Category Archives: Randomness

A place for stuff that has no real category

Tattooed Catholic


If you’re still following this blog for some strange reason, please feel free to continue to follow me over at my new, more serious blog called “The Tattooed Catholic”. I’ve moved on to bigger and better things now than talking about boobs, beer and baseball. Please check it out if you have a chance:

http://tattooedcatholic.com/

Also, continue to follow me on Twitter (@RealPapaK), Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/TheTattooedCatholic) and Instagram (@RealPapaK).

God bless ūüôā

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A Dream Realized


We all have dreams.

Some of us might have aspirations to make lots of money, have a huge bubbly butt or meet Carson Daly.

TRL? More like “TRSEXY!”

One of my dreams, for a while, has been to have a man cave.

When Bunny and I began to search for a new house several months ago, my one and only request was to have a place to call my own.

I didn’t care what it turned out to be. It could have been a third garage, it could have been attic space,¬†it could have been a closet, it could have been a freakin’ sod house for all I cared. I just wanted a place where I could get away. A place where I might be able to kick back, watch a baseball game and look at the newest swimsuit issu…. er, book with words in it (no pictures!).

We looked at what seemed like two billion houses. Some with a media room, some with a third garage, some with sheds in the back yard and one with what appeared to be a room where they kept their demon possessed child.

Since I’m a simple man with few requests when it comes to buying a house, I saw potential in each of these rooms (except the satanic one). I could imagine a projector and screen, a wall filled with nothing but a wide selection of movies and a space to set all my Texas Ranger’s paraphernalia. Each room would have been suitable for my needs… but Bunny couldn’t find what tickled her multiple fancies in any home.

Bunny needed an island in the kitchen, a floor plan that included a “mother-in-law plan”, a gas stove, bigger master closet (for all those damn shoes), an office, four bedrooms and cubby where she can store the lock of Justin Biebers hair she bought on eBay for $4,000.

My one request was indeed easier to fill than Bunny’s multiple needs because we eventually “settled” on a house that lacked the “mother-in-law plan” and cubby for her Justin Bieber lock of hair.

Unbelievably, it had the best man cave option of all.

So without further ado, allow me to let you (ladies included) to view within the confines of my man cave.

Looks fairly unassuming right?

BOOM! (Notice the manly Dora the Explorer seat next to the manly recliner)

What’s a man cave without an ode to his favorite professional team?

What’s a man cave without a wall FULL of autographed pictures of famous hotties! Okay… so it’s not full… YET. I’m working on it.

What’s a man cave without a line of autographed baseballs¬†SURROUNDING the perimeter of the recessed lighting above? Okay… so it’s not surrounding the perimeter just yet… but I’m working on it.

What’s a man cave without a GIGANTIC television!!! Okay… so it’s not gigantic YET… I’m working on that too.

Quite frankly, before you get a judgey¬†and say, “Well… that man cave doesn’t look all that spectacular!” just remember that we just moved in about a month ago. Aside from spending a small fortune on the movers,¬†a new¬†fence, a new refrigerator, a security system and a professionally installed¬†stripper pole for Bunny’s strip aerobics I feel like the man cave looks pretty effing awesome.

My long-range plans include surround sound, a bar complete with bar stools, some theatre style seating, shag carpet and a piranha aquarium.

The man cave is a work in progress but it will always be a place where I can go to wind down and ponder the dreams I’ve been so lucky to see come together in my lifetime.

I must be doing something right.

Hello? Anyone There?


It has been what feels like an eternity since I penned any words on ye olde blogge.

How are you? I want to know. Have you popped that huge cyst that was growing in your underarm? Have you made sweet love to the homeless man on the corner of Robinson and Kelly yet? What about the serum you were working on to cure penis envy?

A lot of happened since (1) I bid a momentary farewell, (2) I fell out of love for Kim Kardashian and (3) I paid homage to the tush.

For one… Bin Laden got shot in the face. Go USA.

Secondly: in keeping with my promise to all of you, I lost 2o mother effing pounds!!!

I hate me in this picture but I think it illustrates the weight I’ve lost… especially in my face… as opposed to my huge gut and double chin in the pictures below:

An extra scoop of double chin fat for anyone? Anyone?

