Tag Archives: Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian Ready To Marry Former Cro-Magnon Man: Kris Humphries


 Cro-Magnon men are well-known as the earliest modern humans with traces of their existence dating back about 35,000 years ago. From what scientists with brains larger than the average watermelon can assume is that their forehead was straight, with slight browridges along with a prominent chin and a tall forehead. They stood around 6 feet 3 inches tall and their limbs were long making them stand like a stretched-out Stretch Armstrong. All in all, you could expect them to look like what the ugliest human alive today might look like.

"Hmmm... What for dinner? Wooly Mammoth or that dude that died yesterday?"

It has long been assumed that these Cro-Magnon men died out long before the Wal-Mart deli made catching a saber-tooth tiger in order to feed your family seem like a desperate act of suicide.

Well, that’s what scientists with brains bigger than the average watermelon want you to think. What they’re not telling you is that several years ago they discovered one of the Cro-Magnon men completely well-preserved in a frozen pile of mammoth dung.

“The best we can tell is that he was the unfortunate recipient of a major blockage inside a very constipated wooly mammoth,” said Norwegian fecal scientist Ole Vogelstein who discovered the giant pile of crap. “Uh… judging by the fact he had a spear in his hand when we found him, we assumed he was sneaking up on the mammoth as a means to run him through with a spear. It didn’t pan out as he’d expected.”

Scientist Ole Vogelstein stands near the discovery of the largest pile of mammoth dung ever found. Shortly after this picture was taken, the frozen Cro-Magnon man was found inside.

The frozen Cro-Magnon man was found in the mammoth feces shortly after it was attempted to move giant pile of preserved poop.

“We ran a couple seismic tests on the pile and came to find a rather large, unusual lump within the pile that, had it actually come out of a wooly mammoth, would have torn it a new asshole.” said Ole. “Since it is just poop and we weren’t really worried about keeping it in mint condition, we broke it open and found a caveman inside, frozen all these years with a scream still on his face.”

Ole and his fecal scientist associates unfroze the cro-magnon man, named it Kris and taught it how to play basketball.

Unfrozen caveman basketball player: Kris

Before too long, the former Cro-Magnon man who was perfectly preserved in a giant pile of wooly mammoth shit, garnered attention from several basketball scouts from America.

“It appears that the mammoth shit he was preserved in helped his body stay warm and moist while slowing down his heart just enough to stay alive,” said New Jersey Nets scout Humphrey Smithbalm, “What most of us couldn’t imagine staying in for more than a few minutes, this kid survived in for 35,000 years! For what it’s worth, I think the mammoth shit regenerated his cells to a point where he’s almost unbreakable! Which is pretty amazing considering wooly mammoths only really ate tundra grass.”

For a life that began over 35,000 years ago in an arctic cave and seemed to have ended under an incredibly large meadow muffin, Kris’ life has really turned around. Several months ago, Kris asked reigning reality show queen Kim Kardashian to marry him (after he smashed her across the cranium with a giant club as was his former custom).

She said yes.

Going with what he’s known for the last 35,000 years, Kris runs to the next closest thing to a giant, steaming, rancid, frozen pile of mammoth droppings.
“Me like her,” said Kris in broken english, “She have big ass. I like. Not big like mammoth but still pretty big.”
 
“You know, he’s just the sweetest guy,” says Kim, “Other than those moments where he starts sweating and smells like a giant turd.”
 
 
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Hello? Anyone There?


It has been what feels like an eternity since I penned any words on ye olde blogge.

How are you? I want to know. Have you popped that huge cyst that was growing in your underarm? Have you made sweet love to the homeless man on the corner of Robinson and Kelly yet? What about the serum you were working on to cure penis envy?

A lot of happened since (1) I bid a momentary farewell, (2) I fell out of love for Kim Kardashian and (3) I paid homage to the tush.

For one… Bin Laden got shot in the face. Go USA.

Secondly: in keeping with my promise to all of you, I lost 2o mother effing pounds!!!

I hate me in this picture but I think it illustrates the weight I’ve lost… especially in my face… as opposed to my huge gut and double chin in the pictures below:

An extra scoop of double chin fat for anyone? Anyone?

Thirdly: we got all moved in to our mansion.

Gratuitous outside shot not really lending much to what the inside of the house looks like.  Don’t worry… I can tell you about it later.

Fourthly: Bunny lost, like… 15 pounds and now looks like she could crush Brooklyn Decker in a “who’s hotter” contest.

God I love them both…

Fifthly: I now have a man cave.

Yes… it’s messy. Yes… it’s a work in progress. Yes… I’m getting a bigger TV. Yes… I’m planning on writing a blog post about it. No… Bunny and I haven’t christened the room yet (dammit). No… you can’t come over.

