Category Archives: Questions From You… The Reader

You’ve got questions… I’ve got answers

Papa K Enjoys Your Questions So Punish Him With Some More


Was Papa K once employed as a part-time mime?

What famous douchey guy did Papa K once aspire to be?

Does Papa K enjoy sitting on his own face?

Who made Papa K so mad that he converted to momentary cannibalism?

Can Papa K crush an entire life force with nothing more than his forehead?

Was Papa K arrested once for being way to hot for his own good?

How many transients has Papa K kicked in the gooch?

What cassette does Papa K currently have playing in his Walkman?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????

The answer to all your questions is… I don’t know! 

Why don’t you ask him?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????

I’ve done these question and answer things before… and I quite like it!  Sometimes as a writer I struggle in my creativity and your questions help.  My creativity diminishes mainly because I write at night when I can concentrate i.e. Bunny and DLG are in bed and my work is done.  Mr. Sandman usually shows up not long after Bunny and DLG are in bed.  We usually cut-up and carry on… then we wind up doing a few lines of sleeping dust (it tastes like chicken enchiladas).  It doesn’t take long for my eyelids to close and along with it goes my creativity.

And, for the sake of a good time, I’ll throw a giveaway into the mix.  Simply ask me a question and you’re automatically entered to win a $15 iTunes (or any other you prefer) gift card!  Since I didn’t get as many participants in my last giveaway as I would have liked… I’m going to extend it into this post.  If you were a poster on the previous blog post where I was doing a giveaway then feel free to comment away on this one and double your entry into the drawing for the $15 iTunes gift card!

No question is a bad question and no question will go unanswered.  As you have seen on some of my past posts I will put forth due effort into answering any question regardless of how hilarious, serious, inappropriate, appropriate or random (Do you cry after sex?) they are.

So ask away folks!  I eagerly await!  If you do… there could be a $15 iTunes (or any other you prefer) gift card in your future!

 

It’s late.  I’m tired.  I just thought this was hilarious.

Papa K Grants You The Wish Of (Exhaustively) Answering Your Questions!! Part Four


I recently asked for some questions of which I said I would answer in a future post.  Well… welcome to the future.

If you want to read past questions and the answers to those questions then go here.

Also, stay tuned (through an almost obnoxious number of boob questions… but I brought that on myself) to the end of the post when I reveal the winner of the $20 gift card (awarded to a random question-giver)

——————————————————————

Gucci Mama asked this one simple question:

What is your favorite thing to do with DLG? Do you take her on daddy dates? I really hope you take her on daddy dates. You must.

What’s funny is that it’s the little things that seem so simple that mean the most to me.  It’s honestly not possible to narrow it down to ONE thing… but I can give you a number of “number one’s”:

     – I take her to the donut shop some mornings when she wakes up… she LOVES it

     – Cuddle with her while watching Yo Gabba Gabba or Wonder Pets

     

     – Taking her out to eat at Chick-Fil-A then playing in the play area afterwards

     – Doing some of the most mind-numbing things to me are re-birthed as some of the most exciting things through her eyes

     – Going to PetsMart and looking at all the fish

     – If she’s tired enough when I sing to her at night she lays her head on my shoulder and I just melt

     – I’ve only done this once but plan on doing it more: taking her to a baseball game

      

I could go on but my most favorite thing to do is just be the best role model I can be to her.  One of the great things about being able to stay at home with her is exposing her to a strong male figure (at least I consider myself to be such) a lot of the time early on in life.  While establishing the strong male figure definitely can be done with dads who aren’t able to stay at home, I take the additional time with her very seriously and am never afraid to show all my emotions and get down on her level.  When she grows up… I want her to marry a guy like me (but preferably a major league baseball player so I can get free tickets) so the groundwork I lay now is important.

We do everything we can and have as much fun as we can because dammit… she’s growing up fast.  I only get this opportunity once.

——————————————————————

Scott asked in a completely relevant and professional way:

Do you cry after sex?

First of all I make sweet, sweet love to my wife.  So, the correct way to ask this question is, “Do you cry after making sweet, sweet love?”

But anyway, in answer to your question… no.  I usually fall asleep or flex in the mirror for a couple of hours.

——————————————————————

Kim (from “Baby Feet”) asked me a couple questions:

How long did you wait to kiss your wife? Was your first date awesome? How long before you knew she was ‘the one’? How long before she knew?

I kissed her on our first official date.  I was a real slut.

In actuality, our first meeting took place at a smokey bar where we were hooked up by a mutual friend.  A few days after our smokey meeting I asked her out and we went out to eat and then to attend the local comedy club. 

One of our first dates.  I was much younger and more pale.  Okay… maybe just younger.

We had a great time.  It was actually the first date I’d ever been on where I’d spent $100 over the entire course of the date (and I should have seen the writing on the wall).  It turned out to be $100 well spent though because I did get a kiss out of the deal (and that’s all I’m allowed to say!).

I can’t say that I knew right away that she was “the one”… but I was incredibly entranced by her endless cleavage and believe that if it hadn’t been for that I might not have gotten to know the incredible person she really is under all those boobs. 

She, on the other hand, knew right away that I was the one.   So much in fact that after our first date she told her grandma that she was going to marry me.  That’s what she tells me anyway…

——————————————————————

Cathie asked:

What would you do if your gorgeous daughter got a KNUCKLE Tattoo ?? on all 10 knuckles ?????

Hmmm… from a professional “getting tattooed person” I can’t say that I’d be too impressed.  Knuckle tattoos fade too easily and aren’t really all that attractive on two-year-olds.  Now if she wanted to get a tattoo on the back of her neck where her hair would cover it up or perhaps an arm sleeve of Yo Gabba Gabba characters I would probably sign off on it IF SHE ASKED ME FIRST because I am the coolest dad this side of the Mississippi.

I kid. I kid.

