Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Did I or Didn’t I like it?

Some Things You May Find Interesting


Since February is the month in which Valentines Day is contained I figured I’d dedicate each week during the month to something that I love.  So the upcoming schedule for the month of February is as follows:

February 1st – 7th:  Any post added during this time will be about DLG
February 8th – 14th: Any post added during this time will be about Bunny
February 15th – 21st: Any post added during this time will be about baseball
February 22nd – 28th: Any post added during this time will be about boobs (  .  )(  .  )

Now I won’t be posting every day… just any post during those blocks of time will be about that weeks “person/thing that I love”.

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If you haven’t already asked me a question… then do so.  You’ll be automatically entered to win a $15 iTunes gift card from ME!  It’s that easy.

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NEWSFLASH: I finally figured out a way to get Kim Kardashian to follow me on Twitter.  It seems some genius came up with an idea to raise money for charity by getting certain celebrities to auction their Twitter follows, retweets and such on eBay.  For those of you unfamiliar with Twitter… what I mean is that I could bid against several other hopeless stalkers like myself JUST to get Kim Kardashian to follow me and my spectacular tweets!!  For a moment, I thought that I might be the only one who knew about this auction and be able to get Kim to follow me on the cheap!!! $50 AT THE MOST… I was sure.  Unfortunately JUST to get her to follow me I would have to pay (at this point) more than $177… and there’s still almost a week left to go.

This guy probably has money to blow…

Dammit.  I ain’t payin’ that much.

Oh well… there’s still Will Sasso, Tom Arnold and Jamie Kennedy still available on the cheap (at least at the moment I published this).

I guess unless I have an anonymous donor to the “Get Kim Kardashian To Follow Papa K On Twitter” fund then I’ll have to just try to get her to follow me the old-fashioned way: bugging her incessantly.  That’s how I got Jenny McCarthy to follow me.

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I can’t wait to see this movie:


Wait… crap… I mean this movie:

Or this movie:


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Anyone else looking forward to Super Bowl commercials!  At no other time during the year am I more focused on the advertising than the actual programming.

I have my reasons for not liking football…

If you wanna have a laugh check out Oddee.com’s “10 Most Controversial Super Bowl Ads“… guaranteed for a chuckle or two.

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Finally, if you’re on Facebook and you haven’t “liked” my blog page then c’mon…. seriously… what’s wrong with you.  DO IT!! NOW!!

If you’re on Twitter and you don’t follow my tweets… don’t make me have to pay for you to follow me.  Just do it.  Jenny McCarthy does…

Lastly, I love pictures for my Fanroll.  Don’t pretend like you have something better to do than take a picture for my fanroll… cuz I know you don’t.

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127 Hours = 2 Hours


“How do you arrive at such a convoluted equation?” You must be asking yourself, “That Papa K must have fallen on his head and knocked a few screws loose!”  Well… if you must know… that’s exactly it.  Allow me to explain:

These last several weeks have been fairly nice in the sense that I don’t have to consistently fire the creative synapses in my brain to come up with a new and creative blog post.  Although, near the beginning of my blogging hiatus I was met with some major issues so perhaps it was good that I took some time off.  Blogging may have pushed me over the proverbial ledge.

I’ve seen a few gory, intense and/or gory AS WELL AS intense movies in my life i.e. Passion of the Christ, Saving Private Ryan, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Saw, Confessions of a Shopoholic, etc.  None affected me as much as “127 Hours”: the new movie based on the true life story of Aron Ralston.  In 2003, Aron found himself trapped when a boulder pinned his arm to the side of the canyon wall.  He was stuck there for 127 hours (thus the movie name) only to finally free himself after cutting his arm off!!! 

Get a load of the trailer:

Intense, right?

I’d been wanting to see the movie for a while and the first real chance that Bunny and I got to go see it happened to be the same day her grandma passed away.  In addition to her grandma passing, the previous ten days had their fair share of intense, high-stress moments for Bunny too so this particular date night needed to be one where we could just “get away” and chill out for a little bit.

Which begs the question: “Why go see a movie about a guy who (after getting trapped under a boulder) is forced to battle his own sanity, drink his own urine and cut off his own arm with a dull knife in order to survive?  That seems to be a little too intense doesn’t it?”

I don’t have an answer for you… it was a stupid call.  We should have gone to see Tron.

Bunny and I sat through the movie on pins and needles.  Aron Ralston was played by James Franco and he nailed the performance.   He nailed it so well that when it came time for him to hack his arm off with his dull knife I found myself slightly hesitant to keep my eyes fixed on the movie screen.  Alas, I kept fixed on the moving picture as long as I could because, c’mon… I’ve never had issues in movies like this before!

Until that moment.