Sixthly: There are at least eight billion things to talk about.

I’ve been out of the blogging business for almost two months. I haven’t kept up with reading some of my favorite blogs (I’m looking at you, you, you, you, you and you… sorry). I haven’t really tweeted or Facebooked. I haven’t really done much of anything worth relevance in trying to promote my douchness.

What I HAVE done is earn some money with my writing skills. I must say it is nice to get paid to write… but I can’t write about what I want to write about. This delivers a near fatal blow to my creativity. I miss pouring my life in so many words to the faceless readers who so diligently follow my walk through life like I was Johnny Depp or Kat Von D.

I’m ready to do it again.

I can’t promise the diligence I once had to update my blog every couple of days. I CAN promise that I won’t leave.

I can’t promise that I’ll always be at www.whoispapak.com. I’ve learned that writing and getting paid is desirable. I just might pigeon-hole myself into a blog focused on a theme.

I can’t promise I’ll always be so fraggin’ sexy. When I’m 183 I might not be all that smokin’ hot any more. In fact… I could be dead if they don’t figure out a way to regenerate frozen bodies soon.

I CAN promise I’ll always try to make you smile, I’ll always try to make you laugh (and cry… maybe… at times) and I’ll always try to get Brooklyn Decker (no more Kim Kardashian) to know I’m alive.

“I’m Papa K’s new #1!!!! *Squeal*!!!!”

Kim Kardashian And I Broke Up


Those of you who know and read me are familiar with my crush on the socialite gone mega-super reality star, Kim Kardashian.  I’ve mentioned her one too many times on this blog and have kind of made it a running joke for those of you who read me often.

I understand my fascination with her.  It isn’t her wit or wisdom or ability to make me laugh.  It certainly isn’t the fact she made a sex tape with Ray J who might possibly the Universe’s biggest douchebag.  It honestly was because of her looks.

But even I can’t maintain a celebrity crush based on that alone.

When someones fame becomes far larger than the galaxy in which they reside… it kinda turns me off.

She’s everywhere.  She endorses everything.

Shoes:

Fast Food:

Weight-Loss Supplements:

Silly Bands:

The Dodgers:

Giant Mouth Bowls:

And along with a million other products… she has her very own song for the love of everything holy.

How much more exposure does she need?  How much bigger can she become?  The Kardashian mafia made over $65 Million in 2010 and they command such outrageous demands as $25,000 for a tweet to endorse a person or product!  No wonder I could never get her to follow me on Twitter!  I don’t have $25,000 to throw at her so she can make more in one second typing something on Twitter than most people in Cambodia or Somalia make in their entire lifetime.

Kim is very pretty but I believe her head has become bigger than her ass at this point… and that would make for one gigantic head.

I’m sorry Kim… it’s over between you and me.

Please stop crying.  You’re embarrassing me.

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So, as the former holder of the number one spot on my list, you might be thinking, “Who are you replacing her with?”

I’m celeb crushin’ on Andy Roddicks wife: Brooklyn Decker.

You may have seen her in Adam Sandler’s most recent movie, “Just Go With It.”

She seems to be the antithesis of Kim Kardashian (for now) and that’s alright with me.  I just hope fame doesn’t make her ugly because I can move on pretty fast once that happens.

Gluteus Maximus Finally Receives The Recognition It Deserves


I make a lot of noise about (  .  )(  .  )’s on this blog because… uh… well, because it’s my blog gosh darn it.  I happen to be a hormone-enriched Neanderthal of a man and am not afraid to admit my fascination with God’s most fabulous accessory creation.  Men are visual creatures and I am no exception to the rule.  Rather than worship them in hushed tones, I choose to say, “Hey… I’m a Neanderthal!  Me likey!!”

But this post isn’t about what I’ve written about in jest several times before this.

“But Papa K,” you’re asking yourself, “You’re supposed to be writing [all classy-like] about boobs during the whole fourth week of this month of February [where I set aside a week to talk about individual people/things I love]!”

I know.  I know.  But this post isn’t about boobs. 

It’s about the derriere.

I was somewhat horrified when scanning everything I’ve written in the two-and-a-half years I’ve been doing this and not one single post was dedicated to the tush.

What a horrific revelation!

I have nothing against rear-ends.  In fact… I quite fancy them!

Thus my fascination with Academy Award winner Kim Kardashian I suppose:

My fascination is not far beyond most rappers infatuation with boobs’ southern cousin.  Countless songs have been written by bejeweled and/or grilled rappers regarding the ba-donk-a-donk to a point where I’m sure it could warrant its own XM radio station.  In fact, more songs have been written about the tail-feather than have been written about its more flaunted cousins from the north. 