In all honesty, I would like to think she’d know better than to do that when she’s “of age”.  I can’t very well prohibit her from getting a tattoo since her daddy is gaining on twenty tattoos himself… but as a tattooed person I couldn’t be angry with her.  But I would be extremely disappointed she chose such a crappy area to get tattooed.  I should know… I have a knuckle tattoo:

It’s not a crappy tattoo since it signifies the marriage to my wife (“M” is Bunny’s first initial) but it is a crappy area to get tattooed because it’s susceptible to fading.

——————————————————————

Tabeetha asked me a question regarding my wedding day:

 I want to know if you ever ended up pooping out your spleen after your wedding illness issues? I’ve been meaning to ask for years!

“Tabeetha” is a first time commenter but a long time friend of Bunny and I.  She’s referring to a home movie that I shot of the two of us the night after we got married where I explained in vivid detail the events that led up to a trip to the emergency room THE NIGHT BEFORE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED.  I had obtained horrible food poisoning and lived through what seemed like a near-death episode, an event I described in our home video that was like “pooping out my spleen”.

“Tabeetha” thought this was hilarious.

Tabeetha, I can tell you I’ve never pooped out my spleen so I don’t know for sure if it IS ACTUALLY comparable to horrible food poisoning.  Hell… I don’t even know where my spleen is!!

Oh… there it is…

——————————————————————

Mama MidWife (who’s been on my ever since my breastfeeding post) asked me some boob questions:

1.  How old were you *really* when you quit breastfeeding?

     My mother tells me I was a little over a year… maybe 13 or 14 months!?  As she tells it, I bit her really hard which resulted in her getting angry with me and I never went back

2.  Do you think breastfeeding lead you to become a “booby” man?

     In all honesty, what straight man isn’t a “booby man”?  I know that some may prefer legs or butts or the nape of the neck over boobs (which is insane in the membrane) but show me a guy (straight or gay) who    doesn’t think boobs are awesome and I’ll tattoo Richard Simmons on my lower back.

     But in answer to your question: YES… absolutely.

3.  Is a third nipple hot?

     Depends on where it is I suppose.  If it’s on your forehead that would be a little odd.  If the third nipple came on a third boob then we might have something.

4.  Would you rather cuddle or have sex?

     You do know I’m a guy right?  I may be in touch with my feminine side a lot more than some dudes but when my wife so much as sits down and adjusts her chair for dinner I get aroused!  So cuddling doesn’t last very long until I’m asking the question. 

5.  I realize I have commented before. Will you still consider me for the prize?

     Yes.  But not until you send me a picture for my Fanroll (I’m still waiting).

6.  Did you know they have knitting patterns for things like “penis cozy”? What kind of guy would want that? There are also patterns to knit your own ta-tas.

     For those of you who don’t know… Mama MidWife is a knitting freak of nature.  Every time I go to her blog she’s talking about a new knitting project.  Knitting to me is about as interesting as sitting on porcupine quills or watching NASCAR.  That’s okay… I’m sure some people feel the same about watching baseball.  So… to each their own but if you’ve ever had an interest in knitting then Mama MidWife is your gal (I’m lookin’ at you Gucci).

     In answer to your question though Mama MidWife: Me.  Where can I get one? 

——————————————————————

My good blogger buddy “UP” asked perhaps the most mind-bending question:

What is the meaning of life (I mean other than Kim Kardashian)?

 

*sigh*

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Bunny and I went to this little restaurant chain called “Steak and Shake” the other day.  It’s set like an old 50’s diner with picture of old cars on the wall and endless shake option and 50’s era jam bands blasting on the jukebox.  Their burgers weren’t too bad either!

I think that’s probably the meaning of life. 

——————————————————————

Chopper Papa wants to know about my underwear:

Boxers or briefs?

I don’t really understand the purpose of boxers quite honestly because it’s just like wearing small shorts under your pants so why wear any at all?  Also, I don’t particularly like “free-ballin'” and prefer to go for a more “soft” support of my sperm-generators like my wife’s cupped hands or a bowl of whipped creme.

Briefs are for male supermodels and/or David Beckham of which I am decidedly not either. 

My thighs are too insanely skinny to wear them and the hug my testicles in such a way where it feels as though they’re going to push through my undercarriage.

So… I prefer to go for the best of both worlds: boxer-briefs.

——————————————————————

Daddy Can’t Hear You (or DCHY) asked:

1.  Scientific – when did you first realize that you were bound by the law of gravity?

     The first time I had it was at this fast food restaurant they have here in Oklahoma called “Braum’s”.  I was probably around 10 or 11 and I was there with my parents after church one Sunday morning.  I’d never had biscuits and gravity before so I ordered then.  They were really good.

Braum’s biscuits and Gravity… YUM!

Oh wait… those are biscuits and GRAVY!!  Not biscuits and GRAVITY!!  Gosh… I’m such a dweeb.

I’m sorry… I don’t have any idea what “gravity” is!?  Does it go on pancakes?

2.  Philosophical – why does life continue to give us lemons, knowing we prefer bananas?

If your supposed to make lemonade when life gives you lemons… what are you supposed to make when it gives you bananas?  A banana-split?  Feed a monkey?

3.  Childish – what did 0 say to 8?

    I honestly don’t know.

    Okay… I know… I had to Google it. 

    Is it “Nice Belt!”?

——————————————————————

Dennis P asked me another boob question (C’mon people… how old are we?  The answer is:  “Never too old to talk about boobs”):

Was your first glimpse of Bunny boob as amazing as you had built it up to be?

Yes.  In every sense of the word.  I think for every man whose mind has prepared itself for complete sensory overload is still never quite ready for the full reveal! 

My wife is the epitome of what I fantasized about when I was a pubescent teenager.  When my teenage fantasies became reality as a dorky adult… I can’t say I didn’t give myself a few high-fives!

——————————————————————

Joseph, a new reader, asked me these questions:

1. I don’t have a website, but I know a lot of people who blog and they tell me that I should start a blog but I don’t even know how to do it, what would you suggest?