Somewhere between sawing through his nerves and cutting through his tendons with a pair of needle nose pliers, I found myself getting overheated.  I took a deep breath and leaned forward to take off my jacket… Bunny noticed my hesitation at watching the movie.

“I’m hot.  I don’t feel good.” I said.

Visibly freaked out and a little worried she told me go get a drink of water.

As I walked down the movie theater steps, James Franco successfully tore his arm from underneath the boulder and was standing there looking at it still lodged between the canyon wall and the boulder he’d become too familiar with over the last 5+ days.  I, on the other hand, had successfully drained the blood from my head as a result of standing up and walking from the theatre.

As I made my way down the tunnel to the bright lights of the movie theater lobby I braced myself against the wall and its railing.

A few steps from the door to the theater… I blacked out.

When I came to… I was face down on the tile floor near the door leading into the lobby.  I sleepily acknowledged my screaming wife who had come to my rescue after hearing a tremendous crash in the theater tunnel shortly after I disappeared from her sight.

“OH MY GOD CHRIS!! ARE YOU ALRIGHT!!” She cried.

That was a rhetorical question of course.  I was not alright.  I had used every bit of my dead weight when I passed out to slam my chin on the tile floor and split it open.

Now, as I was beginning to regain some of my footing and the room was ceasing to spin, I began to realize that I had hurt myself… and I had a pounding headache.

After a visit from the paramedics, a never-ending barrage of humiliating and unwanted stares and thousands of embarrassed apologies escaping from my lips… Bunny and I were headed to the emergency room to get my chin stitched up.

I needed five of them:

Honestly, I felt worse about screwing up our date night than I did about the stitches I needed or the pounding headache I’d inherited.  I wanted to let my wife escape from the hazards of normal life for a little bit and retreat with me to a land of serenity and relaxation. 

But instead… she wound up in the emergency room for two hours after I passed out watching 127 Hours.

Now you understand why 127 Hours = 2 Hours.

Note to self: no more gory/intense movies.

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Anything like this ever happen to you?  Please say “yes”!  My shattered ego needs a boost.

Papa K’s Gonna Spew A Random Selection Of Crap I Wanna Talk About


If you wanna enter to win an EIGHT PACK of Mr. Men books all you have to do is leave a comment after this post!!!  Time is ticking people!!

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As I prepare for San Francisco Giants to meet their ultimate demise at the hands of MY Texas Rangers… I’m momentarily distracted and at a loss for words at exactly what to talk about today.

So here are a few things:

 – I had a car accident yesterday. 

My first one EVER!  It was even a HEAD ON COLLISION!  fortunately, I’m a fairly decent defensive driver and braked as the lady on her cell phone tried to cross my lane of traffic when I was a mere 100 feet from her going a good 40 to 45 MPH.

It was really much worse than the camera can portray.  The accident surely destroyed my radiator and possibly the water pump as there were multiple fluids leaking from the car… most noticeably green antifreeze.  A word to the wise: don’t be doing anything on your cell phone while driving.  If you are, then you could get smashed by giant SUV.

 – DO NOT watch the movie “Legion”

It really really really really really really really really sucks.

 – I hate jackass New York Yankee fans

Some drunk idiot reacts after clearly interfering with a play that could have been caught by Nelson Cruz: the Rangers Right Fielder

During the most recent series the Texas Rangers had with them they were rude, obstinate and just plain bad sports about everything.

Reportedly, Cliff Lee (whom the Rangers traded for and who are in competition during the off-season to sign him to a multi-year deal) had his wife in the stands and she dealt with some real asshole fans during the Rangers three game stint in New York for the ALDS.  If you were a Yankee fan it might be best NOT to piss off the one giving it up to Cliff Lee!  The more toned down and appreciative Ranger nation are much more acceptable to deal with than the mutated Yankee “faithful” who also enjoy leaving the game early if it looks like their team isn’t going to win.

That’s all I’m gonna say about that… I could go on forever.

 – AND AS A SPECIAL PREVIEW OF SOME THINGS TO COME…

I’m in the process of digitizing a ton of my old college sketch comedy pieces. 

I graduated from college with a degree in Broadcast Communications with and emphasis in production, aka “Probably One Of The Easiest Degrees To Get” and one of the funnest!

A buddy of mine, Nicholi (who also saved me once from certain death), and I were the cut-ups of the department.  But for some reason, we were trusted all hours of the day with some of our University’s most expensive camera equipment.  We used this to our advantage to complete “homework” that was giving to us by certain professors looking for “documentary-type” pieces, 30 second news spots, etc.  What they received instead were the demented workings of two dudes with multiple personalities.

