Tag Archives: Papa K

Hello? Anyone There?


It has been what feels like an eternity since I penned any words on ye olde blogge.

How are you? I want to know. Have you popped that huge cyst that was growing in your underarm? Have you made sweet love to the homeless man on the corner of Robinson and Kelly yet? What about the serum you were working on to cure penis envy?

A lot of happened since (1) I bid a momentary farewell, (2) I fell out of love for Kim Kardashian and (3) I paid homage to the tush.

For one… Bin Laden got shot in the face. Go USA.

Secondly: in keeping with my promise to all of you, I lost 2o mother effing pounds!!!

I hate me in this picture but I think it illustrates the weight I’ve lost… especially in my face… as opposed to my huge gut and double chin in the pictures below:

An extra scoop of double chin fat for anyone? Anyone?

Thirdly: we got all moved in to our mansion.

Gratuitous outside shot not really lending much to what the inside of the house looks like.  Don’t worry… I can tell you about it later.

Fourthly: Bunny lost, like… 15 pounds and now looks like she could crush Brooklyn Decker in a “who’s hotter” contest.

God I love them both…

Fifthly: I now have a man cave.

Yes… it’s messy. Yes… it’s a work in progress. Yes… I’m getting a bigger TV. Yes… I’m planning on writing a blog post about it. No… Bunny and I haven’t christened the room yet (dammit). No… you can’t come over.

Sixthly: There are at least eight billion things to talk about.

I’ve been out of the blogging business for almost two months. I haven’t kept up with reading some of my favorite blogs (I’m looking at you, you, you, you, you and you… sorry). I haven’t really tweeted or Facebooked. I haven’t really done much of anything worth relevance in trying to promote my douchness.

What I HAVE done is earn some money with my writing skills. I must say it is nice to get paid to write… but I can’t write about what I want to write about. This delivers a near fatal blow to my creativity. I miss pouring my life in so many words to the faceless readers who so diligently follow my walk through life like I was Johnny Depp or Kat Von D.

I’m ready to do it again.

I can’t promise the diligence I once had to update my blog every couple of days. I CAN promise that I won’t leave.

I can’t promise that I’ll always be at www.whoispapak.com. I’ve learned that writing and getting paid is desirable. I just might pigeon-hole myself into a blog focused on a theme.

I can’t promise I’ll always be so fraggin’ sexy. When I’m 183 I might not be all that smokin’ hot any more. In fact… I could be dead if they don’t figure out a way to regenerate frozen bodies soon.

I CAN promise I’ll always try to make you smile, I’ll always try to make you laugh (and cry… maybe… at times) and I’ll always try to get Brooklyn Decker (no more Kim Kardashian) to know I’m alive.

“I’m Papa K’s new #1!!!! *Squeal*!!!!”

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TattooID: Papa K’s First Endorsement Deal


The first seven days of February, I’m talking about my love for DLG.  It seems appropriate that endorse a new product aimed at keeping her safe. 

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I’ve been blogging for about three years now.  I think I’m allowed to consider myself somewhat vested in the blogging “industry”.  I have a decent following, I’ve guest posted for several established bloggers within the “community” and Jenny McCarthy follows me on Twitter (SWEET!).  Some people may stop there but I still think there’s room to grow.  I feel pretty good about myself and where this blog is going.

But, for a long while, I was discouraged at my ability to acquire one thing: an endorsement deal.

Now…  I’m not talking about getting paid millions to write about Nike, Sunny Delight, The Situation, Planters Peanuts or Hooters.  Well… maybe on second thought that is what I’m talking about because millions of dollars sounds pretty nice but I know that’s not going to happen within the next 48 hours (more than likely).

But that’s besides the point…

My blog happened to catch the eye of one particular teen entrepreneur named Steven Gordon who shot me an email.  Steven wanted to work me in a partnership with him where he would send me some free samples of his product and I would write about what I thought of them.

I was flattered.  Without really taking too much of a second thought I wholeheartedly agreed.