     My sister peaked my interest two years ago while I was getting sucked into her blog: One Thing (which she hasn’t blogged on in a while… but she used to).  I approached her with the same question and basically she just told me to “do it”.  So, what I’m saying is there’s no real special advice I can think of as far as getting started… it’s staying motivated that’s the real trick.  I say that I blog for the fun of it and to hone my own writing skills but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care how many readers I have.

     One thing that I’ve learned is that once you go live with your blog you’re not going to instantaneously have 1,000 readers!!  You actually have to work at getting and keeping them!!  That was something I wasn’t honestly prepared for but something I’ve learned a lot about since becoming a famous blogger.

2. My blogger friends tell me that they have made some great friendships through blogging, is that true for you too?

     I wouldn’t classify any of my blog friends as GREAT friends because we don’t really know each other on a personal level outside of the blogosphere… but I’ve definitely made some good blogging buddies.  That isn’t to say that if I ever did meet any one of them in person we wouldn’t wind up being the most awesomest friends but it just hasn’t happened yet.

3. What are some good blogs you would suggest for someone to start following and why?

     I have a page tabbed at the top of this blog called Papa K’s Friends… these are the blogs and websites I would recommend.  I haven’t updated it in a little bit as there are a few I’d like to add but for the most part it’s my complete list.

4. if you could die laying on boobs, whose would you choose Kim Kardashan’s or your wife’s

     As much as I like to bring up Kim Kardashian and her amazing body of work… I would never choose her over my wife.   My wife and I have “The List” and play around with the idea of “what if” but in all reality if for some reason I was set to meet my maker and had one last thing to snuggle between before crossing into the hereafter I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else than between my wife’s melons.

… but there are probably quite a few gents you wouldn’t mind gasping their last breath with their chin firmly rested on her sternum…

——————————————————————

Finally, KristieMae asked these last two questions:

1. What are three things that you enjoy now as an adult, that when you were a kid you would have never in a million years guessed you would enjoy? (I’m not talking about anything with your wife or your daughter, just every day average things.)

Great (and fun) question Kristi!

First thing that come to mind is writing.  I used to hate writing as a kid.  It bored me to tears.

Secondly: reading.  I still don’t read A TON but I read a lot more than I used to.  It make me feel smarter and it’s good to perfect your writing skills as well.

Lastly: Beer.  As a kid, I may have curiously had a few sips of my brother’s beer or something during a family holiday and was disgusted at how something so disgusting could be drunk in such high numbers! 

2. What is one thing that you loved as a kid and that you still love as an adult?

Movies and watching television.  Most of my life we had scratchy TV channels on a 13-inch television.  When I moved out of the house I was never more ecstatic to get cable and watch in on A 25 INCH TV!!!

——————————————————————-

Hey there!  You made it to the end!

I guess now you want to know who won the $20 gift card, eh?

After a random drawing of all the question contributors on Random.org it came up with…

Look at this hilarious demotivational poster:

What?  You want to know who won?  Oh, right.  The winner is….

CHOPPERPAPA!!  Congrats man… you get a $20 gift certificate to the store of your choice!  Just in time for Christmas!!  Email me your address at papak4324@live.com along with where you’d like the gift certificate to and I’ll get it in the mail ASAP!

Papa K Answers Your Questions… Again…


Did you know that “A’ight” is a word?  It is the urban way of saying “Alright”.

So with that being said:

A’ight folks… I’ve grown tired of things to talk about and I want YOU to provide me with some questions to answer.  I’ll even throw in a prize for a random contributor.  Since my last giveaway of a POSTER to the winning contributor fell to the ONE SINGLE CONTRIBUTOR of that contest (congrats Jon)… I’ll make the ante a little better this time around and award the winning question-giver a $20 gift certificate.  With Christmas coming up… I can’t think of a better prize to give outside of a $25, $50 or $1000 gift certificate which, I’m sorry, but I haven’t made my first million yet writing blog posts for my (5) adoring fans.

This can be a lot of fun for you because you get to find out some of the most deep seeded secrets about your favorite blogger: me.  All you have to do is ask.

So… if you wanna know how old I was when I peed my pants the last time or where my third nipple is located or when I plan on splicing some of my DNA then selling my clones as slaves on the black market in Mexico the feel free to ask away.

Seriously… ask me some questions.

I’m serious.

Seriously.

I’d like to get questions from at least ten different readers and have TWO of them be readers who’ve never commented before.

Seriously.

I’m serious.

Seriously… ask me some questions.

Dammit I’m serious.

Papa K Grants You The Wish Of Answering Your Questions!! Part Three


Alright ya’ll… here’s the final batch!  It’s been a blast answering all your questions!  Thanks for making me feel important!

You can read the other questions here.

———————————————————–

Erin K came up with all these…

1. What is the nastiest thing you’ve ever eaten?

I used to frequent the Denny’s close to my college campus every night after hard nights of partying.  It was here that I could reminisce on many many MANY stories… but I’ll only tell you this one.

A clouded mind is willing to do (and eat) just about anything once the taste buds have been fried by an unknown mix of fermented hops, jello shots and trashcan punch.  It was at this Denny’s where I NEVER deviated from my most favorite 3AM meal: Smothered Cheese Fries with Crumbled Bacon and Ranch Dipping Sauce.  Oh my.

I imagine Heaven is floating on clouds made of smothered cheese fries

There is nothing more scrumptious to soak up the river of alcohol coursing through your system than this fried, melty cheese covered treat.

While my group was waiting for our food, we noticed another table had just left their half eaten food for us to scavenge!  To hell with spreading vast unknown quantities of some disease capable or rotting our faces off by eating someone elses Moons Over My Hammy!  WE WERE FREAKIN’ HUNGRY DAMMIT!!

As we scarfed down this half eaten food, someone noticed the previous consumers of this food had put out a cigarette in the middle of the pile of ketchup they had used for their fries.

“Whoever eats this cigarette,” proclaimed one of my buddies, “I will pay for their meal tonight!”

Without hesitation I volunteered my gullet.  I was in college, mind you, and free meals were hard to come by.

“Do I have to chew it?” I asked.