The first clip is of Nicholi and I (Pre-Papa K… and pre-19-tattoos) making fun of a cooking show that we regularly produced through the University called “Cooking With Carol”.  We called it “Cooking With Fire”!  Enjoy:

The second was a 30-second-piece that Nicholi produced where I simply was the “bad guy ninja” called “Cowboy Tim”:


I’m telling you people… there ALOT more of this where it came from.  Stay tuned and be ready.

Papa K’s Top Five Chick Flicks That Won’t Result In Having To Remove Your Balls If You Watch Them


We’ve all had this conversation with our estrogen-enriched counterparts: 

“Let’s watch ‘Zombieland’!” 

“No… we watched your movie last time!” 

“What!?  We watched 2012…. I thought you wanted to see that movie! “ 

“No.  You picked it out and I said it was ‘okay’… you didn’t rent that movie for me!  You’d been wanting to see that movie forever!” 

“Well… yes, but I got it because I wanted a movie YOU could enjoy too!  Zombieland looks awesome!  You’d like it!” 

“No. No I wouldn’t… I want to watch ‘Valentine’s Day’.” 

“Ugh.  Just rip off my testicles now… it’ll be more enjoyable.” 

Unless you’re blessed with having a spouse or girlfriend that actually enjoys sitting through “The Terminator” or “Gladiator” or some other movie that makes your testosterone rocket through the top of your skull then you’ve had to endure sitting through what’s classically known as “The Chick Flick”.  

What’s upsetting is that sometimes, about halfway through the movie, I find myself actually engrossed in the film!  So, in order to make myself feel better, I’m going to list my top five chick flicks that you don’t have to get your balls cut off for watching (we’ll do a list for those movies that will require you to remove your testicles some time later). 

5.  Serendipity 

 

John Cusack has the romantic comedy market covered (Say Anything, Must Love Dogs, etc.).  In this Rom-Com chick flick, John finds himself opposite the always stunningly beautiful Kate Beckinsale (one good reason it’s a good choice for manly men to watch it) in a story about how fate is only how you make it.  

In the movie, after just meeting each other, John’s character finds himself struck with the love bug for Kate… only when a gust of wind blows away her number that’s scrawled on a small scrap of paper is when Kate’s character begins to believe that fate interceded.  One final push on the part of him to just write her number down again results in her convincing him that if they are meant to be together then fate will indeed bring them back into each others lives.

Blah blah blah… I know… sounds a little too mushy, pooshy, cutesy, wootsy for most dudes.  I honestly can’t tell you a good reason, as a dude, that I liked this movie… but I did.  It was clever, witty, funny and cute.  Wait… did I just say cute?  I mean… it’s rockin’ awesome cool.

4. The Father of the Bride 

 

 I first watched this movie when I was about thirteen or so and even at that age I felt like I was going to eventually be the same kind of father that Steve Martin is in the movie.  I will fall nothing short of a crazed buffoon meandering around wondering what the hell happened to my little girl, when I became so damn old and when would be a good opportunity to KILL that asshole boy that’s stealing my little girl away from me!

TFOTB shouldn’t really be classified as a “chick flick” per se… or at least I don’t think it should.  Rather… I think it should be recommended watching for all dad’s who have daughters because it really is quite funny.

On a separate note, Steve Martin plays a father so well in this movie (and others like “A Simple Twist Of Fate” and “TFOTB2”) that I’m really shocked he never became a father himself!  Hey Steve… it’s never too late!

3.  First Knight 

 

There would be an argument in certain circles as to if this is actually a “chick flick”.  I say it is because it takes place in medieval times, there’s a damsel in distress(Julia Ormond), a brooding old king who’s in love with her (Sean Connery) and Richard Geere with long hair that he flips around a lot in slow motion sword fights. 

Definitely a “chick flick”.

But despite these qualifying points… it also has some nifty fight scenes that make up for the gooshy smoochy parts.  Especially the ending fight scene right after Sean Connery gets shot with several arrows and yells “Camelot LIVES!” before falling to the ground.  Ooooooh man.  That really pisses a lot of people off. 

A scene from “First Knight”

BONUS:  Julia Ormond in the rain… all wet… looking forlorn…

2.  The Princess Bride 

 

  

My sister knows the dialogue in this movie from beginning to end.  Needless to say it’s her favorite movie (I think).  I can’t go so far as to say it’s my favorite movie… or really in my top ten!  But it’s definitely a must-see.  Despite it’s “silly non-dudetastic” simple movie title that may turn most dudes away from it entirely… it’s actually quite hilarious!

Starring Cary Elwes in perhaps his least douchey movie (Saw? Twister?) and Robin Wright (Penn?  Is she still married to Sean Penn?) the movie takes place in a young boys (a Wonder Years’ Fred Savage) imagination as his grandfather reads him a book by the same name. 