It was only after agreeing that I checked out his product website he provided in his email.

It seems that young Steven Gordon is doing quite a bit more with his life at age 18 than I’ve done in my 31 years further proving I really am a huge loser.

Steven has a company called “TattooID” that makes customizable, temporary tattoos that parents can place on their kids to help identify them in the event they get lost.  It sounds simple yet incredibly brilliant at the same time.  Hell… he’s even met the President regarding his company!

That’s Steven on the far right.  He’s also got a great video on his website that I wasn’t able to get correctly posted on this blog where he speaks directly to the President about his product!  Check it out.

He’s been featured on his local news station as well as various other forms of media.

If you’re any kid (like my kid) who loves temporary tattoos, then this is a way to ensure that in the rare, yet incredibly gut-wrenching moment where you happen to lose track of your kid in the mall, at the amusement park or at your next rave then your child will have a way to find his or her way back to you.

How does it work?  Well… it’s certainly not a child leash.  I’ll show you.

Steven was nice enough to send me a few personalized tattoos of which DLG was more than happy to put on:

DLG: TattooID’s new spokesgirl

Moments after the application

The tattoo reads: “My name is S.K.  If I’m lost, please call 800-PAPAKROX” (That’s not my real phone number… I only wish it was)

You’ll notice that only your childs initials are given as a means to protect them and your phone number is given so a call can be made the minute he or she is found.  You may remember as a child having your parents put a piece of paper in your pocket with their contact information before going on a school field trip, etc… this is just a more radical way of doing it.

Now, I was instructed by Steven to “place the tattoo in a secure location where they are easily accessible and not openly visible like under a t-shirt sleeve”.  I quite simply flubbed that instruction by placing the tattoo on the back of her hand… but I think it serves the same purpose. 

I did however have to remove the tattoo I had placed on her forehead:

And her nose:

 

Up to this point, the next logical step would be to lose DLG at the mall and see if anyone called me.  Alas, I was not willing to take this endorsement THAT far but I trust in an instance (God forbid) where it did happen then the TattooID would live up to what I imagine it was created for: to get my daughter back in my arms AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.



I think these tattoos have the potential to be one of those things all of us look at (like Post-It notes) in twenty years and be like, “Why the hell didn’t I think of that?”  It is so simple, yet so incredibly smart… especially for an 18-year-old high school kid with no kids of his own.

If you’re interested in purchasing some of these for your kids, Steven has a various number of templates you can personalize.  The tattoos are priced very modestly (with free shipping!) in sets of ten.

I am also conducting a giveaway for one lucky reader.  All you have to do is comment on this post and you’ll be entered to win your own personalized TattooID’s for your kid(s).  Once a winner is chosen then I’ll contact you for the information you’d like on your TattooID.

When it comes to securing your child’s safety, reassuring your mind with one of these really helps.

Oh… and DLG had something to say about her TattooID’s:

You can check out everything you want to know about TattooID’s on Stevens website.

And you can also follow the progress of TattooID on Twitter and Facebook.

A Papa K Archieve Pick: My Little Girl’s Poem


I wrote this poem over two years ago and it still brings a tear to my eye as I read it.  I remember having gone through so much emotionally back then and this poem really nails it.  It seemed perfect to add to this week of posts that I’ve dedicated to DLG:

 

As I sit here and hold you in the dark

And you sleep in my arms

I can’t stop looking at your beautiful face.

It looks so peaceful and calm

I can tell what great care God took

To shape the curves of your face.

The effects of the world have had no bearing on your look.

 

As I run my hand along the curve of your cheek,

Your skin feels as smooth as a ceramic vase.

You do not make a single sound,

For your dream must be a good one.

I rub my finger across your tiny eyebrows

And I think “I’ve never noticed how lovely they are” until now.

I continue to run my hand through your fine hair

And wonder how you could get any more picturesque.

I trace the outline of your perfectly sculpted ear

And think it’s a shame they’ll be covered by your hair before too long.