Somewhat horrified that I was actually going to eat this used cigarette, my buddy simply said, “Naw dude… I don’t care how you do it.”

Again, without hesitation, I lapped the cigarette a few more times in the ketchup and then swallowed it.

Did I mention I was wearing a Superman suit at the time?  And… I had some really douchey sideburns.  And… my right eye starts to droop as the night goes on…

Honestly, since I didn’t have to chew it, I can’t say that it was really all that disgusting.  In a sense, I bypassed all my taste buds by shoving it into the back of my throat and then throwing it into my stomach.  I had also partied enough that night that you probably could have given me Smothered Cheese Cigarettes with Cigarette Ash and Saliva Dipping Sauce and I wouldn’t have noticed.

2. If you turned into a girl with really small boobs, and you couldn’t get a boob job for some crazy medical reason, what other female experiences would you want to try? (other than playing with your boobs all day)

So, I’m assuming I magically turned into this girl right with all my current male hormones?  I’m still THE Papa K just in a really small-boobed woman’s body… correct?  I’m going to assume that’s the case so I would first and foremost becoming a raging lesbian and if I look anything like I look now as a woman… I think it’s pretty safe to say I’d be pretty butch.

Before the Spice Girls had “Scary Spice” they had me: “Manish Spice”.

With all that being said, the differences between a really horny, hormone enriched dude and a bull dike lesbian chick with no boobs are slim (except for the plumbing).

After all that though, I’d have to say if  I wanted to experience one female experience I would probably want to get my drinks paid for at the bar… even if it was from another bull dike lesbian trying to get in my pants.

Oh… and trying to pee outside.  It looks hard for you guys!  Standing up is soooooooo much easier and fun to do when you’re trying to write your name in the snow.

3. If you had to kill someone, absolutely HAD to, what method would you choose?

Hmmm… let’s see… probably the “punch-through-the-chest-then-rip-out-their-still-beating-heart” move.

Or perhaps the “roundhouse-kick-to-the-temple-then-the-knee-slam-to-the-face-then-the-rip-of-their-spinal-cord-out-of-their-anus” move.

Or, better yet, the “double-lutz-triple-sow-cow-with-a-twist-karate-chop-to-the-testicles-(or vagina) to-distract-the-eventual-shotgun-to-the-face” move.

When all else fails… kick ’em in the nuts…

4. Are you ever going to move away from Okla-friggin-homa?

Erin… I’ve got a lot of freakin’ crazy fans out there who want a swatch of my skin for their trophy wall or lock of my hair for their voodoo doll.  Since you told them I live in Oklahoma that effectively eliminated the six other continents and 49 other states I could be living in. 

Now I’m going TO HAVE TO MOVE!  THANKS A LOT!!

5. Think of your most embarrassing moment from your childhood. Was anyone else responsible for said moment? If you could exact revenge for said moment – if it was someone else’s fault – what form would that revenge take?

Well… I’ve got no one else to blame other than myself.  I was a raging dork.  I actually wrote about it about a year and a half ago on my old blog.  If you wanna read it click this: Monkey Balls.  Or you can click the dorky picture of me and it’ll take you there:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Yes… that’s me… with the ice tea… and the hammer pants… and the Marvin the Martian t-shirt… and the turtleneck… and the look on my face worthy of an ass-whoopin’…

(SIDENOTE: if you read the story please excuse the crappy writing… it was a year-and-a-half ago… I think I’ve improved a little at least)

6. What is your biggest regret in life? (I know we’re supposed to not have any regrets because they help us grow, blah blah blah, but we all do, so spill it).

I’m in the business of completely spilling my guts, embarrassing myself and basically holding nothing off-limits… except when it comes to this question.  So I won’t divulge much more information other than just saying what my biggest regret is:  I had a one night stand in college.  That’s it… that’s my biggest regret.

Nipping at the heels of my biggest regret… is my SECOND biggest regret.  Read about it here

7. If you could go back in time to relive one moment – not change it, just relive it, what would that moment be?

Can I choose two?  No?  Well too bad.

First, I would relive my actually wedding day on Shipwreck Beach in Kaui, Hawaii:

While it was an incredibly happy moment indeed… I wasn’t relaxed.  I was quite tense.  No more tense than I think anyone is when they get married on their wedding day.  But, knowing then what I know now, I think I could have enjoyed myself a little more.

On a separate note… does anyone notice how skinny I am (and how shiny my forehead is)?

As opposed to how I look now?

Anywayzzzzz….

Secondly, I’d relive DLG being born.  As it was when Bunny and I got married, only multiplied by about 2 million, I was very tense, stressed, worried and basically a tightly wound ball of emotions.  Knowing what I know now… I’d like to go back a relive that (as well as the first two years of her life as well!).

I may look calm… probably because I have NO IDEA what I’m about to get into.

Totally.  Completely.  Clueless… as to what I’m doing.

 

Casey Shelton asked:

If you had to take the funniest thing that ever happened to you and turn it into a porn, what would you call it?

Hmmm… how many jugs of Crown Royal mixed with Southern Comfort had you chugged before you came up with this question!?

It’s hard to narrow one particular instance as “the funniest thing” that’s ever happened to me so I guess I’ll just choose one out of the never-ending list of hilarious things that have happened to me.  I think I’ll go with peeing in a pair of shoes that belonged to my gangster neighbor.

This story mainly centers around peeing and gangsters so I guess I’d call this particular porn, “The Golden Shower Gangsters”.

There you go.  I gave my answer.  I’m not going to write a whole screenplay on how I think the movie should play out…

DCHY came up with a thoughtful one:

Have you ever given to charity? And claimed it was a bigger donation than it really was when you told your friends?

Yes… my wife and I currently give to a charity called Compassion International.  We sponsor a little boy in Ethiopia.   An amount of money is automatically withdrawn from our bank account every month to help provide for whatever he needs over there.  While I’m not going to tell you how much we give… I will promise you that WE REALLY DO GIVE to this charity and I would encourage anyone who doesn’t currently give to a charity to consider Compassion as a choice.

