weeks to reach out to you: my readers.

I’m like that person you dated who you really, really liked and you thought everything was cool only have me not call you back, return your texts, avoid you in the hallway, assimilate myself somewhere else other than where you are or do everything I can to avoid eye contact with you at 7-11 because if I do that means I have to talk to you.

I, my dear readers (of whom many I have lost I’m sure), am an ass.

What if I were to tell you that I want you back?

What if I were to tell you that I’ve seen the error in my ways? That it wasn’t you… it was me? I just needed to find myself! To spread my wings and fly only to find myself back here where I belong!

C’mon… I’m crying here…

I sold myself and my talents to the industry giants who paid me only to throw my talent to the curb like I was a dirty, snot soaked tissue incapable of absorbing any more phlegm or containing one more rouge booger.

WHO ARE THEY? THEY DON’T KNOW ME!

You know me… and I missed you.

I’m coming back. It’s official… if you’ll take me (and tell everyone we’re back together via email, Facebook, Twitter, carrier pigeon, etc.).

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Oh, and in case you haven’t noticed, I’m making a few changes! I know it kinda looks like poop right now but I’m doin’ the best I can with the time I have.

Word homeys.

I’m Considering Something Quite Extraordinary


I’ve never been one to commit to something and not try to be the best at it.

It’s my OCD I suppose.

Perhaps it is also why I haven’t been able to get back on the blogging horse. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to commit the time that I want to towards it. While writing is a joy to me it also becomes a job when trying to think of something to write about every day.

Unfortunatly, I think about new ideas and themes for a blog all the time.

Now… I think I may have one.

One that won’t require a heaping amount of time yet I would still be able to feed that insatiable desire I have to spout either widsom or crude jokes regarding bodily functions.

I’m on the precipice. I’m about to pull the trigger but know that commiting to blogging again will take effort.

By the way… can I borrow $17?

A Dream Realized


We all have dreams.

Some of us might have aspirations to make lots of money, have a huge bubbly butt or meet Carson Daly.

TRL? More like “TRSEXY!”

One of my dreams, for a while, has been to have a man cave.

When Bunny and I began to search for a new house several months ago, my one and only request was to have a place to call my own.

I didn’t care what it turned out to be. It could have been a third garage, it could have been attic space, it could have been a closet, it could have been a freakin’ sod house for all I cared. I just wanted a place where I could get away. A place where I might be able to kick back, watch a baseball game and look at the newest swimsuit issu…. er, book with words in it (no pictures!).

We looked at what seemed like two billion houses. Some with a media room, some with a third garage, some with sheds in the back yard and one with what appeared to be a room where they kept their demon possessed child.

Since I’m a simple man with few requests when it comes to buying a house, I saw potential in each of these rooms (except the satanic one). I could imagine a projector and screen, a wall filled with nothing but a wide selection of movies and a space to set all my Texas Ranger’s paraphernalia. Each room would have been suitable for my needs… but Bunny couldn’t find what tickled her multiple fancies in any home.

Bunny needed an island in the kitchen, a floor plan that included a “mother-in-law plan”, a gas stove, bigger master closet (for all those damn shoes), an office, four bedrooms and cubby where she can store the lock of Justin Biebers hair she bought on eBay for $4,000.

My one request was indeed easier to fill than Bunny’s multiple needs because we eventually “settled” on a house that lacked the “mother-in-law plan” and cubby for her Justin Bieber lock of hair.

Unbelievably, it had the best man cave option of all.

So without further ado, allow me to let you (ladies included) to view within the confines of my man cave.

Looks fairly unassuming right?

BOOM! (Notice the manly Dora the Explorer seat next to the manly recliner)

What’s a man cave without an ode to his favorite professional team?

What’s a man cave without a wall FULL of autographed pictures of famous hotties! Okay… so it’s not full… YET. I’m working on it.

What’s a man cave without a line of autographed baseballs SURROUNDING the perimeter of the recessed lighting above? Okay… so it’s not surrounding the perimeter just yet… but I’m working on it.

What’s a man cave without a GIGANTIC television!!! Okay… so it’s not gigantic YET… I’m working on that too.

Quite frankly, before you get a judgey and say, “Well… that man cave doesn’t look all that spectacular!” just remember that we just moved in about a month ago. Aside from spending a small fortune on the movers, a new fence, a new refrigerator, a security system and a professionally installed stripper pole for Bunny’s strip aerobics I feel like the man cave looks pretty effing awesome.

My long-range plans include surround sound, a bar complete with bar stools, some theatre style seating, shag carpet and a piranha aquarium.