 

As I place my hand on your chest to feel you breath you let out a sigh.

It’s a sigh of comfort and of content.

A tear comes to my eye

Because I feel I have done my duty to comfort you

And I wish someone was there to comfort me.

Then almost as immediately as that thought comes to my mind

I realize it to be true.

 

You see, little daughter of mine,

There is Someone who holds me too.

He holds me close to His heart and knows I am a beautiful creation

He is always there and I am wrapped in His arms

Through this dream that is my life

He runs His hand along my cheek and through my hair

He listens to me breath in the same I listen to you

He stills His breath when I squirm

And smiles when I let out a contented sigh

He tightens His hold when my dreams become nightmares

And soothes me as I find my way through them

Tears come to His eyes

Because he knows how hard they must have been.

But He is there to comfort me through

As I will be here to comfort you through yours.

One day, many years from now, when I wake from my dream

He will still be holding me.

“Well, good morning” He’ll say,

“Tell me about your dream.”

 

It’s getting late now

And I wish these moments could last forever.

Because even as I hold you

You’re growing up too fast.

You won’t even remember these moments that we had

But I forever will.

And what you may not know now

Is that He holds you close to His heart as well

Because you are his beautiful child too.

 

Oh little child of mine

I wish I knew how you

Who knows so little

Could teach me so much.

From this dream and beyond,

I love you endlessly

 

Some Things You May Find Interesting


Since February is the month in which Valentines Day is contained I figured I’d dedicate each week during the month to something that I love.  So the upcoming schedule for the month of February is as follows:

February 1st – 7th:  Any post added during this time will be about DLG
February 8th – 14th: Any post added during this time will be about Bunny
February 15th – 21st: Any post added during this time will be about baseball
February 22nd – 28th: Any post added during this time will be about boobs (  .  )(  .  )

Now I won’t be posting every day… just any post during those blocks of time will be about that weeks “person/thing that I love”.

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If you haven’t already asked me a question… then do so.  You’ll be automatically entered to win a $15 iTunes gift card from ME!  It’s that easy.

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NEWSFLASH: I finally figured out a way to get Kim Kardashian to follow me on Twitter.  It seems some genius came up with an idea to raise money for charity by getting certain celebrities to auction their Twitter follows, retweets and such on eBay.  For those of you unfamiliar with Twitter… what I mean is that I could bid against several other hopeless stalkers like myself JUST to get Kim Kardashian to follow me and my spectacular tweets!!  For a moment, I thought that I might be the only one who knew about this auction and be able to get Kim to follow me on the cheap!!! $50 AT THE MOST… I was sure.  Unfortunately JUST to get her to follow me I would have to pay (at this point) more than $177… and there’s still almost a week left to go.

This guy probably has money to blow…

Dammit.  I ain’t payin’ that much.

Oh well… there’s still Will Sasso, Tom Arnold and Jamie Kennedy still available on the cheap (at least at the moment I published this).

I guess unless I have an anonymous donor to the “Get Kim Kardashian To Follow Papa K On Twitter” fund then I’ll have to just try to get her to follow me the old-fashioned way: bugging her incessantly.  That’s how I got Jenny McCarthy to follow me.

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I can’t wait to see this movie:


Wait… crap… I mean this movie:

Or this movie:


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Anyone else looking forward to Super Bowl commercials!  At no other time during the year am I more focused on the advertising than the actual programming.

I have my reasons for not liking football…

If you wanna have a laugh check out Oddee.com’s “10 Most Controversial Super Bowl Ads“… guaranteed for a chuckle or two.

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Finally, if you’re on Facebook and you haven’t “liked” my blog page then c’mon…. seriously… what’s wrong with you.  DO IT!! NOW!!

If you’re on Twitter and you don’t follow my tweets… don’t make me have to pay for you to follow me.  Just do it.  Jenny McCarthy does…

Lastly, I love pictures for my Fanroll.  Don’t pretend like you have something better to do than take a picture for my fanroll… cuz I know you don’t.