 

Roger asked one simple question:

Will the Rangers GO to the World series this October?

God I hope so dude.  I’ve been a fan since I was about thirteen.  After all the years of loving them… you’d think I’d receive some sort of lovin’ back!  Right?

I happen to know you’re from New York.  Are you a Yankees fan?  If you are… then you shouldn’t be because: 

 

Shelle BlokThoughts asked some hard hitting questions:

Okay… if you could be famous for one thing and one thing only… what would it be for?

Probably for this:

If you were stranded on an island and had the internet for 30 seconds… what blog would you visit because that is all it would allow you to do is read one blog? (that might be the gayest question ever)

Totally not gay because I have a totally heterosexual answer:  Kim Kardashian’s of course! 

I know I shamelessly plug her alot… but it’s part of my schpiel!  And, if anyone wants to help me out, I want to get her to plug my blog on my fanroll and my unwavering need to have her picture with me!

Cuz this one’s just not doing it for me any more…

How much money did you pay your wife to marry you and procreate?

Whoa!  Harsh question sister!  I’ll have you know I’m offended!  I think we complement each other pretty well!  You know… sometimes it’s not always what’s on the outside that matters!  I may look like an old Vanilla Ice with graying hair and a bad back… but I’ll have you know that I make her laugh EVERY DAY!  If she had married Ryan Reynolds I don’t think she would have gotten that!  Well… okay… maybe she would have… but that’s not the point!  Bunny sees something in me that all of you out there in blog land don’t… and there’s not a price you can put on that.

But to answer your question… five million dollars.  I had to get an advance on my entire inheritance.  Boy… has it been worth it!

Our agreement was that I would pay her 2.5 million to say that she would marry me… then I would pay her the other 2.5 million AFTER we were actually married.  This picture shows me giving her the last of what I promised I would give her.

Mandal (my only member-jacket wearing super fan) asked:

Have u ever regretted something u’v done? what was it? why do you regret it?

See NUMBER SIX on ERIN K’s list of questions above there brother.

What was the size of your largest booger?

unfortunately… I’ve never measured my boogers so I can’t accurately answer this question.  What I can tell you is there’s a pretty good collection of boogers under the front seat of my car where I so conveniently stash them while I’m driving.  I’ll have to go out there and see if I can wrench any of them out from underneath my seat.  Although… they might have shrunk in the heat we’ve been enduring here in Oklahoma so the measurements might not be entirely accurate.  I’m guessing my largest was somewhere between three to five feet long.

Have ever timed your farts to see how long they were and what was the longest?

No… I have not timed my farts either.  I have some sort of sick obsession with them though.

Wanna blow some time at work?  Try out the Fart Soundboard!!!  My favorites are the “Uh-Oh”, the”What are you saying?” and the “I don’t know!”

Completely third grade humor I know…

————————————————————-

So… that’s it my loves.  I want to thank everyone who participated and everyone else can go jump off a cliff.  Wait… no I didn’t mean that.  Seriously… thank you everyone for reading and asking questions.  I’ll have to do this again soon.  In what other posts can I talk about farts, Compassion International, Denny’s Cheese Fries, the Texas Rangers and what I would do if I was a chick with really small boobs!?  It’s a recipe that can’t be beat!

Papa K Grants You The Wish Of Answering Your Questions (Part Two)!


Mo’ of yo’ questions my faithful followers!!

===================================

Tony asked…

What’s the most positive thing you’ve gotten out of blogging?

When I was struggling with OCD, anxiety and depression… my outlet was blogging.  It helped me take the jumbled up catastrophe of thoughts in my brain and put them into words on a page!  Tears sometimes streamed down my face after I’d go back and read what I wrote!  My blog has deviated from where it was almost two years ago (through the life of Hands To War and my previous blog: Virtual Hugs).  I had initially started it as a therapy for myself.  I don’t know why… but it felt better letting people know what I was going through.  I’ve always worn my emotion on my sleeve. 

Now that I’m in a better place, the blog reflects myself in a different light than it did two years ago.  While I still enjoy talking about religion, fatherhood and being a husband… I also enjoy talking about boobs, baseball and vlogging myself smashing my ass through a coffee table.

So… I would say that the most positive thing I’ve gotten from blogging is understanding myself.

Oh… and people who leave comments about how much they LOVE my blog.  Those are always pretty positive too.

What’s the most negative thing you’ve gotten out of blogging?

There’s a couple of things. 

First of all, once you start a fresh new blog, you can’t expect yourself to accumulate 1000 hits a day immediately!  I “knew” this when I started… but was hoping that since “I’m ME” and “You’re Not Me” that my blog would become the #1 search engine phrase on Google.  As fate has it… I’m dreadfully mediocre and wasn’t able to gain instantaneous fame and fortune just because I started a blog (yet).  It takes a lot of work to make yourself known… and I’m not even really up there with the big leaguers yet.  I’m barely in rookie ball right now.  So… I suppose this wasn’t as much a negative thing as it was just a harsh reality.

Secondly, I’m a perfectionist.    I want everything to be PERFECT… or up to my standards anyway.  This initially resulted in me spending too much time on the computer making each blog post perfect… and denying quality time with my wife in the evening.  Of course she’s not going to tell me to stop something I enjoy doing… but I admit that I was a little too involved initially and now have a more chiseled-out time to write blog posts.

Do you write your posts ahead of time?

I actually prefer bending the space-time continuum by stepping into the future and stealing my future blog posts and bringing them back to present day so I never really have to “do” any writing. 

Me in my sexy bikini about to travel into the future while getting a tan on my time machine/tanning bed

  

What do you think I can do to improve my blog?

You know what I love about your blog… you’re not ashamed of your geekiness!  Part of being a geek is not giving a crap what other people think about what you write about.  The first thing I thought when my eyes locked with yours on your blog’s profile picture were, “This guy did not post a picture of himself with a lightsaber as his profile pic!!”  Dude… now that’s awesome.  Being genuine and true to yourself will go A LONG way my friend.  Keep it up.

