Category Archives: Excercise/Physical Fitness

I’m trying for that six-pack… one day… in like 8 million years…

Ripped Pecs To Man Boobs And Back Again


For the final week of February I had chosen to write all about boobs.

Well it’s the final day of the final week and I am still going to stick to my plan.

But I’m gonna talk about my boobs.

My man-boobs.

There was a time when my boobs weren’t boobs… they were rippled pecs. 

I’m 31-years-old these days and although I may appear not to be overweight… I can feel myself slipping away.  I used to be able to eat ice cream every night, beer every weekend and an entire pizza if I was hungry enough and still look like this:

Circa 2005

Now, after years of consuming mass quantities of various crap foods without consequence… it’s finally starting to catch up with me:

Circa a few months ago…

Or this:

Circa a year ago…

Or more specifically this:

And this:

I’ll spare you a picture of my sagging breasts even though I know you’re begging to see them.

I’ve been noticing my body taking the “I’m a married man with kids and I’m just comfortable” form for a while.  While I still think it’s humanly impossible for me to become grossly obese it doesn’t mean I’m impervious to being grossly out of shape, overly buoyant or just looking like a pasty outta shape dude.

I’ve alluded to taking this weight gain seriously on this blog several times and set out to obtain Ryan Reynold’s abs numberous times… but nothing has materialized.

But luckily for me, my wife sprung this question on me several weeks ago, “Hey honey… do you want to do Weight Watchers with me?’

I was in the process of cooking some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls for breakfast but I didn’t waste a second in answering her, “Yes.  Absolutely.”

It was that morning almost three weeks ago that I decided to get happy with my body (and my man-boobs) again.  I’ve started sweating my ass off in the gym and sticking to the Weight Watchers method of eating correctly for almost three weeks.

And I’ve lost nine pounds already and my beer gut is steadily shrinking along with my second chin.  My nipples may point straight ahead again some day.

I’ve never dieted before… EVER.  I’ve never had to.  But my age is showing and I’ve got to adapt.  I’m ready to be ripped again.  I’m ready to be sexy again like Bunny.

You wait and see.  It’ll happen.  I’m gonna be a sexy beast (with a six-pack).

It Seems I Ain’t No Spring Chicken Any More


My back is killing me.

Before we were married, I used this same back to help Bunny move her washer and dryer out of her apartment and into a new apartment ALL BY MYSELF.

I used this same back to help my father clear the pastureland on our 301 acre farm back home by throwing huge branches he’d just cut down into a rapidly growing brush pile.

It was with this same back that I flipped a 530lb tire over four times in a strong man competition.

It was with this same back that helped me lift countless weight in the gym since I was thirteen years old.

This back helped me throw an 85 MPH fastball as a sophomore in high school.

This back has been there for me the last 30+ years when I’ve needed it the most.

Now… it must be really pissed at me for never giving it enough credit.  It doesn’t even let me get out of bed in the morning without making me ooze out of bed like I’m 90 years old!  Or bend over to snatch clean dishes from the dishwasher without grimacing like I’ve just stepped on a tack!  Or walk like I’m pretending to carry a watermelon between my knees!  Or take a dump without having the most spectacular posture anyone in the history of the world has ever had while taking a dump!

I very stupidly have tried to push through the pain as though it was nothing more than an annoyance to my daily activities.  Usually after I took some ibuprofen and stretched out a bit… it would feel a little better.  So what would I do?  Well… I would do something like break the coffee table with my bubble butt or rearrange the furniture or mow the lawn as fast as I could or awkwardly yank DLG out of her car seat because I didn’t want to take the time to better position myself where it wouldn’t strain my back.

The result of all this is me barely being able to lay DLG into bed without holding back the urge to yelp in pain.

I’m about to turn 31 and beginning to realize the superhuman ability I used to have that enabled me to recover from seemingly minor injuries in under 24 hours… is rapidly starting to dissipate.  I’ve been waiting over two weeks for the pain in my back to magically disappear when I get up in the morning and it hasn’t happened.

You may not realize this… but one of the prerequisites of being a full-time Dad is to have a fully functioning back.  Without it, you won’t be able to fling your kid in the air to their never-ending delight or crawl into the tunnels in the Chick-Fil-A play area to snatch your kid when they won’t cooperate or comfortably complete the simplest task of picking them up to kiss their boo-boo when they’ve hurt themself.

I wish it was the year 3010 so I could just purchase a new robotic back that included a jet-pack but since I’m stuck with the one I got then I guess I better start learning to take better care of it.  I’m gonna start by 4-wheeling to the nearest doctors office.

Healthy back = more moments like this

The Papa K “At Home” Workout


If you’re like a lot people… you find it hard to make it to the gym every day.  Maybe you had to work late.  Maybe you had to meet a client after normal working hours.  Maybe you ran over a homeless man in your car.  Maybe you couldn’t wait any longer to get that sex change operation.  Maybe you think your gym is ground zero for the next meteor shower.  Maybe you urinated in your big boy pants.  Maybe you can’t afford those high priced “at-home gyms”!