Sir Mix-A-Lot was really ahead of his time.

Now, this is real deep stuff… but quite frankly, the booty and the breast would be helpless without one another.

Disney’s Booty and the Breast… what a great flick

You may claim to be a breast man or a booty man but if you have one without the other it’s like eating a sandwich without bread or kicking ass without taking names or watching The Wonder Pets without Ming-Ming. 

So, am I a boob man?  No.  I’m a boob AND arse man.

It’s time for me to give these lovely lady lumps their dues.

CABOOSE!! I SALUTE YOU!!

(PS – Do you know how hard it is to come up with so many different names for Gluteus Maximus?)

(PSS – I’m thinking about submitting this post to Rearders Digest)

(PSSS – I seriously can’t believe I came up with that joke.  I’m laughing at myself.)

(PSSSS – It was really late when I wrote this)

Some Things You May Find Interesting


Since February is the month in which Valentines Day is contained I figured I’d dedicate each week during the month to something that I love.  So the upcoming schedule for the month of February is as follows:

February 1st – 7th:  Any post added during this time will be about DLG
February 8th – 14th: Any post added during this time will be about Bunny
February 15th – 21st: Any post added during this time will be about baseball
February 22nd – 28th: Any post added during this time will be about boobs (  .  )(  .  )

Now I won’t be posting every day… just any post during those blocks of time will be about that weeks “person/thing that I love”.

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If you haven’t already asked me a question… then do so.  You’ll be automatically entered to win a $15 iTunes gift card from ME!  It’s that easy.

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NEWSFLASH: I finally figured out a way to get Kim Kardashian to follow me on Twitter.  It seems some genius came up with an idea to raise money for charity by getting certain celebrities to auction their Twitter follows, retweets and such on eBay.  For those of you unfamiliar with Twitter… what I mean is that I could bid against several other hopeless stalkers like myself JUST to get Kim Kardashian to follow me and my spectacular tweets!!  For a moment, I thought that I might be the only one who knew about this auction and be able to get Kim to follow me on the cheap!!! $50 AT THE MOST… I was sure.  Unfortunately JUST to get her to follow me I would have to pay (at this point) more than $177… and there’s still almost a week left to go.

This guy probably has money to blow…

Dammit.  I ain’t payin’ that much.

Oh well… there’s still Will Sasso, Tom Arnold and Jamie Kennedy still available on the cheap (at least at the moment I published this).

I guess unless I have an anonymous donor to the “Get Kim Kardashian To Follow Papa K On Twitter” fund then I’ll have to just try to get her to follow me the old-fashioned way: bugging her incessantly.  That’s how I got Jenny McCarthy to follow me.

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I can’t wait to see this movie:


Wait… crap… I mean this movie:

Or this movie:


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Anyone else looking forward to Super Bowl commercials!  At no other time during the year am I more focused on the advertising than the actual programming.

I have my reasons for not liking football…

If you wanna have a laugh check out Oddee.com’s “10 Most Controversial Super Bowl Ads“… guaranteed for a chuckle or two.

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Finally, if you’re on Facebook and you haven’t “liked” my blog page then c’mon…. seriously… what’s wrong with you.  DO IT!! NOW!!

If you’re on Twitter and you don’t follow my tweets… don’t make me have to pay for you to follow me.  Just do it.  Jenny McCarthy does…

Lastly, I love pictures for my Fanroll.  Don’t pretend like you have something better to do than take a picture for my fanroll… cuz I know you don’t.

Papa K Grants You The Wish Of (Exhaustively) Answering Your Questions!! Part Four


I recently asked for some questions of which I said I would answer in a future post.  Well… welcome to the future.

If you want to read past questions and the answers to those questions then go here.

Also, stay tuned (through an almost obnoxious number of boob questions… but I brought that on myself) to the end of the post when I reveal the winner of the $20 gift card (awarded to a random question-giver)

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Gucci Mama asked this one simple question:

What is your favorite thing to do with DLG? Do you take her on daddy dates? I really hope you take her on daddy dates. You must.