Who Wants A Papa K T-Shirt?


In a shameless attempt to get someone (Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox,  to wear a T-shirt promoting myself and this little blog I rather half-heartedly put together a rough draft of what I think could be the most awesome T-shirt since Ed Hardy smoked all that crack.

What do you think?

Would you buy one?  If not… would you wear one for free?  If not… would you at least use it as a dust rag?

I dunno… I think they’re pretty awesome.

Papa K Grants You The Wish Of (Exhaustively) Answering Your Questions!! Part Four


I recently asked for some questions of which I said I would answer in a future post.  Well… welcome to the future.

If you want to read past questions and the answers to those questions then go here.

Also, stay tuned (through an almost obnoxious number of boob questions… but I brought that on myself) to the end of the post when I reveal the winner of the $20 gift card (awarded to a random question-giver)

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Gucci Mama asked this one simple question:

What is your favorite thing to do with DLG? Do you take her on daddy dates? I really hope you take her on daddy dates. You must.

What’s funny is that it’s the little things that seem so simple that mean the most to me.  It’s honestly not possible to narrow it down to ONE thing… but I can give you a number of “number one’s”:

     – I take her to the donut shop some mornings when she wakes up… she LOVES it

     – Cuddle with her while watching Yo Gabba Gabba or Wonder Pets

     

     – Taking her out to eat at Chick-Fil-A then playing in the play area afterwards

     – Doing some of the most mind-numbing things to me are re-birthed as some of the most exciting things through her eyes

     – Going to PetsMart and looking at all the fish

     – If she’s tired enough when I sing to her at night she lays her head on my shoulder and I just melt

     – I’ve only done this once but plan on doing it more: taking her to a baseball game

      

I could go on but my most favorite thing to do is just be the best role model I can be to her.  One of the great things about being able to stay at home with her is exposing her to a strong male figure (at least I consider myself to be such) a lot of the time early on in life.  While establishing the strong male figure definitely can be done with dads who aren’t able to stay at home, I take the additional time with her very seriously and am never afraid to show all my emotions and get down on her level.  When she grows up… I want her to marry a guy like me (but preferably a major league baseball player so I can get free tickets) so the groundwork I lay now is important.

We do everything we can and have as much fun as we can because dammit… she’s growing up fast.  I only get this opportunity once.

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Scott asked in a completely relevant and professional way:

Do you cry after sex?

First of all I make sweet, sweet love to my wife.  So, the correct way to ask this question is, “Do you cry after making sweet, sweet love?”

But anyway, in answer to your question… no.  I usually fall asleep or flex in the mirror for a couple of hours.

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Kim (from “Baby Feet”) asked me a couple questions:

How long did you wait to kiss your wife? Was your first date awesome? How long before you knew she was ‘the one’? How long before she knew?

I kissed her on our first official date.  I was a real slut.

In actuality, our first meeting took place at a smokey bar where we were hooked up by a mutual friend.  A few days after our smokey meeting I asked her out and we went out to eat and then to attend the local comedy club. 

One of our first dates.  I was much younger and more pale.  Okay… maybe just younger.

We had a great time.  It was actually the first date I’d ever been on where I’d spent $100 over the entire course of the date (and I should have seen the writing on the wall).  It turned out to be $100 well spent though because I did get a kiss out of the deal (and that’s all I’m allowed to say!).

I can’t say that I knew right away that she was “the one”… but I was incredibly entranced by her endless cleavage and believe that if it hadn’t been for that I might not have gotten to know the incredible person she really is under all those boobs. 

She, on the other hand, knew right away that I was the one.   So much in fact that after our first date she told her grandma that she was going to marry me.  That’s what she tells me anyway…

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Cathie asked:

What would you do if your gorgeous daughter got a KNUCKLE Tattoo ?? on all 10 knuckles ?????