Thirdly: we got all moved in to our mansion.

Gratuitous outside shot not really lending much to what the inside of the house looks like.¬† Don’t worry… I can tell you about it later.

Fourthly: Bunny lost, like… 15 pounds and now looks like she could crush¬†Brooklyn Decker¬†in a “who’s hotter” contest.

God I love them both…

Fifthly: I now have a man cave.

Yes… it’s messy. Yes… it’s a work in progress. Yes… I’m getting a bigger TV. Yes… I’m planning on writing a blog post about it. No… Bunny and I haven’t¬†christened the room yet (dammit). No… you can’t come over.

Sixthly: There are at least eight billion things to talk about.

I’ve been out of the blogging business for almost two months. I haven’t kept up with reading some of my favorite blogs (I’m looking at you, you, you, you, you¬†and you… sorry). I haven’t really tweeted or Facebooked. I haven’t really done much of anything worth relevance in trying to promote my douchness.

What I HAVE done is earn some money¬†with my¬†writing skills. I must say it is nice to get paid to write… but I can’t write about what I want to write about.¬†This delivers a¬†near fatal¬†blow to my creativity. I miss pouring my¬†life in so many words to the faceless readers who so diligently follow my walk through life like¬†I was Johnny Depp or Kat Von D.

I’m ready to do it again.

I can’t promise the diligence I once had to update my blog every couple of days. I¬†CAN promise that I won’t leave.

I can’t promise that I’ll always be at www.whoispapak.com. I’ve learned that writing and getting paid is desirable.¬†I just might¬†pigeon-hole myself into a blog focused on a theme.

I can’t promise I’ll always be so fraggin’ sexy. When I’m 183 I might not be all that smokin’ hot any more. In fact… I could be dead if they don’t figure out a way to regenerate frozen bodies soon.

I CAN promise I’ll always try to make you smile, I’ll always try to make you laugh (and cry… maybe… at times) and I’ll always try to get Brooklyn Decker (no more Kim Kardashian)¬†to know I’m alive.

“I’m Papa K’s new #1!!!! *Squeal*!!!!”

It’s Not You… It’s Me


It’s not you… it’s me.

If you’ve ever had your heart broken then you’ve probably heard the above phrase.¬† Unfortunately… you’re going to hear it again.

It’s not you… it’s me.

Can we just be friends?

Blogging is a lot of fun.¬† Unfortunately, it’s more of an avocation than a vocation for me at this point and it doesn’t pay the bills.¬† I tend to be a perfectionist and the time it takes me to perfect each posting can take me well into the morning hours at times.

For these reasons I’ve decided to take a massive step back at trying to become the worlds most massive blog for the time being.¬† Additionally, it has and will become and even lower priority over the next several months for the following reasons:

¬†¬†¬†¬† 1.¬† We finally¬†sold our house (including the giant¬†wine glass) and have signed the dotted line to move into another one.¬† If you’ve ever moved before you’ll understand the time and effort it takes to move your pile of shit from one place to another.

     2.  Along with my part-time, work-from-home job, I have been fortunate enough to find a freelance opportunity that will pay me to write!  Couple those opportunities together with chasing around a two-year-old and that makes for a pretty full schedule.

¬†¬†¬†¬† 3.¬† I’m putting a softball team together for the spring.¬† It’s been over a decade¬†since I’ve¬†been competitive (unless you count rowing or that strong man competition) in ANYTHING!!¬† I’m finally taking the bull by the horns and putting together my own team.¬† We’ll play¬†a double-header every Wednesday night for the next several months.¬†

     4.  Baseball season is almost here.  Last season my Texas Rangers went to the World Series and that is only because I watched every single game that season.  I plan on doing the same this season.

¬†¬†¬†¬† 5.¬† Bunny has certain “demands”.¬† This is nothing new but it is the truth.¬† We need our date nights, our alone time and our time to play with DLG.¬† By the grace of God himself I have started to do a little cooking and I know that this excites her and takes time from me being able to orchestrate thoughts on a computer screen.

¬†¬†¬†¬† 6.¬† I’ve been going back to the gym.¬† I’ve managed to lose about 10 pounds as of this moment and I plan on keeping up the momentum.¬† I don’t want to waste away into a Slim Jim but I am eager to look like someone on the front cover of Men’s Health.