The movie lends itself to moments of lovey, dovey, smoochyness… but with its biting wit, fight scenes and a cameo by Billy Crystal… it’s got something for everyone.

1.  Ghost 

   

 Alright.  I don’t know how much crap I’m gonna receive for this one… but I liked “Ghost”.  Despite it’s kind of simplistic views of Heaven and Hell (all “good” people go to Heaven and all “bad” people go to Hell) it again felt like it was something I would do… if in fact there was some way to bypass going to Heaven (I hope… if I wanted to) while I sorted out some last-minute Earthly issues.

If revenge is in the synopsis of any movie, it’s guaranteed to strike a chord with moviegoers.  “Ghost” is exactly that… wrapped up in a squishy, squeezey, cuddley, romantic movie package.  You don’t have to give up your testicles to watch it. 

But you might need a few tissues.

If you’re a girl.

A’hem!

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What “chick flicks” are “Dude Approved”?  Tell me.  I want to know what I missed.

Papa K’s Top Five Movies Where It’s Okay To Cry


When I was 13 or 14 I cried in Disney’s animated Tarzan.  I know… you’re thinking, “Holy mounds of whale dung get ahold of yourself!”  I’ve always been somewhat of a sensitive guy.  In fact, I’m a card-carrying member of the five “S” group: Strong,Silent, Sexy, Silly, Buoyant and Sensitive.  Okay, wait… I mean the five “S” and one “B” group.

Whatever.

Anyway, the list I’ve compiled aren’t “chick flicks”.  “Chick Flicks” that are okay for dudes to watch (albeit with your girlfriend or wife) like “The Notebook”, “Time Travelers Wife”, etc., are going to get their own list.  These are movies marketed either towards guys or specifically not just ladies.  Unless you’re an emotionless tube of diaper cream… these movies have to move you in some way.  In any case… these are the TOP FIVE MOVIE’S IN WHICH I SHED A TEAR and not felt like a pansy in doing so!

5.  Dead Man Walking

 

“Dead Man Walking” is about a nun (Susan Saradon) who accepts the very dubious task of being a convicted killer’s (Sean Penn) chaplain the final week of his life before he’s sent to his state-ordered execution. 

I remember going to see this movie with my brother and crying so hard that one of my contacts washed back into my eye socket.  It took me a good 30 minutes to work the damn thing out.  I thought my body was going to just absorb it if I didn’t get it out quickly.

The acting is great in this one.  Sean Penn plays a great white-trash P.O.S. and Susan Saradon plays an equally good, saintly nun.  They make for a very odd pair… yet the emotions emanating from the both of them the closer it comes to his execution gets you right in the gut.  It also doesn’t favor one side over the other (i.e. for the death penalty or against the death penalty) but rather leaves you to make up your own mind.

4.  Marley And Me

Adapted from the book written by Josh Groban of the same name, Marley and Me tells the story of the lessons you can learn during the most pivotal moments in your life with “man’s best friend”… even if he can be a total pain in the ass sometimes.

I watched Marley and Me when it came out on video… and it’s a good thing because I may just been the most blubbering doofus in the whole movie theater once the credits rolled.  Bunny had fortunately fallen asleep when the end of the movie approached and I was sensing a heart wrenching outcome… so, when the outcome came to fruition… I just let it go.  I cried until I was soaking in a puddle of my own tears.

3.  The Passion of the Christ

People… Mel Gibson has officially gone absolutly bat-poop crazy…

Now that we’ve gotten that out-of-the-way it shouldn’t detract from the fact that this movie, despite all the controversy surrounding it, is the most realistic movie depicting Jesus’ final hours that’s ever been made.  While you may ask yourself, “Why would I want to see all that?”  I’ll tell you the answer really is, “You don’t!” but if you never truly understood the agony endured by one man in an effort to prove His point… then you will after watching this movie.

2.  Forrest Gump

C’mon… who hasn’t seen Forrest Gump? 

With a movie that has more one-liners than Arnold Schwartzenegger’s one-liner resume, Tom Hanks plays Forrest Gump who goes through his whole life loving the same woman unconditionally.  During which, he changes the lives of others, meets several US presidents and makes millions of dollars in the shrimpin’ business.

Forrest Gump doesn’t just make grown men cry, it also kept my brother awake for the whole movie… and that’s a huge complement to the movie itself.  A movie hardly makes it through the opening credits and he’s asleep.  Not in Forrest Gump… it endeared itself to him until the very end.

1.  Rudy

The most troubling part of this movie being number one on this list is that I don’t even like football!  Regardless, Rudy speaks to the inspirational part of all of us despite if we like football or not. 

