So… I’ve received some kind backlash from this post and before you read this it please understand I’m not bashing what anyone has named their kids. All the writing before the big finish is simply to illustrate all the little nuances that people put in their kids names that, through time and from people respelling it a different way, eventually results in a name that’s is completely misspelled. So… if you’ve spelled your kids name “Lyndsi” instead of “Lindsay” or “Randi” instead of “Randy” it totally doesn’t annoy me to the point wanting to pitch myself off a cliff… I may misspell it though. So, I’m sorry if I may offend you a little but all it is is my opinion. Let me know what you think… a little debate is always good on these things…
In a desperate effort to make their kids “unique”, parents are pulling out all the stops when it comes to naming their children.
In a certain sense, I kind of understand it. Bunny and I named our daughter a fairly uncommon name… but not one I would classify as “weird” per se.
There are three types of ways to name your children, I’ll list them from least annoying to so annoying that it makes me want to rip the buttocks from my hindquarters and wear them as earmuffs. Let’s visit these naming faux pas shall we?
1. Slightly changing the spelling of the name.
You run into this quite often. I have a friend who named their daughter “Kourtney”. And as I just wrote her name right now the spell check on my computer marked her name with a red squiggly line below it indicating that I spelled it wrong. I would have spelled it “Courtney” personally… but they wanted it with a “K” and that’s cool.
The only problem with this is that the wide majority of people are going to spell it wrong when sending you mail, entering you into wet t-shirt contests and filling out your application for parole. This is probably annoying for the person with the name because they constantly have to correct the person spelling their name or just deal with the fact that their name is just going to be misspelled half the time.
But… it’s all in who’s doing the spelling of the name too. My first name is subject to interpretation on how to spell it. “Chris” can be spelled any number of ways: Cris, Kris, Khris or even Chriss. I’ll get any number of these spellings when people transcribe my name when I think that C-H-R-I-S is probably the most common way to spell my name.
So, while a slight changing of the typical spelling of a name is a little annoying, it’s not something to start wishing I had my two, fine, fleshy posterior pieces over my ears.
2. Naming Them A Name Never Before Heard In The Annals Of Time
What will Apple’s kid brothers name be? Banana? Kiwi? Pomegranate?
Gwyneth Paltrow most recently named her kid “Apple”. I’ve heard of other names like “Cloud”, “Rainbow”, “Fruitstand”, “Bird”, “Moon”, “Camera” and “Dweezil”. What the F? I understand a kid should be given their own individuality but why give them a name that people are going to laugh at then roll their eyes and instantly understand that their parents were either famous movie stars, hippies, gangsters or named their kid somewhere around 4:20 in the afternoon (if you don’t know… that was a pot reference).
You could even take it a step further and name your kids “Adolf Hitler” and “Arian Nation” like this genius.
Awwww… what a cute little Adolf Hilter…
To be fair… if God had given us a little boy and not a girl… I really wanted to name him “Ca$h”. Literally with the “$” instead of the “s”. But this post isn’t about me…
3. Totally F-ing Up The Proper Spelling Of The Name Just So It Will Confuse People
I have the dubious distinction at my work of having to call and confirm about 350 consultants and their addresses for our annual Christmas mailings. Part of this responsibility is making sure there isn’t anyone left off of our mailing list. A recent conversation with the receptionists at one of these businesses went something like this:
“Hi, my name is Chris with Billy Badass AV Company (yes… that is not the name of the company I work for) and I’m just calling around to confirm some names on our Christmas mailing list before we send all of them out. I just want to make sure the names we have are people who still work there. Can I run through them with you real quick?” I said.
She obliged and I ran through my short list of names I had for their company.
After I’m done with that I have to say, “Now… is there anyone that I didn’t name that should get our mailing?”
She replied, “Yes, you forgot Karen Taylor”.
My idiot mind just assumed that it was spelled as I just spelled it above. I assured the receptionist I would add Karen and started my graceful exit from the phone call. Before I could get through the end of my spiel she interrupted me and said, “Don’t you want to know how to spell her name?”
“What, ‘Taylor’?” I said.
I spelled it out, “K-A-R-E-N?”
“No actually it’s spelled K-A-A-R-I-N”.
I had to repeat the spelling back to her several times just to make sure I got it right. “Kaarin” is how she spelled “Karen”. I held back my frustration at Kaarin’s parents until I got off the phone then I made a vow to find them someday and ask them, “why”… right before I slapped them across the face with armadillo roadkill. Why would you purposefully misspell your kids name? Unlike “Chris” that can be spelled “Cris”, “Kris”, or at worst Khris… there aren’t really many other routes to go with “Karen” unless you go off the deep end with “Kaarin” or maybe “Care-In” or “Cuhairen”. Kaarin is forever destined to have to misinform people on the correct spelling of her name which should be “Karen”.
That’s not being unique or different… that’s just being annoying to everyone involved.
So… if you’re thinking of naming your kid “Sttepfanny” instead of “Stephanie”, “Fillup” instead of “Phillip”, “Cayteah” instead of “Katie”, “Fhf5orrtejj” instead of “Eddie” or “Wolfman” instead of “Bill”… please don’t. Please don’t because the only person that thinks it’s cool is you.