Category Archives: News, Lifestyle and Current Events

I know I’m finally old when I write about the news

If You’re A Bad Tipper, Then Your Genetics Suck


Thanks for the service. Now... go buy yourself a nice box of crayons.

Waiting tables, at times, can be a harrowing experience if you wind up servicing an individual who seems to think that they created the Universe. Almost undoubtedly, no matter how well you service this douche… you’re going to get a crappy tip.

Until just recently, all waiters have been able to wish their bad tipper will contract a hideous flesh-eating disease shortly upon their departure. Now, with the release of this article it seems that if your a waiter whose left a 2% tip then you may have to look at them with Michael Landon eyes instead.

I feel... so sorry for you and your tipping defect...

It seems that researchers who have nothing better to do than figure out why some people give shitty tips came to find out that “generosity is built into human nature and isn’t solely a result of social pressure.”

So basically, if you’re an asshole in real life then you’re going to be an asshole tipper. But that’s okay… because you’re a genetic asshole.

I have an incredible amout of respect for those individuals who respect their waiter (within reason). In fact, I think it shows what kind of person you are in the way you treat and tip wait staff.

What do you think?

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Enjoy some more of my stuff at www.JoeCrazy.com. My most recent piece: Top Five Questions to Ask Before Getting Your Tattoo

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Valentines Day: A Day To Be Overly Smarmy


So here we are at another Valentines Day.

And, as always, I’ll join the mass of bloggers as they etch their words of love and affirmation for their loved ones in the vast, expansive blogosphere.

In my case, that loved one would be Bunny:

My Photos | Mindy

But, what makes this post so much different from any other post, is that I’m not rallying all of my efforts to get a multitude of people on my blog to read about my undying love and devotion to my wife.  This post is quite simply just for her.

So… read on if you like.  Otherwise this might get a little too smarmy for you.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So anyways…

Bunny: without saying too much of what I’ve already said over and over again, I love you with a deepness not even I can explain.  You have helped guide me into the person I’ve become today and I’m light years beyond what I ever thought I could be.

You carried our beautiful daughter for nine months and did it so gracefully.

 

The sacrifices you’ve made to keep this family operating the way it operates do not go unnoticed and I hope you know that one day you’ll see what a difference you’ve made in the lives of those who you care about the most.  Our daughter loves you and will continue to love you because of the person you are and the mother you’ve become.

Nothing make me more angry than someone who wrongly accuses your intentions.  I know the conditions of your heart and I would die to protect their integrity.  I’ve never been more ready to protect you than I have this past year.  I’m proud to say that it’s something I wasn’t quite sure I had in me and it’s the love we share that brought it out of me. 

Your personality can light up a room and your smile is like a 10,000 watt lightbulb.  Your beauty quite simply transcends time and I must say I’m quite proud of myself knowing that I “married up”.  You are the trophy wife to end all trophy wives… but your beauty is just a bonus.  It’s what’s inside of you that makes me keep falling in love with you over and over again.

All my love babe.

Thanks for being married to a five like me… even though you’re a ten.

PS – you have sweet boobs too.

Merry Christmas From Papa K


Ninety-six bucks.

That’s how much more money I’m going to contribute to the The Make-A-Wish Foundation because of YOUR comments!  I quite honestly was somewhat stunned that so many people responded to my request.  For once I actually felt like a well read blogger!  In celebration of the “almost 100 comment” mark… I’m going to go ahead and round-up my extra pledge to a clean hundred.

Thus concludes the first Papa K comment drive.  Now… I can get back to being an idiot.

(I contributed at a couple places while I was “away”, once at “My Life As I See It” for my good friend Tony and at “In The Real World: Venus Vs. Mars“. Check ’em out if you get a chance.)

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It’s been nice taking a break.  It’s not completely over (as I’m planning on coming back full force after the New Year)… but I would be a complete douche if I didn’t wish all of you a Merry Christmas.

Some things I’ve done on my bloggy break.

 – Taken DLG to see Santa a freakin’ ridiculous amount of times:

 – I got five stitches on my chin (in a most unusual way… blog post coming on that experience):

 – I turned 31:

My wife knows what I like: boobs.  Especially boobs made of cake.