But… I love it when you write about Star Wars or zombies or being a comic book whore… I’m interested in the you write about that because I’m a geek too.  So I had to say one thing… I’d  say write more of that kind of stuff!

MamaMidWife one upped Gucci Mama with 11 questions asking…

1. What do you think of the “Twilight Freak”, really? (Cause I about cracked up on one of your older posts when you called him that).

I honestly wonder “What. The. Eff.  Am I missing something here?”  The dude is whiter than my ass used to be before I burnt it in a high velocity tanning bed just recently (yes while traveling into the future… see above).  So, I haven’t seen the movies… but I don’t have to and don’t want to because this whole “Vampire Craze” bugs me! 

2. If you and Bunny had another baby, would you (collectively, you and Bunny, not just YOU) seek out alternative health care to avoid a repeat Cesarian?? (i.e. midwife, family practice doctor, etc.) Would you consider a home birth? Do you think home birthers are nuts?

This is three questions by the way…

In answer to the first part of your question: I think I speak for both of us when I say, “No”.  While we both understand there are methods out there to prevent having a repeat Cesarian… everything that Bunny went through trying to get DLG out the most natural way was exhausting.  While we both know that she could have eventually… possibly… MAYBE been able to push DLG out we would run the risk of her having some sort of damage done to herself from the trauma of going through the birth canal.

In answer to the second part of your question: “No” as well.  It’s just a personal preference.  I (and I think Bunny) “feel” safer being in a hospital or birthing center.  While I doubt that statement is 100% true all the time… it at least puts our minds a little more at ease.

Lastly, I have close to 20 nieces and nephews (and one great-nephew)… nearly ALL of them were home births.  So… if I were to call home-birthers “nuts”… I may just not be invited to the next family reunion.  But honestly I don’t think home-birthers are nuts at all.  We’ve all got our personal preferences.  Now… if you prefer to have your baby while sky-diving… THAT would qualify as nuts.

3. What’s up with the naked chick tattoos (or “partially dressed” chicks might be more appropriate)?

For the record, I have THREE chick tattoos.  Wait… I have four!  Damn, I guess I do have a lot of chick tattoos.  Honestly… I don’t really know!  I guess I like chicks (a) in tight superhero outfits, (b) larger than normal boobs or (3) that look like my wife… so I want them forever emblazoned on my body.

I just think they look cool.  Gimme a break… geeeeeez!

4. Did you convert to Catholicism, or were you raised in a Catholic family? Is your entire family of origin Catholic? Have your brothers/sisters/parents remained Catholics?

Again… this is three questions.  I guess I’m going to have to rewrite the rules next time I have a question and answer session.

*HEAVY SIGH*

First answer: No.  I did not.  I was raised Catholic, fell away for about five or six years while I was in college getting drunk 24/7 and shortly thereafter but came back after wallowing in a rather large puddle of angst and self-pity.  Thank God I did.

Second answer: Both my mother and fathers side of the family were (and still mostly are) Catholic.

Third answer:  My parents remain STRONG Catholics.  My father really started getting into Catholic apologetics after he retired and they have probably read every book about being Catholic there has ever been published.  They’ve even been to Rome, seen the Pope and met Jesus while he was sipping his latte at the Starbucks next to the Vatican.  While my parents raised all of my siblings and I (there are five of us) Catholic… we all broke away from the church and I’m the only one to come back.  My sister over at One Thing (who needs to start writing again!!) is a very strong Christian who writes quite often about her faith.  My other sister is Christian too… but is really involved in the activities of her two high school kids at the moment to go to church.  My two brothers are unfortunately agnostic… but I pray for them every day!  I must say they are both dangerously hilarious though… my oldest brother just started his own little blog project: How To Create A Garden Of Inhuman Delights… it’ll have you rolling.

5. How do you feel about the Catholic devotion to Mary? What do you say when confronted by Protestants who are all like, “You worship Mary! Heretic!”, when in fact, we don’t?

If you’ve never listened to a Catholic apologist by the name of Tim Staples… then you should.  He is a man FAR MORE intelligent on this issue than I ever could be.  I can’t even begin to try to dissect your question because I would do it pretty miserably.  All I can say is that you’re right when you say, “We don’t”!  It’s a common misconception of Protestants who think we’re in mass, bowing before a statue of Mary and chanting a  Gregorian chant.

6. Does potty training suck? What’s your take on it?

Potty training does suck.  But I hate anything involving poop regardless.  I was just getting good at changing diapers without having to look at the poop.  Now… I have to look at it in the toilet and clap my hands and act really excited when all I want to do is throw up!  But I now it’s for the greater good so I push on through…

7. Now that you have a child: What do you think of the public school system and would you expose your child to what’s in it? (Think “comprehensive sex education starting in elementary school.)

Oh Lord… Bunny and I HOPE to be able to enroll DLG in a private school.  I’ve read about this and it’s pretty damn disturbing!

I learned about the birds and the bees when I went and saw, “Look Who’s Talking Too!” with my mom when I was in 3rd grade.  If you’ve seen it, there’s a scene where the sperm are racing each other to the egg to fertilize it and they’re all talking with each other.  It confused the living hell out of me and my mom had to explain it all to me on the drive home. 

Look Who’s Talking Too: a perfect sex-ed tool

8. Cloth diapers: Crazy or convenient?

Again…  I hate poop.  I’d rather wrap it up in a disposable diaper and throw it away than having to deal with putting the log in the toilet, washing the skidmark off the diaper, dealing with the smell, etc.

I know… I know… I’m not “green”.  Sue me.

Now my brother and his wife used cloth diapers and as far as I know… didn’t have a problem with it.  As it is with home birthing… it’s a personal preference.  Whatever floats your boat.  Or holds your kids gigantic piece of crap.

9. Loud toys: Only for Grandma’s house or Bring ‘em on?

DLG is not allowed to have toys.