Hmmm… from a professional “getting tattooed person” I can’t say that I’d be too impressed.  Knuckle tattoos fade too easily and aren’t really all that attractive on two-year-olds.  Now if she wanted to get a tattoo on the back of her neck where her hair would cover it up or perhaps an arm sleeve of Yo Gabba Gabba characters I would probably sign off on it IF SHE ASKED ME FIRST because I am the coolest dad this side of the Mississippi.

I kid. I kid.

In all honesty, I would like to think she’d know better than to do that when she’s “of age”.  I can’t very well prohibit her from getting a tattoo since her daddy is gaining on twenty tattoos himself… but as a tattooed person I couldn’t be angry with her.  But I would be extremely disappointed she chose such a crappy area to get tattooed.  I should know… I have a knuckle tattoo:

It’s not a crappy tattoo since it signifies the marriage to my wife (“M” is Bunny’s first initial) but it is a crappy area to get tattooed because it’s susceptible to fading.

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Tabeetha asked me a question regarding my wedding day:

 I want to know if you ever ended up pooping out your spleen after your wedding illness issues? I’ve been meaning to ask for years!

“Tabeetha” is a first time commenter but a long time friend of Bunny and I.  She’s referring to a home movie that I shot of the two of us the night after we got married where I explained in vivid detail the events that led up to a trip to the emergency room THE NIGHT BEFORE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED.  I had obtained horrible food poisoning and lived through what seemed like a near-death episode, an event I described in our home video that was like “pooping out my spleen”.

“Tabeetha” thought this was hilarious.

Tabeetha, I can tell you I’ve never pooped out my spleen so I don’t know for sure if it IS ACTUALLY comparable to horrible food poisoning.  Hell… I don’t even know where my spleen is!!

Oh… there it is…

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Mama MidWife (who’s been on my ever since my breastfeeding post) asked me some boob questions:

1.  How old were you *really* when you quit breastfeeding?

     My mother tells me I was a little over a year… maybe 13 or 14 months!?  As she tells it, I bit her really hard which resulted in her getting angry with me and I never went back

2.  Do you think breastfeeding lead you to become a “booby” man?

     In all honesty, what straight man isn’t a “booby man”?  I know that some may prefer legs or butts or the nape of the neck over boobs (which is insane in the membrane) but show me a guy (straight or gay) who    doesn’t think boobs are awesome and I’ll tattoo Richard Simmons on my lower back.

     But in answer to your question: YES… absolutely.

3.  Is a third nipple hot?

     Depends on where it is I suppose.  If it’s on your forehead that would be a little odd.  If the third nipple came on a third boob then we might have something.

4.  Would you rather cuddle or have sex?

     You do know I’m a guy right?  I may be in touch with my feminine side a lot more than some dudes but when my wife so much as sits down and adjusts her chair for dinner I get aroused!  So cuddling doesn’t last very long until I’m asking the question. 

5.  I realize I have commented before. Will you still consider me for the prize?

     Yes.  But not until you send me a picture for my Fanroll (I’m still waiting).

6.  Did you know they have knitting patterns for things like “penis cozy”? What kind of guy would want that? There are also patterns to knit your own ta-tas.

     For those of you who don’t know… Mama MidWife is a knitting freak of nature.  Every time I go to her blog she’s talking about a new knitting project.  Knitting to me is about as interesting as sitting on porcupine quills or watching NASCAR.  That’s okay… I’m sure some people feel the same about watching baseball.  So… to each their own but if you’ve ever had an interest in knitting then Mama MidWife is your gal (I’m lookin’ at you Gucci).

     In answer to your question though Mama MidWife: Me.  Where can I get one? 

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My good blogger buddy “UP” asked perhaps the most mind-bending question:

What is the meaning of life (I mean other than Kim Kardashian)?

 

*sigh*

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Bunny and I went to this little restaurant chain called “Steak and Shake” the other day.  It’s set like an old 50’s diner with picture of old cars on the wall and endless shake option and 50’s era jam bands blasting on the jukebox.  Their burgers weren’t too bad either!