What’s funny is that it’s the little things that seem so simple that mean the most to me.  It’s honestly not possible to narrow it down to ONE thing… but I can give you a number of “number one’s”:

     – I take her to the donut shop some mornings when she wakes up… she LOVES it

     – Cuddle with her while watching Yo Gabba Gabba or Wonder Pets

     

     – Taking her out to eat at Chick-Fil-A then playing in the play area afterwards

     – Doing some of the most mind-numbing things to me are re-birthed as some of the most exciting things through her eyes

     – Going to PetsMart and looking at all the fish

     – If she’s tired enough when I sing to her at night she lays her head on my shoulder and I just melt

     – I’ve only done this once but plan on doing it more: taking her to a baseball game

      

I could go on but my most favorite thing to do is just be the best role model I can be to her.  One of the great things about being able to stay at home with her is exposing her to a strong male figure (at least I consider myself to be such) a lot of the time early on in life.  While establishing the strong male figure definitely can be done with dads who aren’t able to stay at home, I take the additional time with her very seriously and am never afraid to show all my emotions and get down on her level.  When she grows up… I want her to marry a guy like me (but preferably a major league baseball player so I can get free tickets) so the groundwork I lay now is important.

We do everything we can and have as much fun as we can because dammit… she’s growing up fast.  I only get this opportunity once.

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Scott asked in a completely relevant and professional way:

Do you cry after sex?

First of all I make sweet, sweet love to my wife.  So, the correct way to ask this question is, “Do you cry after making sweet, sweet love?”

But anyway, in answer to your question… no.  I usually fall asleep or flex in the mirror for a couple of hours.

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Kim (from “Baby Feet”) asked me a couple questions:

How long did you wait to kiss your wife? Was your first date awesome? How long before you knew she was ‘the one’? How long before she knew?

I kissed her on our first official date.  I was a real slut.

In actuality, our first meeting took place at a smokey bar where we were hooked up by a mutual friend.  A few days after our smokey meeting I asked her out and we went out to eat and then to attend the local comedy club. 

One of our first dates.  I was much younger and more pale.  Okay… maybe just younger.

We had a great time.  It was actually the first date I’d ever been on where I’d spent $100 over the entire course of the date (and I should have seen the writing on the wall).  It turned out to be $100 well spent though because I did get a kiss out of the deal (and that’s all I’m allowed to say!).

I can’t say that I knew right away that she was “the one”… but I was incredibly entranced by her endless cleavage and believe that if it hadn’t been for that I might not have gotten to know the incredible person she really is under all those boobs. 

She, on the other hand, knew right away that I was the one.   So much in fact that after our first date she told her grandma that she was going to marry me.  That’s what she tells me anyway…

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Cathie asked:

What would you do if your gorgeous daughter got a KNUCKLE Tattoo ?? on all 10 knuckles ?????

Hmmm… from a professional “getting tattooed person” I can’t say that I’d be too impressed.  Knuckle tattoos fade too easily and aren’t really all that attractive on two-year-olds.  Now if she wanted to get a tattoo on the back of her neck where her hair would cover it up or perhaps an arm sleeve of Yo Gabba Gabba characters I would probably sign off on it IF SHE ASKED ME FIRST because I am the coolest dad this side of the Mississippi.

I kid. I kid.

In all honesty, I would like to think she’d know better than to do that when she’s “of age”.  I can’t very well prohibit her from getting a tattoo since her daddy is gaining on twenty tattoos himself… but as a tattooed person I couldn’t be angry with her.  But I would be extremely disappointed she chose such a crappy area to get tattooed.  I should know… I have a knuckle tattoo:

It’s not a crappy tattoo since it signifies the marriage to my wife (“M” is Bunny’s first initial) but it is a crappy area to get tattooed because it’s susceptible to fading.

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Tabeetha asked me a question regarding my wedding day:

 I want to know if you ever ended up pooping out your spleen after your wedding illness issues? I’ve been meaning to ask for years!

“Tabeetha” is a first time commenter but a long time friend of Bunny and I.  She’s referring to a home movie that I shot of the two of us the night after we got married where I explained in vivid detail the events that led up to a trip to the emergency room THE NIGHT BEFORE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED.  I had obtained horrible food poisoning and lived through what seemed like a near-death episode, an event I described in our home video that was like “pooping out my spleen”.

“Tabeetha” thought this was hilarious.

Tabeetha, I can tell you I’ve never pooped out my spleen so I don’t know for sure if it IS ACTUALLY comparable to horrible food poisoning.  Hell… I don’t even know where my spleen is!!

Oh… there it is…

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Mama MidWife (who’s been on my ever since my breastfeeding post) asked me some boob questions:

1.  How old were you *really* when you quit breastfeeding?

     My mother tells me I was a little over a year… maybe 13 or 14 months!?  As she tells it, I bit her really hard which resulted in her getting angry with me and I never went back

2.  Do you think breastfeeding lead you to become a “booby” man?

     In all honesty, what straight man isn’t a “booby man”?  I know that some may prefer legs or butts or the nape of the neck over boobs (which is insane in the membrane) but show me a guy (straight or gay) who    doesn’t think boobs are awesome and I’ll tattoo Richard Simmons on my lower back.