Believe it or not… this one folds up nicely and can be placed in your garage.  You’ll only have to give up TWO parking spaces!

Or maybe you can’t afford to have this chick to scream at you all the time…

Jillian Michaels tells a Biggest Loser contestant to slim down or she will punch her in the neck… or necks…

Whatever the reason… here are some simple exercises you can do at home to get yourself that body you always wanted… and you don’t have to spend ANY MONEY!!!

BUT FIRST… ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO STRETCH

Touch your toes

Jog in place

Pull your face back

Rip your sc0tum doing the splits

NOW THAT YOU’RE WARM, AND YOUR SCROTUM IS FOREVER TORN IN TWO… YOU’RE READY TO BEGIN

Push-ups (works your chest, biceps, triceps)

 

Push yourself up… then let yourself down.  Repeat 300 times.

Sit-ups (works your abs)

 

Sit on the floor with you hands behind your head.  Lower yourself to the floor using your abs then back up again.  Repeat 5000 times.

Triceps Extension w/ Dog (triceps)

 

Find a small dog (or one you’re able to life above your head), grab in by the front legs and lower behind your head.  Slowly extend the dog over your head and sqeeeeeeeeze those triceps.  Feel the burn.  Repeat 800 times.

Bench Press with Pillows (chest)

Find the largest pillow on your couch and press it until you see stars.  If you accidentally drop it on your face it won’t hurt… because it’s a pillow.

Tear a phonebook in half (wrists, forearms)

Tear the largest, fattest phone book you can find IN HALF!!!

… but if you can’t… then find something you’re more capable of tearing in half… like a page from your wife’s day by day calendar.

Blink Hard (eyelids)

 

Open your eyes as wide as you can… then shut them really hard and fast.  This will help you become lightening fast at blinking.  Repeat until you cry.

Smell Hard (nose)

Suck in with your nose so hard that you pass out.  Then get up and do it again  you big pansy.

Couch press (Quads)

Put one end of the couch on your back then slowly squat to the ground and lift yourself back up again.  Repeat until you crap your pants.

WARNING:  THIS EXERCISE IS DANGEROUS AND COULD RESULT IN YOU GETTING SMASHED!!  PLEASE EXERCISE WITH CAUTION!!

Ride your cat (hamstrings, grip)

 

Ride that buckin’ feline until it splits your face in half.

————————————————————————–

Once you’re done with these excercises and you heart rate is going at a good steady pace (200-250 beats a minute)… it’s always good to cool down.  This can be done by putting your hands over your head and walking around for a little bit…

Whew… good workout people…

Or by sticking your ass in the freezer.

This is the part you look forward to for the whole workout people.

Follow these simple excercises with these EVERYDAY ITEMS you have around your house… and with hard work and good genetics… you could just look like me!

Happy excercise everyone!!

Resolutions Resolutions Resolutions


Before I talk about any New Year’s resolutions… I want to amend for a post I made on my Facebook, Twitter and MySpace pages promising a picture of myself in a bikini if prosepctive readers clicked the link to my blog.  It was a ploy to attract readers.  For those of you who thought you were going to see me in a bikini and were dissapointed… here you go:

Okay… now that that’s over with… let’s get to the resolutions…

—————————————————————————————-

First of all… I used to be in really good shape. 

When I was in high school and playing baseball regularly… I used to run around my parents wheat field (approx 2 miles) one, two and sometimes three times.  Mind you, this was always in either freshly tilled soil or hard, lumpy, dirt cloddy soil where a twisted ankle was beckoning me on every stride.  I used to run this course while listening to either the “Rocky” or “Mortal Kombat” movie soundtracks.

When I was in college I completed the “Body for Life” program and effectively created mass hysteria in my fraternity when everyone started to discover my pectoral muscles were generally larger than most of their girlfriends.  I ate nothing out of enjoyment… but for the purpose of getting huge.  This meant eating A LOT of protein and drinking horrible shakes with the consistency of thick maple syrup.

You have your tickets?  To the gun show…

Not that long ago… I was probably the strongest I ever was when I could bench press 275 lbs consistently at 10 reps each time…. maxing out at about 405 lbs.  I competed in a strong man competition shortly after that and placed 4th (out of 12).  I had to flip a 620 lb tire four times, carry 2-120lb kegs 50 yards apiece, do a farmers carry for 100 yards with two 175 lb torpedo looking objects and push a wheelbarrow loaded with concrete around and obstacle course in limited time.

Nearly pooping my pants while flipping a tire

I was a force.

Now… I have a beer belly (even though I don’t drink that much beer anymore), I get winded easily, I drink WAY to much caffeine, I eat horribly and I’m bored in my workouts when I do get a chance to go to the gym.  Don’t let the way I look fool you… I’m out of shape.