Based on a true story, Rudy was the quintessential underdog: too little, too dumb and too poor to accomplish his dream of playing football for Notre Dame.  No one believed in Rudy except for Rudy himself… and by the end of the movie, if you’ve ever wanted to be a major league baseball player an astronaut or Miss America… er… I mean a firefighter then Rudy will have you believing you can do it.  All you need is a heart the size of Texas.

Oh yeah… and when Rudy finally plays in his first, last and only Notre Dame football game… I’m standing up, clapping and sobbing like a colicky newborn baby.

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What movies (that aren’t “chick flicks”) make you cry?

Top Ten Best Scary Movies Of All Time (That I’ve Seen Anyway)


 Day eight of 30 posts in 30 days

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Also… not enough people are clicking the Kim Kardashian blog link below.  I want her to know who I am.  IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ME YOU’LL CLICK THE LINK!!!  BWAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

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10. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

I saw this movie when I was six or severn.  One particular scene in this movie involves Pee Wee riding in a semi with a scary looking lady who is explaining how she came upon a truck wreck one evening.  As she builds the suspense you know something is coming.  Finally, as she explains the body they pull from the wreckage, she says “And the face looked something LIKE THIS…!” She then turns to Pee Wee screams with her face looking all twisted and grotesque. 

What looks hilarious now was incredibly frightening when I was six years old. 

9. I Know What You Did Last Summer 

When I classified these as being the top scariest movies I didn’t say I had to be scared to death in each single one.  I wasn’t scared to death in IKWYDLS… but I was enjoying looking at Jennifer Love Hewitt through my pubescent, high school sophomore body.

Save me from overdeveloping too fast…

8. The Ring

I sat through the whole movie thinking that it really wasn’t that good… until that chick crawled out of the TV set.  Then I was like “WHAT THE FU!!!!! ! TURN AROUND DUDE!!!  HOLY FUUUU!!!” 

“Uh… honey… we really need to get rid of this satellite because the pictures all fuzzy and… oh crap, now there’s some chick crawling out of the television.  I wanna refund on this crappy satellite.”

A truly classic moment if you like getting scared.  This was also the first movie of the “Scary Japanese People” movies.

7. The Sixth Sense 

Before M. Night Shamalongadingdong’s movies got really stupid… there was The Sixth Sense.  When the point came in the movie where you realized he was dead… I didn’t get it.  Then my friend had to explain it to me.  Oh-yeah… did I mention I’m an idiot.

6. Halloween

Chi-chi-chi-chi… cha-cha-cha-cha.  Those words are really scary.  You know if you say them faster and in a less ominous tone… it makes for a pretty spectacular jingle… kinda like the Macarena.

It’s about time to put that jumpsuit in the wash.   I heard this product was pretty good:

5. The Descent 

Girls go spelunking and run into some kind of underground-subhuman flesh eating beings and it’s really dark.  It can’t get any scarier than that.  Especially since I’m scared of the dark… and underground-subhuman flesh eating beings.

Billy Bob Thornton made a cameo…

4. What Lies Beneath 

This movie is like The Ring insomuch that I wasn’t that impressed with it until the end.  When that dead body of the girl floats up and turns her head towards Harrison Ford… I peed a little.  It also threw me off that Harrison Ford was a bad guy… Harrison Ford is never a bad guy!

I couldn’t find a scary picture from What Lies Beneath but I did find a cute picture of this kitten.  Isn’t she cute?  Tee-hee.

3. Signs

Another M. Night ShyWatermelon movie.  Even though the movie was about aliens… it somehow got me really scared.  I thought an alien was going to come around the corner of my apartment complex after I got home from the movie. 

I couldn’t find a scary picture from Signs so I used this picture of Meryl Streep.

This move also had Joaquin Phoenix in it… before he went crazy.

Joaquin… actor… and amish socialite?

2. The Grudge

Another “Scary Japanese People” movie.  Bunny and I saw this movie together in the theater and both of us couldn’t sleep the night after seeing it.  It was seriously almost a waste of cash because we really didn’t enjoy ourselves.  We were both jumping out of our seats the whole time during the movie.  Japanese people freak me out.

This was the part in the movie where she tripped and fell down the stairs and says: “Ow… I really hurt myself!  Someone call 911… I think I broke my spleen!” OMG it was oh so scary!

Little too extreme there on the eye shadow Scary Japanese Chick!  What?  You’re going to kill me?  Oh don’t be silly.  Holy balls AHHHHHHAHHHHHAHHHHAHHH!!

This is when the “Hello Kitties” showed up.