I think that’s probably the meaning of life. 

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Chopper Papa wants to know about my underwear:

Boxers or briefs?

I don’t really understand the purpose of boxers quite honestly because it’s just like wearing small shorts under your pants so why wear any at all?  Also, I don’t particularly like “free-ballin'” and prefer to go for a more “soft” support of my sperm-generators like my wife’s cupped hands or a bowl of whipped creme.

Briefs are for male supermodels and/or David Beckham of which I am decidedly not either. 

My thighs are too insanely skinny to wear them and the hug my testicles in such a way where it feels as though they’re going to push through my undercarriage.

So… I prefer to go for the best of both worlds: boxer-briefs.

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Daddy Can’t Hear You (or DCHY) asked:

1.  Scientific – when did you first realize that you were bound by the law of gravity?

     The first time I had it was at this fast food restaurant they have here in Oklahoma called “Braum’s”.  I was probably around 10 or 11 and I was there with my parents after church one Sunday morning.  I’d never had biscuits and gravity before so I ordered then.  They were really good.

Braum’s biscuits and Gravity… YUM!

Oh wait… those are biscuits and GRAVY!!  Not biscuits and GRAVITY!!  Gosh… I’m such a dweeb.

I’m sorry… I don’t have any idea what “gravity” is!?  Does it go on pancakes?

2.  Philosophical – why does life continue to give us lemons, knowing we prefer bananas?

If your supposed to make lemonade when life gives you lemons… what are you supposed to make when it gives you bananas?  A banana-split?  Feed a monkey?

3.  Childish – what did 0 say to 8?

    I honestly don’t know.

    Okay… I know… I had to Google it. 

    Is it “Nice Belt!”?

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Dennis P asked me another boob question (C’mon people… how old are we?  The answer is:  “Never too old to talk about boobs”):

Was your first glimpse of Bunny boob as amazing as you had built it up to be?

Yes.  In every sense of the word.  I think for every man whose mind has prepared itself for complete sensory overload is still never quite ready for the full reveal! 

My wife is the epitome of what I fantasized about when I was a pubescent teenager.  When my teenage fantasies became reality as a dorky adult… I can’t say I didn’t give myself a few high-fives!

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Joseph, a new reader, asked me these questions:

1. I don’t have a website, but I know a lot of people who blog and they tell me that I should start a blog but I don’t even know how to do it, what would you suggest?

     My sister peaked my interest two years ago while I was getting sucked into her blog: One Thing (which she hasn’t blogged on in a while… but she used to).  I approached her with the same question and basically she just told me to “do it”.  So, what I’m saying is there’s no real special advice I can think of as far as getting started… it’s staying motivated that’s the real trick.  I say that I blog for the fun of it and to hone my own writing skills but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care how many readers I have.

     One thing that I’ve learned is that once you go live with your blog you’re not going to instantaneously have 1,000 readers!!  You actually have to work at getting and keeping them!!  That was something I wasn’t honestly prepared for but something I’ve learned a lot about since becoming a famous blogger.

2. My blogger friends tell me that they have made some great friendships through blogging, is that true for you too?

     I wouldn’t classify any of my blog friends as GREAT friends because we don’t really know each other on a personal level outside of the blogosphere… but I’ve definitely made some good blogging buddies.  That isn’t to say that if I ever did meet any one of them in person we wouldn’t wind up being the most awesomest friends but it just hasn’t happened yet.

3. What are some good blogs you would suggest for someone to start following and why?

     I have a page tabbed at the top of this blog called Papa K’s Friends… these are the blogs and websites I would recommend.  I haven’t updated it in a little bit as there are a few I’d like to add but for the most part it’s my complete list.

4. if you could die laying on boobs, whose would you choose Kim Kardashan’s or your wife’s

     As much as I like to bring up Kim Kardashian and her amazing body of work… I would never choose her over my wife.   My wife and I have “The List” and play around with the idea of “what if” but in all reality if for some reason I was set to meet my maker and had one last thing to snuggle between before crossing into the hereafter I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else than between my wife’s melons.