     But in answer to your question: YES… absolutely.

3.  Is a third nipple hot?

     Depends on where it is I suppose.  If it’s on your forehead that would be a little odd.  If the third nipple came on a third boob then we might have something.

4.  Would you rather cuddle or have sex?

     You do know I’m a guy right?  I may be in touch with my feminine side a lot more than some dudes but when my wife so much as sits down and adjusts her chair for dinner I get aroused!  So cuddling doesn’t last very long until I’m asking the question. 

5.  I realize I have commented before. Will you still consider me for the prize?

     Yes.  But not until you send me a picture for my Fanroll (I’m still waiting).

6.  Did you know they have knitting patterns for things like “penis cozy”? What kind of guy would want that? There are also patterns to knit your own ta-tas.

     For those of you who don’t know… Mama MidWife is a knitting freak of nature.  Every time I go to her blog she’s talking about a new knitting project.  Knitting to me is about as interesting as sitting on porcupine quills or watching NASCAR.  That’s okay… I’m sure some people feel the same about watching baseball.  So… to each their own but if you’ve ever had an interest in knitting then Mama MidWife is your gal (I’m lookin’ at you Gucci).

     In answer to your question though Mama MidWife: Me.  Where can I get one? 

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My good blogger buddy “UP” asked perhaps the most mind-bending question:

What is the meaning of life (I mean other than Kim Kardashian)?

 

*sigh*

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Bunny and I went to this little restaurant chain called “Steak and Shake” the other day.  It’s set like an old 50’s diner with picture of old cars on the wall and endless shake option and 50’s era jam bands blasting on the jukebox.  Their burgers weren’t too bad either!

I think that’s probably the meaning of life. 

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Chopper Papa wants to know about my underwear:

Boxers or briefs?

I don’t really understand the purpose of boxers quite honestly because it’s just like wearing small shorts under your pants so why wear any at all?  Also, I don’t particularly like “free-ballin'” and prefer to go for a more “soft” support of my sperm-generators like my wife’s cupped hands or a bowl of whipped creme.

Briefs are for male supermodels and/or David Beckham of which I am decidedly not either. 

My thighs are too insanely skinny to wear them and the hug my testicles in such a way where it feels as though they’re going to push through my undercarriage.

So… I prefer to go for the best of both worlds: boxer-briefs.

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Daddy Can’t Hear You (or DCHY) asked:

1.  Scientific – when did you first realize that you were bound by the law of gravity?

     The first time I had it was at this fast food restaurant they have here in Oklahoma called “Braum’s”.  I was probably around 10 or 11 and I was there with my parents after church one Sunday morning.  I’d never had biscuits and gravity before so I ordered then.  They were really good.

Braum’s biscuits and Gravity… YUM!

Oh wait… those are biscuits and GRAVY!!  Not biscuits and GRAVITY!!  Gosh… I’m such a dweeb.

I’m sorry… I don’t have any idea what “gravity” is!?  Does it go on pancakes?

2.  Philosophical – why does life continue to give us lemons, knowing we prefer bananas?

If your supposed to make lemonade when life gives you lemons… what are you supposed to make when it gives you bananas?  A banana-split?  Feed a monkey?

3.  Childish – what did 0 say to 8?

    I honestly don’t know.

    Okay… I know… I had to Google it. 

    Is it “Nice Belt!”?

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Dennis P asked me another boob question (C’mon people… how old are we?  The answer is:  “Never too old to talk about boobs”):

Was your first glimpse of Bunny boob as amazing as you had built it up to be?

Yes.  In every sense of the word.  I think for every man whose mind has prepared itself for complete sensory overload is still never quite ready for the full reveal! 

My wife is the epitome of what I fantasized about when I was a pubescent teenager.  When my teenage fantasies became reality as a dorky adult… I can’t say I didn’t give myself a few high-fives!

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Joseph, a new reader, asked me these questions:

1. I don’t have a website, but I know a lot of people who blog and they tell me that I should start a blog but I don’t even know how to do it, what would you suggest?

     My sister peaked my interest two years ago while I was getting sucked into her blog: One Thing (which she hasn’t blogged on in a while… but she used to).  I approached her with the same question and basically she just told me to “do it”.  So, what I’m saying is there’s no real special advice I can think of as far as getting started… it’s staying motivated that’s the real trick.  I say that I blog for the fun of it and to hone my own writing skills but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care how many readers I have.

     One thing that I’ve learned is that once you go live with your blog you’re not going to instantaneously have 1,000 readers!!  You actually have to work at getting and keeping them!!  That was something I wasn’t honestly prepared for but something I’ve learned a lot about since becoming a famous blogger.