 – DLG got her nails did:

 – I wrote perhaps the most hateful, venomous letter to anyone I’ve ever written or thought I was capable of writing:

This has nothing to do with the letter… I just thought it was hilarious.

So… now that we’re all caught up I want to take the opportunity to wish you “Merry Christmas” again and if you don’t have a tradition of reading “The Night Before Christmas” then allow me to let DLG read it to you:

Merry Christmas everyone.

Prop 19 Didn’t Pass! How Totally Non-Bogus Dude!


The smallest utterance of politics makes my brain shut down into a lifeless, steaming pile of toad poop.

I can’t get into it.  I can’t get passionate about it.  It doesn’t interest me.

I know, as an American born American, I should… but I simply cannot.

All I know is that no one is ever going to agree on anything.  In a perfect world there would be no arguments, there wouldn’t be any Republican or Democratic parties, there would be no Hillary Clinton and we would all have nothing to argue about.

I know… boring, right?

Although, I have to admit, I was slightly interested in seeing if “Prop 19” would pass.  For those of you who don’t know, Prop 19 was a ballot initiative to legalize marijuana (aka pot, dope, Mary Jane, ganja, giggleweed, reefer, bud, cryptonite, doobie, grass, hocus pocus, happy backy, rainy day woman, wackytabacky, pretendica, etc.) in the state of California.

California’s Future Governor: The Honorable Mr. Snoop Dogg

It didn’t pass.

Honestly, I was going to be really surprised if it did pass… even for California!

I couldn’t even imagine the drove of patchouli-soaked hippies that would move to California to bask in the glow of the legalization of marijuana.  Perhaps that’s why California residents voted to keep it illegal?  I mean… who likes the smell of patchouli other than dirty hippies right?! (Sorry Matt)

Anyway, as someone who’s *cough cough* never smoked wackytabacky myself *cough cough*… ahem… I’m a little under the weather (or am I?) I apologize… what was I saying?  Oh yeah, in my humble opinion I don’t think it’s a good idea to legalize it because of the sheer chaos it would cause.

“But Papa K, marijuana is much safer than alcohol!” You might say, “No one has ever died from smoking too much pot!”

It’s true, no one has overdosed from inhaling too much cannabis… they just become incredibly stupid.  Nothing irritates me more than someone who is high.  While the recipient of the head change is on another planet, his or her surrounding peers have to put up with the idiocy of his or her actions.

Can you imagine how long it would take to get through the check-out line at Wal-Mart when the checker is as high as a hot air balloon? 

What if the person driving in the lane next to you just sucked down a whole blunt and their idea of exiting the highway is to change lanes by smashing through your luxury Sedan?  I don’t think you or I would have much sympathy for someone after picking ourselves out of a ditch on the side of the road to find out the reason they ran you off the road was because their sensory skills were inhibited by the giggleweed!

Yet… I have some sympathy for the “legalize marijuana” advocates.  I see Marijuana, as with EVERYTHING, in excess is too much.  Too much beer is bad, too much ice cream is bad, too much sex is bad (well… not that bad), too much of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen is bad and too much pot is bad.  Now, if you could GUARANTEE some resiliency on the part of those who want to smoke a little Mary-Jane and limit their intake only to times when they’re out of harms way or not in a position to severely affect every one elses busy schedules… then fine.  But it wouldn’t be that way because Americans like to abuse their privilages.

I could go on and on.  The argument between smokers and non-smokers will carry on much like arguments about capital punishment, prayer in schools and whether or not Elena Kagan is a man.

Sir… ah… Ma’am… uh… hey you!

Whatever the case may be, I honestly don’t have a problem with people who want to smoke an occasional doobie much in the same way I don’t have a problem with someone who wants to have a few drinks.  The problem is how many dirty hippies would abuse their right to smoke pot free and clear.  While this would increase profits for those who invest in IHOP, Denny’s and Waffle House it would also increase the amount of one-sided ass whippings given to smoked-out hippies that fried the final nerve of many clear-minded individuals.

So, with that, thank God Prop 19 didn’t pass.

That’s what I think… what do you think?

BTW – I didn’t inhale.

Whaat’s In A Naame?