1. Exorcism of Emily Rose

All I can say is that this movie seriously scared the smurfs out of me.  There’s a difference in suspense scary movies, horror scary movies, bloody scary movies, ghost scary movies… and freakin’ demonic scary movies that could come true!  There is a point in this movie where demons visit at 3AM (the witching hour).  Wouldn’t you know it that that same night I saw the movie our dogs had to get let outside at… you guessed it… 3AM.  My sphinter loosened and I’m just glad I was wearing my adult diapers at the time.

“Don’t ever leave the toilet seat up because I FELL IN AGAIN YOU IDIOT!!”

 What movies are in your top ten that aren’t listed?

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And now for the eigth blogger on my list of bloggers during this 30 day blogging marathon:

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I have a thing for Kim Kardashian… so with all due respect to me and my hopes and dreams that someday Kim (or K-so-fine… as I like to call her) will know who I am for a second in time… don’t make fun of the fact that I’m going to link to her blog.  Okay make fun of me all you want but a boys gotta dream right?  Feel free to click the link or the below picture of her 10-20 times.  The more hits she gets from this blog the more there’s a chance she might check me out.

Shut up.

Click this pic:

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Movie Review: She’s Out Of My League


Total Running Time: 104 Minutes

Starring Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve, T.J. Miller, bunch of people I’ve never seen before…

I usually wait to do this until the end of my movie reviews, but this time I’m going to rate this movie at the beginning!  Just in case you get too bored reading the actual review and never see the rating I give it.

I give She’s Out Of My League (SOOML) five out of five pictures of Alice Eve.

What? Who is Alice Eve? Seriously? You haven’t heard of her yet?  Alice Eve is the female lead in SOOML and my absolute favorite pick as the freakin’ cutest new actress to blow out my retinas in a while.  She reminds me a bit of Drew Barrymore (before she got really stupid and married Tom Green).

 

Similarities?  Yes.

She’s also a “Hard 10”.

As explained in the movie, a “Hard 10” (Hmm… sounds like a post I wrote once) would be the absolute pinnacle of a potential girlfriend, i.e. beautiful, smart, good job, likes sports, etc.  Although as it is with most “man math”… there are rules.  While the potential girlfriend is a “Hard 10”, the pursuant male has to be within two points of that 10 (no less than an eight) to make it work… too much of gap will result in a (seemingly) impossible relationship bent on failure.  So with that explanation… comes the tagline for the movie: “How can a 10 go for a 5?”

Jay Baruchel (Knocked Up, Tropic Thunder) plays Kirk, the “5”.  He’s the quintessential “nice guy” in the film, or “moodle” as his friend call him.  A “moodle” would be the cross between a man and a poodle: no girl wants to date him, but rather, want to “take him on walks” and be his friend.  Poor Kirk can’t catch a break.  While he does all your typical “dork” things i.e. spill coffee on himself, fill out his clothes like he’s a hanger in your closet, beg and plead his ex-girlfriend to take him back to the point of embarrassing himself, etc… he still manages to be the nicest guy in spite of it all.

Alice Eve (freakin’ cool name, eh?) plays Molly, the “Hard 10”.  She finds herself becoming the recipient of Kirk’s kind and accommodating nature when he finds her lost iPhone and returns it to her.  While Kirk is the furthest thing from the kind of dudes she’s been linked to before, she finds herself being drawn to his considerate nature.

Kirk stumbles all over himself with the attention she gives him but quickly becomes hesitate when he learns exactly “how much a Hard 10” she actually is.  Unlike him, she makes good money, she lives in a beautiful apartment and she has everything going for her!

Which begs the question: “What is SHE doing with HIM?”

The gap between “5” and “10” is pretty large.  Too large to not have questions about the validity of such a relationship, correct?

Well… you’ll have to see it for yourself.

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While SOOML follows somewhat of the same basic romantic comedy guidelines (homely/ugly person finds love with hottie and ‘gasp’ everyone is SHOCKED)… it still holds itself as “unique” in my mind.

Alice Eve and Kirk Baruchel (to me) played a couple that didn’t seem that unlikely to really hit it off in “the real world” and at the same time I found myself saying, “She would never get with him!”  Movies that do this to me really get me involved and (despite knowing 99.9% what the ending is going to be like) have me eagerly awaiting the ending where true love, the way it should be, is portrayed in such a positive and attainable light.

See dorky guys!  Dreams really do come true!

While having its moments where I laughed so hard I wet my pants, SOOML’s message was cliché, but good: it’s not looks that matter… it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

And that will eventually get you a hot girlfriend.

Perhaps I like the movie because it hit pretty close to home… seeing that I’m a “5” and Bunny’s a “10”.

Perhaps the movie was a little closer to reality that I thought…

Summer Flicks


A new summer always bring the happiness of new trailers for MOVIES THAT FREAKIN’ LOOK LIKE THEY’RE GOING TO ROCK THE HIZZY FO SHIZZY!!