The man cave is a work in progress but it will always be a place where I can go to wind down and ponder the dreams I’ve been so lucky to see come together in my lifetime.

I must be doing something right.

It’s Not You… It’s Me


It’s not you… it’s me.

If you’ve ever had your heart broken then you’ve probably heard the above phrase.  Unfortunately… you’re going to hear it again.

It’s not you… it’s me.

Can we just be friends?

Blogging is a lot of fun.  Unfortunately, it’s more of an avocation than a vocation for me at this point and it doesn’t pay the bills.  I tend to be a perfectionist and the time it takes me to perfect each posting can take me well into the morning hours at times.

For these reasons I’ve decided to take a massive step back at trying to become the worlds most massive blog for the time being.  Additionally, it has and will become and even lower priority over the next several months for the following reasons:

     1.  We finally sold our house (including the giant wine glass) and have signed the dotted line to move into another one.  If you’ve ever moved before you’ll understand the time and effort it takes to move your pile of shit from one place to another.

     2.  Along with my part-time, work-from-home job, I have been fortunate enough to find a freelance opportunity that will pay me to write!  Couple those opportunities together with chasing around a two-year-old and that makes for a pretty full schedule.

     3.  I’m putting a softball team together for the spring.  It’s been over a decade since I’ve been competitive (unless you count rowing or that strong man competition) in ANYTHING!!  I’m finally taking the bull by the horns and putting together my own team.  We’ll play a double-header every Wednesday night for the next several months. 

     4.  Baseball season is almost here.  Last season my Texas Rangers went to the World Series and that is only because I watched every single game that season.  I plan on doing the same this season.

     5.  Bunny has certain “demands”.  This is nothing new but it is the truth.  We need our date nights, our alone time and our time to play with DLG.  By the grace of God himself I have started to do a little cooking and I know that this excites her and takes time from me being able to orchestrate thoughts on a computer screen.

     6.  I’ve been going back to the gym.  I’ve managed to lose about 10 pounds as of this moment and I plan on keeping up the momentum.  I don’t want to waste away into a Slim Jim but I am eager to look like someone on the front cover of Men’s Health.

     7.  I’m having penile enlargement surgery.  I’m kidding.  I was just seeing if you were paying attention.

All of these things just added to the daily struggles I (and I’m sure all of you) deal with… blogging is the weakest link.  While I still plan on keeping my blog updated it won’t be the regular three to four posts you see from me a week.  You’ll be lucky to get that in a month at this point!

I’ll still be around.  I’ll still post occasionally.  I’ll pop in to post unattractive pictures of myself for your amusement at times like this one:

You can still follow me on Facebook and Twitter and submit pictures to my Fanroll if you so desire. 

I can never fully let go of blogging I and hope you can never fully let go of me either.

This isn’t good-bye, but rather… until next time.

I’m just so damn busy.

It’s not you… it’s me.

Boobs, Pizookie Then The Snuggie… In That Order


I’ve made it no secret to everyone that reads my blog that I love boobs.  No God-fearing, heterosexual man with two working eyeballs and fully functional reproductive organs would disagree with me.  That is… unless they claim to be more a fan of the derriere, which I happen to be a big fan of too… but it is simply not in the same league as it’s two cousins from the north.

On the list of my favorite things, following shortly after boobs, is my favorite dessert from a restaurant called “BJ’s Restaurant and Brewery” (I’ve included the link for you in case you decided to search “BJ’s” on Google… you probably won’t find the restaurant).  There are no desserts in the Universe that are so simple yet bring you so close to ultimate orgasmic fulfillment as this ice cream/cookie treat.  May I present “The Pizookie“:

Ooh… Oooooooooh… OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!  I need a cigarette.

Those two lone items have remained on the “objects of my affection” list for years and only until just recently has a third item joined the club.

It was last weekend when we were out of town attending my eldest nieces wedding.  Bunny and I were at a party hosted by the newly married couple when the mother of the bride (my sister) walked into the house carrying a zebra print “Snuggie” and my eyes became saucer-like.  I haven’t been a stranger to the sudden Snuggie phenomenon… I knew quite well what they were (blankets with sleeves) but I’d never had an opportunity to “wear” one.  Now that my sister was standing in the doorway with a Snuggie the opportunity was there… and I took full advantage of it:

I’m positive Heaven is where Snuggies came from. 