10. Circumcision: Would you cut your boy (if you ever have one)? Leave him as God made him? Why or why not? (I highly recommend searching for a video of an infant circumcision on youtube and watching it before you formulate an answer. Of course that may predispose you to a big, fat, “NO”. My appologies.)

You know, I never really thought otherwise until Bunny got pregnant.  I never knew there was really “an option” to not get a circumcision! 

Believe me… I have NOT A SINGLE DOUBT IN THIS WORLD that a circumcision would hurt like a mothereffer!!  I do not need to nor do I want to see an infant get circumcised on YouTube!  I may just have nightmares.  With that being said… I think the positives outweigh the negatives when it comes to getting a circumcision.  While my heart would ABSOLUTELY BREAK for my son who just got circumcised because I know the little man just went through hell… I also know he won’t require massive amounts of therapy when he’s 30 because he won’t be able to remember it.

(Unless he’s that albino dude from the movie, “Powder”… who remembers everything… including when he was born)

Albino dude from “Powder” = creepy

11.  Is there a tattoo that you regret getting? (I have just one I wish I could get rid of.) Would you cover it up if you could? Remove it? Which one is it and why?

What’s with the three questions in a single question!

Yes.  This one:

View All Photos | This is by far the dumbest tattoo I have... no idea why I got it! | Papa Koenig

I regret this one because it really makes no sense whatsoever.  It’s a scorpion on my boob.  Okay.  What’s that mean?  I don’t know.

Yes… I have tiny nipples.

No… I haven’t thought of anything to cover it up with yet but plan on covering it up with another half-naked chick because you can never have too many of those.

——————————————————————

Still working on the others.  I’m not good at giving short and concise answers if you can’t tell already!

 

Papa K Grants You The Wish Of Answering Your Questions (Part One)!


Alright… so I’ve learned something from my post requesting all of you to bombard me with questions… and that is to be careful what you wish for.

I was betting on my  internet obscurity to barely harness enough to complete my goal of at least ONE question from TEN people… turns out I got 44 questions from twelve people.  Don’t get me wrong… I’m EXTREMELY flattered that you guys are interested enough in me to ask me questions at all!  But I don’t think I’m going to be able to answer all questions in just one post. 

So without further ado as Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas would say, “Let’s get it Sta-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ted in heeeeeeeearearearearaer!” and then I’ll pee my pants:

——————————————————–

In the order they were received:

Jonathan said…

How do you know I have screws?

(in reference to rule six I made in my post about these questions stating: “I will respond to your questions in a future post (in about a week) and give you Earth-shattering answers bound to loosen your screws a little bit)

Well Jonathan… I happen to know that you have a screw planted firmly in your forehead because I shot it in there with a nail gun that one time we ate mushrooms and I got scared because I thought you looked like one of those creepy bird things from “The Dark Crystal”:

 

Creepiest kids movie EVER…

 Next question.

Gucci Mama had TEN questions all by herself…

1. Of the following three people, you have to marry one, kill one, and sleep with one. Who gets what? Whoopi Goldberg, Richard Simmons, Bea Arthur

I definitly not marrying or sleeping with Richard Simmons… so I guess I’ll have to kill him.

I’m not sleeping with Whoopi Goldberg because that’s just gross… so I guess I’ll marry her.

I guess that mean I have to get it on with Bea Arthur… of the three… it doesn’t look so bad.

2. What is the first thing you noticed about your wife the first time you met her?

Ohhhhhhhhhh Gucci Mama.  Gucci Mama, Gucci Mama, Gucci Mama… I’m not going to give you a super hard time on this because I happen to know you haven’t been reading me THAT long.   The answer is a quick and simple and I’ve actually written about it: her amazing boobs.  I’m one of those typical dudes.  I love boobs.  While my mind may be here:

 

It’s actually always here:

There ain’t nothing wrong with that and I ain’t ashamed to admit it!  They’re what drew me to her and WHADAYA KNOW… we’ll be married five years in September!! 

3. You know what makes me want to eat nails and spit them at nuns? When I get sucked into “texting”, which I hate, and I end the conversation with something that requires no response and the other person sends back, “K”. That’s really more of an observation than a question.

In answer to your non-question… I like texting actually.  I’m not much of a phone talker so any time I get to skip the speaking part of a phone conversation I’m gonna take it.

4. Fun fact; I can balance just about anything on my boobs. I’ve even vlogged it for the world to see, and I will tell you, those were some pretty high traffic days over at MSWG. What, if any, special and surprising bodily talent do you have?

For a man, I have some fairly sturdy breasts… but not large enough to balance anything on other than my tiny nipples.  I guess if I had to come up with a bodily talent (one that I could talk about) I’d have to say that I can do this:

Unbelievably… this is a family talent that ALL my brothers and sisters can do as well as both my parents.  I guess it’s sewn into our genetic code.

Oh… and I was also able to melt my neck one time:

Although… I haven’t been able to do it since this picture was taken.  Thank God because it frightens me so.

5. What do you find most irresistible about me? My stunning good looks? My razor sharp wit? My brilliant political analysis (it’s not boring when I do it)? Or all of the above?

None of these are the MOST irresistible…  I have to say it’s the fact that you don’t give a flying EFF what anyone thinks!  You pour your soul out on your blog daily… regardless of how you feel.  Whether you’re having a bad day, creating your own reality show, loving the hate or standing up against idiots who want to teach sex-ed to Kindergarteners… it’s all done with a real “this is the way I am so get used to it” attitude.  I like that.  I try to approach my blog the same way… although not as political, a little more weird, some spiritual issues sprinkled in and a whole lot more pictures of Kim Kardashian

6. If you could be any kind of tree in the forest, what kind of tree would you be?

I don’t care what kind of tree I was just so as long as I was planted firmly next to this tree:

7. Sapete cosa dice questo?

Alright… I only speak English and Klingon so I had to try and translate this by utilizing several online translating forums and this is what they came up with: “Sapete questo says anything?”  That doesn’t help me much.  So… I don’t know what you’re asking me!  All I can say is, ” jIH rur nga’chuq tlhej wIj be’nal”.