The second trailer for Iron Man 2 makes me want to try to grow a goatee like Tony Stark (again):

What’s up with that suitcase thing at the end? WTF!! I want one of those!! Also.. Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow? Sign me up!

You know what else looks rad as stacked maple glazed donuts? This movie:

Saaaaaaaaayyy whuuuuuuuuuuut? Release the Kraken? Release all control of my sphincter! Holy poop breath I would crap my pants if I saw that thing comin’ out of the water!!

For those of you who enjoy laughing AND NOT uncontrollably shatting your undergarmets while watching all the monsters in Clash of the Titans… you can laugh until you pee your pants watching this movie:

It was only a matter of time before they made a movie about his reoccuring SNL character. Have I mentioned before that I have Val Kilmer’s cell phone number? Seriously… I do… I’m not kidding.

This movie looks weird:

By all means… in the future… don’t forget to make a payment on your artificial heart.

I’m all out of stuff to talk about to today. Catch me tomorrow I might feel alive then.

Movie Review: The Uninvited (And Incredibly Awesome Lips)


Starring: Emily Browning, Elizabeth Banks, David Strathairn, Scary Crap

Total Running Time: 87 minutes

After watching the latest “Real World” episode on DVR with my Real-World-junkie wife last night, we happened upon “The Uninvited” on one of the movie channels we shell good money for… yet hardly watch.  We were sans the first couple of minutes… but I’ve seen plenty of movies like this in my time. 

If you’ve seen “The Grudge” (FREAKIN’ SCARY), any M. Night Shamalomadingdong movie (Signs, Sixth Sense, Unbreakable), “Scream” (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10) or “The Others” (also known as The Sixth Sense… only not) then you know there’s got to be a twist at the end!

I’m usually pretty good at figuring these movies out halfway through.  This leads Bunny to think I’m some sort of Zen Master or something.  Truth is… it’s hard to trick someone when they’ve seen all the tricks before.

This movie was no different.

The movie deals with two sisters trying to put the past behind them as their bedridden mom was accidentally killed when the house blew up.  Oops.  But accidents happen right?  Unfortunately for them, their dad quickly moves on with the nurse who took care of their mom RIGHT BEFORE SHE BLEW UP!!! 

See the plot line thickening?

Come to find out… the nurse isn’t who she really says she is but…. HOLY SHIT!!! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!

Ha… got you.  You thought some zombie was about to stab you in the neck with a syringe full of air didn’t you.  You didn’t?  Okay then… moving on.

Elizabeth Banks is the nurse/future step mother who seems to be out to claim what’s hers… no matter what gets in her way!  I love Elizabeth Banks.  She’s an excellent actress… but I’m not sure horror movies are her game.  I didn’t think the match-up between her and Steven (actor David Strathairn, the cheating sonofabitch dad) was all the believable.  I mean… he’s old.  She’s young and cute.  How does that work out?  I envision her in movies like “The 40 Year Old Virgin” and “Role Models” when she was funny… I don’t like her serious and scary.

Elizabeth Banks Photos

Better funny… not spooky

While Elizabeth Banks was the most recognizable actress in this movie, I found myself drawn to the lead, Emily Browning who plays Anna, the youngest daughter who’s dealt with her mothers death by means of a trip to the mental ward… and now she’s seeing ghosts and shit.  Aside from the common plotline… I found myself drawn to her in a way other than her acting ability but I couldn’t figure out why.

Eventually Bunny pinpointed it, “She’s got great lips doesn’t she?”

Suddenly I felt as though the scales fell from my eyes and I was staring at the most perfect pair of puckers I’d ever seen!  “Why, yes they are!” I said.  “They’re… beautiful… so… beautiful.”

 

I… am… hypnotized…

While the rest of her face was “eh… okay”, it was her lips that were incredible!  When she talked they were like two giant flesh-colored, jelly-filled croissants slapping together.  This made watching the movie all that more enjoyable. 

Every scene that took away from “lip time” had me craving more and more lips.

I could put my entire DVD collection in those…

The other sister, Alex (actress Arielle Kebbel), didn’t have near as nice of lips.  This made me question the casting director’s decisions on who to cast for this movie because I would think you’d obviously want to create some semblance of uniformity in the family with these “genetically superior lips”.  If the uniformity was to take place… the whole family would have to have lips as incredible as those the lead so proudly purses throughout the movie.

Far, far less superior lips

The movie ended with the typical twist I was expecting, i.e. “Oh… you’re a ghost.  I’m crazy.  She’s not a loon.  I am.  What the F did all those scary visions have to do with anything other than make the audience jump?  Wait, I still have unanswered questions.  And finally… my lips are awesome.”