As I sat there on my new newphew-in-law’s video game rocker, the Snuggie melded with my DNA and began interlocking with the video game rocker on a molecular level.  I was slowly becoming the video game rocker itself!  Granted, a video game rocker with a head… but a video game rocker nonetheless. 

It was the most comfortable I’d been since I discovered what it was like to not wear underpants.

1. Boobs

2. Pizookie

3. Snuggie

In that order.

What’s your order?

Fame Looks Good On Me


As long as I can remember… I’ve always wondered what it would be like to see my face splattered across the front page of People Magazine.

Yeah… fame looks something exactly like that…

I am a self-declared “Extroverted Introvert”… for good reason… but there’s always been that side of me who wants to be acknowledged universally for what a unique species of man-meat that I am.  I think all of us have that little bit of self-indulgence that needs to be fed every once and a while.

So… feed my ego and nudge my self-indulgence a bit as I inch closer to super-stardom.

You can do this by visiting the TWO places I’ve guest posted for this week.  Visit them.  Bring them traffic.  Help them reap the rewards of hosting such a literary genius as myself on their blogs for a day.

The first is located at “Just Me – Kirsty“.  Kirsty is fairly new to blogging but runs a pretty active parenting forum called “Mummy Brain“.  It’s “Mummy” (Not Mommy) Brain because Kristy happens to be from NEW ZEALAND!!  How cool is that!!  Check both of them out… or I’ll tell my mom.

Secondly, check out the greatness I wrote for Gucci Mama.  It’s one of only a few things I’ve written where I can say from beginning to end it really flows really well.  Bunny even gave it “A TEN”.  She’s my most honest critic so you know if she liked it it has to be good!  It happens to be about my innate ability to pick out high-heel shoes for her.  No… I’m not even the slightest bit gay… I just think I’ve evolved well above other male human beings… that’s just my opinion anyway.

Seriously though… read it.  It’s good stuff.

For a list of all my other guest posts you can click this phrase:  Kim Kardashian doesn’t know what she’s missing by not following me on Twitter.

Fame… I can smell it. 

Wait!  Gross… that’s not fame…

My Challenge To Myself


I’m no Leo Tolstoy (he wrote War and Peace… I had to look that up) but I think I’m getting better at this writing stuff.  I’ve been blogging and writing for a little over a year and a half now (between Hands to War and Virtual Hugs) and like most things… the continual repetition of doing the “same ol’ thing” gets a little stale.  Just like your sex life… sometimes you gotta spice it up!

I’m also the competitive type and enjoy a good challenge.

So I’m going to do a little bit of both.

To break the repetition (or at least I feel like it’s repetitious) of my normal posts where I write whatever crap comes to my head that day… I’m going to plant a link at the end of each post guiding you to a blog that I frequent.  I’ve made a few friends in the blogosphere and a few acquaintances and perhaps a few people who have no idea who I am or care to know who I am but I still like their stuff anyway.  This month, it’s all about sharing the love of my (6) readers to my BB’s (otherwise known as “Bloggy Buddies”… I just made that up).

As far as quenching my need for competition I’m going to try to write a post for every single day of the month (that’s 30) so by the end of June I’ll have posted every day this month.  Hopefully, if I’m able to accomplish this “30 posts in 30 days” challenge, I’ll also reel in my 1000th comment on Hands To War.

There may be some days where the post may not be that long… but there will be something there dammit.

Being a writer is something that is fairly new to me but I think it’s in my blood.  If I can challenge myself to come up with new material every day for a month… then I think it’s something I can prove to myself I can do.

Wish me luck!

Oh… and comment… I feed off them.  Feel free to suggest something for me to write about… I’d be happy to consider anything!

I’m A Simple Man


Several months ago for my birthday, my beautiful wife fulfilled my every fantasy and took some boudoir photographs for me which I eagerly filled up a picture album with.  I enjoy “reading” it from time to time… okay… all the time.

Unfortunately for her, I suffer from OCD tendencies, so I’m constantly obsessing about new things I can do with these pictures.  I wanted to get a poster of my favorite “pose” and hang it in the garage but haven’t been able to find a place that can blow up a large poster with very good resolution (yet… if you know of one let me know).  I thought about getting my favorite picture on a t-shirt… but I wouldn’t really be able to wear it out.  Then, after some internet research, I finally decided what item would be the least expensive yet most useful and fun:

Voila!  That would be bunny on a frosted beer mug.

I’d show you a closer image… but Bunny would smash me like a taco shell

I drink a few beers on the weekend and what would I rather have looking me in the eye while I’m drinking a beer than Bunny in lingerie? 

Absolutely nothing.