¬†¬†¬†¬† 7.¬† I’m having¬†penile enlargement surgery.¬† I’m kidding.¬† I was just seeing if you¬†were paying attention.

All of these things just added to the daily struggles I (and I’m sure all of you) deal with… blogging is the weakest link.¬† While I still plan on keeping my blog updated¬†it won’t be the regular three to four posts you see from me a week.¬† You’ll be lucky to get that in a month at this point!

I’ll still be around.¬† I’ll still post occasionally.¬† I’ll pop in¬†to post unattractive¬†pictures of myself for your amusement at times like this one:

You can still follow me on Facebook and Twitter and submit pictures to my Fanroll if you so desire. 

I can never fully let go of blogging I and hope you can never fully let go of me either.

This isn’t good-bye, but rather… until next time.

I’m just so damn busy.

It’s not you… it’s me.

Christmas Break: I’m Taking One


Sometimes I like to pretend that this is a really “high traffic” website/blog and I’m a highly followed/sought after Z-list celebrity who commands the kind of respect that transforms their fans to openly sobbing, shivering lifeless masses of uncooked, limp turkey gizzards… but alas I am not.

So… this post is written in such a way to make it seem as though I’m the Justin Bieber of the blogosphere and you all are my sobbing, shivering lifeless masses of uncooked, limp turkey gizzards hanging on every word I type.

“Hey there.¬† I’m kind.¬† I’m sensitive.¬† I like to wear high-top shoes and barely be able to see through my hair.¬† I’m awesome yet have not undergone the turmoils of puberty yet so time will tell on how I look after all that.¬† Who are you?”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I THINK I PEED MY PANTS!!!¬†¬† I LOVE YOUR OPINIONS ABOUT KIDS ON LEASHES AND BREASTFEEDING IN PUBLIC!!!¬† CAN I HAVE YOUR CHEWED UP GUM????

“Sure sweetheart.¬† Anything for my fans.¬†¬† You’re what make me who I am!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HE ACTUALLY RESPONDED TO MY QUESTION!!¬† I THINK I’M HAVING A BRAIN ANEURYSM!!

Anyway, the purpose of this post is just to let you know that I’m taking a break.¬† I tend to have an addictive personality with things and with this blog I am no different.¬† It get’s to a point where I’m actually up until¬†2AM typing posts and/or letting my¬†car wander into¬†oncoming lanes of traffic while I ponder on things I can do to improve this little slice of heaven you’re reading.¬† I’m not really sure why I “addict” myself to certain things… perhaps it’s¬†the potential in this¬†blogging thing to eventually get paid by somebody!¬† Not for¬†blogging per se… but for writing¬†in general.¬† This blog helps me hone my skill, get my name out there and meet cool people like all you guys.

I just need a breather and I can’t think of a better time to do it during my favorite time of year: Christmas.¬† Christmas while I was growing up was good… not great.¬† Most of the time I’d mark up the JCPenny gift catalogue with a highlighter and post-it notes only to find on Christmas day I’d received nothing I’d wanted, but rather things my father picked out that would “teach me something”.

Now, as a father to a two-year-old and husband to a smokin’ hot wife, I make the damn rules around here and everyone gets what they ask for… and a little more.

While I chose to take some time off, I also chose to do some things to keep your Papa K interest peaked:

¬†¬†1.¬†I’ll use it to possibly upgrade¬†the site.¬† I bought my own URL a while back so I’m ready to get creative with the backdrop.

¬†¬†2.Also, while I’m on winter break, I will be doing some guest posting.¬† If you want to know when those will be then follow me on Twitter or “like” my Facebook page.¬† I’m a Twitter and Facebook junkie so if you’ve ever got a question for me then you’ve got a good chance I’ll respond on one or the other.¬† Or… if you don’t have either Twitter or Facebook¬†feel free to email me at papak4324@live.com and I’ll put you on my email list.

   3.  I plan on posting ONE post during my break regarding Jackon, the young man I wrote about a little while back who died from a form of brain cancer, and my quest to raise some money this Christmas in search for  a cure to the cancer that took him so early.  So be on the look out for that.