… but there are probably quite a few gents you wouldn’t mind gasping their last breath with their chin firmly rested on her sternum…

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Finally, KristieMae asked these last two questions:

1. What are three things that you enjoy now as an adult, that when you were a kid you would have never in a million years guessed you would enjoy? (I’m not talking about anything with your wife or your daughter, just every day average things.)

Great (and fun) question Kristi!

First thing that come to mind is writing.  I used to hate writing as a kid.  It bored me to tears.

Secondly: reading.  I still don’t read A TON but I read a lot more than I used to.  It make me feel smarter and it’s good to perfect your writing skills as well.

Lastly: Beer.  As a kid, I may have curiously had a few sips of my brother’s beer or something during a family holiday and was disgusted at how something so disgusting could be drunk in such high numbers! 

2. What is one thing that you loved as a kid and that you still love as an adult?

Movies and watching television.  Most of my life we had scratchy TV channels on a 13-inch television.  When I moved out of the house I was never more ecstatic to get cable and watch in on A 25 INCH TV!!!

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Hey there!  You made it to the end!

I guess now you want to know who won the $20 gift card, eh?

After a random drawing of all the question contributors on Random.org it came up with…

Look at this hilarious demotivational poster:

What?  You want to know who won?  Oh, right.  The winner is….

CHOPPERPAPA!!  Congrats man… you get a $20 gift certificate to the store of your choice!  Just in time for Christmas!!  Email me your address at papak4324@live.com along with where you’d like the gift certificate to and I’ll get it in the mail ASAP!

Papa K And His Graceful Aging


 Don’t deny it… I was cute…

Don’t deny it… I was cute…

 

Okay… you really have to stop denying it…

 

Anyone else have a picture like this where their mom forgot it was picture day at school?

 View Full Size Image 

This picture was taken shortly after I skinned a cat

This picture was taken right before I got beat up on the way to the bathroom

  

If I had known Justin Bieber would make billions off of this haircut I would have done something else other than obsess over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

 

Oops… I crapped my pants…

 

I broke hearts

 

“What?  All these books?  Yeah… I’ve read them.  No pictures… seriously.”

Best.  Photo. Ever.

 

Puberty wasn’t nice to me.  When it hit me, my Adam’s Apple became my most noticeable feature…

 

Adam’s Apple slowly slowly shrinking…

My head seems to be catching up to my Adam’s Apple now.  It looks a little more proportionately correct.

 Bucket hat?  Check.  Ying-Yang necklace?  Check.  Trying SO desperately hard to be cool yet failing miserably?  Check.

At last… finally!  A cool picture of myself!  Wait…

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If you haven’t noticed… I’m stalling.  I’m due to post answers to all your questions you asked a while back.  I’m also supposed to award a $20 gift certificate to someone who commented on that particular post which I will also do soon.  If you still have questions then feel free to ask them!  Due to my inability to finish things in a timely matter, it’s still not too late to enter it!

Papa K Answers Your Questions… Again…


Did you know that “A’ight” is a word?  It is the urban way of saying “Alright”.

So with that being said:

A’ight folks… I’ve grown tired of things to talk about and I want YOU to provide me with some questions to answer.  I’ll even throw in a prize for a random contributor.  Since my last giveaway of a POSTER to the winning contributor fell to the ONE SINGLE CONTRIBUTOR of that contest (congrats Jon)… I’ll make the ante a little better this time around and award the winning question-giver a $20 gift certificate.  With Christmas coming up… I can’t think of a better prize to give outside of a $25, $50 or $1000 gift certificate which, I’m sorry, but I haven’t made my first million yet writing blog posts for my (5) adoring fans.

This can be a lot of fun for you because you get to find out some of the most deep seeded secrets about your favorite blogger: me.  All you have to do is ask.