So… I’ve received some kind backlash from this post and before you read this it please understand I’m not bashing what anyone has named their kids.  All the writing before the big finish is simply to illustrate all the little nuances that people put in their kids names that, through time and from people respelling it a different way, eventually results in a name that’s is completely misspelled.  So… if you’ve spelled your kids name “Lyndsi” instead of “Lindsay” or “Randi” instead of “Randy” it totally doesn’t annoy me to the point wanting to pitch myself off a cliff… I may misspell it though.  So, I’m sorry if I may offend you a little but all it is is my opinion.  Let me know what you think… a little debate is always good on these things…

In a desperate effort to make their kids “unique”, parents are pulling out all the stops when it comes to naming their children. 

In a certain sense, I kind of understand it.  Bunny and I named our daughter a fairly uncommon name… but not one I would classify as “weird” per se.

There are three types of ways to name your children, I’ll list them from least annoying to so annoying that it makes me want to rip the buttocks from my hindquarters and wear them as earmuffs.  Let’s visit these naming faux pas shall we?

1.  Slightly changing the spelling of the name. 

You run into this quite often.  I have a friend who named their daughter “Kourtney”.  And as I just wrote her name right now the spell check on my computer marked her name with a red squiggly line below it indicating that I spelled it wrong.  I would have spelled it “Courtney” personally… but they wanted it with a “K” and that’s cool. 

The only problem with this is that the wide majority of people are going to spell it wrong when sending you mail, entering you into wet t-shirt contests and filling out your application for parole.  This is probably annoying for the person with the name because they constantly have to correct the person spelling their name or just deal with the fact that their name is just going to be misspelled half the time.

But… it’s all in who’s doing the spelling of the name too.  My first name is subject to interpretation on how to spell it.  “Chris” can be spelled any number of ways:  Cris, Kris, Khris or even Chriss.  I’ll get any number of these spellings when people transcribe my name when I think that C-H-R-I-S is probably the most common way to spell my name.

So, while a slight changing of the typical spelling of a name is a little annoying, it’s not something to start wishing I had my two, fine, fleshy posterior pieces over my ears.

2.  Naming Them A Name Never Before Heard In The Annals Of Time

What will Apple’s kid brothers name be?  Banana?  Kiwi?  Pomegranate?

Gwyneth Paltrow most recently named her kid “Apple”.  I’ve heard of other names like “Cloud”, “Rainbow”, “Fruitstand”, “Bird”, “Moon”, “Camera” and “Dweezil”.  What the F?  I understand a kid should be given their own individuality but why give them a name that people are going to laugh at then roll their eyes and instantly understand that their parents were either famous movie stars, hippies, gangsters or named their kid somewhere around 4:20 in the afternoon (if you don’t know… that was a pot reference).

You could even take it a step further and name your kids “Adolf Hitler” and “Arian Nation” like this genius.

Awwww… what a cute little Adolf Hilter…

To be fair… if God had given us a little boy and not a girl… I really wanted to name him “Ca$h”.  Literally with the “$” instead of the “s”.  But this post isn’t about me…

3.  Totally F-ing Up The Proper Spelling Of The Name Just So It Will Confuse People

I have the dubious distinction at my work of having to call and confirm about 350 consultants and their addresses for our annual Christmas mailings.  Part of this responsibility is making sure there isn’t anyone left off of our mailing list.  A recent conversation with the receptionists at one of these businesses went something like this:

“Hi, my name is Chris with Billy Badass AV Company (yes… that is not the name of the company I work for) and I’m just calling around to confirm some names on our Christmas mailing list before we send all of them out.  I just want to make sure the names we have are people who still work there.  Can I run through them with you real quick?” I said.

She obliged and I ran through my short list of names I had for their company.

After I’m done with that I have to say, “Now… is there anyone that I didn’t name that should get our mailing?”

She replied, “Yes, you forgot Karen Taylor”.

My idiot mind just assumed that it was spelled as I just spelled it above.  I assured the receptionist I would add Karen and started my graceful exit from the phone call.  Before I could get through the end of my spiel she interrupted me and said, “Don’t you want to know how to spell her name?”

“What, ‘Taylor’?” I said.

“No, ‘Karen’”.

I spelled it out, “K-A-R-E-N?”

“No actually it’s spelled K-A-A-R-I-N”.