In closing, I ain’t the “Justin Bieber of the blogosphere” unfortunately… I’m just “some dude” who has “another blog” on the “internet” who wants to take a “couple weeks” off to enjoy “the” Christmas holiday.¬† I want you to know this in case some of you concerned fans out there might think I went off and lost myself in the Rocky Mountains or something.

Thanks for being my bloggy buddies.  Talk to you all very soon!

Funniest. Letter. Ever.


When I was a young lad of around five or six, I idolized my older brother Matt.¬† He was, like… the kind of big brother that most little tykes like me could only dream of!¬† He gave me foot rides, drew pictures for me, set up tents that covered the entire downstairs of our house and beat up¬†Paul (my other brother)¬†one of the many times he tried to end my life.¬† I wanted to be just like Matt when I grew up.

Unfortunately for me… there was about twelve years difference in our age.¬† So, when Matt moved away to go to college I was devastated!¬† Not just because Paul just might strangle me… but because I couldn’t idolize him there in front of me.¬† I had to do it from afar.

Below is one of the letters I typed to him on this new thing back then called an “Electric Typewriter” maybe you’ve heard of it:

While I have no idea what “we won” or have a recolection of the “cutest nicest littlest kitten” I met… it’s a slice of life that my mother managed to hang onto after¬†all these years.

Now, instead of writing him letters, I slap him in the crotch after we’ve had a couple of beers because it makes me laugh to hear him say, “Hey… why did you do that!”

Moments away from a crotch slap…

I’m all growed up.

Happy 200th To Me… Happy 200th To Me… Happy 200th To Papa K… Happy 200th To Me


Guess what?

Don’t forget to enter in my most recent giveaway and this is my 200th post.¬† Let’s party.

My huge glass of lemonade

That is all.

Oh and this:

It’s a picture of me when I was ten shoveling dirt from underneath the cattleguard on our family farm…¬† it was exciting.

Oh and this:

It’s a really close of picture¬†I took of our cat like five years ago.

Oh and this:

I am the boob king... finally.

It’s me wearing a crown made of boobs.

Oh and this:

It’s a picture of me at my seventh birthday party giving a thumbs up once I realized at some point in the distant future I might have a shot at being remotely awesome.¬† Maybe like 20% awesome… okay, maybe 10%.¬† Alright %5.

Oh and this:

YAY!! BEER!!

It’s me at the Boulevard Brewery in Kansas City jumping for joy at fulfilling my life long dream of swimming in a huge silo of fermenting Boulevard Wheat

Oh… and this:

It’s a picture I scanned of my boobs.

Now that is all.

Thanks for reading.

Also… don’t forget to enter for a chance to win in my most recent giveaway.

Quirky


I¬†know I‚Äôm a little quirky.¬† I’ve been perfecting it for years.

How else can you describe an individual who claims to be an introvert yet bares his soul on a semi-regular basis for anyone that has an internet connection?¬† That‚Äôs why I describe myself as an EXTROVERTED introvert.¬† I come by it honestly.¬† It’s all in the way I grew up.

I am the youngest in my family by almost¬†TEN years.¬† It‚Äôs interesting because my four¬†older brothers and sisters were all born within a span of¬†about six¬†years… ¬†then I came¬†a decade after.¬† So, while my brothers and sisters graduated and moved away¬†I thought the sun rose and set inside a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shell, Donald Duck still presided on my underpants and I wasn’t anywhere near growing my first pube.

I don’t remember a lot of things before the age of eight.  However, I do have plenty of memories after  my siblings had graduated high school and moved away to succumb to all the various nefarious actions they were limited to while living within the friendly confines of our parents house.  Indirectly, I grew up as an only child.  I grew up idolizing my siblings that came before me and as I grew I tried so hard to adopt their mannerisms, their sense of humor, their comedic timing and their writing style.

To this day, when all my brothers and sisters get together they all try to one-up each other in various acts of hilarity.¬† Living in a home for most of my impressionable young life as an ‚Äúonly child‚ÄĚ I lived in the shadow of their antics.¬† I could never compete.¬† My voice was always lost because I was the youngest.¬† My comedic timing had not matured.¬† I had not found my place.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my siblings, I loved their sense of humor, their ability to engage me, make me laugh and they made no qualms in their admittance of unbounded love for their little brother: the surprise.