The Uninvited, on a scale of other horror movies of its kind, gets a paltry 1 out of 5 pencil thin lips.

On the other hand… if I were to rate Emily Browning’s lips in the movie… I’d have to give them five out of five pencil thin lips.

That adds up to a total of 3 out of 5 full luscious lips over the course of the whole movie.

Those lips saved this movie.  Those lips should win an Oscar for their performance.

Movie Review: The Hurt Locker


Starring: Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Guy Pierce, terrorists, massive explosions

Total Running Time: 131 minutes

In the wake of Oklahoma Cities “Snow Death 2010” I was forced by powers beyond my control to stay at home instead of travel the necessary 3 ½ hours to Arlington, TX and participate in the Texas Rangers Fanfest 2010… *sob*.  My “Mecca” would have to wait one more year.

“Snow Death 2010″… only the strong survived

Despite my initial depression, screaming outbursts, heavy sighs and uncontrollable sobbing… I slowly began to mend (notice I said I’m not over it yet… nor will I ever be).  Bunny suggested we rent a movie from Cox “On Demand”… she’d let me have the pick of whatever I wanted

Perhaps this was the beginning of my luck changing.

I selected a movie I’ve been hearing A LOT of good things about: The Hurt Locker.

The movies scenery is a depressing one… it takes place in year 2004, Afghanistan.  The major players of the movie are a group of utterly fearless soldiers whose main job is to disarm bombs of all kinds across the Afghani countryside.  These could be bombs found in cars, concealed in trashcans, buried under the sand, dirty bombs, IED’s, etc.  It certainly is an interesting concept since it never really occurred to me that such a job existed!  Even if I had known of its existence… I probably wouldn’t have thought it was a career you could center a whole two hour movie around!

Regardless of my complete ineptitude at the existence of such a career, one of which I would assume has a high turnover (or instant death) rate, the director did an okay job of molding a story around it.  I say “okay” in italics because I didn’t think the movie’s story line was very solid.  As far as the representation of the job itself and the absolute hopelessness of war-torn, terrorist ridden Afghanistan… it was on point.  It made me feel good I don’t have worry about stepping on land mines on my way to work every morning.

He’s not having a good day

One particular point of the movie that bothered me though and one they never explained is the fact that these guys would come to disarm bombs that most of the time seemed to be abandoned or complete neighborhoods, schools and work places would be cleared out before the bomb squad would arrive.  What’s the point in bombing if your bomb never goes off and/or doesn’t cut down a huge swath of people?  Most of the time, there actually was a terrorist standing “behind the curtain” ready to flip a switch to send the bomb squad and every living organism within 100 yards into the stratosphere.  But in the 20 minutes it took the bomb squad to disarm the exploding car, trash can or dirt mound… the terrorist was apparently picking his nose because he always seemed to wait until it was too late to blow them up. 

Perhaps the movie is telling us that “Yo!  Terrorists are freakin’ stupid.”  If that’s the underlying motive of the movie… then I say “Hell yeah.”

Another interesting point about this movie I found intriguing was the fact that the director used relative unknown actors in the lead roles… while using more prominent actors in smaller roles.  David Morse (The Rock, Disturbia), Guy Pierce (Memento, Ravenous), Ralph Fiennes (Harry Potter, Red Dragon) and Evangeline Lilly (Lost) all make an appearance but only long enough for you to say, “Hey!  There’s ‘insert actor/actress name here’ from ‘insert movie/TV show here’!”

Jeremy Renner (can’t say I’ve seen him in anything else… but apparently he’s going to be in the new Avengers movie) plays SFC William James, a Billy Badass type dude that seems to be scared of nothing!  He disarms bombs without his protective space suit, stands down oncoming cars with nothing more than a pistol and buys video porn from an Afghani kid only to be disappointed by the its low-grade and shaky quality.  Having disarmed more than 600 bombs in his career, he’s intimidated by nothing… except being a responsible husband and father i.e. the most difficult job on the planet.

William James: Bomb disarmer, badass, gunslinger, future lung cancer patient and bad father

The story mainly focuses around him and hits on a few of the struggles of his comrades.  If anything… it’s raw.  It’s real.  It bleeds with the horrors of what the world has become outside of this free and comfortable land we live in called the United States of America.

Despite its entirely real depiction of what it must be like over there… I have to give the movie demerits on its inability to really have a storyline!  It went in so many directions.  I was disappointed time and time again when I thought the movie was going somewhere only to be hung to dry.

I truly expected more from the movie… and unfortunately I always seem to be disappointed when I go into a movie expecting too much.  For this reason… I’ll probably never see Avatar!

I give The Hurt Locker (oh yeah… what they hell is a “Hurt Locker”?) a total of three out of five sunburned Kim Kardashians.