8. What, if any, sports did you play in high school/college?

I played baseball for about twelve years.  I could have played in Junior College but I gave up playing because I was “in love” with this girl.  Stupid mistake.  If I knew then what I know now I’d be in the majors. 

My small little claim to fame is that I struck out current St. Louis Cardinal Matt Holliday twice when we were both in high school.

I remain a gigantic Texas Rangers fan and travel to see them every year for a couple of games.  I’ve well documented my last several outings here and here and have even gotten a tattoo to commemorate my devotion to them… although it remains slightly unfinished:

9. I hate ice cream. Really, really hate it. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being totally normal and 10 being crazier than a shit house rat, how psycho is it that I hate ice cream?

Well… I happen to love ice cream!!  So I guess I think you’re crazier than a shit house rat.

10. I would rather climb into bed with ten angry cobras than come within twenty feet of a single grasshopper. What is your most irrational fear?

So I’ll get serious on this one.  Since I’ve become a father… I struggle daily with irrational fears.  They used to be much much worse and I was actually diagnosed with a form of OCD known as “Pure O – OCD” or “OCD Bad Thoughts”.  It was an incredible struggle in my life and still is from time to time.  I’ve written about it frequently and my first blog (VirtualHugs) was actually the outcome of an incredible amount of anxiety, depression and need for myself to formulate the millions of thoughts and emotions that were spinning around in my head.  So, perhaps my most irrational fears involve the people whom I’m closest to and love the most i.e. my wife and child.  I wrote a post a while back called “Let Go” that reflected on how far I’ve come from the pit of anxiety and depression I found myself in after DLG was born.  Read it if you get a chance.

 

Kim Kardashian asked…

I’ve gotten your calls and your tweets and your emails and your carrier pigeons and seen you tailing my BMW on your BMX bicycle.  If I send you a picture for your fanroll of me in a bikini with your blog URL written on me with cherry red lipstick will you LEAVE ME ALONE?!

Send me a few locks of your hair, some toe nail clippings and some flakes of your dead skin along with the picture and we’re cool.

Tit For Tat asked…

#1. Do you believe that a talking snake convinced a woman to get her husband to eat an apple and because of that we all became shitheads for eternity?

First of all, thanks for the question.  I don’t feel as though I talk spiritually enough anymore… so this gives me the opportunity.

I’m sure whole books have been written on this subject of whether or not the stories in the Old Testament actually happened or if they are just stories.  What I know is the words on those pages were written centuries ago and have been translated and interpreted in a million different ways.  So do I believe that a snake actually talked to Eve and her husband actually ate an apple and because of that we actually became shitheads?  I really don’t think so… but if you believe in God then you know he can do whatever the hell he wants to do so if that’s the way he wanted to make it happen I ain’t gonna argue with him.

Secondly, I don’t really think making it your life’s work to prove or disprove whether or not Adam and Eve were actually real would prove to be a real salvation issue.  Whether the story is real or it never happened… it’s an illustration of the human condition and we should use it as a means to better ourselves.

#2. Because of question one why do you think a really nice guy decided to get nailed to a cross and die and comeback to life to forgive you for the shit that the apple guy caused?

 This question cannot be answered in a few short paragraphs and I can’t figure out if your kind of mockingly asking me this, if you really want to know or if you’re trying to test my theological skills… but I’ll do my best.

Why?  Grace of course.  If you haven’t read a book called, “What’s So Amazing About Grace” then I urge you to do so.  While grace seems so vastly illogical to a world today that is so deeply rooted in itself, instant gratification and what Christians call “sin”… it’s everything He is. 

The best way I can describe it is that He was taking the bullet for us.  If your child had a gun pointed to their head… you would gladly take the bullet instead of them, correct?  We are God’s children.  We had the gun pointed to our heads… and He took it for us.  Plain and simple.

Reverend Papa K is now leaving the building

——————————————————————

If you sent me a question and I have not yet answered it… do not despair.  I will get to you.  Look for more answers to your questions soon.

If you want to ask another one… feel free to do so after this post or if you’d like to make it easier on me and my OCD… leave it after this post.

I Want YOU To Ask Me A Question! NOW!!


Alright people… if you haven’t guessed already… I want you to ask me a question.  I’ve seen a couple other (more successful) blogs do this so I wanna try it too dammit.  It’s either going to be a raving success and I’ll be very pleased… or I’m going to be extremely dissapointed because I’ll come to find out that most of the traffic I get is from SPAMMERS or people searching for interesting key word searches like, “never sneeze and fart at the same time” or “my mother ass in bathroom” (yes… those are real word searches people did to “find” my blog).

Here are the rules:

1. There aren’t really any rules.

2. Okay… maybe there’s one or two rules.

3. Either leave me a comment on this post (click either “comments” or “leave a comment” at the top of the post) or send me an email at papak4324@live.com.

4.  ANYTHING GOES… except questions about politics because it bores me. 

5.  Make the questions good.  Don’t ask me, “Hey!  Papa K… why’s the sky blue?” or “Why are we here?” because I ain’t effing know!  Save those questions for Stephen Hawking and David Hasselhoff.  Ask real deep, thought-provoking questions like, “Why do you like boobs so much?” or “Have you ever peed your pants?” or “Would you rather eat a sundried tomato or a turkey gizzard?” (ANSWERS: Because they’re awesome.  Yes.  Sundried Tomato)

6.  I will respond to your questions in a future post (in about a week) and give you Earth-shattering answers bound to loosen your screws a little bit.

7.  I’m only going to post your questions IF I GET UP TO AT LEAST ONE QUESTION FROM 10 DIFFERENT PEOPLE!  So all you lurkers out there who’ve never made a comment… you time has come.

8.  That’s all the rules.

9.  As official rule maker I have the ability to change these rules at will, without notice and without parental consent.

10.  Okay… there was one more rule there… sorry.

Okay.  So.  Let’s go.  Ready…. go.  Alright.  Now it’s time.  Let’s do this.  I’m ready.  Just waiting on you…