2. My blogger friends tell me that they have made some great friendships through blogging, is that true for you too?

     I wouldn’t classify any of my blog friends as GREAT friends because we don’t really know each other on a personal level outside of the blogosphere… but I’ve definitely made some good blogging buddies.  That isn’t to say that if I ever did meet any one of them in person we wouldn’t wind up being the most awesomest friends but it just hasn’t happened yet.

3. What are some good blogs you would suggest for someone to start following and why?

     I have a page tabbed at the top of this blog called Papa K’s Friends… these are the blogs and websites I would recommend.  I haven’t updated it in a little bit as there are a few I’d like to add but for the most part it’s my complete list.

4. if you could die laying on boobs, whose would you choose Kim Kardashan’s or your wife’s

     As much as I like to bring up Kim Kardashian and her amazing body of work… I would never choose her over my wife.   My wife and I have “The List” and play around with the idea of “what if” but in all reality if for some reason I was set to meet my maker and had one last thing to snuggle between before crossing into the hereafter I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else than between my wife’s melons.

… but there are probably quite a few gents you wouldn’t mind gasping their last breath with their chin firmly rested on her sternum…

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Finally, KristieMae asked these last two questions:

1. What are three things that you enjoy now as an adult, that when you were a kid you would have never in a million years guessed you would enjoy? (I’m not talking about anything with your wife or your daughter, just every day average things.)

Great (and fun) question Kristi!

First thing that come to mind is writing.  I used to hate writing as a kid.  It bored me to tears.

Secondly: reading.  I still don’t read A TON but I read a lot more than I used to.  It make me feel smarter and it’s good to perfect your writing skills as well.

Lastly: Beer.  As a kid, I may have curiously had a few sips of my brother’s beer or something during a family holiday and was disgusted at how something so disgusting could be drunk in such high numbers! 

2. What is one thing that you loved as a kid and that you still love as an adult?

Movies and watching television.  Most of my life we had scratchy TV channels on a 13-inch television.  When I moved out of the house I was never more ecstatic to get cable and watch in on A 25 INCH TV!!!

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Hey there!  You made it to the end!

I guess now you want to know who won the $20 gift card, eh?

After a random drawing of all the question contributors on Random.org it came up with…

Look at this hilarious demotivational poster:

What?  You want to know who won?  Oh, right.  The winner is….

CHOPPERPAPA!!  Congrats man… you get a $20 gift certificate to the store of your choice!  Just in time for Christmas!!  Email me your address at papak4324@live.com along with where you’d like the gift certificate to and I’ll get it in the mail ASAP!

Thanksgiving: A Time To Be Thankful… So Thank You


Before you go digging into your heaping mound of crap this Thanksgiving (that’ll take you a good five days to work off)… I think you ought to take a minute and reflect on what you’re thankful for.  Here are a few of the things I’m thankful for (in no particular order… just in the way they popped into my head):

1.  My beautiful, healthy, talented daughter

Can I get an “awwwwwwwwwww”

2. My beautiful, sexy wife

Can I get a “Hell Yeeeeeeah!!”

3. My wife’s boobs

4. AMP Energy Drink (which will kill me before I’m the age of 50 I’m sure of it)

5. That I got to meet Jackson

6. Kim Kardashian and my never-ending quest to make her aware I exist

7. My 113 followers on my Facebook page (but I could always use more)

8. My 264 followers on my Twitter page (but I could always use more) 

9. My new haircut (yes… I cut my hair)

 

                  BEFORE                                                    AFTER

10. For lullabies

11. That Josh Hamilton won the AL MVP

12.  That Bunny and I were able to get away to Boca Raton, FL and live it up a few months back

13.  That I’m officially “The Worlds Hottest Dad

14.  For GOOD BEER!!  None of that domestic crap.

15.  My entire family.  Even though we’re all  a little dysfunctional… we still all love each other very much.

16.  My Christian faith

17.  Just for boobs in general

18.  For this video:

It never gets old… 

19.  That I’m able to work from home and be with my daughter all the time… I’ll only get this opportunity once

20.  For all you readers and your continued support of my writing here at “Who Is Papa K”… so thank you and Happy Thanksgiving.

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What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Papa K Is Making Changes AND Wants Your Photos AND Is Giving Something Away


Notice anything different? 

No… I haven’t gotten liposuction.

No… I haven’t transcended time and space to bring you another enlightening blog post about my wife’s boobs, how I want Kim Kardashian to notice I’m alive, how sad I am the Rangers lost the World Series or even a touching post about how much I love my kid.

No… (I’ll squash THIS rumor once and for all) I will not do kids birthday parties because of my own ethical standards.  I will, however, do birthday parties, bachelorette parties (no bachelor parties) and general hedonistic get-togethers.  