So… if you wanna know how old I was when I peed my pants the last time or where my third nipple is located or when I plan on splicing some of my DNA then selling my clones as slaves on the black market in Mexico the feel free to ask away.

Seriously… ask me some questions.

I’m serious.

Seriously.

I’d like to get questions from at least ten different readers and have TWO of them be readers who’ve never commented before.

Seriously.

I’m serious.

Seriously… ask me some questions.

Dammit I’m serious.

Happy 200th To Me… Happy 200th To Me… Happy 200th To Papa K… Happy 200th To Me


Guess what?

Don’t forget to enter in my most recent giveaway and this is my 200th post.  Let’s party.

My huge glass of lemonade

That is all.

Oh and this:

It’s a picture of me when I was ten shoveling dirt from underneath the cattleguard on our family farm…  it was exciting.

Oh and this:

It’s a really close of picture I took of our cat like five years ago.

Oh and this:

I am the boob king... finally.

It’s me wearing a crown made of boobs.

Oh and this:

It’s a picture of me at my seventh birthday party giving a thumbs up once I realized at some point in the distant future I might have a shot at being remotely awesome.  Maybe like 20% awesome… okay, maybe 10%.  Alright %5.

Oh and this:

YAY!! BEER!!

It’s me at the Boulevard Brewery in Kansas City jumping for joy at fulfilling my life long dream of swimming in a huge silo of fermenting Boulevard Wheat

Oh… and this:

It’s a picture I scanned of my boobs.

Now that is all.

Thanks for reading.

Also… don’t forget to enter for a chance to win in my most recent giveaway.

Fear Comes Quickly


Seriously people… enter my most previous contest.

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When I was born almost 31 years ago I came at the end of my mother’s fertile years.  I was the last of my parent’s kids to be born and came almost ten years after my next oldest brother.  I don’t know what it was about this that was particularly heart wrenching for my mother… but she tells me now that back then she used to cry long and hard as I slept in her arms, swaddled in my blankie. 

She cried because she was afraid.  She was afraid she was going to “lose” me.

My mom was like a lot of parents.  A lot of parents who give two flips about their children are going to worry about them… and worry about possibly “losing” them.  Most are able to push the thought out of their mind as if they’re shooing away a pesky fly.  Some, like myself, have issues with these intrusive thoughts to an OCD level.  As much as I’d like to shoo away the thought, it starts to fester and depress me.

“How would I ever live?” I begin to ask myself.  I imagine life devoid from the one thing that has proved to bring me so much joy beyond which I’ve ever though capable. 

As quickly as I ask the question above… I ask myself this question shortly thereafter: “Why the hell am I even thinking this?!”

The only answer I can come up with is fear.

Fear struck me hard last night.  I went into her bedroom under a blanket of darkness with only my cell phone light to provide me with guidance.  As it turned out, DLG wasn’t fully asleep and the light emanating from my cell phone was just enough to stir her awake.  After quickly retreating from her bedroom in hopes she’d go back to sleep… I quickly returned in response to her, “My Daddddyyyyyy” cries.  I resorted to cuddling with her and singing her favorite lullaby.

As I stood there, rubbing her back and singing to her… she clutched me as only a daughter clutches her daddy. 

In that dark room.. I started to become afraid.

Tears began to flow freely.

“What would I ever do… if I didn’t have this anymore?” I thought.

I then clutched her as only a daddy clutches his young daughter.

It’s been a while since I’ve been struck like that.  Those types of feelings hit me quite a bit more when DLG was a more fragile, strange, uncoordinated newborn.  Now, while it’s still as unwanted as it was before, it’s almost harder because I thought I’d kicked the fear in the ass.

Fear has a way of making you stronger though.  As history repeated itself through my first few bouts with this fear… I began to realize that what didn’t kill me only made me stronger.

I know that this too will pass, the fear will dissolve and be replaced with an even more rock-solid love.

But to get there it’s painful sometimes.

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Does anyone else deal with crippling fears regarding their kids?