My oldest brother never failed to make me laugh… in fact… he was my idol…

My sister covers the front of the envelope to one of my birthday cards with her own  touch of creativity

Again, my eldest brother leaves his indelible mark in a Valentines Day card my parents sent me while I was in college

From a card congratulating me on my high school graduation, my next oldest brother steals a movie line (extra points to anyone who knows where that came from) and adds his own fart joke… so typically my family…

On more than one frequent occasion, the artwork and words of affirmation came spilling from inside the card to the BACKSIDE of my birthday cards… in this instance from my sister Jenni

Try as I might, I never thought I would never be as funny or as clever as any of them.  But I tried:

As a homeschooled middle schooler, I was assigned to write the story of the good Samaritan as told in the third person.  Needless to say, not only did I have to rewrite it (as my mothers note so clearly states on the side) but it really was quite horrible!

This is a puzzle I made for my mom.¬† I’m not quite sure how old I was when I made it or what I was trying to accomplish but whatever the case may be it is as¬†equally disturbing as it is apparent how much I was crying out for help!

I was young and trying to find my funny bone, my calling card, my place… my identity¬†in our¬†witty, well-versed, vaudevillian family.¬† As it is with most little brothers trying to make an impression on their siblings whom they look up to… I was simply trying too hard instead of just letting the pieces fall into place.

I grew up a shy kid.¬† I wasn’t comfortable with talking too much because quite frankly I felt like I had to make the Earth spin over on its axis when I spoke.¬† I felt that’s what my brothers and sisters were able to do.

I gradually grew out of thinking this way… but my demeanor has never changed.¬† I’m still the quiet, introverted individual who it may take you a few times to get to know.¬† But underneath my quiet, blase exterior… is an¬†extrovert!¬† A¬†guy who writes a ridiculous blog.¬† A guy who (I believe) you all enjoy coming back and reading on a semi-regular basis.¬† A guy who undoubtedly wants HIS stuff to make¬†you laugh.¬† A guy who’s suddenly the king of physical comedy once his mug is in the crosshairs of a video camera.¬† A guy who, as a kid, used to cut the faces off male celebrities and paste them on the bodies of women in fashion magazines:

Yes… that’s Leslie Nielsen of “Naked Gun” fame…

Hey… isn’t that Danny DeVito?

Through my nearly 31 years of being alive, I’ve never been more comfortable with who I am than now.¬†¬†I’m just happy for feeling as though I’ve finally arrived, that I’ve found my place, that I’m living up to my last name and that I’m uniquely¬†quirky… as are the rest of my brothers and sisters:

Happy Halloween From The Flintstones


Yabba Dabba Do Mother Truckers!

What did you all go as for Halloween this year?

Tell me or I’ll smash your forehead in with my giant caveman club as easy as if I was a real caveman hunting for nuts, berries and the wild wooly mammoth.¬† Kinda like Fred Flintstone.

My First Love


Do you know the first time I knew I was a full-blown heterosexual male? 

I was five and in kindergarten. 

I honest to God don’t remember her name and I only have this picture of her:

At the time, for some reason,¬†the kindergarten I attended had¬†two kindergarten teachers… I’ll let you guess on which one I had a crush on.

Yep.  Not the dark-haired one.

We’ll call her, “Ms. Badonk” since I can’t remember her name.

Now, when I was five, Ms. Badonk was so fresh and so clean that I would have gladly ate all the glue in class just to get her to pay attention to me more than the other kids.¬† In the above picture… I had just competed in the Kindergarten talent show.¬† I had done some magic I’d learned.

“And now… I will make Ms. BaDonk love me!”

From what I can remember (I’ve smoked a lot of crack since then), Ms. BaDonk was so proud of me and my incredible magic¬†that she asked my mother if it would be okay if she took me to the strip club she worked at on weekends for a drink.¬† My mother emphatically answered “no” and reported Ms. BaDonk to school officials.¬† I never saw Ms. BaDonk again… but man I loved her with as much passion a five-year-old could muster.

THE END.