Seriously though… notice anything different?

For those of you who aren’t able to tell what’s differet because you’re lacking a well-functioning brain… I’ve registered my own domain. 

Welcome to the slowly evolving, “Who Is Papa K“.  No more www.handstowar.wordpress.com.

Everything’s the same except my URL no longer contains the “wordpress” suffix nor the “handstowar” prefix.  I now stand alone in the expansive internet (If you’ve got “Hands To War” bookmarked… no worries because it automatically redirects to WIPK).

I aim to market my new domain name as effectively as possible by permanently tattooing it on the foreheads of stay-at-home moms.  Or perhaps by writing it on the backs of UFC fighters with a sharpie!  I could mass produce bumper stickers and buy ad space on the sides of semi-tractor trailers!  Perhaps, during the Super Bowl, I could streak across the field in nothing more than a yellow thong and “Who Is Papa K” written across my back, chest and buttocks!

The possibilities are endless.

In all reality, I’ve been wanting to register my own domain for a while and quite frankly it was time to do it.  I’ve been blogging for almost two years now and it was time I separated “wordpress.com” from my domain name.

I honestly don’t know what else is up my sleeve for WIPK… but stay tuned.

So… I’m going to celebrate the new name by giving something away.

I want to give you a poster.  I want to give you what ever poster you want.

Do you like Kim Kardashian?  I do.  If you do… then I’ll send you this poster:

Are you looking forward to the new Harry Potter movie?  I’m not.  But if you are I’ll send you this poster:

Do you have a daughter that loves Justin Bieber or are you a closet jackass?  Maybe you can get her this:

*GAG!*

Anyway, whatever poster you want (within reason), I’ll get it for you IF you win and send it in one of those cool tube mailer things IF you win.

What do you have to do to enter?  Well… all you have to do for me is something like this:

Or this:

Or this:

A picture of you with “Papa K” somewhere in the picture.  That’s all I want.  Use your creativity.  Email them to papak4324@live.com and you’ll be entered to win.  I’ll then post them to my Fanroll and if you have a blog or website yourself I’ll link to it too.

Now get goin’.  If you want that poster of N’Sync, Iggy Pop or Celine Dion then I wanna see some pics in my inbox!

Fame Looks Good On Me


As long as I can remember… I’ve always wondered what it would be like to see my face splattered across the front page of People Magazine.

Yeah… fame looks something exactly like that…

I am a self-declared “Extroverted Introvert”… for good reason… but there’s always been that side of me who wants to be acknowledged universally for what a unique species of man-meat that I am.  I think all of us have that little bit of self-indulgence that needs to be fed every once and a while.

So… feed my ego and nudge my self-indulgence a bit as I inch closer to super-stardom.

You can do this by visiting the TWO places I’ve guest posted for this week.  Visit them.  Bring them traffic.  Help them reap the rewards of hosting such a literary genius as myself on their blogs for a day.

The first is located at “Just Me – Kirsty“.  Kirsty is fairly new to blogging but runs a pretty active parenting forum called “Mummy Brain“.  It’s “Mummy” (Not Mommy) Brain because Kristy happens to be from NEW ZEALAND!!  How cool is that!!  Check both of them out… or I’ll tell my mom.

Secondly, check out the greatness I wrote for Gucci Mama.  It’s one of only a few things I’ve written where I can say from beginning to end it really flows really well.  Bunny even gave it “A TEN”.  She’s my most honest critic so you know if she liked it it has to be good!  It happens to be about my innate ability to pick out high-heel shoes for her.  No… I’m not even the slightest bit gay… I just think I’ve evolved well above other male human beings… that’s just my opinion anyway.

Seriously though… read it.  It’s good stuff.

For a list of all my other guest posts you can click this phrase:  Kim Kardashian doesn’t know what she’s missing by not following me on Twitter.

Fame… I can smell it. 

Wait!  Gross… that’s not fame…

“Papa K… You Made It” – The Blogosphere


Make sure and read to the very end of this post… I’m giving away something PRETTY COOL!!!

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It just occurred to me the other day to look back and check how long I’ve been keeping this blog alive. 

It was October 16th, 2009 when I birthed “Hands To War” into existence with post number one.  In that post I welcomed every transferring themselves from my last blog: “Virtual Hugs“, to my new, more appropriately named blog.  Quickly following that post was about a story I read regarding how Ted Williams’ frozen head had been used for batting practice at the cryogenics lab where it’s kept.

Everything went downhill from there.

I’m kidding.

I can’t begin to explain to you after writing 90 posts on Virtual Hugs and 188 on Hands To War how incredibly awesome I feel.