I had to repeat the spelling back to her several times just to make sure I got it right.  “Kaarin” is how she spelled “Karen”.  I held back my frustration at Kaarin’s parents until I got off the phone then I made a vow to find them someday and ask them, “why”… right before I slapped them across the face with armadillo roadkill.  Why would you purposefully misspell your kids name?  Unlike “Chris” that can be spelled “Cris”, “Kris”, or at worst Khris… there aren’t really many other routes to go with “Karen” unless you go off the deep end with “Kaarin” or maybe “Care-In” or “Cuhairen”.  Kaarin is forever destined to have to misinform people on the correct spelling of her name which should be “Karen”. 

That’s not being unique or different… that’s just being annoying to everyone involved.

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So… if you’re thinking of naming your kid “Sttepfanny” instead of “Stephanie”, “Fillup” instead of “Phillip”, “Cayteah” instead of “Katie”, “Fhf5orrtejj” instead of “Eddie” or “Wolfman” instead of “Bill”… please don’t.  Please don’t because the only person that thinks it’s cool is you.

Ted Williams’ Frozen Head Used As Baseball


I WROTE THIS ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO BUT DIDN’T HAVE A BLOG TO POST IT ON.  SO HERE YOU GO.

I’m not kidding.  Read the below article from FOXSports.com:

Workers at a cryonics facility mutilated the frozen head of Hall of Fame baseball player Ted Williams, the author of a new book alleges.

In “Frozen,” Larry Johnson, a former executive at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz., describes how Williams’ frozen head was repeatedly abused, the New York Daily News reported.

The book due out Tuesday alleges gruesome behavior at the facility, where bodies are kept suspended in liquid nitrogen in case future generations learn how to revive them.

Johnson writes that in July 2002, shortly after the legendary slugger died at age 83, technicians with no medical certification used crude equipment to decapitate the majors’ last .400 hitter. Williams’ severed head was then frozen, and even used for batting practice by a technician trying to dislodge it from a tuna fish can, according to the book.

Johnson was the chief operating officer for eight months before becoming a whistleblower in 2003. He said he wired himself with an audio recorder for his last three months at Alcor, and gathered internal records and photographs reproduced in the book.

The paper says the book details other incidents at Alcor, including the dismemberment of live dogs that were injected with chemicals in experiments. It also details suspicious circumstances involving the bodies of others frozen in steel cylinders at Alcor.

WHAT!!

Where do I begin?  This article has too many unanswered questions!  I’m really intrigued and actually halfway interested in buying “Frozen” to see what in the hell is going on at Alcor.

First of all… to actually believe that sometime in the future they are going to be able to reanimate or revive your head is just wacko.  And why don’t you freeze your whole body?  Why just your head?  Are they going to sew your old, wrinkly head to the body of a more svelte younger body?  Or maybe your body will be a robot body or something.  Maybe once they revive your old 500 year old head they’ll just leave you to fend for your self.  Who knows?

Secondly, what kind of operation is Alcor?  In what world do employees play baseball with someone’s decapitated frozen head?  Do they use day labor from the local temp agency?  What kind of jankey operation are they running?

Lastly, and probably the most intriguing, why was there a tuna fish can lodged on Ted Williams frozen head?  Did they mistakenly switch Ted Williams’ head with the leftover frozen fruit cake in their own personal employee freezer in the break room?  I would think a little more delicate care would be used to preserve the frozen head of Ted Williams!!  I mean this is a Hall of Fame baseball slugger who was the last person in the major leagues to hit .400 for goodness sake.

Some people will do anything to get ahead in this life.

I’m sorry… that will be the only classless head joke in this post… I couldn’t resist.

Maybe Alcor was planning on freezing a bunch of heads… then reviving them years later to start their own baseball team called the “Cincinnati Heads”.

Okay… seriously, that’s the last joke about heads I’m going to make.  Seriously.

In all honesty… I’ll never be able to watch old baseball clips of Ted Williams without imaging some lab worker in a white lab coat soft tossing his head to a fellow employee who’s winding up to smash it with a baseball bat.  Oh yeah, and just to make things even worse, there’s a frozen tuna fish can on his head too.

That’s no way to remember a baseball legend.

You can’t make this stuff up.

 +… forever linked it seems