So for this reason I have created “Six-Pack Saturday” (SPS).  SPS is going to be my way of keeping myself honest and I need you (5) readers to keep me accountable. 

I have been working out since I was about 12 years old… but I have never had an actual six-pack.  I’ve been able to get huge and buff… but was always lacking in the six-pack department.  This was usually the result of drinking too much beer or eating too much McDonalds, Arbys, Taco Bueno, Taco Bell, Taco Stop, Taco Tico, Taco Unlimited, Taco This, Taco That, Taco’s Here There and Everywhere.  Fast food is the devil.

Every other Saturday (starting next Saturday), I will post a picture of myself currently… along with my goal picture.  Now… I ain’t gay or nothin’… but I certainly wouldn’t mind looking like Ryan Reynolds.

Dude has got the six-pack goin’ on.

I gotta ways to go… maybe I’ll get a tan too…

Now that I’m beyond the point of really feeling like I need to get huge… I would rather be slim and wiry and look ready to fight Wolverine.  I think at that point I would be ready to get my full body tattoo (just kidding mom).

Feel free to offer me words of encouragement or tell me how fat my gut is… whatever you feel at the time.  My stomach, along with my legs, are the two hardest things for me to work out.  I’m using this forum as a way to help motivate me to get the desired stomach that I want.  If I have to embarrass myself a little to get there… then I guess it’ll be worth it.

Perhaps “Skinny Legs Sunday” will be next.

I do have a couple other sub-resolutions that aren’t quite taking the precedence the six-pack stomach chiseled from the side of Mount Olympus is… but still important to me nonetheless.

I really want to get my readership up on this blog to a solid 200-300 hits a day and a good 10+ comments per post.  Now… these are good hits and good comments.  Not hits from people who googled “fat santa” or comments from some spammer trying to sell the newest Styrofoam loveseat.  While feeling like I’m worth something in the blogosphere isn’t really the reason why I blog… it certainly doesn’t hurt to get reassured that some people are out there reading and enjoying what I put a decent amount of my time and effort into.

Also… if we can get DLG potty trained by December 31, 2010… that would be an accomplishment.  We checked out some books from the library on the subject.  Some are informative books for us and the others are picture books for us to read to her.  I can’t help but feel a little weird reading the picture books with the continued reference to “pee-pee” and “poo-poo”… it just sounds so silly!  But I guess it wouldn’t be appropriate to say something like, “Oh, what a good job you did crapping in the potty!” or “Did you just take a shit?”  She’ll learn those references in middle school soon enough.

Chicken Legs


I’ve been told I could wear small brassiere.  My two brothers and I have all been blessed with large pectorals.  Even before I started working out I had a pretty nice chest set-up.  But what I have in chest circumference… I lose in calves. 

I have chicken legs.

Real unedited photo of my legs.

This is partly why I started tattooing my left leg because the idea was to create an illusion that there was something there hiding behind the tattoos.  To a certain extent I think it hides it a little… but a nice tree trunk of a calf would make things remarkably better.

If you smarties are out there saying, “Well… why don’t you just work them out you big dummy?” The answer to that question is, “I did.  I did.  I did.”

It is no secret that I enjoy working out my upper body far much more than my lower body… but there was time when I really tried hard to expand the real estate around my calf area.  It just did not happen.

I believe I’m just always destined to have skinny calves.

At least I’m not stuck having to try and hide something on my face:

Such a friendly looking freaky dude.

I’m Going To Run A Marathon… Eventually…


So I made a decision to run a marathon.  Okay… not a full marathon… but a half-marathon.  That’s still 13 freakin’ miles people!  No small task for a “runner-hater” like myself.  The marathon that I want to run in also isn’t until April 2010 either so I have some time to mentally prepare for it, eat some ice cream, watch some TV, take a nap, etc. 

My interest was peaked after a girl at my work proclaimed that she was in training for a marathon in Washington D.C.  I usually work out harder when I have something I’m working towards to I thought that this might be a good idea.  This would help me shave a few of my excess pounds I’ve gained and get rid of my saggy teets that I seem to be acquiring somehow.  I guess I’m really about to turn 30!

There’s no way I would win since it seems the fastest time ever completed in the marathon was a little over an hour and fifteen minutes.  Yes… THIS PERSON RAN 13 MILES IN AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES!!! That’s like 5 minutes per mile!!!  I can barely run a mile in 10 minutes.  What kind of freaks are these people?

So, why would I want to do this?  I guess to prove to myself that I can do it and cross it off my list of things to do before I die. 

Well… it wasn’t on my list until right now.

I’m going to add it because what’s the point in going through all this if at the end I can’t take my red pen and scratch through “Run a marathon” while sighing in contentment.  The answer is… there would be no point.  Other than being in fantastic shape I guess.  That’s just a bonus.