I never used to write.  I never used to read.  I found them both about as enjoyable as having a doctor shove his finger up my butt (that’s not enjoyable BTW).  Now… I do both (read and write… not get fingers stuck up my butt)!!  I feel as though I happened upon a wealth of previously undiscovered knowledge!

188 posts ago, when I opened the doors to my blog home, I honestly didn’t know to even think about what might become of my career as a blogger.  My blog can’t make homemade ice cream, it hasn’t me famous yet and it doesn’t have boobs as awesome as Bunny’s

Three strikes right?

Wrong.

For everything negative that blogging does (like when it erased THIS very post from its memory banks leaving me with nothing and having to type it all over again)… it has an equally rewarding effect.

It has given me the opportunity to showcase my writing on several different blogs specializing in things from baseball to relationships to parenting techniques.

I have made friends whom I only know through the still photos they post on their own blogs or the comments they’ve made on mine.  Mandal, Shelle, Keith, SeattleDad, MamaMidwife, Andrea and Tony are just a few that come to mind.

I’ve received an email from Kim Kardashian on how much she loves my blog.

I’ve effectively lived through depression, anxiety and OCD by chronicling my struggles with them on this blog and on Virtual Hugs.

I’ve been able to find this outlet to explode my creativity all over the internet… even if a microcosm of the planet ever sees it then I still feel like I’ll be remembered for something.

I’ve written about things that I’ve been told actually help people get through whatever they’re going through.  Whether I said something deeply intriguing, spiritual or just plain stupid it hits someone where it makes sense to them!!

I’ve found it all to be rewarding and I thank you, the reader, for reading.  Keep it up!!  Tell your friends.  Tell your neighbors, your husbands, your wives, your poker buddies, your Chihuahua, your Facebook friends, that dwarf that lives under the foundation of your house or even old Mrs. Cratchett who tries to shoot you with her crossbow every time you walk by her house.

After all of this, you may have noticed a slight change in my blog title.  While “Hands To War” will still remain in the URL, I’ve changed the name of this blog to “Who Is Papa K”.  I ask this question in all seriousness because I don’t even know who I am!  Also, I’m in a different place than where I was when I started Hands To War.  When I started Hands To War as the successor to Virtual Hugs it was to release all the garbage I had dwelling in my soul, mind and body.  Sometimes writing and seeing the words on the screen makes everything more real.  I blogged because I almost had to in order to survive!  I wrote about my depression, about my growing spirituality and about anything that was really affecting me in my life at that time.

It’s not that way anymore.

I don’t struggle with my OCD, depression and anxiety like I used to.  I’m also not naïve enough to think that I won’t ever again… I’m just extremely happy to be at the place I’m at right now.

So, I write about other things.  I not only write about my spiritual walk and my struggles with OCD, depression and anxiety… but I also about baseball or parenting or DLG or Bunny or things that piss me off or tattoos or anything I damn well please really.

Thus the name change.

Hands To War is a spiritual reference and while I fully intend to write about spirituality when I want… I also don’t want to pigeon-hole myself.  Themed blogs are great… but that’s not my gig.

“Who Is Papa K” is exactly what it says: “Who” am I, “what” do I write about, “when” do I post, “where” do I live so you can stalk me like the crazy stalker you are and “why” must I mention Kim Kardashian so many times?

Nobody knows really.  Not even me.  I want to write about whatever I damn well please and have the title of my blog indicate that.

So… Who IS Papa K?

I don’t know.  Keep readin’ and find out!

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In celebration of the new blog name I’m going to give a lucky reader the biggest prize I’ve given away to date.  If it’s something you personally won’t be able to benefit from you could use this as a Christmas (it’s coming before you know it) gift to a younger member of your friends or family.

Several weeks ago, I gave away a Mr. Men book called, “Mr. Bump”.  Upon further inspection at my local bookshop, I located an EIGHT-PACK collection of some classic Mr. Men books.

DLG has this same collection and she LOVES it.

Included in this eight-pack are Mr. Bounce, Mr. Bump, Mr. Chatterbox, Mr. Grumpy, Mr. Happy, Mr. Mischief, Mr. Small and Mr. Strong.

Seriously folks, this is an awesome giveaway.  Just to reiterate: I’m giving you EIGHT books.

Not one.

Eight.

All you have to do is leave me a comment telling me where you live, i.e. Colorado, Wisconsin, Australia, Somalia, Antartica, etc.  DON’T send me your personal address… I’ll ask for that later if you win the books.  I’m really just curious how far reaching this blog goes. I also may do a post about it in the future.

A winner will be drawn at random in a week.

Leave a comment… it’s all you gotta do!